Of Cats and Cancer

When Letting Go is Humble Acceptance

2008-05-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

AL FATIHAH..........

I was given this poem (by Anon) when grieving over my beloved Emak's passing. And among other things that one goes through to honour, dignify and feel redha over the passing of loved ones, I find strange comfort in seeking it, yet again. It does not have a title, but I would like to call it simply

LETTING GO

To Mourn Too Long

For Those We Love

Is Self-Indulgent

But To Honour

Their Memory

With A Promise

To Live A Little Better

For Having Known Them

Or Being Cherished By Them

Gives Purpose

To Their Lives

And Some Reason

For Their Departure

(By Anon)

Abah's last birthday on July 25, 2007 (93 years old)

Salamun Qaulam Mirrabir-rahim, Abah. We miss you and feel you closer to us than ever before.

You are with Emak now and probably looking us over. Semoga Allah menerima segala amalan dan mengampun dosa insan nya, dan menempatkan Abah dan Emak bersama orang orang yang soleh dan solehah. We love you both and always include you in our prayers, and semoga ibadah anak anak di terima Allah. Amin.

p.s. We will remember you most on Abang's birthday ( July 25 also) and also on Bilal Hakeem's as he was born on the very day Allah calls for you......

AL-FATIHAH

2008-04-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

Al-Fatihah

My beloved Abah passed away on March 26, 2008 at 11.20 pm in Malacca. He is deeply missed and may Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh nya and menempatkan ia bersama orang orang yang soleh. Amin.

I will need some time to grieve at my own pace for now....and Insya Allah, will resume blogging soon.

Cik Siti is a Mum

2008-03-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Milla, our youngest cat, enjoying an afternoon snooze( and having a nightmare): "Oh God....did that stray Siti have to deliver 3, not 1 but 3, kittens in this place? I will lose my place as the "cutie" now! There goes all those extra morsels for me...."

(Note: Most of our cats like t sleep on their backs like Milla above!)

.Now, about Cik Siti ....

We really were not aware when it finally happened but the very pregnant stray in Kampung ( Cik Siti ) has delivered her first litter!

According to my brother, she didn't make an appearance for days in early March even though we had set up a few cartons with old towels in them, in case she needs a place to deliver her kittens. He thought she might have found her way home to where she came from. Cik Siti came into our lives in Kampung on City day, looking really thin and scrawny, and so, so, lost, so we fed her. She got along with the other cats and decided to hang around, finding shelter in the old chicken coops in the backyard or on top of an old cupboard, leaning against the empty kandang.

We realised that despite being scrawny (sharp angular face and spindly legs) she has a fat tummy. I had thought it was worms as she lives outdoors. But her tummy kept growing and soon her teats were showing. That was when it hits us that she might be in the family way. I told my brother to feed her if she shows up and we positioned a few boxes under the house, in the garage and in the coops so that she has a choice of "maternity beds" to choose from.

My brother only discovered that she had delivered when he returned to Kampung after a few days of visiting me in KL. When he entered the house, Cik Siti was under the TV cupboard, nursing three fat kitties! And they were already quite a good size, eyes already wide open and screeching sharply when he tried to dis-entangle them from their mummy's teats. Ijan wasted no time mms-ing me a quick shot of them, how cute they are! I will post their photo in future postings, still trying to fiure out how to bluetooth the photo onto the pc.

Two male kittens ( he thinks) and one female. Romeo and Cheetah, and Juliet.....very pretty names for very grey kittens. I would have named them Kelabu, Belang and Chomel. They look fine and healthy, and I am really glad. As soon as they are weaned from their mum, I will need to take Siti to be spayed. No more little kitties as there are just too many in Kampung. While space is not a problem, I think the cat population around the house just needs to be controlled a bit.

I sometimes used to wonder ( still do) why some people choose to breed cats ( of course for the money) continuously, with no break for the mother/queen cat to be a cat and enjoy life. As soon as the kittens are weaned, they are offered for sale, hence separating the poor mother and offsprings. The mother is then mated again for another round of litter. Only to be taken away from her just when they become adorable only to end up in dispay cases in pet shops around town. Surely there are better ways to earn a living? Would we do this to our kind?

I wonder too what makes a cat-lover love cats. As a pet for companionship? To save a life and protect a living thing who otherwise might be dangerously roaming the streets and get run over ( and not die instantly)? Because they are cute and can catch mice? Or they are nice accessories to have around the house, and depending on the breed, can be a way to shout one's status to all and sundry? I know that proffessional breeders do provide a service as some people are very particular about their pet cats. Like developing hypoallergenic cats specially for cat lovers who are allergic to cats (???!!!).

I am also aware that in the US ( January 2008 issue of Catworld) a new hybrid has been genetically developed as the latest "must-have" "Lifestyle" pet - the Ashera. Apparently it is "an African Serval cat crossed with an Asian Leopard cat" and stands at 4(FOUR) feet tall! The price for a kitten ( with a one year waiting list like the Kelly Bag from Hermes?!) is POUND STERLINGS 14,000!! Yes, you read it right, FOURTEEN THOUSAND, convert that to RM and it is close to 100,000!!! Well, the extent we humans go to sometimes to be more human(smarter) than animals. And yet animals can give birth in the wild with no need for midwives or hospitals...

Moi? Not particular at all. Most of my cats are rescued cats and luckily they seem to be healthy and hardy. I need the vet only when they sustain some injury or other. Alhamdullillah for moggies.

Back to the Ashera . I read the article a few times to make sure it is not a fiction featured in a cat magazine. It wasn't. So there you are, soon cats will not be cats anymore? Maybe some will have rabbit's ears or elephant trunks or crocodile jaws. Whatever. The Sphinx is bad enough, poor creature. It would have nightmares if it realises just how weird it looks . But to pay close to Rm100,000 for a cat (the Ashera) is the ultimate act of decadence ( for me). What will it feed on, caviar? Smoked salmon and fresh seafood platter? The owner? Hmmm.

I like cats the way they are - easy to find, easy to please and so very interesting to observe. And to look like the cat I used to see in my early reading books, the ones that say "This is a cat. The cat sits on a mat."

More Bling-Bling!

2008-03-23T19:01:00.001-07:00

Well, Beling beling to be exact! Imagine how thrilled I was to discover that Daun Pecah Beling IS growing in my neigbourhood! Now that I know what it looks like, my eyes naturally grabbed any growths in the neighbourhod "belukar" that resembles the plant that I had received from Penang. What a nice and plkeasant discovery it was....

....especially since my stock of leaves to be blended with an apple avery other day is dwindling very fast, and not to mention, whatever that's left are wilting just as fast too. I had also generously offered some to a couple of people I know who were keen to have some. One is for a friend's nephew who has colon cancer, who will complete his chemotherapy soon, and the other is for a friend's nephew-in-law who is currently undergoing chemotheraphy for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Now I can tell them that there is a ready source of fresh leaves. One of my neighbours must have planted it, it couldn't have just grown on its own.

I had cautioned them that this should be treated as a supplement ( rich in antioxidants) rather than a cure ( not clinically tested yet but testimonials from survivors who take the blended drink regularly ) and therefore they would continue with their chemotherapy routine.

I am going to a birthday Hi-Tea of a friend at her home today ( she turns 60) and seriously thinking of giving her some of the cuttings that I have started growing of Pecah Beling. Her hubby is a green enthusiast and loves to garden, so it could be a nice gift , if I "dress up" the pot and gift-wrap it. It will be a gift with a difference as other than a book, I have run out of good ideas on what to give as presents for friends who have led a very good life....who seems to have everything that they need , and more. Hmm, I could seriously consider this....

Amy's got a gun..!

2008-03-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Bouncer - new injuries before the old ones could even heal.....!

For someone with a "masculine" name of Azmi, I was lucky enough to have a string of nicknames which are rather feminine! My parents call me "Miah" even though they would refer me to others as "Azmi". My siblings call me "Ami" /Kak "Ami". My nieces and nephews call me "Aunty Amy". This can be traced back to the early 70's/late 60's when I became an "aunty" for the first time ever and was trying to decide if I should be Mak Ngah or something else. Something else it was, as way back in the late 60's and early 70's, it was simply "groovy" to have a western version of your name. Just like our neigbours across the Malacca Straits. My friends call me any of the call names according to when they began to know me. Colleagues at work call me my real name. As a student in the UK, my lecturers called me "Ms Talib". They thought Azmi is my dad's name.

What a digression....in any case, today I got a gun. Yes, Amy's got a gun. A toy gun. No permit required. It cost me all of RM 19.99, as it was on offer at Toys R Us. No, cancer has not accelerated second childhood in me. It has just taught me to take stock of situations, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others, and do the necessary to resolve stressful ones so that these will not grate on my nerves. Stress is bad. If anything, try to resolve the source of stress or simply choose to just ignore it. If you can.

Remember Bouncer? He has learnt not to wander unnecessarily, incase he gets into another "bloody" brawl. The unfortunate thing is, his main "opponent", the huge yellow cat( hence we call him "Kuning") from the next road kept making an appearance at our front gate and into our garden. Once in our compound, Bouncer can't resist the impulse ( or instinct ) to chase him off. When that happens, si-Kuning would attack, and yes, I have a fight on my hands. Both cats have their balls intact ( not spayed), and hence the aggression towards each other. A territorial thing with Bouncer, a curiousity of sorts for Si-Kuning ( we still refer to him as Si-Kuning, even though his human owner call him "Warrior"). No wonder he is always cruising for a bruising!

Bouncer hasn't been spayed because he may not be able to take the GA ( general anasthetic) to enable the Vet to neuter him. Maybe that was the reason his previous owner hasn't done it for him. I am not sure what si-Kuning's reason is. I must find out from the owner, and try to persuade them to have him spayed. He is also collecting battle wounds on his otherwise fluffy yellow body.

When they fight, it is really fighting for their lives - really a wild catfight, grovelling all over the ground and generating loud, frightening sounds that can be heard along the whole street. When we tried to pull them apart, we got ourselves scratched. It would have been so easy to pry them apart with a long stick ( which I have) but they stuck to each other, biting ears and eyes, with loose fur flying all around. Not to mention the nervous pee-ing that occur at the same time. Their brawls really scared my other cats who are caged in their "multi-level" mobile cage in the garden.

I really shoudn't take sides, but si-Kuning really has no business being here attacking Bouncer. And as for Bouncer, he should have just "growled" and let si Kuning slink away quietly, but no, if si Kuning keeps on advancing, Bouncer goes for the attack! It must be the tiger(stripes) in him.

So what to do? I don't have the heart to hit them with my tennis racket ( that would have stopped the fight I figured)...one whack and smash...and they both get thrown against the garden wall. I have a garden hose but by the time I get to the hose and turn on the tap, it would have been a good 3-4 minutes of fight, too late to save scratches on both of the fighters! Si Kuning too suffers some bad cuts on his face, but he keeps coming for more!

But(excitedly) now I have a gun!!!. A toy gun no doubt. But, it is a "Power Blaster" no less, and can shoot a "powerful" jet of water up to 30 feet away. I tested it on the maid and she said it is "ticklish" where the jet of water hits her. I was hoping for "prickly" rather than ticklish, but I guess that will do. The gun is now filled with it's water ammunition, placed close to my main door. Just waiting for the next time si-Kuning makes an appearance. At the first signal of a growl from Bouncer, we would know that he is approaching our front gate.

And we would know what to do. Cats simply hate cold water. A simple jet of cold water will surely keep si-Kuning away,. This should save both him and Bouncer from more scratches and cuts. And peace at last for my other babies who will be trying to enjoy a bit of sun in their cage in the garden!

Bouncer, Oh Bouncer...!!!

2008-03-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

I had mentioned Bouncer in one of my earlier posts last year. We found him badly injured and taking refuge in my porch, when I returned to KL after a few weeks in Kampung late August 2007. He was skinny, smelly, with swollen jaw, eye and a big hole under his chin which had pus oozing out. One of his incisor teeth was chipped. We could not figure out what might have happened to him but felt sorry for him. I sent him to the Vet where he was nursed for 18 days as he was severely dehydratee and it seems his liver was not functioning well because his ears and the whites of his eyes were YELLOW!

He was perfectly fine after that, albeit very weak and required a few more weeks of recuperating at home. He had to be caged as his liver infection may be passed on to the other cats. He was also on some medication for almost 3 weeks which I had to administer with difficulty as his jaw was still mending and it wasn't easy to chuck in the tablets. Besides, the hole in his lower jaw went through his mouth. You could put cotton wool under his jaw and see it from inside his lower mouth!

Poor Bouncer...we didn't know how he came to appear at my house or where he came from. He was very weak but we can tell that he is a "manja" cat. He must have a human owner, surely. Either he was dumped nearby due to his injury or perhaps he had wandered from his human and got into a brawl, and hence the injury. Whatever, we decided to adopt him until his owner comes looking. We called him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, tough shoulders, big neck and despite being ill, eats tons! When he was at the Vet's, he refused to eat and drink, so he was put on a drip. I had to come by EVERYDAY to make him eat ( which he did happily - he lapped up his food while I was around).

Bouncer is a cat who thinks he is a guard dog and really lives up to his name. He used to just sit up on all fours guarding the front porch and hardly leaves the house. Whenever I am back from an outing, he would be on guard at the porch and acknowledges my return with a meow and gently rubs his head against my feet. He gets stepped on sometimes ( well, a lot actually) because I move around like a storm. He puts on a deep growl if an outside cat tries to sneak in, just like a guard dog.

When his strength grows and he puts on weight, he was more confident and started to chase the outside cats to wherever their points of origins were. Sometimes he comes back , sometimes he doesn't. That is fine with me as I was hoping he might remember where he used to live and find his must-now-be-so-frantic human owner. But thankfully, he comes back always, even though sometimes we don't get to see him for a few days . Once he was missing for about 5 days and I had felt quite sad that he might have found his owner and I won't get to see his pathetic though cute face again.

Most recently he came back with lots of "battle wounds". His ears were badly scratched, he lost his (3rd!) collar , deep gashes all over his body and really bad bite marks on one of his forelegs. He might have been entangled in a fight with a dog or maybe another fierce cat. It must have been a bad fight because he stayed home for days due to exhaustion. The gaping wounds didn't help as it must be painful for him to move around.

The photo below shows Bouncer today, still trying to recover from his wounds. It was just about to heal a few days ago when he decided to go on patrol again, and of course, he came home with his wounds refreshed and bleeding plus a few new scratches. I now keep him indoors in the day time and cage him outside at night. At least until the wound heals. He is on antibiotics and we have to clean his wound daily.

I make him sleep on an old armchair in the house. Look at how terrible that wound is - very smelly too. The wound on the underside of the same foreleg looks worse but he wouldn't let me photograph it.

This is Bouncer when he was discharged from the Vet's in August last year(when we sent him in to be treated for his liver ailment). He was rather skinny then and did not have a collar. He wears one now so that no one will treat him as a stray but with "respect".... I have heard of cruel folks who set their dogs after stray cats, and I don't want anyone to think he is a stray-stray.

Pawtrait of Bouncer just before he got caught up in the brawls. He is wearing a collar which is hidden under his multi layered chins. I am not sure what his breed is but that is okay since I am not particular about that. He looks like a British shorthair with traces of Bengal ( he has spots on his torso) and his head and neck is disproportionately big compared to the rest of his body.

His eyes are green on yellow, with one eye probably blind. His face is "flat-ish" like a Pekinese dog or Persian cat, so he has a problem feeding as his entire face rubs the feeding bowl. Unlike my other cats who have no problem licking food from a bowl and able to keep their faces clean!

Well, whatever....today we fed Bouncer freshly minced raw chicken liver with a touch of ginger, garlic and turmeric per the health-giving recipe that I picked up recently. If it is good for me, then it should be good for Bouncer, who needs all the nutrients to heal his battle wounds....

Stay cool, Bouncer. And stay indoors!! For now at least.

Fresh Liver, anyone?

2008-03-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

I am glad I made an effort to attend the Cancer Carers Conference yesterday, organised by the Cancerlink Foundation of Malaysia. Not only were the plenary sessions very informative with eminent speakers presenting topics of interest that benefits not only care-providers, but patients and survivors as well. There were 7 workshops in the afternoon, and I had selected to participate in the workshop by Dato Dr M.Rajen - "Validating Complementary medicine for Cancer". It was not a session that invalidated conventional medicine and treatment, but include discussions about holistic approach to healthcare, using resources provided by nature and using them as close as possible to their natural stage ( raw and whole foods).

Although I consider myself widely read in matters of health and healthy living, there was a lot of new things and tips that I gathered during the session. And of course, when I got the opportunity, I tried to seek Dr Rajen's thoughts about adjuvant therapies for breast cancer. He is supportive of those due to the very nature of the disease ( ie need to cut, poison and burn) as well as ongoing hormonal therapies ( in other words I got another "persuasion" to consider Tamoxifen as I am ER/PR positive). That does not preclude however that where possible cancer patients need to male sure their diet is rich and nutritious in the right food values so that the body is strong and immunity is enhanced to minimise threats of recurrence.

He is very knowledgeable. He has a weekly column in the Sunday Star, which I never miss reading. I asked about why is it that we have so many living testimonies about cancer survivors maintaining a reasonable level of health despite terminal prognosis of their illness due to their taking natural supplements ( eg pecah beling etc), and yet no one is willing to proceed with clinical trials to validate the usage of natural supplements. He shared that there are a few obstacles to doing that mainly relating to funding and IP issues. Assuming someone had invested to run a trial ( if permitted to do that in the first place), should the trial prove successful, how does one patent the use of a herb that is so easily available? How is the investor going to get a return on his investment? So it would appear that for the time being, unless the government takes the initiative, no one would be interested, and we would carry on this tradition of relying on testimonies on the wonders of our herbs. Any takers, out there?

Some 200 people were at the conference, and it seems all the states in Malaysia had some attendees. I met some who came all the way from Sarawak just for the conference. Cancerlink will be covering in detail their objectives for organising such a conference ( this is the first year they are having it) and it is their plan to have it as an annual event. Their next Cancerlink journal will feature a write-up on the conference. I was thrilled to bump into some familiar faces. These were old buddies I met at chemo sessions. We used to keep in touch during treatment to compare notes and then lost touch ( me losing my mobile phone twice last year and they too had lost phones - it is so common !). Of course they have real HAIR on their heads now, and look a wee bit different from the last time we met at the chemo lounge! It was lovely to see them so hale and hearty, and Insya Allah, we pray that we all remain that way.

The photo below is of me at the height of my baldness......I shaved my hair after clumps started to fall off within the first 3 weeks of the first chemo cycle. Cool, huh? Macam Yul Brynner.

( I can afford to smile then......???)

The phot below was taken yesterday at the afternoon workshop on Complementary Medicine.
That is Dato Dr M.Rajen standing next to me. My hair ( not re-styled yet as I am letting it grow naturally) is growing nicely now and I notice that I am using up Shampoo rather quickly as I wash my hair everyday after my morning exercise.

By the way, Dato Dr M.Rajen has a website www.alterni.com for anyone who wants to look up for information on complementary and holistic treatment. I will never forget the tip he gave to the group which he himself swears by. For energy and to strengthen your immune system ( especially if you re suffering from immuno-suppression due to chemotherapy), you may beef up your system with this: take one or two raw fresh kampung egg daily , and on every other day or three times a week, take this interesting concoction below. Dato Dr Rajen didn't have a name for it, so I will have to think of something for me!

I am going to call this " Liver Cocktail ". The recipe is as follows :

1 tablespoon fresh, raw liver ( about half a liver) of Ayam Kampung. Repeat-AYAM KAMPUNG!

1 teaspoon chopped fresh ginger

1 teasponn chopped fresh garlic

Blend the above. Put in a small cup. Then add 1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lime juice. Stir, close your nose and gulp it down.

I tried it this morning, and it is actually quite tasty. I expected it to be "hanyir" but it wasn't as the lime juice cooked it somewhat. Happy trying!

Finally, the Real Pecah Beling !

2008-03-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

Fresh Pecah Beling and Green Apple(blended)

Close up of Pecah Beling (Strobilanthes Crispus)

Below: Nadia with the plant, which travelled by road all the way from Penang!

Finally, the long "hunt" for Pecah Beling is over!!

And yes, it is VERY different in texture from the various leaves that I have been spying on during walks - the leaves may have looked similar but stark differences are obvious when I finally got to see the real plant. For a start, it is not a weed but an actual shrub plant with green almost woody stems. The leaves are deep green and feel really coarse, almost like sandpaper. I think if you have that plant at home, you can use it to scrub your pots and pans if you run out of kitchen sponge. And yes, the leaves are..........jagged.

Last evening I received my "supply" of Pecah Beling , a sackful almost! Enough plants for me to try( blend 25 leaves with half an apple, 3 times a week for its rich antioxidant property) and to use the stems to grow it in my shoebox of a garden. I was sooooo excited and so were the cats.

I had managed to call Lilly who grows the plant in Penang, she takes it religiously. As she was in Kelantan when I called, she suggested I contacted someone she knows in Penang who would be able to provide some to me. That I did, and that is how I managed to get a bountiful supply last night.

I was lucky that a friend was in Penang on business and she would be driving back to KL. So to cut a long story short, she was kind enough to collect the plants from the very nice person who supplied us with it.

The juice tastes quite pleasant ( of course I added an apple in case I get put off by its naked taste) and I think it is easy to get used to. It is non-toxic, and has no side effects, so it can easily be consumed like you would any other juice. Some people would take a few leaves, crush them, and leave them to steep(brew) in boiling water for 10 minutes to drink as a tea. Blending it is of course much more nutritious as fresh juices will retain the nutrients they contain.

Information on Pecah Beling is available at the http://www.melur.com/ website, so I will not repeat it here. It has received wide testimonials ( not controlled clinical tests) for being a helpful supplement to increase immunity and may be helpful in managing the health of cancer survivors. Some experiments done by USM ( on animals) have indicated that the extracts can reduce tumours . No tests have been done on humans yet but research on its properties is continuing.

Lets hope the scientists will be able to conclude their findings soon!

Cancer Carers Conference March 15(tomorrow!)

2008-03-14T00:23:00.001-07:00

ANNOUNCEMENT

The Cancerlink Foundation ( HQ in Petaling Jaya) is organising a 1-day conference specially geared for attendance by Cancer Patients, Cancer Survivors as well as Cancer Care-Givers.

Details as follows:

What: Cancer Carers Conference
When: March 15, 2008 ( 9am - 5pm) *Registration 7.30-9 am
Where: Eastin Hotel, Petaling Jaya
What will it cost: RM 50 ( includes 2 coffee breaks and lunch)

It is open to all. According to the Cancerlink Foundation, the programe includes talks and discussions by healthcare proffessionals and guests from the medical proffession. It is expected that 200 participants will attending the event.

If you have not registered, you may still do so at the venue before the start of the event.
Inquiries please contact The Cancerlink Foundation at 03-79567789.

It will be a great way to network with other survivors and people in the healthcare industry. I look forward to use it as a forum to seek any clarifications that may be required with the experts and experienced there. And also to air all those questions about cancer that you have always wanted to know but was afraid or ave forgotten to ask.

I will have to give my Saturday Qigong meet a miss in order to attend this full day event, but I think it will be worth it....

Pecah Beling ( or Not?)

2008-03-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

Question: Is this how Pecah Beling looks and is that how the plant grows - on long stems? That's Wik, my helper, posing with the "Bayam" that we plucked out from the ground near my house.

I am a great fan of "Ulam" and it goes without saying that fans of Ulam are also great fans of Sambal Belacan. But alas, due to a self-imposed period of recovery from double surgery in 2007, I have to avoid all things that might cause inflammation or allergies. So out the window (and main door too, I might add) go all kinds of exotic delicacies - tempoyak, cencaluk, budu , pekasam, just to name a few. My doctors told me I can eat anything, within reason, no pantang. I tried eating prawns, squid, kembung and paid dearly for it when I itch like a monkey. So for now it is trial and error, and taking meat and seafood sparingly or not at all, and only white fish.
And I itch less....

My years in boarding school (TKC in the 60's and early 70's) brought me into contact with friends from all over Malaysia and it was there that I mastered the art of eating everything that someone else has eaten even though I haven't. I learnt a lot too about all kinds of ulam2, and sayur2 as food is naturally a favourite topic in between studying for exams and talking about boys. When I went home for the holidays I would introduce what I had learnt to my family, for example to enjoy Budu with Ikan bakar. I would learn too of ulams that I have not heard of before, as my repertoire of ulam then would be Timun and Petai.

By the time I left TKC, I have heard of Ulam Raja, Peria Katak, Tenggek Burung, Pucuk Betik, Bebuas, Pucuk Gajus, Daun Selom, Pegaga, loads. But I cannot recall everbeing told that there is a daun called Pecah Beling,which according to what I read in the comment page of a website on local herbs www.melur.com a tea and some say can be prepared as a sayur! The tea is supposedly helpful to manage batu karang ( stones in kidney) and has been researched as a possible supplement to manage cancer. No clinical research per se has been done to support this, but there has been a few by word-of- mouth kind of testimony. If it does not have any side effects and directionally can help to manage cancer, then it sounds quite appealing. One more local herb or ulam to add to my ever-expanding repertoire Ulam2.

Question: Is this Pecah Beling? Close-up picture fits the web and book description but edges are not serrated. I took this photo of the growth near my house. It looks like the web image somewhat.

Based on the image displayed in the website and also the description I got from a book, it would seem that this is a very common herb ( or should I say weed?). Seems to flourish in semak 2 and belukar, has stems like daun kesom ( for laksa) and feels kesat like sandpaper on the surface. The description fits the abundance of growth that I see on my walking trail in my housing area, Bt Kiara Walking trail as well as at Taman Rimba Kiara. The only feature that is missing is the leaf is supposed to be "bergigi 2"(serrated) along the edges. So because I am unsure, I can't confirm and do very much with it.

I am still checking this out. At time of writing a friend who happens to be in Penang is going to try and locate or go to the Melor outlet to see if she can buy some for me. I can then compare what she brings back with what is growing here. I have tried to get in touch with Melur.com but unable to get a reply using the number listed in their website. I suppose to be sure I can mailorder a plant or 2 as their website does internet sale.

There is a lady who swears by this herb, and I have been fortunate enough to be given her contact number so I shall make it a point to contact her soon to find out more. And then decide how I can use the information. It is always good to learn about how others are coping with their health, and then decide if there is anything that we can adopt or adapt to.

The Vote was Cast - The Day After

2008-03-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

Bouncer & Blackie: "Hey, that was quick...you were hardly gone 10 minutes! Are you sure you voted correctly, Mama Mi? Put the "X" in the right box?"
(Morning of March 8, 2008 - D-day)

Let's celebrate by being thankful that democracy is very much alive and our PU12 was smooth.....

(Morning of March 9, 2008 - the day after)

The people have spoken. The writing is on the wall. The message seems loud and clear. I have deep respect for the electorate who have exercised their democratic right. And moving forward, we hope and we pray to dear God that we will all contribute to make this nation work - BN component parties, the Opposition and the people ( you and me ) they represent. It is now the day after, I have just woken up after sleeping in all day ( almost, until a friend called to ask me to have tea in Bangsar after Asar) and I was still trying to convince myself that I have not dreamt it all - the election results, that is.

What a day it was on March 8. I woke up early, bid farewell to my 5 cats at 8.30 am and walked to the Sri Hartamas school (3 minutes away) which is the polling station for Segambut. I did not have to queue even though I bumped into a few of my neighbours who had gone to "pangkah".

I was back home well before 9 am and stayed in all day, staying glued to the tv, wired to the laptop and mobile. And did not sleep until about 6 am this morning....

I half expected the outcome but was fully shocked when it happened - that the BN took a severe beating even though it succeeded to form a government under its banner. Except in those 5 states - Kelantan, Penang, Kedah, Perak and...even Selangor!?. I expected small "dinks" here and there but to lose 5 states and losses by senior ministers? Did we see it coming? Perhaps. Did we as a nation do anything about it? We must have, we sent a clear and loud message through loaads of xxxxxxxxx's. We love this country, as we all belong to this country. That is why we have to be honest and spill our guts via the xxxx's to those who will help us run this country better. So that they will run it really well. Not just for them only, but for all the people who place them there.

Here's to acceptance and to a commitment to make this election result the best ever. Not in terms of majority or who has been booted out or swept in. For BN rooters, let's look at it positively that an honest message has been signed, sealed and delivered and the BN can take heed that times have changed. The world around us has changed, our people have changed in adapting to globalisation, so must the way the powers that be run the country, for the people.

The information highway cannot be ignored, it is very much the lifeblood of any organisation. Information and communication is everything. Action and results are merely translation of what have been communicated. For the Opposition who now have been given a strong vote of confidence by the people, do walk the talk and work with powers that be to protect our interest. We voters expect you to work as a team and not to out-do one another, at our expense. Learn the ropes from the veterans.

While the PM is busy forming a new cabinet, I thought I will do the same - form a a new

"Cat-binet" at home. My 3 cats ( Troy, Ashely and Puteri) are really bored in KL and I think if they can talk or vote, they will vote to live in Kampung - more space and freedom to roam. Blackie and Bouncer, the 2 rescued cats are now very dear to me after caring for them all year ( Bouncer since August 2007). They will not be caged as they have always been strays, it will be cruel to confine them. But they are always getting into skirmishes with neighbour's cats and dogs and always in and out of the Vet's clinic and surgery. Very time consuming, not to mention very costly. I could have gone around the world on the vet's fees. I may decide to relocate them to Kampung so they can roam freely there, no dogs. It's just a question of how will it rock the "hierachy" in Kampung where Jebat is "king" being the only resident male cat un-spayed. Will he feel threatened by Blackie and Bouncer, and will they get into skirmishes? Bouncer suffers from a low immunity illness ( even though he is a fat cat) and can't really afford to get too many cuts and infections.

Hmmm...tough decision. But a decision needs to be made for their sake as well as mine, as I get very upset whenever they come home with a torn ear, gaping wounds on their forelegs and scratches galore on their bodies. I feel their pain when they whimper and I do want the best for them, within what I can provide...gotta decide soon...

7 days to March 8!

2008-02-29T18:35:00.000-08:00

Miss Gigit having an afternoon snooze ....zzzzzz

Miss Gigit: "ZZZzzzzz, go vote wisely Mama Mi.....make sure the candidates will not increase the price of fish, Friskies, IAMS,Whiskas, Royal Canine and cat litter. And that they outlaw people who are cruel to animals. We are peaceful creatures....we sleep all day and keep ourselves out of trouble.....Zzzzzzzzz"

Last year, March 8 was the date of my second surgery to remove a 1.5cm malignant lump discovered by chance. The lump was removed from my left breast, a series of treatment follows and life goes on. Decisions were made, and actions taken. Even where it seemingly appears as though no action has been taken ( because of "deviation" from the tested norm), it was the result of a well thought out decision. A decision that the decision maker(moi!) has to live with and abide by. Making and arriving at a decision that is different from the norm is never easy. It is much easier to decide on concensus, much harder to do it differently. We all have faith on the tried and tested, supported by statistics and numbers. One must not forget however, that much as it is less of a hassle to go with the flow and follow the numbers, we have to be true to ourselves, and to listen to our inner voice. And to do something, anything, only when and only if, we are 101% convinced that the action is the right thing for us. That is not to say that once certain decisions are made they are cast in stone. That would be foolish. Some decisions need to be evaluated and assessed on an ongoing basis as situations change, and when they do, certain decisions need to be either updated or totally unravelled. Until that time, we live according to what we have put our hearts and soul into, and hope and pray that our decision was the best for us.

So it is with this coming election. Come March 8 we cast our vote to select the leaders who are to serve us and keep this nation running at full tank! No siphoning resulting in us running on less than full tank.We want a safe, secure, clean, happy, healthy, wealthy nation - for EVERYONE. A tall order. But it is our right and prerogative to want the best for us. Not for someone else to tell us what is good for us but what we have evaluated as being what we need in order for us to make good.

On March 8, 2008, we have a decision to make and to select wisely on who will be able to deliver what is needed to make this country better than it has ever been. A simple "X" it may be if you are voting, but place the "X" in the wrong box and you live to regret it for the next 4 years when you see clowns acting up only in their best interests even after pledging to care for the whole nation. You make a decision not based on your neighbour or your respected mentor's choice but solely on information and knowledge that you would have gathered, collected and observed between election periods. You evaluate, you weigh and you decide.

Sure you may discover it might be a big mistake later on, but that's what makes us different from God, the all-knowing. On the other hand, you may find that your decision was spot on and has resulted in what you have been expecting from your choice. Never mind what the crowd thinks, they are entitled to their opinion and their choice.

The deluge and overload of information flooding every possible communication media is not meant to mislead you. The claims and "blowing of trumpets" on accomplishments and promises are to be expected. If we have been keeping our eyes, ears and noses effectively working, we will be able to verify all these campaign talks and even question some of them. It is those who have been sleeping, and just enjoying being spoonfed with useless information that might continue to be misled, unwittingly. Not just the candidates need to do their homework and sweat it out for this coming election. The raakyat need to as well. Look back at what and where we were, look at where we are now and think of what we want down the road. Look at your candidates, and assess if they deserve to be re-elected ( if the same person standing), and do some homework to investigate and evaluate if someone deserves to be given an opportunity to lead, if a new face.

Then make your choice. And live with it.

I enjoy the various campaining mediums that are being used this time. At least we are going somewhere there - going hi-tech and going "corporate". We can see that the parties and candidates are really using their heads and resources to reach out to the rakyat. I specially like the BN's "MALAYSIA 2008 Progress Report andManifesto". I think "Corporate Malaysia" and I like the form of that report. It reminds me of corporate life when we have to annually list out annual goals and objectives, which are not only measurable but transparent and visible, and which are in line with the corporate mission and vision. It is obvious that the BN is making a concerted effort to reach out to the "thinking" population and to the intellectuals. The copy I got is in English and I don't know at this time if versions in other languages have been distributed as well. I would assume so, though it is hard for me to imagine such booklets being distributed in the kampungs, kawasan pendalaman and squatter areas. It is now for me to evaluate the substance of BN's report and compare its contents with my own assessments over the last few years, and over the last few months.

Recent events to me are good barometers of how a ruling party is going to turn out if they win the election. If anything, the next 7 days before decision time will be greatly influenced by what is happening during the period, not what good have happened in yonks. The good/bad that was done is history. We move on. An election is not about rewarding or punishing the candidates for past deeds or early rewards for yet to be fulfilled promises. It is the future we want to invest in, and like any investments there will be an element of risk. But make it a calculated risk. I have faith in the government machinery, but want to take extra care in selecting the candidates who will be running and managing the machinery.

In it's simplest term, for me, an effective government is a government with an effective Opposition. I don't think I want to ever be in a country where there are no Opposition parties. Not parties who are continuously opposed to the the government just for the sake of living up to their name. But an Opposition who will question, stretch and work with the ruling party to sort out any "grey" areas so that a true consensus is reached before any important policy decisions are made that will affect the rakyat.

On March 8, who ever it is that I will be voting for is someone I hope who will be able to help sort out a few "grey" areas for me.....and use their clout and position to look into some of the areas which I feel should have been addressed more effectively and aggressively. More action, less empy talk and meaningless jargons.

-when including statistics in reports that are supposed to make us go "aaah!" with delight eg hardcore poor is down by x%, please clearly define how the group has been identified. Likewise when stating that household incomes has increased , how was the number determined - arithmetical average, median, and what is the mode? It is very misleading to be excited that "household incomes rose from monthly average of RM 3,249 to RM3, 617". How many households exceed this average and how many are way below? A 2-person household may derive a monthly income of RM 40,000 or more and a household of 7 ( one working mother or father with 5 growing kids ) may only earn RM 1500 a month. How is that "household income monthly average" arrived at? I am not thrilled at the number because it is just a number, as I do not know how to interprete it to convince myself that we are indeed doing better. It could mean the rich are getting richer while the needy ones are still as many, if not more in numbers. Those studying statistics ( people in advertising, market research, journalism, politics etc) know that unless more than just the numbers are given, the "statistic" itself is pretty much useless.

-Elected leaders, especially in the rural areas should not just stop at fighting for electricity and water for out-of-town locations. 50 years after independence and we still have areas with no proper drainage systems. Monsoon drains have been promised but still outstanding in completion, so drains are just dug-outs with no proper barriers to minimise the risk of erosions and worse, of having animals, children falling into them. Rubbish collection is also something taken for granted, that people would consume their own rubbish? The good ones would burn their rubbish in the kampungs, but there are some even in towns who throw their rubbish away, anywhere, as long as it is out of their own backyard! What can be done, how can we improve our garbage management once we step out of the golden triangle or the posh postal addresses? There is no collection systems for some places even though ( outwardly) that can be easily included especially for kampungs between 2 towns through which the Town Council trucks pass by. Under the same subject, neat little buildings were set up as collection centers in some "kampung towns" to encourage recycling but the place is locked, no one is really managing it and rubbish is being strewn OUTside the building as the residents must be really fed up to find the place locked up at all times after they took the trouble to haul up recyleables from their homes!

- Beautiful libraries are built in some kampungs to inculcate the reading habit. Kudos to the administrators who made sure that current periodicals and journals, newspapers, magazines are available daily (except weekends when libraries are closed). But sadly the book collections are really pathetic. It is a shame since the building itself is nice and well kept ( so far) but the kids patronising the library are only using the place to revise, bringing their own documents and homework there but no exposure to a good book collection that could have increased their knowledge!

- Not many old folks are lucky to have children who compete to take care of their welfare during their golden years. Not many children are lucky to have aged parents who want to stay with them or being looked after, as even in their old age, some folks are just too independent and do not like to be mothered and smothered by their children. So how about each kampung or housing area being required to have a Daycare center( run by volunteers or paid workers) for not only children but old folks who would otherwise be left alone at home when everyone else is out ( to go to work, college etc). This would still preserve the family unit instead of old folks making a decision to register in a nursing homes away from their loved ones, so that they can be with people their age. People are living longer and not everyone can afford nursing homes and paid care-takers . I am not sure what "monthly assistance for the elderly increased from RM 135 to RM 200" is all about in the report, is that a one-off at HRaya or CNY? Even so what can RM200 do these days. Better to plan or organise a community where they can mingle and be active and free to come and go. The baby boomers are well into their golden years now and come the next few elections, they will form a major segment of the voting public.

-Elected leaders can learn emphathy and learn how the "other side" lives. Instead of inviting anak2 yatim to experience what it is like living in a palatial mansion for just a day in their life ( and then they go back to their miserable and probably lacking in some basic amenities homes) why not do it the other way round. Go and make a surprise weekend visit to the house of say a rubber tapper or rubbish collector, or a police constable or army rank and file, live their life for a day and convince yourself that "their lot has improved".

I was in a queue in a bank recently and this poor old man ( in his 60's)was queueing up in front of me. He has all but 63 ringgit to bank into his savings account, holding a worn out and weathered looking savings passbook in his equally weather beaten hands. I overheard him telling the cashier that this is a "good month" and that normally he hardly has 50 ringgit to save up for a "motor" ( motorbike? ) And to think that some people buy luxury cars (that can pay for a whole row of single storey terrace houses) for their wives or girlfriend as a birthday gift. That incident left me stunned and I thought of instances when people think nothing of paying twenty or thirty over grand for a mere handbag so that they are seen with the "right bag".....or the "right watch" or the "right shoes". And in our "negara makmor" a hardworking man has to save a lifetime to get 2 wheels to call his own ( probably a kap-cai?)

-Okay, I will stop being petty....but most importantly can the elected representatives promise that if "they cannot beat them, please DO NOT join them". Please. Corruption exists. Not just in this country but globally. No one is perfect, no government is either. So please do not abuse your office and do not add to the corruption index. The BN Manifesto says to REDUCE corruption. Why not ERADICATE or WIPE OUT? We have to aim loftily for the moon to get somewhere near the stars. REDUCE is not good enough, but I appreciate the effort. Go grab the corrupt ones by their balls to deter new ones.

-And be fair. Let's not make a laughing stock of ourselves. Everyone is equal before the law, so let us practice that. No more silly it-sounds-like-me,-it looks-like-me situations. Who are we fooling? And cases that drag and drag and drag due to lack of evidence because some people who are more important thatn you or me might be involved?

These are some of the few at the tip of my tongue or should I say fingers without even thinking very hard. Everyone has their own list. How confident are we that our list will be attended to? And who shall we vouch for, to help us sort out our list, not forgetting that the first step has to be ours. By voting wisely.

So do vote wisely. It is not a time for blind faith, emotions, or worse, revenge. It is a time to be true to yourself, to heed what is going on around you, to digest the information and put the knowlede to good use by choosing wisely.

Good luck ( to all of us). May our decision be the right one. Insya Allah.

The latest Check Up

2008-02-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

I did not know what to make of my last follow-up visit with my Onco. My first follow up after completing the standard surgery, chemo and radiation treatments in late October was interpreted as "okay" and that my CT Scan then required me to do another in 3/4 months time. This was due to the radiologist's report on the chest scan that read "There are 3 mediastinal nodes , measuring 11mm in the anterior mediastinum, 17 mm in the petracheal space and 16 mm in the aortapulmonray window. Conclusion: Three mediastinal nodes. They are low in density with no enhancement and may rperesent reactive nodes rather than metastasis." I certainly hoped and prayed that these are benign. I have not started on Tamoxifen or any other estrogen-inhibitor drugs, so naturally I was quite worried and took care that I do not jeopardise my health further by making sure I balanced my lifestyle with healthy eating, proper exercise ( daily 1-hr walks and Qigong), lots of fluids (juices and plain filtered water), multivitamins and lots of doa and remaining positive that I should be able to maintain this lifestyle long term so that it becomes second nature and routine. And daily selawat doa and prayers on the sejadah, for at the end of the day, we can only usaha and the Almighty decides.....

It was with such nervous tremors that I went to my 2nd follow up. I know the question of Tamoxifen will come up again and the CT scan will have to be repeated. At RM 1200 per scan, every 3 months, it is much more than what the daily Tamoxifen will cost me annually. When my Onco asked how I am, I told him the truth ie that I feel fine. He had 5 visiting doctors in his clinic that day ( from Vietnam) and he shared with them my medical history, and as though to complete the profile, mentioned that I should have started on Tamoxifen but has not yet.

They all turned to me and asked why not, and that I should. There were 3 ladies among them and I asked if any of them has been diagnosed with BC. Of course they are all hale and healthy as

doctors should be, given all the information and knowledge they have on treatment and cures. No one has had BC. I shared with them that I have courageously endured the surgery and it's aftermath ( left arm still numb and left breast still tender, as though the scars within are still mending even though the external scars are "fine") even though I had thought the lump was too small to necesitate surgery. I was a stage 1 with no lymph nodes affected baed on the examination of the 21 lymphnodes removed from my axilla. I endured the trials and tribulations of chemotherapy and all that it entailed, and am still mending. Though hair and nails are almost back to normal (my big toe nails are still trying to outgrow the blue nails), the rash on my left foot comes and goes. I am glad to be alive but can't help feeling annoyed when the rash flares up and caused severe itching which drives me crazy. I met some BC survivors who have the same problem ( some worse than me - both feet and their soles too). I mentioned that to the doctors. I am okay with that remaining side effect, as I had opted for the chemo earlier to make sure that any stray or escaped cells during surgery are rounded up by the FEC. Insya Allah. My body now feels prickly when I first break into a sweat whenever I exercise, but once the perspiration flows, I am okay. That is also something "new and different" that might be a result of toxins still trying to pour out of my body via my skin. Radiation was not much of an endurance while undergoing it but 2 weeks following, my skin (on the affected breast)was burnt as toast and itched so bad. Vitamin E oil helped, and apart from some parts which remained dry ( daily Vitamin E body lotion helped to moisturise it), everything seems fine. Except that I may not know at this point what other side-effects the 25 sessions of xrays could lead to, on the other parts of my body which might have been exposed to the rays. I felt that I have placed my faith and my life to God and modern science by having undergone all the last three therapies and that the "known enemy" then had been sorted out. The next phase of this "war on BC" to me, is just like any other effort that I, or anyone else, even the ones who are lucky to be healthy at this point, must be responsible and accountable for. I would like to place my health and my life in my hands and God's. If modern science had been true in it's prognosis and treatment, my zero lymph nodes meant that the BC had not spread, and even if 1 wicked cell had escaped, the chemo should have handled that throughout the 6 cycles and 18 weeks of endurance. The radiation would have scraped of any residual surrounding cells surrounding the surgery area. By definition, I should have a body wiped clean of all the problem cells existing then. What I need to do is to perservere to make sure new ones do not proliferate, and that they will leave my body alone, or better still leave for good. I pray everyday for good health, and treat my body well, what more can I do to ensure my body will be so unwelcoming to potential BC cells. It is not a 2 year or 5 year process, but a life-long one and I am prepared to take that task and face the consequences.

To be fair to the good doctors who have the patient's welfare as a high priority, I was not a "good" patient that day. Degil. Very degil. My Onco says he is dissappointed that I still am not ready to start on Tamoxifen, not even for a month. He says not to wait too long before it is too late. Honestly, I have not discounted Tamoxifen. I would not think twice if any of my lymph nodes had tested positive and/or I am at a late stage (na'u zubillah!). But I wasn't. I just did not feel it right to subject my body to more drugs ( and the risk to my uterus, et al) if it is not really crucial. It is not an easy choice made by simply tossing a coin. It is a deliberate choice based on lots of personal research and talking to live cases and where one minute I think I would go for it, and then the next, I thought no I would not. I flip-flopped, yes but eventually my inner voice tells me to hold off for now. If I don't listen to my inner voice( which is also based on a lot of consultations with God during berdoa sessions), then it is like saying I do not own my body.

I need to take ownership of my body, and my health, to the best of my ability and within reason too, and live well knowing that the experts will be there should God decide so. Insya Allah.

The latest CT scan that day again showed the same mediastinal nodes, but thankfully no new ones and they are all at the same size. In fact, one had actually shrunk by 2mm. When I was reading about mediastinal nodes and why there might be tumours at the mediasternum region, one of the possible causes quoted was possibly exposure during xrays and radiation therapy. I was also in October 2007 experiencing an extended bout of colds and chest infection, and that could also be a reason. In any case, it was not something that I had wished to see on my report but since it is there, the information is helpful so that I can be on the lookout for any chest discomforts or problems that could arise.

For now, I am thankful that my Onco did not press me further, and I hope he respects my desire to manage my health on a more holistic level. He did not seem interested to know about the rash on my left foot, which is fine by me even though I told him that while waiting for my turn I met 2 other ladies who had similar ( and worse problems) with their rash. I shared with him that I am not into alternative therapies, if that is what he is concerned about. I consider myself a follower of conventional (allopathic) medicine where it matters, and would complement that with a healthy approach to living which I should not pause for even a minute. I have faith in the approach I had taken with the team of doctors, and I now have faith in the lifestyle I am keeping for a more wholesome approach - a healthy living full of gratitude to the Almighty for the simple pleasures that life can bring, with a much lesser focus on material wellbeing ( it has never been that important to me but I admit I was surrounded by such people earlier and I am managing that now so that they bear less of me).

While family and friendships are managed more wisely now so that I have more of my own "me" time, my health and spiritual commitment take priority. I start the day being grateful to Allah for all his blessings to me and family and spend quiet early moments on the sejadah, thankful to be alive. Yes, there are twitches and pains in the body which beg to be noticed, but I got used to them. Besides, show me a 50 something who doesn't have an ache in their body and I will show you a golden liar! After subuh ( done at leisure and not rushed through like those days of yore!), it will be me and my carafe of filtered water - 4 glasses, before I even greet my babies! I have been practicing this since treatment time. It is much easier now compared to those days when even plain water tasted yucky and metallic.

Then a good 45 minutes of pottering about the house and bond with my babies - Troy might be in his basket, Ashley atop a shelf or cupboard- she likes the view from the top, and Putri might be on my cosy armchair in front of the TV. Bouncer and Blackie sleep outside in the patio,so they would be pawing on the glassdoor asking to be let in. By this time I would be ready to have a light breakfast of warm water, then juice or jamu (kunyit assam with a dash of lime, either freshly made or 2day old boiled version) and wholewheat slices with Marmite for taste ( a bit salty but rich with Vitamins B) and a plateful of fruits-of-the-day. Centrum multivitmins follow. I do not put salt in my cooking if I have Marmite for breakfast. Marmite is soul food for me, reminds me of early childhood when my Mum had to coax us to take it. I took Marmite during my England student days, only to relieve the homesickness I felt every now and then. It has now become an acquired taste.

About an hour after breakfast, I walk to the nearby Park-cum-Playground to practice my Guolin Qigong walk. That takes an hour , inclusive of closing-rest session. Qigong must not be practised on an empty stomach and has to be at least 30 minutes after a light meal or 2 hours after a heavy one. By the time I get home, I will be ready to face the day, after a good shower to rinse off the sweat that would have pricked my skin and poured out in rivulets. My hair would be wet after the exercise as though I had just been in the rain. I would feel really good. It could be the health benefit of the exercise which is supposed to open up all the "chi" pathways and clear all blockages so that blood could circulate more pronouncedly, and so will internal energy that is so essential for strength and immunity. I imagine that my Qigong buddies must feel really exceptionally good as they have been practising this for the last 12, 10, 9, 8, 6, 5 etc years! I have just started and already I can feel the difference. Maybe it is psychological, and if so, so be it. After all, isn't the mind and body part of our existence so why shouldn't they complement and supplement one or the other?

I do some work after my shower and will plan a healthful lunch-again within the parameters of what I should be eating that will be good for my recovery. Lots of wholefoods ( wholewheat capati, brown rice, wholewheat bihun or pasta), lots of green and colourful vegetables and ulam2, lots of lentil and dhall dishes. I go easy on fish and meat as I get my proteins from the lentils. Look at the cows and elephants who are vegetarians, they are doing fine. So are my Indian friends who are vegetarians - at most they take eggs and ghee, and they glow with health! Dinner is the same. I do not let up on this and can be very strict on myself . Just the thought of another needle prick to feed FEC into my collapsed veins and the ensuing nausea is enough to make me take just a teeny weeny spoonful of a sinful tiramisu or any dairy-laden dessert.

For treats, I make my own wholewheat scones with cranberries, pengat pisang or nangka with low sugar and low-cholestrol santan and will try different fruits daily for balance, as well as not to be too reliant on any one type of fruit or food. Too much of anything, even a good thing can be bad or toxic for us. I have been experiementing on different types of "survivor" recipes, which is a lot of fun by the way, and have in the process discovered a lot of healthy recipes from others as well. Who says eating for health is boring....it is just a small departure from that menu of sambal tempoyak and belacan , with side dishes of ikan kering goreng and daging salai masak lemak with rendang itek, and.....someone stop me! In any case, that small departure opens up an opportunity to leap up really high to a different level of living, more naturally and healthily.

I seldom eat out these days, and if I do it is probably at an Indian restaurant as there is alway Capati and vegetarian dishes to fall back on. And for days that I am fasting (Mondays and Thursdays), I go for walks just before iftar (buka) so that even if I get dehydrated, I could very soon replenish my fluid loss at buka puasa time.

In between I try to remain positive, see the lighter side of things and warn my close friends that I will really hit them hard if they come to me whining about things without seeing both sides of the coin. I am not perfect and I am not 100% healthy but as much as I can, I will try to be good to myself and my body, even if it is 0.000001% good that I can do daily, it will still add up and be better than not doing anything at all.

Insya Allah, I hope the next follow up visit will be painless as well and that my doctors will be able to see things from my point of view. I may not be a doctor, but I am the (temporary ) owner of this body which God had loaned to me, and yes, I do want to take very good care of it, just as much as they would like me to. Next month, Insya Allah, I am due for my annual mammogram ( doctor says I can do it in May together with the next follow up) and I pray that will be good news . The affected breast is still too tender to subject it to the procedure. It itches sometimes but it is an internal itch so it could be the old surgical scar within still mending as recovery was halted during the radiotherapy. I read somewhere that a herb called "Pecah Beling" has been researched and that it may be good for cancers, including breast cancer. Apparently this herb is commonly found in belukars and roadsides and can be mashed up for external applications, and can even be drank as a tea. The question I have is, if it so good and has been researched, how come no one is farming it commercially as they do for the other herbs (misai kucing, etc).

Hmmm...need to find out more. If it is really true, the roads in my housing area is lined with small belukars which are home to an abundant growth of what looks kike Pecah Beling or Bayam Karang. I wonder if it can be taken as Ulam or added to Nasi Kerabu, survivor style?

PPParty

2008-02-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

Golden Jamu , Golden Ngaku Chips and loads of mandarins(above)

It was a gathering of 12 on the night of Yan Yat (everybody's birthday, on the 7th day of the Chinese Lunar New Year of the Rat) at chez moi. We called it a PPP - no, it's not another political party trying their luck on March 8. It was a simple "do" by and for 12 hungry people - hungry for Yee Sang! As planned, everyone turned up with a cooked dish each, an auspicious dish to mark that evening of "Potluck Prosperity Party" - a joint Yee Sang cum Valentine's eve party!

I have never hosted a potluck dinner before. It had seemed appropriate for this occasion though, as it would be mean of me to prepare dishes that only I am accustomed to...low salt, no msg, low sugar and fat! So I thought it would be most appropriate to have my guests bring in a dish of their choice, to symbolise their expectation for the coming year. As hostess, I had organised the drinks - a choice of teas and Jamu ( which, much to my relief, was enjoyed by all), dessert and of course, the XL Yee Sang, which I had ordered from a seafood restaurant nearby. The Manager was kind enough to pack it on their large platter ( the one at home was not big enough!) and for a Rm 30 deposit, told me I can keep it for as long as I want and will refund my money anytime I choose to return it.

To cater for friends who have a good way to travel after work that day, we fixed the "loh-sang" for 9 pm( so that we can get Maghrib and Isya done). All but one made it on time, and my friend S said to go ahead if she was held up ( which was exacly what happened actually, as she turned up at half-past 9 while we were in the midst of "loh-sanging".

I have never seen soooooooo much food in my life! Each guest must have brought food for 12 as all of a sudden my dining table looked so tiny and fragile, when laden by all the dishes each one brought. 11 guests, each bringing enough food to feed 11, so we had food for at least 100 people that night, except there were only 12 of us! In the excitement, even though I had my camera and video cam ready, we forgot to capture images of the interesting dishes! It was only after we had "attacked" the food that I remembered...ti was too late as the Yee Sang platter was wiped clean by then. Luckily though, my maid managed to use my videocam to capture us while we were tossing the Yee Sang, so at least that would be fun to watch one fine day. We managed a group pose before everyone left after midnight, on mobiles and my trusty antique digital.

It was lovely meeting up and catching up over something like this - it seemed everyone was talking at the same time and no one was listening, yet we were updated with the latest, if not, worthwhile news of one another. I am glad that such a short-planned event turned out quite well. There is so much to be said about the power and value of friends to make an otherwise dull evening really interesting.

As for the dishes...let's see. N brought Laksa Lemak in 2 versions - Mee kuning and Bihun. Must have noodles, maa, for longevity. She brought enough to feed the Army and Navy. J brought a whole deepfried Siakap, beautifully garnished in colourful herbs and bathed in sweet sour sauce. Fish for prosperity they say...She also brought lovely kueh talam ubi, golden base topped with a creamy santan top...yummy...very compatible with my current interest in ubi kayu! UR brought a giant platter of Chinese style mixed vegetable generously garnished with fish cakes and mushrooms. MC had 2 huge containers - each one full of really authentic chinese dishes - suhun noodles fried with loads of vegetables and garnished with prawns (oh, oh ) and abalone( double oh, oh) and I think some scallops as well. The other container contained mixed vegetables as well - a treasure trove of goodness - dark green vegetables and colourful carrots, broccolli and cauliflower. UZ sort of went "off-spec" - she was working late and brought 2 versions of Capatti ( whole wheat of course), Channa massala, and a lovely brinjal curry - and me thinks she did not whip these up herself but whipped them from Ludianna Station in Bangsar! And of course lovely valentine cupcakes, in pastels. SZ brought also a colorful mixed vegetable, including the purple cabbage. The thing about not having photos of what everyone brought is that it's hardly a week and I have almost forgotten! Let's see - AA brought a containerful of cooked PRAWNS - and she said I made her go to the market ( not something she does normally). The idea is to add the prawns to the salmon and jellyfish , to be tossed with the rest of the Yee Sang! SM brought her favourite snack of richly stuffed tofu - many, many pieces of those too. S who was late brought kueh bangkit, pistachios, and nuts. RJ actually cooked a very nice cicken and carrot stir-fry, ala "Wok with Yan". it was delicious although I could only take a few pieces - pantang! Just as I had to scan around for prawns and seafood to avoid, chicken is still on my forbidden list unless it is Ayam kampung, and from my own kampung too!

To add to what my guests brought, I managed the desserts - all supposedly to be healthful. It is so easy in moments of fun like that to forget that I do have to be careful of what I pop into my mouth. So desserts were fresh fruits (melons, mandarins, dragon fruits) and Pengat Pisang and Sago - all organic. Of course the titbits - Ngaku or Arrow Root chips were home made too. I don't think my maid can see another Ngaku without a chill in her stomach as I made her fry all the 10 kgs of fresh Ngaku that SHE INSISTED we should buy .

Lots of exchanges and wet gums and bare teeth later, friendships were made - new ones forged and old ones tested and strengthened ( I think). My neighbours must be wondering at the noise we made and the ghostly laughter that rang out in the middle of the night ( last guest left after 1am). Our conversations ranged from food, health and of course the upcoming election. Politicians were not spared, and that night some of them were discussed just so that we all can have a good laugh.....

Here's to a smooth general election and that at this time next month, we will all be laughing again, for joy, that whoever that will be entrusted with our future in this country will do a good job....they ought to....they need to. It is the people's amanah. Even if it is just a tiny X on a piece of paper.

GONG XI FA CAI...!

2008-02-06T02:12:00.000-08:00

Today's posting is neither about Cats nor about Cancer.....It's that time of the year yet again when everyone in town seems to be running around "like chickens with their heads cut off" some say, or like "lipas kudung" others say. I have not seen either of these two "performances" and yet I can grab more than a gist of their meaning. Throngs at supermarkets and florists flourish with orders of giant bouquets and festive floral hampers. People zoom about from car to store, from store to car and traffic abounds.

Even today on the eve, everywhere I went to earlier today there were crowds of people doing last minute shopping to prepare for the Big Reunion Dinner tonight, and to welcome yet another new year, which is Year Of the Rat ( which in fact is the first of the 12 animal years in the Chinese Zodiac). Like everyone else in Malaysia, I celebrate all the festivities, and Chinese New Year is a favourite because it means Yee Sang time! And I love the arrow roots that are really on offer this year ( at Rm 1.48 a kg in Tesco Melaka when BV Grocers tagged theirs at RM 5.99!!Same quality too). My helper loves to munch so I got kilos which she happily turned to crispy chips which I sneaked to snack on sometimes. They are ever so tasty, no salt needed, just grate them with the salad slicer straight into the kuali of hot oil ( VCO, of course) and wait for it to turn golden. For every kilo she fried, I think Wik popped and munched her way through half a kilo. I don't blame her.

It used to be we had to wait for the 7th day to be able to get Yee Sang anywhere, and the anticipation was part of the fun. Nowadays, you can even get pre-packed Yee Sang way before the new year begins, so it has lost a wee bit, not much, of it's lustre for me. I remember times when my buddies and I would form a Yee Sang group, and it would be Yee Sang at lunch, and then dinner until it is no longer served by the restaurants . Why, we would even tau-pau some ( my favourite is from Lake Club) home so we can start the meals at home tossing the rainbow coloured assortment of vegetables. I have a small Chinese dinner service for this occasions.

This year will be no different, and already we are thinking of having a pot luck Prosperi-Tea over the Chinese New Year break, with those participating bringing their own version and concoction of auspicious dishes. The challenge for me will be to make sure that whatever I come up with is consistent with my dietary requirements - and for that I will probably volunteer to do the Yee Sang - all raw vegetables except for the few bits of preserved nutmeg, ginger and of course the slices of raw fish. Hmm....the sesame oil can even be enriched further with VCO, by fermentation method, if I could get that right! We'll see.

If my 11 year old niece is here, it would be a more meaningful start to the new Rat Year. She was born in the year of the Rat and I have just received news that she has just been accepted to Sevenoaks Prep School after completing her 11plus exams. Her dream of wanting to go to boarding school has materialised, and she is thrilled to bits, so is her Mum who happens to receive the news today, on her birthday! I am so happy for Jannah, as boarding school life has it's own merits even though one has to be away from home. So, it will be a good start for her to start boarding life in a Rat Year, the year she was born. It will be a conversation piece(for her!).

I can count on her to elaborate to her schoolmates about the Chinese Zodiac!

For the rest of us, different forecasters say different things about what will be in The Year Of the Rat. I read them for fun and feel quite tickled to read how some reports contradict. One report may say it is a good year for say rats, dog, sheep etc while another may spell out just the opposite. Read horoscopes with a pinch of salt, that's what we do and laugh at the inconsistencies. The Almighty determines what is in store for us and we strive to meet our destiny, and accept that for each of us there is already a plan, a Master plan.

Horrorscopes aside, here's wishing everyone a prosperous and bountiful new year. May you be blessed with better health, more wealth and happiness, and may God bless all you, your family and all your undertakings....

Allah Knows Best

2008-02-04T05:48:00.000-08:00

(The view across our kampung house many years ago is as green and serene as this. With development, it is no more although it is good that the sawah has been converted to cash- converting banana and mango orchards by the landowners instead of leaving the sawah fallow for ever. Now, we have to go to Langkawi, Kedah or Bali to soothe our souls with such picturesque calm....the above is Ubud, August 2007. A treat to self, sis , niece and brother after my 6th and final chemo. Had a whale of a time ( or rather "a dolphin of a time" ) as we went to swim with the dolphins there..... !

I came across a poem many, many years ago ( author unknown). I thought it was quite meaningful and had printed a copy to place in a Scrapbook File. I came across it recently while spring cleaning my filing cabinet in kampung. I re-read it again, and again, From my current perspective, I had re-affirmed to myself that it is a poem worth keeping for reference now and again. It is not Wordsworth or Shakespeare, but it is more relevant to me than any of of Wordsworth or Shakespeare's work.....at this point in time. (I love both Williams though!)

Here's the poem: It is called " God Knows Best" - author unknown, and I seek his/her indulgence to let me call it "Allah Knows Best" as it applies to me...

ALLAH KNOWS BEST

Allah knows what's best for us

so why should we complain

we always want sunshine

but Allah knows there must be rain

We always want laughter

and the merriment of cheer

but our heart will lose their tenderness

if we never shed a tear

Allah tests us often

with suffering or with sorrow

Allah tests us not to punish us

but to help us meet tomorrow

For growing trees are srtengthened

if they can withstand the storm

and the sharpness of the chisel

gave the marble it's grace and form

Allah tests us often

and for every pain Allah gives us

provided we are patient

is followed by some gain

So remember whenever we feel that

everything is going wrong

It is just Allah's way

to make the spirit strong.

-unknown author-

Insya Allah....

About Cik Siti

2008-02-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

It's 2nd February 2008 and I am still in the kampung, and really enjoying it here. So do my babies - they love the space and the loads of company in the form of birds, squirrels ( or are they shrews), roosters, not to mention all kinds of insects and passing cows sometimes! Ashely dragged in a protesting bird one day and I was so happy that after a few rounds of pouncing and pawing by Ashely, the poor little bird managed to escape! Ashely was probaly distracted as I kept screaming "No, Ashley...no, no, let birdie go. No, No, naughty Ashley!" over and over again!

I really need to get off my butt and drive back to KL with my entourage. I need to fix a follow up appointment with my Surgeon and Oncologist for the 3 monthly checks ( and imaging ) since the last visit was in late October!

Yesterday on City Day, a pathetic looking but very pregnant cat appeared from nowhere. She is clean but scrawny , as though she hasn't eaten for days, maybe weeks. We reckoned that she was abandoned in our vicinity when the previous owner discovered she is going to have kittens and did not want to be bothered by that. People here know that we take to cats.

So instead of packing up to go back to KL we stayed behind and tried to ask around if the cat belongs to anyone nearby, if it is lost. No one claimed ownership, so the least we could do is make it feel welcomed, especially in her condition. If she is still around by the time she is due to have her litter, she will find that we have left some boxes in strategic places around the compound as she will need a hide-away to deliver in peace. I will likely be in KL by then as I do need to be in KL before the Chinese New Year.

After providing a sanctuary of sorts to over 20 cats in the past ( some died, others catnapped) with 10 actively living withing our compound, we have run out of names. We toyed with the idea of calling her Li-Po 2 in memory of our dear Li-Po who must have been catnapped more than a month ago, but the reminder is too painful, and also, what if Li-Po comes back? She wouldn't be too happy to share her name! So, we settled on Cik Siti as she dropped in on February 1 which happens to be City Day. Soon, we will have to crack our heads for the litter that will be emerging from her very, very tight, almost bursting belly!

I have been spending time experimenting with a lot of local recipes using the rich variety of local produce, plants and herbs that I chanced upon at the Pasar Tani and Pasar Malam around here, and delighting at the results. The weather is unpredictable, hot and sunny one day and pleasantly mild and windy the next, so activities are based on the weather.

After reading so much about VCO (Virgin Coconut Oil), I realised that it is a wonderful local alternative to EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil), based on the health benefits it offers ( a rich source of MCFA - Medium Chain Fatty Acids is one). How interesting that coconut oil has gone one full circle - from good press (pun intended) during my great- granny's time when we process our own home grown Minyak Kelapa, also used as Minak Kepala then - to bad press by the western producers of alternative oils (soya, corn) during which I was also a believer that it was as good as poison - to the recent incredibly good press about how healthful it is.

VCO is exactly the Minyak Kelapa that a lot of people in their 50's and 6o's would be familiar with during their childhood, together with Minyak Kacang and Mazola. I was so excited to realise that I could easily produce some VCO myself - that way I can vouch for it's authenticity, that it is freshly produced from fresh coconuts from our very own organically grown coconut trees, and that it is hygienically prepared and absolutely no additives or preservatives added. 10 coconuts presented me with just about a litre of VCO, and I find it easier to take it by the tablespoon daily as recommended as a health "tonic" to help with immunity. It tastes nicer than EVOO, although I have yet to try it with freshly baked wholewheat bread the way you do with really good EVOO.

And the residue from the preparation is something else. I remember it beng called "Tahi Minyak" - it is the same stuff you find sprinkled on Kueh Kole Kacang. It is supposed to be rich in proteins. And lovely to be used in Sambal Tumis Goreng, which I have yet to try out with the Tahi Minyak we are left with after processing my first litre of VCO. So, that might be something I will experiment with in the next day or two while in Melaka!

On a Trip with My Babies...

2008-01-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

"Please change the mew-sic, Mama Mi...."
"Yeah...Gamelan, Gamelan, Gamelan....we are tired of Gamelan"
"Yeah....we want "Buddha Bar Chill Out in Paris", please, please!"
"Yeah, that is real chill-out mew-sic. You drive, we chill out....okay?"
"Yeah, wake us up when we get there....can't wait to get into a brawl with Jebat, although we heard he is full of battle scars after squaring it out with the big, nasty, yellow cat that springs up from nowhere."
"I can't wait to check out the trees for bird nests and if we are lucky, squirrels too"
"Yeah, KL is soooooo bor-ring!. The only "nature" sounds we hear is when you turn on the mood mew-sic on your hi-fi - waterfalls, chirping birds and the pitter patter of rainfall on the awnings!"
"Yeah, we are country cats at heart now, after you left us in kampung for 6 months during your chemo...you can't expect us to transform back to be city cats in blinking second.."
"And best of all, we won't have to be cooped up in a cage no more...we are free, free, free..."
"Hurray..."

Mama Mi: "Okay, okay, cut it out - stop the bawling and yowling. I will put on Buddha Bar and promise you guys stay quiet in your travel cage back there while I concentrate on the driving. My arm is already numb and we are not even halfway there yet....."

Alhamdullilah, we made in to kampung to see my Dad again and to see what's happening at home. One of our cats in kampung, lovely Li-Po has been missing for 2 weeks, and me thinks she has been cat-napped. Li-Po is Jannah's cat, and I have not broken the news to her yet, as she is currently busy with her 11+exams in London, and her Mum (my sister) is the nervous one. I have strict instructions to feed Li-Po only "Cod Fish, aunty, it is a tasty fish" to which I replied, "Cod Liver Oil more like it ! ". I miss Li-Po and I know Jannah will be heart-broken when she finds out when they come over for the summer holidays in July/August. Hopefully, Li-Po will find her way home. So far however, our missing cats ave not returned. In the last 2 years or so, we think the following have been cat-napped because they are so cute and "jinak" - Wira Superboy, Kuning Longtail (my late Mum's), Cat, Tiger, and now Li-Po. I hope she has not been catnapped in the hope of using her as a breeder, as she has been spayed. Whatever, I hope she is well and her new owner will love and care for her like we did, and like we did, have meaningful conversations with her every now and then. You see, Li-Po loves to chat - with purrings and growls of course, much better than the "catty" conversations that we can sometimes find ourselves in with some human beings!

More on the trip. My babies can't wait to leap and roam once we reached kampung. They went about sniffing certain spots as if trying to recall where they last lingered or napped. They love being in kampung as the chances of having rice and tuna is much higher, whereas KL means dry and canned food. Troy ( who is the size of a little dog now) panted real hard after a few laps around the compound, his tongue pink and hanging out. I thought he might pass out, but thankfully did not.

My dad is in a good mood, and that is really nice. We had his favourite thosai and lamb curry for lunch when we visited and he was so energetic and wanted to go shopping! We went to Guardian at Tesco's as he wanted to buy this new product that uses far infra red to help in blood circulation, as advertised in the papers. We found it and he said it really helps - it is a pair of slip on knee supports that one puts on. He really impressed the pharmacist at Guardian when he got up from his wheelchair once he has put it on! They thought he is immobilised at first. The wheelchair we had borrowed from Tesco as I had thought that we might have to cover the lenght and breadth of the Tesco complex in Melaka in order to find the product. He was so pleased that we were able to get the product without having to hunt for it too much.

We wheeled him around for grocery shopping, after which he wanted to belanja us coffee at Kluang Station Kopitiam near the Tesco exit. I was really drooling watching him, Ijan my brother and Vik my maid enjoying a hot cuppa of Kopi Panas and a piece of Roti Bakar each. He reminded me to get married (?????) so that the next time I am sick, there will be someone to take care of me, and that Ijan should also get a wife for the same reason. Well.......I know of cases where it is the spouse that is making the partner sick, so what gives? I think my father was so relieved to see me "okay" with hair "intact' and all that, so much so that he becomes ultra-optimistic!

Will be in kampung for a few more days...I feel much contented here and there's quite a bit to do. And me oh my, in kampung my creative juices really flow when it comes to penning in my journal and also when dabbling in the kitchen. Loads of new recipes to test out and old recipes to modify to "Survivor Style". And I love shopping at the Pasar Tani and Night Markets here - plenty of home grown food not using chemical but "natural" fertilisers. And the fish...lots of variety and really fresh...like being able to buy them just a few hours of being unloaded from the boat of the fishermen. How much fresher can it be?

Hmmm, it is always the same case. Each time I start out to go back to kampung, I tell myself and my friends that I will be back in a few days, and almost always it is the same old story..I end up staying a couple of weeks! That is exactly why I can't commit to a full time and fixed-station job at this time, I want to go with the flow and just be. And for that, a home-based vocation is best.

And my babies, syukur Alhamdullillah they are so, so adaptable. And I love them to bits. And I pray and hope no one will catnap them ever. I will go bonkers. I feel so sorry for Nini (Sharliene, 5 yrs who has been missing since Wednesday 9th Jan, 2008) and her parents, and I hope dear God will take care of her and her abductors, and that they will send her back home soon. Losing a cat is bad enough ( Troy and Putri were missing for 17 days in 2006 and I was upside-down for 17 days as well - will post about this one day) but losing and missing a 5-year old child that one has loved, cherished and cared for , for 6 years (inclusive of the 9 months in the womb) must be extremely painful that I can't even begin to imagine. Ya Allah, kasihan lah kepada hamba Mu yang lemah dan tolong kembalikan Nini kepada keluarga nya. Semoga mereka( dan keluarga lain) mendapat pengajaran daripada pengalaman ini dan akan mengawal anak-anak mereka dengan lebih prihatin lagi. Ameen.

Teh Tarik On Hold

2008-01-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am really a rice and gulai kind of gal, the more "*desa" inspired are the dishes, the more turned on I am by them. But we know what it is like when there's rice...you need a main dish, perhaps a gulai asam pedas or cili padi ( fish or meat), then a sayur dish(maybe kerabu pucuk paku to which you would add pounded dried shrimps for that ooomph or lemak labu), then maybe ikan masin goreng or telur masin rebus, what about ulam-ulam(tenggek burung, bebuas, pegaga, fresh petai, pucuk betik, pucuk ubi), it of course will not be complete without sambal ( belacan or kelapa or tempoyak). And won't it be nice to have that fresh ikan pari that was just hauled off the Straits of Melaka grilled to perfection - cooked crispy on the skin but still moist and tender when you dig under? And who says you have to stop after satu pinggan of rice? It is always polite and customary to "tambah"....and I am very, very polite when it comes to food and eating.

So, after a lot of psyching, tossing and turning, about the changes I need to make to my dietary habits now that I have to "pantang" a few things for a couple of years until my immune system is boosted, I realised that the new "diet-style" is not that bad after all. In the bigger scheme of things they are but minor sacrifices to help myself feel and turn out "good".
All I need to do is eliminate FOR NOW (only) some food items that might sabotage my journey to wellness, change my eating habits (less eating out and be more discriminating about what I order when I do, and most important of all, make some revisions on how my food is being prepared when eating at home.

So as not to have my body feel as though it is being punished, I give myself little exceptions once in a while - like eating out only on Sundays (maybe breakfast at Nirvana or Marmalade) with friends after a good morning walk. Even then it will be thosai and dhall, and plain tea. No roti canai as the Ayur doctor says I should avoid refined white flour( I am already scheming now on how to make my own whole wheat -atta- roti canai if ever I need to succumb to a craving!). No slurpy and frothy teh tarik as I will be driven to wheezing and a semput so serious that it is not worth the Rm 1.20 if I have to be carted off to the ER of Pantai in a RM 400 ambulance.

But as they say, everything in moderation and never, ever feel deprived. There are always alternatives. We just need to be a little creative. So if I have to pantang my favourite beverage of coffee ( in it's many commercial forms) and teh tarik, there is always Ragi Malt which I discovered by chance through the internet. It is nice, and very, very nutritious. I was looking up what Ragi is in Google when I was recently introduced to Ragi Flour, Ragi Puttu, and Ragi Bihun which I have been using in my cooking. No one is able to tell me what Ragi is in English and you don't see it sold anywhere else except in Brickfields. I found out it is "Finger Millet", highly nutritious as it is always milled whole. The grains are tiny like mustard seeds. The taste is rich and nutty. I just loved it and have used it in various ways to cook, whenever I run out of ideas for complementing my rice dishes , with so many pantangs right now.

Ragi Malt is just like Horlicks, and is usually prepared with milk and brown sugar. As I am allergic to milk now, I just used water, boiling it with the ragi flour and adding Manuka honey just before drinking it. I may add a small dose of expresso in future if the craving for coffee hits, and I am sure it will tast as good as conventional cappucino.

It is very exciting, this experimenting with alternative styles of cooking and eating. Had it not been for BC, I would probably not be motivated to try out these new, healthier alternatives. I would not have discovered Sitharam's or Malliga's even though I pass that way countless times whenever I need to go to KL Sentral. So, it has been very enriching and it has really tested and stretched my creativity in the kitchen (usually guided and limited to what is found in cookbooks and what has been handed-down by my mum). I treasure the "hand-me-down" recipes from the family because they are unique and not usually found in cookbooks, and the beauty ( or is it pity?) of it all is they survive even though these hasn't really been formally recorded anywhere .
How does one capture a pinch of this and a handful of that and "sa-cukup rasa"? In any case, now that I have to, even those hand-me down recipes can be creatively modified now to suit my situation.

For Awal Muharam, to celebrate the new year I invited some friends over for tea. My friends know that I am an all-rounder when it comes to food - I am both a goreng pisang and cekodok fan as much as I am a cream tea complete with scones and clotted cream fan. So they did not really know what to expect now that I have so many pantangs, and offered to bring food that they think I can eat. I told them that the idea is for me to "jamu" them for all of their help in the past year and not the other way round. My only request to them is to bear with what I will be serving as Iam keen to introduce them to my alternative and healthier way of preparing my favourite eats. That way they will also know what I had to give up in order to build up my strength and immunity.

I cooked for 10. I was surprised that I had the energy to see through all of the cooking, and later entertaining. Of course the maid helped in the preparation of the ingredients after I showed her how. After much thought and a flurry of activities, we managed to put on the table the following goodies when the guests arrived at 4.30 - Nasi Kunyit with Organic Chicken Curry with potatoes, carrot and tomatoes; Nasi Kerabu ( 15 herbs - most home grown, serunding kelapa and serbuk ikan bilis and not ikan masin) with Sayur Asem ( Javanese dish, my maid's specialty, very nutritious with lots of vegetables); Bubur Hijau-Merah ( my creation - couldn't decide between bubur kacang hijau or bubur kacang merah, so mixed them both and it worked, very sedap!); Ubi Kayu Rebus (served steaming hot with grated fresh coconut and shredded gula melaka - very popular as the last time most had this was probably when they were teenagers!); and the piece de resistance - Wholegrain Cranberry Scones ( made with olive butter, raw sugar and grainy wholewheat flour) served with a choice of olive and real butter for the purists among my friends, with strawberry jam of course. And pink Dragon Fruit to clean the palate while sipping sen-cha (green tea). Yes, that was very brave of me not to offer coffee as at least 2 of my guests are coffee lovers and will always have their brew to make their meal complete. Quite a colourful meal.

It was a success, everyone enjoyed the food and I enjoyed watching them enjoy the food. The Ubi Rebus was a clear winner, it was so simple yet so good. I was overjoyed because I wasn't sure if they would miss the usual cake-house fare that one normally puts out with lots of pretty cupcakes and pastries and fried stuff. My guests left with a little gift I had wrapped nicely for them, a 7-Day Pillbox that they would find handy to take their supplements along when they travel. That too, is very colourful, each 3-compartment daily sub-containers in different colours. The whole thing is about the size of a 250 gram Cadbury bar, which was what I had originally planned to give but thought that the pillbox would be more useful.

A number of the dishes that day was experimental for me, and I will post them in my http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/ blog so I won't forget and in case anyone else is curious to try.
The recipe for the scones is not from Nigella Lawson's or Betty Crocker's or Martha Stewart's. I have this favourite recipe for scones that I got from a tea towel I picked up while visiting Scotland many(20?) years ago. I just needed to modify it a bit to accomodate my present dietary requirements, and it worked fine. I am in the process of experimenting with wholewheat roti canai and buckwheat mee mamak - cuz I do miss my mamak food so!

Note:* I was going to write "Kampung" inspired dishes but chose to use "Desa" instead. I get a trifle annoyed when the word "kampung" had been used in a degratory sense by some ignorant people who probably had not met really nice kampung folks who do not deserved to be insulted by associating the word "kampung" with anything that is less than "cool". I need to get this off my chest and will post an entry soon in my http://lifematters2me.blogspot.com/ blog . Grrrr....

Suspicious Minds....

2008-01-12T23:19:00.000-08:00

Only those who have been afflicted by Breast Cancer(BC) will understand another's worry and concern over an unexplained twitch, throbbing or pain in any part of the body. For the lucky ones who are uninitiated to the trials and tribulations faced by BC survivors, it is so easy to dismiss such articulated concerns as simple "paranoia", sometimes even your own doctors may think so.

But the fact is, while trying to be positive and striving to lead a healthier lifestyle, BC survivors will always have a deep-seated fear that the BC might come back, much dreaded and much unwelcome. While pushing these fears as far back as one could into the recesses of one's mind, one would keep praying to the Almighty for the strength to manage whatever has been planned for us. Knowing that after trying our best, only the Almighty knows what is best for us.
And for us to be redha.

Everytime when I hear of a BC survivor friend going through deep anxities, I feel deeply for them. I can appreciate the need to listen to our bodies, what the body is trying to tell us and taking action accrodingly, no matter how trivial or petty it may seem to others. It is okay to always have a suspicious mind and try to investigate what is causing the pain, the twitching and the throbbing. Was it something we ate , or did we knock into something that might have caused muscular injury, and hence pain, or perhaps too much inactivity that might have affected our circulation and nerves?

As yet I cannot claim to be free of BC, it is too soon. I will need to cross the 5 year mark to even consider myself partially clean. The first 3 years are critical. I have just crossed the 1st year threshold on January 8, on which date in 2007 I had my first encounter with my Breast Surgeon, during which a tissue sample highlighted potential malignancy. My toes still curl recalling that moment. And since that day and the surgery that follows, my body has had it's fair share of twitches, aches and pains. And tedious though it is, I have always "painstakingly" tried to account for the reasons for those aches and pains.

During those self inspection and investigation, I learnt that my body can no longer handle milk or milk products - I wheeze and go really "semput". So no quick cup of cappucino or an ice cream cone to manage a hot, humid afternoon. Once I had to rest for an hour in Borders after a much missed cup of Latte because during my book browsing trip, I just couldn't breathe 2 hours later. I almost checked myself into a hospital. What helped was some abdominal breathing and sitting quietly wth my eyes closed. The staff attending the stationery section would still remember me, I think, because I really gave her such a fright! She thought she might have to call an ambulance!

And just like everyone else tells me ( not doctors, as doctors don't believe in "pantang" ) while I am still on the mend ( since I had 2 surgeries done on the same breast in January and March 2008) internally as the internal scars still feel lumpy even though the dreaded lump was removed, I must avoid seafood and belacan. All "gatal" and inflamatory foods. Just to be sure, I foolishly tested the friendly advice, and confirmed that for me, seafood and all "gatal" stuff must be avoided for now. I had lovely big prawns (masak cili api no less with daun kunyit) and sure enough my affected breast and armpit where the scars were, itched like mad. And burning, really burning. I have banned seafood from my kitchen so my poor helper can only have the stuff if we eat out. At least for a year or two.

At this point, I think I have "accounted" for a few of the pains and twitches but there are still some which are unaccounted. I know my body is trying to tell me something and because the pains and twitches are still manageable and not in anyway limiting my daily activities, I am still "investigating" them. Although at my next follow up visit to my Oncologist and Surgeon, I will certainly raise them and see what they have to say.

Today, here is a list of unexplained twitches and pains in my body. Some come and go, while some linger then go, and yet some just linger, but only God knows why. Do I worry about them, yes, but I will continue to live as healthy a life as I can and pray to God that my body will have the needed strength to overcome. Insya Allah.

From head to toe, here's a list of "notable" but unexplained twitches and pains:
1. Slight twitching on the right side of the head (inside). I imagine this to be in the skull lining and could be due to a build up of lympathic fluid. 21 of my axillary lymph nodes were removed during surgery and this is affecting the lymphatic circulation in my left shoulder, arm , neck, and possibly head as well. A gentle rubdown sometimes help, and I really hope that is all there is to it.

2. Tightness and sharp shooting twitches ( not very painful more like shocks) along my left arm and pectoral muscles. I do arm exercises everyday after morning walks to help with the lymphatic flow and to avoild fluid build-up that may cause lymphedema.

3. Wheezing whenever I take milk and milk products. I also get lots of phlegm when this happens . I was never allergic to milk before, and used to make coffee or hot chocolate by warming milk and putting coffee or cocoa into a mug of hot milk and was perfectly alright.

4. My left breast still feels lumpy and twitches and itches at times. I cannot lie flat on my tummy without it hurting, and I have to be ever so careful not to bang myself around corners full frontal. It might kill me. I can't imagine how I am going to undergo the follow up mammogram that my doctor has scheduled for end of January 2008. To think that I have to place my breast within the 2 plates when it is still mending. I may have to ask for a deferral or just an ultrasound test if the doctor insists to see what's inside.

5. My abdomen (left side) gives sharp shooting pains sometimes, and gives squelching sounds if I try to distend or contract it. It could be acid in the stomach but it is very different from the gastric pains I had during chemo.

6. Throbbing aches and pains in my left pelvis sometimes. Comes and goes. Could be due to my sitting or sleeping position.

7. Sharp pains in my knee joints. It is less intense now compared to the excruciating pains I used to endure for a few months following chemo. The Qigong books I read recommend gentle rubbing ( circular motions) for 100 times for any aching spots in the body. Sometimes it works . It is probably circulation and the accumulated toxins that I need to disperse. Have to keep on rubbing the front and back of my knees when the pain shows up. Qigong always advocate gentle things that we need to do to ourselves in order to heal. I used to urut and "picit-picit" really hard whenever I have those aches and pains. No wonder it got worst.

8. Pains in my heels and unexplained soreness (no cuts, bruise or bumps) at the back of my right heel. Rubbing pounded ginger helps though a very messy process.

I hope the list gets shorter in due course and that soon I will be able to identify what is causing them so that I can avoid the causes.

I would like to imagine that they are all signs of growing "ma-tua" gracefully. I hope that is all there is to it. But once a BC survivor, I can't help being suspicious. I will continue to hope and pray for the best, expect the worst and accept what comes. God knows I am doing my best, and the best is not always easy to do, but I will still try, even if I die trying.

I have experimented with various cooking styles and modified some recipes to accomodate the new dietary approach that I hope will supplement my post BC treatment lifestyle, and will be posting some of the recipes in my other blog http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/

And oh yes, my tastebuds have never been the same. Food does not taste the same the way I used to know it, perhaps due to the less lavish use of salt and seasoning. It could also be due to my tastebuds still being on the mend as I still have strange aftertastes on my tongue and in my mouth in between meals. A simple solution is to have a sweet or drop in my mouth always but since strange aftertaste is not painful, and not bad enough to cause me nausea, I am fine with it. So, treatment affects people differently. Most BC survivors I meet tell me that their tastebds return to normal within 4-6 weeks after chemo. For me it has been 4 MONTHS and counting since my last chemo and I have not lost the funny aftertaste. Well, taking it positively, at least it will discourage me from bingeing on my favourite eats!

Guo-Lin Qigong - personal reminders

2008-01-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

I promised myself that I will jot down some notes on the Qigong steps I have learnt , or to be more precise, have been taught so far. I would have truly learnt what I needed to know if I have practiced daily, and if I were to add up the time to carryout the various versions, it will take me a good couple of hours. Something to strive for.

The group meeting by the lakeside in Taman Jaya at 7 am every Saturday morning comprise of beginners like me ( a BC survivor ) who may have completed treatment or may still be managing chemo. There are also others who just turn up to take up the practice to preserve their health and hope for longevity. Membership to the Guo-Lin Qigong Association ( originated in China) in Malaysia is open to all and for RM 190, you are a life member, otherwise, it is Rm 10 joining fee and RM 20 annual fees. Reaaly peanuts, or rather kuaci, for the benefit of being taught some "exercise" that has been known ( though as far as I know not scientifically proven through the usual process of reconfirming that something works or otherwise) to have significant health benefits.

The idea is to help our body use it's own vital energy or "chi" (hence the "Qi" in Qigong) in healing and in increasing our resistance to any ill-effects that our environment might pose to us.
The practice focuses on proper breathing ( a bit like yoga when pranayama is crucial), concentration on correct movements when executing the various steps and keeping the mind free from all distractions. If done correctly, an hour of Guo-Lin Qigong inclusive of the opening and closing sequence would have opened up all the Chi pathways in our body, allowing energy to flow freely and without obstruction. The timed breathing accompanying the movements would have allowed more oxygen into our lungs, and eventually to our cells. Cancer cells find it difficult to proliferate in an oxygen-rich environment.

For me, just the idea of being with a group of people who are genuinely passionate about working(hard) their way to good health is so healing. You don't need a fancy studio to practice Qigong. Mostly it is done outdoors. Ideally it would be good to do it in a green park with water nearby. If that is too difficult, a quiet room will do where instead of walking the perimeters of a park, one can do the "stationary walk" indoors. You need to wear comfortable loose clothing and comfortable walking shoes.

Unfortunately (for me, that is) the instructions are in Mandarin ( which is one of the languages I have been planning to study!) but Agnes, one of the instructors, was good enough to teach the steps to me in English. I would be getting a handbook (in English) detailing the various steps and what the steps are called in 2 weeks time.

What makes Qigong challenging is that it looks soooooooo easy when you are watching someone else do it, but try to do it yourself and you start to have doubts. However, with practice and perserverance, nothing is impossible. Unlike Yoga where beginners would have their own limitations and must be careful not to over-exert or else injuries may result, the Qigong steps I have been taught so far appear to be fairly safe...no room for injuries unless you walk with your eyes closed and accidentally step on sharp objects or walk into a tree or into a lake.

Note to self on the Qigong I have been taught so far:

For all of the steps , the same reminders will apply -
1.breathe in and out through the nostrils always except during the opening and closing sequence. Breathing is abdominal, where the tummy is distended when air is drawn in and flat when air is breathed(squeezed) out. Easier to practice this while lying down as we can see our tummy heaving up and down, rather than our chest.

2. the tip of the tongue (mouth closed always) must always touch the palate behind the upper rows of teeth. This allows for smooth Chi flow.

3. arms should hang loosely from the shoulder joints and the upper arms must not touch the side the body, there should always be space under the armpit. Sort of standing like an orang-utan, really.

4. both palms should face parallel to the ground, it is okay for the fingers to curl though.

5. must face the earth's magnetic North when doing the opening and closing sequence.

Hmmm, not that easy writing all these down trying to recall from memory what the si-fu had said.
6. always look straight - eye level, not up to the blue skies or down at the pavement.

7. when turning head, do at 60 degrees, turn also trunk from waist upwards.

8. if saliva collects in mouth during sequenc, good!, swallow gently, don't spit out. This is "sweet dew".

Opening Sequence:
Face the Magnetic North. Use a compass, or estimate by working out where is the Qiblat(West) and figure it out from there.
Stand with feet astride at shoulder width, toes pointing straight, knees lightly bent, arms by the side, relaxed, space under armpit, look straight, palm parallel to the ground.
a.Count 60 ( about one minute ).
b.Then slowly place right palm over the "dan-tien" (navel) and slowly put the left palm on top of the right palm. Close eyes and breathe normally (in/out) once, then inhale slowly (tongue on palate) followed by exhaling through the mouth, tongue straight , so it is a bit like blowing out gently and slowly. Normal breathing in/out and repeat the inhale/exhaling sequence 2 more times.
c.Finally, gently push hands away and out in front, palms still parallel , and slowly spread hands out, right hand to the right and left hand to the left with palms at same level as the navel, until the hands are slightly more than shoulder-width apart. Once hands are apart, turn wrist so that both palms face inward and at each other before slowly drawing them inwards, fingers slightly curved until the 2 middle fingers meet. That's one count. Repeat the sequence again 2 more times before letting arms to hang loosely by the side again ( note: space under armpit).

So much for the opening sequence...it is so much easier to do than jot down!

Closing Sequence:
Similar to Opening Sequence except that it should be done in reverse order. Do steps c, b and a.
However for the closing sequence, count 120 instead of just 60, so that will take about 2 minutes.

Find a solitary bench and sit quietly for 15 minutes before resuming any other activities.

These sequences are intended to build up and preserve the Chi in our bodies and will help to build up our vital energy and strength, after completing whichever Qigong steps we choose to do

Various Guo-Lin Qigong steps: I have yet to get the "official' names for these steps, but will be jotting them down with the names that I had personally assigned so that I will remember what's what!. The official names have been told to me but my lack of Mandarin didn't help very much in retaining them! All I can remember is "Dan-tien" (navel/center)and how to count the breathing "Si, si, fu" (in, in, out).

1. Slow Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si,Si, Fu - Si, Si, Chuan(Complete sequence takes an hour). Start with right leg 20 mins, then left leg 20 mins. Step c before changing leg.
2. Fast Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si, Fu, Si Fu, Si Chuan. Start with right leg 10 mins, then left leg 10 mins. Step c before changing leg. Complete sequence takes about 25 mins or so. Do this when you don't have an hour to spare.
3. Stationary Qigong walk 1 - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si Si, Fu, Si Fu. 9 times for each leg for each set, to do 3 sets. Do c once before changing leg, and do c 3 times between each complete sequence. Front foot "heel", Hind foot "toe". Hind foot at 45 degrees, Front foot point forward. Complete sequence takes about 45 mins.
4.Stationary Qigong walk 2 ( arms behind trunk with back wrists resting on kidneys). Same as 3 above. Both 3 and 4 can be done in your hotel room if you are travelling or when it rains and you cannot get to a park.
5. Fast Stationary Qigong walk. As in 3 and 4, but 27 times for each leg, do 3 sets. Count Si, Fu, Si, Fu.
6.Balanced Qigong walk . Count Si, Si Fu(turn to right when right leg forward) and Si, Si Fu ( turn to left when left leg forward). In otherwards to synchronise turn to match the front foot.
Do for 20 minutes.

Aiiiyaaah...I didn't realise it can be quite tricky to put into words what your feet and arms and head and breathing need to do at the same time! Well, whatever, it is the actual doing and practice that is crucial. Not what I jot down...these are just to trigger my memory before too many new steps get the better of me. The instructor says there are more to learn and practice!

I was told that even if you have been practicing for years you may sometimes miss out on some key aspects. No side effects or injuries if you do it wrong or jumble up your sequence but what's the point if you cannot derive all intended benefit after taking the time to do it? I did see some seasoned practicioners walking with no space under armpits, or palm not parallel to ground or arms not relaxed but both bent. Agnes reminded us to imagine that we are stroking a huge ball when we swing our arms while walking, with the forward arm bent so that the palm is at the level of the navel while the other arm is straightened ( but relaxed not stiff) alongside the side of the body.

It is actually quite easy if one really focus and practice daily. Insya Allah. Each of the 6 different steps will require it's own detailed instructions if I were to ensure that it will serve as a reminder years down the road. That I will do in my notebook and illustrate with sketches of the required alighnment and positioning.

Thank you, Madam Guo Lin.

Another New Year! Hijrah 1429 coming...

2008-01-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow it will be awal Muharam....and unlike the Gregorian new year recently, the atmosphere will not be as raucous and indicative of merry-making. Not much partying for sure. Instead the occasion will be relatively subdued as not the whole country will be celebrating. Only those practicing the Muslim faith, and even then for some, the day may be celebrated as just another holiday. To be quite honest, it was only within the last 10 years or so that I was aware of doa awal and akhir tahun, more meaningful to me than those easily broken new year resolutions.

So, for a few years now (maybe it was the onset of the golden age...) I look forward to awal Muharam. Apart from the religious significance of Prophet Mohamad's "hijrah" from Mecca to Medina, the occasion always prompts me to reflect deeply about religion and my own spirituality. Every year during those moments of reflection (muhasabah diri), I learnt new things about myself, the people around me and about the world and mankind at large. Sometimes I get nice surprises but there were times when I felt a little, and sometimes, a lot afraid.

Although there is a list of things relating to the past year that I could cry about, I have chosen to be thankful for each and everyone of the seemingly unfortunate events, both personal and those happening out there. On a personal level, what Hijrah 1428 revealed to me will certainly make me wiser and more determined to face 1429, insya Allah. Life can be short, so as the saying goes, live life to the fullest and do not sweat the small stuff. Avoid toxins and toxic people like the plague and continue to have faith in the Almighty that things have a way of sorting out, if one remains focussed. Create goodwill all around. Everything in moderation and be mindful of keeping in balance everything that I do.

It's amazing how certain events seem like they happened to someone else. I recall how foggy-headed I was throughout the various courses of treatment last year. It is such a difference when your system is clean and not overpowered by drugs and poisons, even though those had a mission to fulfill. I actually feel very refreshed, as though I had just been back from a really good vacation. Is it due to the fact that I am slowly detoxing away all the residual drugs from my system? Even the day looks much brighter than what it used to be, it is as though a thin sephia or veil has been lifted from my eyes and I get a very clear view of everything.

Syukur Alhamdullillah. It used to be I didn't know what to expect, even after I have completed my treatments ( except the Tamoxifen, which I am putting on hold for now). I thought once radiation is over, I would get back to normal. That was very naive and a real wishful thinking on my part. Everyone around seems to think I am "cured" ( and I pray so too) but with Breast Cancer, you just never know. I behave as though I am cured, but runing on a fraction of the energy level that I used to have.

Soon it was back to fatigue, yo-yo-ing appetite and taste in food, a temporary period of insomnia, fever for no reason at all, and equally mind boggling, constipation and bouts of diarrhoea when my dietary input was balanced and an extended (about 2 weeks) of chesty coughs with lots of catarrh. My eyes were watering and itching so much, I had to rub them sore.
The rash on my left foot that started when I did chemo, was really flaring up and my foot looked a sight. And my joints, ooh, they ache so much, "bisa" is the word to describe the sharp, acute pain. The only nice thing was my hair was growing back very nicely, no discomfort or pain there. I did look like a gollywog though, and still do as I feel "so sayang" to have it re-styled as it means trimming of some "hard-earned" hair.

It was not a good time to be making decisions about introducing more drugs like Tamoxifen into my body. What I was experiencing then was probably the cumulative aftermath of all the treatments. Just like a war, once the battle is over and the enemy is driven out, a country has to get used to the collateral damage. My body was trying to work it's way back to normal but couldn't because what I was going through the past 10 months or so, were not normal. I resisted the temptation to rush to a doctor whenever I wasn't feeling good and tried to talk to my body. Yet cautious ( I was monitoring my temperature of course) yet trying to see if I can trust my body enough to manage the symptoms.

Insya Allah, eating well and drinking copious amount of water and praying hard really helped. The symptoms eased away within 2-3 weeks and while I do get the occasional lapses in energy level, I believe I am on the mend. The joint pains have eased somewhat, though my ankles burn when I jump up after being seated, the rash has subsided, bowel movement okay ( diarrhoea only if I indulge in my favourite gulai cili api), and the coughs have gone. What remains is the "problem" with my left arm due to the axillary section during surgery, which now gets numb sometimes and feel like it is bloated with fluid. It probably is with lymph fluid if my lympathic circulation has been impeded due to wrong positioning of the arm.

The attempts ( I say "attempt" because it will take time to get it really right) at Qigong and yoga must have helped. Anyone inflicted with Breast Cancer would have heard of Guo-lin Qigong. Information on this is in Google. I was fortunate to meet a few practioners who encouraged me to turn up at Taman Jaya in PJ every Saturday morning at 7 am, and they have been teaching me some exercises that I can pursue on my own on other days of the week. Like yoga, I view this as a helpful mind-body-breathing technique that can help to heal a person on a holistic basis. As with everything else, practice makes perfect, so some days will find me in TTDI Kiara Park to do an early morning Qigong walk, as the si-fu's do their walk there and they can observe if what I am doing is correct. So far, insya Allah.

I have not discounted Tamoxifen, I know it is a good drug that will do the job it has been assigned to do. But for now, I relish this period of just being me, leaving my body to work itself to health, with me mind and soul, behind it all the way. Popping a pill is easy, the side-effects are not that easy but the end result may (note:may) be worth it. Trying to have faith and trust in your body is much harder, involves a lot of willpower, discipline and hardwork. Not to mention sacrifice. But if I don't do it, who will? And it is not as if it is just Breast Cancer that I am trying to fend off, it is other chronic diseases as well as anyone and everyone these days are prime candidates for you-name-it, Nauzubillah.

What I have learnt is to be redha, after trying my best with all the other treatments. Insya Allah, with lots of faith in what I am doing ( healthy living and being mindful about various aspects of health) and with God's grace, I hope I will be able to work myself back to health.
On this the last day of 1428, I thank God for everything I had learnt, endured and was blessed with during the year, and pray for things to be better not just for me, but for everyone else, friends and family.

I missed my mother very much this morning. Mothers always "doa" for their children no matter what, and I know if she is still around, she will doa for me to be healthy and happy like normal, after what I had been through. I took out the box that she left behind which contains some of her things, including some letters to me, and hugged it really tight. I sensed her motherly aura and smell when I hugged the box, and felt very much comforted. Another year, and it has been almost 5 years since she left us but not a single day has passed without me thinking and praying for her. Semoga Allah mencucuri roh Emak saya, Amin.

Tomorrow is awal Muharram. So to friends everywhere selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah. I will probably spend it at home with some close friends over for tea. These are friends who went out of their way to help me during my treatment, and they will now get to see and taste food cooked by a BC survivor ( less fat, less sugar, less salt, no refined white flour, etc) and not by my helper. They will probably thank their lucky stars that they do not have to go through it. The change in dietary practice has helped me to shed some of the kgs I gained though....so there is some good there!

Selamat Tahun Baru.....again! ( And in just about a month's time we will be wishing one another yet another greeting for a new year, won't we?)

It's A New Year!!

2008-01-01T21:47:00.001-08:00

Hello January! Today is a day just like yesterday or the day before...but it is in a brand new year! And as tradition would have it, we wished each other and everyone we know and meet a "Happy New Year" just when the clock hands meet at 12 midnight a couple of days ago.

I do this every year too, and as always at the beginning of each year, I have been very cheery and overly optimistic and feel incredibly strong to do whatever it takes to meet life's surprises. And when the year starts unfolding, I find that more often than not, the level of optimism will waiver and sometimes I find that some surprises seem too much to handle.

What I have re-learnt and was reminded of in the past year though is that, no matter how shocking some of life's surprises can be, there's always a positive outcome. I just need to look for it and benefit from it. No pain, no gain. Some lessons of life require different "techniques" before these can make an impression on you.

And so will it be with this coming year....let's thank God Almighty that despite the trials and tribulations of 2007, we have crossed over into 2008 rather smoothly, syukur Alhamdullillah. Life will continue to dish us more surprises, some welcomed and others questioned, but whatever, here's hoping and wishing that we will be granted the strength and wisdom to preserve and improve on what will be good for all of us, Insya Allah.

Let us pray that it will indeed be a Happy New Year in 2008, despite the surprises that we already have even though it is only day 2 of the brand new year! 363 days more to come in this new year, and maybe twice as many shocks and surprises.

A brand new day, a brand new year....if we have been good, we can always be better. Happy New Year to everyone!

AllahuAkbar.....!

2007-12-20T01:18:00.000-08:00

What a year it has been....! To think that a new one is lurking just around the corner and only God knows what surprises it will bring!

A quickie roundup since the last post (Sept 26). Before that, Selamat Aidil Adha to all Muslim friends. Just a second ago I was almost tearing my hair out (yes, hair has sprouted quite abundantly) because I could not log on. Forgot my password. Google to the rescue and all is well.

Where my BC is concerned, I have completed all conventional treatments just in time for Hari Raya. Radiation therapy was a breeze compared to the tsunami-like upheavals during chemo.
Daily 20 minute trips(each way) for 25 days to get my chest irradiated with intense rays to kill remnant cancer cells lurking around the surgery scar area and the axillary cut under my left armpit. Happy cheerful trips except on one occasion when I had to cancel my treatment because I was robbed on the way, right from the comfort of my car! Some desperado smashed my front passenger seat window while I was taking off after waiting on a red light, and took off with my handbag! Got that sorted out strangely smoothly so my ID's all show me at my age now. I cursed the fella, and later took it back and hope he was going to use the money for a sick mother or pay important bills!

Post-radiation was a different story. A fortnight later my left breast looked and felt like a lumpy burnt toast. So was my armpit! The area was sore and the doctor advised me to leave it alone, don't scratch, no creams, no soap, just let water run over it while showering. A miracle (blessing?) happened - I did not need to use deodorants after this, and still smell pleasant. Just as well as some anti-perspirants contain aluminium which can be carcinogenic. I was asked later to apply some baby oil but what really worked for me was Himalaya's body lotion and Fruits Of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. Very soothing and helped to moisturise the skin. Took a while for skin to turn to normal and the dark burnt layer to peel off. Took some shots for posterity and to be used as a deterrent if I crave for foods that can cause inflammation ( and gatal2). No belacan and ikan gatal for now. I think my deeper layers of skin are still scarring and trying to heal even though the top layers look pretty normal now.

The next step was a full CT scan to be used as a baseline, which I had done in October. No major issues though my surgeon did say I may need to do a chest x-ray in 3 months time. Up to now, I have not said "YES" to Tamoxifen yet. I know for an ER+ /PR+ case like me, that is next on the checklist as the gold standard treatment, after Surgery, Chemo and Radiation. Much to the displeasure and disappointment of my doctors, I have for now decided not to pop Tamoxifen in my mouth everymorning. Who can tell the future, except God?

God knows I have braved myself for the trials and tribulations of the earlier stages of treatment. Insya Allah I have eradicated all bad cells existing up to that point in time through invasive therapies - chemo and radiation. Who is to know what the future will hold - there are so many unknown threats to health, not just BC. I seek God's will to help me manage my health, lifestyle and situation better so that not only do I hope to fend off future cancers, but other health problems as well, if God wills it. I just want to feel responsible for my own health now. Should the unknown enemy rear it's ugly head (Nauzubillah) then, I will turnto my good doctors for help, then we would know exactly what we are fighting for. I would like to save Tamoxifen as something we could whip out from under our sleeves, should the unfortunate happen. If it doesn't, then Syukur Alhamdullillah.

I have been through the side-effects of chemo drugs and radiation, and I am still recovering. It will be a while before my system is clear from all the residual traces of invasive drugs and radiation. I long for my body to feel normal again, for my energy level to be up, so I can be up and about without tiring easily. For that reason, I am closely monitoring my lifestyle to try get back to normal. Though "normal" will be far from what normal used to be. I have learnt to make adjustments here and there, and accepted that some things have to change. It has been a most educational experience. I know about the disease as much as I needed to know and more, and have met and learnt from the kind people I have encountered because of my being a BC patient. God bless all the people who have provided support all along. They made it that much easier for me. I have also learnt a lot about friendships and family, and along the way made many new friends who are dearer to me now just like family. On the flipside, I have also learnt to differentiate the wheat from the chaff, and realise who my true friends are.

If there's one thing that a life-threatening illness can teach you, it is this - BE SELECTIVE and do not be shy or afraid to say NO. Life is so short to waste on undeserving issues, and each new day, it is important to make oneself feel good before one can make others feel great. A very simple philosophy, but just as simple to forget and overlook. Especially in the effort of trying to be "selfless" and "kind". Be kind to self first. Do I sound selfish? You bet. I am now more afraid of displeasing my Maker than of anyone or anything else.

2007 will be a year to remember indeed. Will I try to erase it from my mind, of course not!
I derived strength from the challenges thrown my way during the year, and I felt as though I have shed a layer of old skin that is now replaced by a new one that is not as easily hurt, stressed or annoyed. A tough skin.

Let's talk about the cats now. My three babies are back with me in KL. Poor things - all cooped up in a townhouse and no longer free to roam around a kampung compound with it's share of trees, shrubs and interesting "toys" to play with like chickens, squirrels, monitor lizards and birds. They are back to scratching my sofa. It is sooooo nice to have them around. I have to alter their diet as they tend to put on weight due to the lack of running around.

Troy is really big, he looks like a dog. A limping dog. And Ashley, must be going through menopause, always trying to find fault with poor Putri and have her paws on Putri's head whenever I wasn't looking. Something must have happened between them when they were living in Melaka. Putri seems timid somewhat, I need to "counsel" her and see why she seems withdrawn. She used to be frisky and leaping all over the place.

My 3 babies have not just one, but two new friends. Blackie, the domestic stray continues to be just that. I would be in Melaka for a month and God knows who feeds him, but the moment I am back, he would appear at our front gate. The neighbours must have fed him as he always appeared healthy, not like he has been scavenging for scraps from dustbins.

We now have an additional stray, a cat we decided to rescue. We call him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, bulky chest, thick neck and all. Except when we found him on the patio table upon our return from kampung, he was badly injured in the mouth and was almost dying. Smelly pus was dripping from his jaw and he was weak. We nursed him to recovery and when he had a relapse of whatever it was ( we learnt later it was a liver problem, and low immunity ), we decided to let the Vet to take charge. 18 days with the Vet and Bouncer has bonced back to health. He doesn't want to leave our porch, so it's one more to our collection of rescued cats. He has a lopsided jaw but can still afford to look amazingly cute, he has a "plate-face" ( muka pinggan, if you can imagine what I mean). I will try to get him to pose for the camera one of these days and put up his picture here.

Family ? The same as always - and I have learnt to accept certain things. Very little bug me these days in this area. As long as everyone's fine, that is what matters. I am here, they know where to find me.

What next? Only God nows. Yes, I have plans....many plans. But as the events of 2007 taught me - we can plan, but God will execute what is deemed the best for us. With that, I seek God's forgiveness and blessings, and am redha' with God's will. God is all knowing and I seek God's guidance each day so that I can keep my chin up, my head and spirit high ( but not in the clouds). Will I continue from where I had left off earlier this year? Will I seek new directions?
Only God knows what is best for his insan. AllahuAkbar.

My warmest greetings to everyone for a meaningful time at year-end to reflect over the past 12 months and my prayers for everyone to have a happy, healthy and successful 2008. Insya Allah.

Remembering Allahyarhamah Nurin

2007-09-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

In two days I would complete my 25 Radiation Therapy sessions, which started on August 27 . Twenty sessions of photon radiation to my affected breast area and five"booster" sessions of electron radiation to the surgery scar area on the same breast. I had earlier planned to record what the treatment had entailed for me during the week, but got derailed from that plan as I was too much shaken by the latest disruption to hit our peace of mind - Nurin's fate. My eyes still well up in tears whenever the image of her lifeless face flashes across my mind. Like her parents, I was hoping we will find her alive. We did not.

I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.

My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.

I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.

Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.

Bouncing back in Ramadan

2007-09-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

It's day 6 of the holy month of Ramadan...a month favoured by many to be a month of cleansing and purification, a month of introspection deep within one's soul, a month to do good, to be even better than one had ever been before.....a time for charitable acts, a time to strengthen feelings of kinship, and a time to be really true to one's self during which most worldly and materialistic concerns take a somewhat backseat......

What a mouthful! For someone who is fasting, I surprise myself at the mouthful of words that I have keyed into the previous paragraph. That is what happens I suppose if one has been unabashedly writing away, freely, whatever comes to mind when pen or pencil hits paper. And writing away every day, with no fear or favour - write, write, write whatever comes to mind in my trusty green journal, now looking very battered and abused due to being pounded on first thing in the morning upon rising and any time in between when I can have a moment in the comfort and privacy of my room, even in the bathroom. And squirrelling it away so that I don't see it when I wasn't writing, in case I have a change of mind and decide to change or erase what have been written earlier. It was so comforting to really write as it flows, no editting, no subconscious awareness that someone else might be reading what I had scribbled as honesty was the main theme of the writing and therefore, if chanced upon by others, some hearts might be broken and possibly, my poor, bald head might be broken along with that!

For my blogopals who might have wondered about my absence in blogosphere from the last post till now, please accept my assurance that I am still a keen blogger.....just taking a much needed "break" to drill into myself, to really discover for myself what makes me tick and what gets me kicking. My apologies for not checking my tm.net emails and the blog. I needed a break in a routine that constantly reminded me of my sad yet meaningful battle with cancer. Not that I can ever forget.

After almost 4 months of blogging about my experience with managing treatment, and just before my last and 6th chemo which I took on July 26, it dawned on me that very soon, there will be no more "weapons" fired into my system to kill any lurking bad cells. I will be on my own, entirely on my own, to ensure that I regain my health and not allow any future recurrence, Insya Allah.

While it was a relief to tell myself "aah, only 1 more chemo to go", I had felt awkwardly scared that I will have "nothing" to be fighting bad cells in me. Sure, the Radiation Therapy will assist with any residual traces of microscopic bad cells (as I like to tell friends, yang dah menetas and yang belum menetas) that might have eluded surgery and even chemotherapy, but what happens after Radiation? I have at that point in time, and up to this moment, entertained the option on going for alternative therapy to manage or bar future recurrence.

Unless convinced otherwise by my doctors, I am not looking to pursue Hormonal Therapy. Yup, no more drugs into my body after this, so no Tamoxifen. I know that Tamoxifen works wonders for others for whom the possibility of recurrence might be due to their biological or genetic make-up. For me, based on my self-analysis and introspection while undergoing treatment, I came to the conclusion ( further validated by the themes and contents of my "wild" writing spree during my blog silence) that the cancer cells invaded my system because I had not been very good in managing my stress, resulting in a lot of negative impact on my immune system and an unhappy blob at the back of my mind which I was not conscious of until it surfaced during my moments of self assessment and introspection.

The "discovery" was awesome, and scary. I need to change, I don't need drugs or another surgery. No surgery or drugs can remove traces of negative feelings, resentments, guilt or regrets that might still be flowing in my mind/body although I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. The fact that some events in my past still had the power to sap my energy , both unconsciously or sub-consciously mean I had not truly gotten over them. And for my own survival and well-being, I NEED TO GET OVER THEM.

No surgery or drugs or doctors can help me with this. I realise that the introduction of this disease is Divine Intervention of the highest kind for me, to show me that I need to stop, think and move forward without letting any errors, regrets or guilt from the past to haunt me or limit my creativity or desires. No prescription pills can make me let go of the past, no surgery can remove past or present resentments from suppressing my happiness. I have to do it, myself and take the necessary steps to do so. While I am the same person as the one pre-cancer, I just cannot afford to behave or react to emotional situations the same way as before. If I do, I will be back to square one, and pay the toll and face the consequences. And if I have an ounce of respect for myself, that should be my mission from here on....to improve me, in a holistic kind of way - mind, body, spirit.

If it means transforming myself so that I am not the same person to some of the people who knew/know me, then so be it. As long as I am still a worthwhile person, why should it matter if I am no longer as giving, to the point of deficit, both emotionally and physically? God has given me an opportunity to "re-invent" myself in the way I manage my reactions to stressful situations, to divert my energy to more meaningful pursuits other than undertaking thankless jobs of managing the burdens of others, to really evaluate what really matters to me in this short life (that can be hanging in the balance if I am not mindful of how I manage my mind and body), and to increase my knowledge about how to be better prepared to face the "next" world.

I would be really stupid if I don't interprete my recent experience(s) this way. My utmost thank to Allah, syukur Alhamdullillah, that I discovered the cancer, underwent a successful surgery to remove it, managed the challenges of chemotherapy and now, Insya Allah, am almost mid-way in undergoing 25 daily sessions of Radiation Therapy and still feeling hopeful and confident that I can overcome this. With Allah's grace, I really should seize the moment to act upon what I have discovered about myself so that the future me will have a stronger consitution and that my mind will ease and help my body ward of potential diseases, Insya Allah.

As I couldn't pinpoint a single "Lifestyle Factors" that could have burdened me with the cancer that was eradicated, since others are faced with the same lifestyle options and environmental stresses (and yet cancer-free), the only contributing factor had to be ME. So from here on, I will take full responsibility for my health, strengthen my consitution and pray that God will take note of my effort and help me along. For how can anything happen without God's will.

And this holy month of Ramadan couldn't have come at a better time, for me personally, as the month-long reflection(and terawihs) is really helping me to re-inforce my recent discoveries and my belief that Allah always has a reason for letting things happen, and that if we are willing to help ourselves, Allah is always on hand to give us a nudge and a tweaking every now and then, to urge us on the right path. Insya Allah.

As it has been for me, I hope the fasting, prayers, charity in this month of Ramadan will bring all my family, friends and ummah all the blessings and enlightenment that are needed for a truly happy existence. A happy heart is a healthy heart. Or is it the other way around? What does it matter, for as long as you are healthy, count your blessings and be happy to remain healthy.

May Allah bless everyone. I will try to post everynow and then to share my experience of Radiation treatment ( a few mentionable incidents there!). And on a more serious note, to jot down some of my "self-discoveries" which are honest findings, which made me wonder if other cancer survivors discovered any awkward/unpleasant truths about themselves that might have caused their cancer to grow and win round 1, 2 or 3. I truly believe we cause our own disease, not the ikan masin, dairy products, red meat or canned food! And that only we can heal and protect ourselves from the disease, no pills or drugs can stop it if our mind and body allow it to take root. Insya Allah.

Selamat Berpuasa, dear friends. Ramadan Kareem.....

P.S.
For those in the neighbourhood, our Sri Hartamas Surau holds a Buka Puasa every evening during Ramadan and a Moreh after Terawih ( lapan rakaat, by the way). Nice, simple fare courtesy of residents who book a date with a caterer to "sedekah" a Buka Puasa Juadah. It is open to all who "sudi" to come for prayers here. Small, cosy family atmosphere, just a small crowd of about 100, no parking problem at all. Me? I walk from my house, need to un-load the excess baggage ( 8 kilos!) slowly gathered during chemo. :)

Day 5 - Feeling really down

2007-07-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

July 9 (Day 5 of cycle 5)

Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.

To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?

The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?

I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.

For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.

I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......

Day 4 Cycle 5 (Gastric again..)

2007-07-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

July 8 (Day 4 of cycle 5)

I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.

I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.

It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?

I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.

What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?

I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?

This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????

Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?

I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.

Day 3 - Cycle 5 (07-07-07)

2007-07-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

July 7 ( day 3 of cycle 5)

The side-effects are beginning to be apparent- the tiredness and fatigue. No mood to go out but forced myself to walk to the shops nearby to get the morning papers. By the time I got back to the house, I was tired and was ready to just sink into the sofa.

I had my usual breakfast of soft boiled eggs and toast, followed by the anti-nausea medication. I made sure I took some psyillium husks too and bananas in an effort to avoid another round of constipation as a result of the Emend. I rested while reading the papers. I wasn't really up to watching dvds, so listened to some Gamelan music to chill out.

I received a text from the Manager of the Nursing Home where my dad is at about 3 pm or so. My dad had complained of chest pains and although he was reluctant, Jenny arranged for him to be rushed to the hospital. My dad is now warded and is being supplied with oxygen as the doctor assessed that his heart is causing him to be breathless. He must be worried about me, and I feel really down that I couldn't zoom over as I would normally do to be with him. I passed the text on to my siblings here and have not heard back from them.

I spoke to Jenny and she said not to worry, she will arrange to have a nurse or one of her staff by my father 24 hrs. My dad does not like being in the ward alone, and in the past one will accompany him. I am not in a position to do so right now, and so are my siblings who have children and grandchildren to take care of. I told Jenny I should be fine and less sickly by day 5 and my friend RJ have offered to drive me whenever I need to go. I don't think I can drive the 2 hours to the hospital in my condition and I really appreciated her offer. It's incredible that at times like this, my friends are more receptive to the occassion than my own siblings and relatives. Is my family strange or what? I know better than to suggest anything as I get annoyed very easily if someone says the wrong things that shouldn't be said when it comes to family matters, especially involving parents.

I tried to speak to my dad on the phone but he couldn't hear me, so we exchanged sms via the carer's phone. He said not to worry and that I must take care of my health and get better soon. I told him not to worry about me as I have good doctors, and that he should relax and be tenang. He is still on oxygen and sound breathless, but he couldn't hear a thing I was saying. I pray hard that he will be fine, my sister and niece from the UK will be arriving the week of July 16 and we are planning a surprise for his 89th birthday on July 25.

Ya Allah, I seek your mercy and compassion to make me strong so that I can focus in getting myself feeling much better. Please grant me the faith to trust that the people looking after my father has your blessings to give him the best care he deserves so that he will be fine again. Thank you Ya Allah for listening to my prayers and doa. You are most compassionate and most merciful. Syukur Alhamdullillah.

Day 2 Cycle 5 - Birthday In Situ At Home

2007-07-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

July 6 (Day 2 of Cycle 5)

I woke up very thankful to the Almighty that I am feeling fine today which marks another year as a, I hope, useful human being. My Onco popped in to check how I was doing and confirmed that I should be fine and was going to give me some sleeping tablets if I need to cope with sleep better. I declined as so far, syukur Alhamdullillah, I have been sleeping quite well. He reminded me about the warm compresses so that we should be prepared for the 6th cycle in 21 days time.

I received a lot of text messages from my friends and close siblings and their kids wishing me happy birthday. A friend and her son surprised me with a visit in the morning and God Bless her, she brought some gifts that will make my planned trip to Bali "complete" - a floppy hat to cover my bald scalp in case I forget!

I was able to drive home slowly and did not attempt to make any detours along the way. I just can't wait to get home. We found Blackie the stray cat waiting for us, wondering where we had gone. He was limping, no cuts or wound but limping slightly. He must have been in a fight with the tiger-sized cat that belongs to my back neighbour, we call him Kuning. Kuning must have tried to pinch some of the food we put out for Blackie in the automatic feeder and Blackie must have put out a fight, and got whacked in return.

Vik sorted out the stuff from the hospital and I got myself organised for the side effects to surface. Despite the Emend, Novaban and Dexamethasone, I still felt queasy, so imagine if there weren't any aids. I felt like Bubur Kacang so Vik made some. My late Emak swore by Bubur Kacang for constipation, so I am trying that out as well. My nephew came by and stayed until maghrib. A close friend had dropped a dvd that I had been wanting to watch "An Inconvenient Truth" (The Al Gore effort) so at least I know I have something interesting to watch.

Some friends were planning to take me out to dinner to celebrate but I felt a bit tired to be out and about, so instead a few close ones came by with a cake and candles and we celebrated "in-situ" right at home. It makes me feel all warm inside knowing that they had come straight to my house after work and I did not have to feel alone on my birthday. Not that it is a grand occassion, but for me it is a day of thanksgiving, grateful to be alive and knowing there are people who cared enough. I miss my dad who would usually insist on a cake and pulut kuning if he is around, but alas.

Syukur Alhamdullillah for another year and Insya Allah, I pray for many more good years to come to be with those who have touched my life in meaningful ways.

Chemo # 5 - Day 1

2007-07-05T03:02:00.000-07:00

July 5 ( D-day for Chemo #5, Day 1)

Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to locate a small vein on the underside of my forearm ( "comel" the Onco nurse described it). My Onco was quite concerned and planned to have a warm compress on the forearm if no veins bulged out. As the vein was narrow extra caution was exercised to administer the drug and throughout I felt pain and discomfort and a very strong urge to be sick, but managed to control myself. Syukur Alhamdullillah the chemo was completed relatively smoothly, starting at 10 to 1 pm and ending just after 4. I was admitted for overnight observation and felt less stressed up knowing that help is at hand should I need it. I brought Vik my helper along with me and in fact, I drove to the medical center today, to the surprise of my friends.

I was at the center early to get my pre-chemo blood test done again. At 9 am the lab couldn't locate a vein that will release blood into the syringe. This time, they did not bother to prick more veins on my arm but went straight to my foot and we managed to get a decent sample even though it was painful. I was going to test the vampire style of sucking blood ie if they couldn't get any from my foot, the only sure place would be the jugular vein. Hopefully we will not have to resort to that ever, I am already seeing fangs right now.

I rested well in the ward. My friends came by with some snacks ( a Big Mac for which I had a sudden craving although dinner served was a nice grilled fish) and boiled chinese barley to cool and calm me down. I was feeling hot and perspiring even though the airconditioner was at it's lowest. The stayed until about 8 pm and I tried to have an early night after the nurses checked my bp and indicated that it was a bit low. Again. It was the same the last time.

I thanked the Almighty for his blessing and compassion that saw me through the 5th chemo. All I need to do in return is to be strong and manage the usual side-effects. Michelle brought a powder that really worked for the sores in my lips, she bought it at a chinese sen-seh shop, it is supposed to be ground watermelon seeds, very bitter but minty. After 3 different assortment of cures, the sores seem to have eased up a little, syukur Alhamdullillah. The coconut juice, the gengigel, the orabase and the watermelon seeds powder-no, that is really 4 different cures. Glad they worked together and not backfire in my mouth.

Day 21 - Cycle 4 Round Up

2007-07-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

July 4 ( Day 21 of Cycle 4)-Lots of Coconut Juice to drink (air kelapa)

Tomorrow is D-Day for Cycle 5. Cycle 5 on July 5, a day before I add another year to my already golden status. As I anticiapte a somehat challenging session ( the Onco nurses need to hunt for a "good vein" and then inject a drug to dilate them and clear the way for chemo drugs) I plan to be admitted overnight and not on a day basis as done earlier. I hope I can get away with the request for the doctor to reconsider the dosage if my lip ulcers are still bothering me. The red drug(Epirubicin) apparently is very "heaty" and cause ulcers. My Onco did acknowledge yesterday that the ulcers could be due to the increased dosage at cycle 4. I drank the juice from 2 whole coconuts as advised by friends who told me this can help reduce the heat in my body so that no fresh ulcers will appear.

How was the cycle 4 experience? Certainly vey different from previous cycles due to the increased dosage and the cumulative effects of the side effects. I am sure it will be different for different people based on their baseline health level and their ability to cope, so what I am journalising are the experiences that I went through and the lessons and learnings I get from them.

Pertinent points about Cycle 4:

Wbc count rather high - higher than baseline. 8.7 vs baseline of 6.4 and other interim counts ranging from 1.8-2.8.

Weight gain vs baseline - up 4 kgs (therefore average of 1 kg per cycle so far. All the steroid induced cravings and the need to eat well to maximise cell recovery during 3rd week post chemo.

Onco had prescribed increased dosage for 4th chemo , he upped Epirubicin dosage by 15%.

Given 2 doses of Neupogen during interim blood count (2.4) , sakit pinggang as a result.

Not given booster post 4th chemo as the relief Onco wanted to test if my system could cope and that my bone marrow could recover on its own.

Pre-chemo blood count yesterday showed quite a good count of 3.8 wbc, and if this is maintained and I am within the normal range of 4-11, chemo 5 can proceed tomorrow (assuming they can locate and open up channel in veins.)

Side effects - very different probably due to increased dosage. I felt weakened but refused to let body to wilt too much by the higher dose, so pushed myself to do all kinds of things like having a garage sale! How ever, my spirit was very low during the second week, and my appetite was affected somewhat but was successful in making sure some nutrients get in. Continued to have problems with bowel movement. Not that my bowels ain't moving, they move like clockwork every morning before or after suboh but it has been a daily excruciating experience probably caused by the constipation in cycle 2. I never did recover from the ravages of constipation. The doctor and everyone reminded me to drink up, which I tried to do although plain water now tastes awful and has to be supplemented with juices/flavours. An additional side effect for this cycle are painful mouth ulcers and blisters. The ones inside the outh are manageable as the Gengigel gargle nightly and after meals does help, so is the Gengigel gel to apply. However the ones on my lips just seem to grow deeper and bigger and very, very painful. The doctor prescribed Orabase which I have been applying every 3 hours after meals. Feels okay when the cream is freshly applied but the pain and tingling will stsrt again when the cream has been absorbed or swallowed. I shudder to think what will happen tomorrow when Epirubicin is administered and I am supposed to suck ice (yucks) to protect the lining of my mouth. What happens if the lining of my mouth and lips are already cracking up and painful, will it get worse? I don't even want to think about it now in case I lose some sleep tonite.

I received a number of encouraging sms from friends for me to be strong tomorrow after they hear about my blood being takem from my foot and not from my arm for the blood test yesterday.

I hope and pray the session tomorrow will go smoothly and that I get to rest awhile in the ward and go home the next day, if necessary. I remind myself always that Allah will test us up to the point of our capacity to manage, and Insya Allah, whatever happens tomorrow, I seek His guidance and compassion to grant me the strength to endure whatever challenges the session might bring.

Once I get through tomorrow, Insya Allah, there will be only one more cycle to go in 3 weeks time before I prepare myself for 5 weeks of daily radiation doses.

Ya Allah, please give me the courage and strength to turn up at the Medical center tomorrow and the resilience to tolerate the 3-4 hour process of making myself better while comfronting the treatment. Please guide my Onco and the Onco staff to handle me gently and that they will be able to locate a good vein that will be ready to recieve the chemo drugs that will help my body in its fight against those unseen mutant cells. Amin.

Day 20 - Pre-chemo blood test

2007-07-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

July 3 (Day 20 of cycle 4)

It is day 20 and July 3, the day that I am supposed to turn up for the pre-chemo blood test to check my count since I did not do the normal interim count that was scheduled on June 22. I did not go at 9 am per the appointment time as I learnt that after the blood test, I had to wait at least 3 hours before I get to see my Onco as he always has a crowd waiting to see him. I decided to go close to noon, so that I only have to wait an hour or so to see him when the results come out. By noon or so, he would have seen all the patients who are scheduled for chemo on that day. It took me 4 cycles to realise this and I could have used the time running other errands.

As it turned out, this time it took the nurses at the lab quite some time to locate a vein in my arm from which to draw blood. I was jabbed at 3 different spots (God, it was painful this time) and although they found a vein and tried to suction out some blood, nothing was drawn into the syringe. I hope my veins have not completely closed up like a blind tunnel! After the 3 attempts they gave up and we decided to go for my foot!

My feet look typical of those belonging to someone in their golden age. It seems with botox and all, the face can look "young" and to tell the true age and experience of someone is not to look for wisdom lines in their faces but to look at the raised veins on their hands and feet. For me, the ones in my right hand are hiiden due to water retention and thrombophlebitis. The ones on my feet are yelling "use me, use me..!". I was worried that the needle might hit a bone in my feet as the feet has the most number of bones in our body and I fear that the nurses might hit one and break a needle. They sprayed something cool on the spot they were going to puncture and very soon, they were able to draw the minimum required to be tested. What a relief. I can't imagine where else they could jab to get blood if they couldn't get it from my feet.

I saw my Onco at about 1 pm and he said my blood count is good, 3.8. He said as long as I eat well leading up to July 5 I should have a good count for the chemo. He did suggest as a precaution in case it dips due to an infection in the next 2 days for me to get just one shot of Neupogen. My back twitched when he said that and I told him tak nak, as I get back pains and am curious to see if my body can manage the next chemo without chemical aid. I have to learn to be less dependent on chemical aids now that in 6 weeks time, my system have to cope totally on its own after the final chemo cycle. He said ok, then to be very sure that I eat really well for my blood.

After having said that, I showed him the ulcers on my lips and him that Gengigel from my dentist works well for ulcers on the tongue and in my mouth but not for lip ulcers which continue to expand and hurt like hell. He presribed something called Orabase that I need to apply thinly on my lips and I must not rub it into the sore, just slap on a thin layer and leave it to stick and blend to my tissues.

I met up a fellow cancer survivor for lunch ( or coffee rather as I can't eat with Orabase on my lips) and we talked about the upcoming convention as she was going to present a paper. She went back to work while I stayed behind to attend the launching of the Breast Care Center at the medical center. Datuk Seri Sharizat Jalil officiated and it was indeed a meaningful occassion as this will be the first all-in-one Breast Care Center in Malaysia. A private charity donated a goodie bag to invited cancer patients which contained thoughtful gifts which include among others an MP3 player with inspiring music and motivational messages that have been downloaded.

I didn't stay for the hi-tea to join in the small talks as I can't even talk properly, let alone smile. I did make many new friends while waiting for Sharizat to arrive and we will be trading stories via sms or at future events in BCWA. I met a motley crowd of survivors, ranging from 1 year-30 years survivorship. And their tips vary that I end up telling myself that no 2 survivors are the same and at the end of the day, one must have faith to be well and the mind and faith can team up against any invaders, seen or unseen. One lady told me to pantang durian, another said no pantang and she had been eating durians, have survived more than 18 years and did not even do chemo, just radiation. One said she was a stage 1, small lump and no lymph affcted lymph nodes and at 40 could get away without chemo. I had a similar prognosis, but because I am menopausal and in my golden years, chemotherapy is highly recommended.

I realise that it I talk to too many people I will end up confused and disheartened. Of course to be fair, I wouln't have met those who did not do chemo and who did not pantang and who succumbed to the disease even after 2 of the 3 adjuvant treatment. I then decided to chat with people I met about other things.

I had to leave early as my nephew was coming by and I had taken the key to the front gate along. I told my helper this is because I didn't want her to admit into my house any conman who would claim to be my relatives as she is still new. Dinner was kacang botol, fish gulai and soup tulang, with lots of semi-fresh dates apparently also good for blood. Another survivor friend recommended Pisang Emas, which apparently helps with blood count. Must go get some so that Insya Allah, I will be on schedule for the 5th chemo on 5th July.

Day 19 - Ulcers and Blisters

2007-07-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

July 3 (Day 19 of cycle 4)

The ulcers have migrated from the top of my lower lip to it's base and the nerve ends must have hit the nerve ends of my gums that the pain is not unlike a nagging toothache. I often bit my lower lip by accident, and when this happens when there is a growing ulcer on the exact spot where my teeth landed, a piercing scream could result, no matter if I am in the privacy of my won dining table or in the middle of a busy restaurant. Which is exactly what happened on Monday afternoon when I was in this busy restaurant in Bangsar!

My veins in the right forearm are still hard and stiff and it is quite worrying. How will they administer the chemo drugs on Thursday if they cannot locate a vein too. Will I then have to get a chemo port done jsut for 3 more cycles, and be subject to another op and a round of anasthesia. The thought is more daunting than the anticipated pain that I know will be part of the deal when the drugs course through my hardened veins, just like at the 4th chemo.

I realised today that while I have confirmed our travel dates for Bali and that my friend from Sydney will be able to meet up with us there, I will be missing a very interesting International convention right here in KL for Cancer Survivors and Care Givers, organised by the BCWA. What a shame. I had read about the International Congress on Breast Cancer and Colorectal Cancer during the same period and understood that participants are those in the health care business, discussing the latest in the field of medicine relating to the 2 ailments. What I did not realise is that BCWA is also organising around the same time a convention for International Cancer Survivors to meet up and have round table discussions and a sharing of experiences. One of my cancer buddies will be presenting a paper on treatment options and costs, from a cancer perspective and my breast surgeon will lead a round table discussion on Shopping for Doctors.

Life is about making choices and the right decisions, based on best information available. The perfect scenario for me would be go to Bali and attend the convention upon return, or attend the convention and then go to Bali to chill out. As it turns out, the airtickets and hotel can be confirmed around the dates I had chosen, not earlier and not later, with 5 of us trying to get a mutually convenient date. If I were to pull out, 4 others will be affected and I don't have the heart to cancel it especially since I ave got everyone quite excited over the trip. My assurance is that some people I know will be attending and I could gather how the event turned out. I am sure it will be generously covered by the media as Breast Cancer is receiving a lot of attention, and a lot of research and business activities revolve around it.

I have made the decision, and I have convinced myself it is the right one to spend some time with my siblings, as ridiculous though it may sound, it has not always been easy to find a suitable time to go holiday together. Conventions come and go and there will always be similar arrangements in future, and I don't know what God's plans are and if I will be around to enjoy a good holiday with close family members if I wait for "the next time". I am sure they will be other opportunities to meet up with survivors from all over the globe and trade experiences and tips, but the way things turn out, it must be part of God's plan.

We will celebrate my dad's birthday at the end of July and spend a few days with him at home in Melaka while my sister and niece are around. Hopefully we can spend some time to get the plan about planting dragonfruits to gel a bit more. It is beginning to sound very interesting....and promising, Insya Allah. I am already visualising me giving baskets and hampers of bright red dragon fruits to friends and family, all country grown in an organic way. Insya Allah, this "Naga Saga" will materialise if enough heads are equally committed. I am not going to be the old me who will be 133% enthusiastic about things and ended up shouldering the burden and responsibilities alone! Will need to test the interest barometer for sharing both the hard work. No need to test the barometer on who will be happy to share in the output and produce, there will be many, based on past experience.....

Days 16, 17, 18 , - Technical Hitches

2007-07-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

The last four days ( today inclusive) have been rather hectic and it didn't help one bit when my dialup connection to tmnet did not work. After numerous phone calls and investigative tests, we got it sorted out. My phone cable was kaput and I had to go out to buy a replacement to drag from the phone socket to the laptop on my desk. No one from tmnet was, alas , able to pinpoint the problem and I had thought that my laptop was kaput. It was only when that nice guy Alan at the SHC Pineapple store tested my laptop using their phone line that it was thankfully confirmed that my laptop is okay but not my phone cable. What a relief. It has also been a hectic 4 days so have not been able to hang out at Starbucks to catch up on emails. My mailbox was full when I finally logged on today.

June 29 (Day 16 of cycle 4)

My phone cable must have "died" on this day. I spent sometime seeking assistance from the tmnet call center but no one could pinpoint the problem. That was a real bummer as I was planning to surf the net for good deals to Bali to chill out after my last chemo and was going to go with my sis, her daughter and my brother. A friend from Sydney was planning to join us in Bali if the timing is right. As it turned out I spent the whole afternoon at my travel agent nearby and finally got all that sorted out. I am assuming and hoping that I will be fit for travel after my last chemo on July 27 and the ensuing 21 days after will be treating me kindly.

Other than the bowel "problem" and some blisters (on my lips now and therefore more torturous as it hurts even when I talk and move my lips), I am quite pleasantly surprised that I am coping rather well without any boosters prior to the 5 th cycle. Not yet anyway. I will find out when I go for another pre-chemo blood test on Tuesday July 3, 2 days before the scheduled 5th chemo.

My childhood friend came by to visit and shared photos of recent holidays in Russia and we went for dinner at Aji Don in P.Damas as Fridays is a day for good Mee Rebus Tulang. I need all the beefy goodness and it was good.

June 30 (Day 17 of cycle 4)

Today is all about my trip to Melaka, courtesy of my friend and her son, to whom I have sold my Acer desktop for Rm10! Since I haven't been to Melaka for a month or so, I shopped for some stuff to bring back, and to take to my Dad when I visit him. Also, the stock for catsupplies are running low according to my brother, so my friend's MPV was stacked with a bumper supply of catfood and cat litter for the ones in the big cage.

As it turned out we had a bit of an adventure as my friend's car had turned cranky over the last week and it's mood did not improve during the journey. It will not reverse when the reverse gear is set nor will it start if the engine is turned off for a while. So it was AAM and phone calls and all kinds of tricks. The funny thing is while waiting for AAM, it decided to move.

We have our hearts in our mouth throughout the journey. Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to get to Melaka without any hitches as we took care not to switch off the engine, even when we stopped enroute for refreshments. It was rather late by the time we got to my house in Melaka and the first thing we did was to call in my regular mechanice there to take a look at the engine. It seems the transmission fluid was drained and while this an be easily topped up in the short term, the mechanice advised my friend to take her car in to her regular garage for a complete check.

It was late by the time we got to the workshop for the mechanic to top up the transmission fluid. We went to P.Balak for dinner by the sea, just to unwind after quite a tensed experience during the day. It was simply lovely to see my babies again and I have to wait until tomorrow to visit my dad to see how he is getting on.

July 1 (Day 18 of cycle 4)

We went to the Pasar Tani in Alor Gajah to get some more supplies. I got some red dragon fruit to take to my dad and some of his favourite kuehs ( kueh tepong talam and seri muka pandan). We decided that it may not be a good idea to stress up my friend's car further and save her for the return trip to KL. We were fortunate that my friend RJ had also made a change of plan that will see her coming home to Melaka to visit her parents and son and she had offered to drive us to visit my dad.

We stopped for lunch at the ever popular Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and really od'ed on the fish - 3 types! I saw so many mouthwatering but spicy typical gulai kampung. There was Asam Pedas Ikan Pari ( a no-no), Asam Pedas Tetel ( another no-no as this is spicy and comprise of tasty unmentionables from the cow - assorted meats and tendons and fatty bits) and of course different kinds of gulai lomak cili api ( a BIG NO-NO) of ketam, ikan sembilang, ayam kampung and pucuk paku. Simple and delicious. As the pain of gastritis was still very fresh in my mind, I managed to will myself to not touch the assorted sambals and cili api and focussed on the Ikan Bakar and ulam-ulam.

My dad was having a nap when we got there. He looked fine but frail and seemed to have a lot on his mind. His face lit up when he saw the kuehs and dragon fruits but was too full as he had just had durians (!!). He is still very keen to start a dragon fruit plot and showed me the article that he read on it and it struck me as a viable project that now perked my interest. The cactus like plant will start bearing fruit after just 8 months, even shorter than a pregnancy! Hmmm, something worthwhile to pursue with a little bit more knowledge on the steps involved.

I decided to show off my current "look" and be real blase about it in front of my dad. I took off my scarf and showed him my head and told him I am okay with this as I know that by the 6th month after chemo, Insya Allah I should have a head of hair growing again. He seemed to handle it well especially when he sees that the "look" wasn't bothering me either. His 89th birthday is approaching soon and he asked if my sister from the UK is coming back this year. We always have a cake for him and pulut kuning with curry for family members, taking care to cook extra as cousins and relatives would also drop by. He will enjoy staying with us for a couple of days then, and this time around it will be a few days before my final chemo.

Something bugged me after the visit. It seems one of the kampung folks had visited him and mentioned that his payments were overdue (which is not correct as he is up to date) and was going to offer to take him to the bank for him to draw his money out. Thank God my dad was quite cautious and alert and told him that he had just paid. I am still wondering how I should handle this - get involved and find out why that had to take place or just keep out of it but strongly advise my dad not to go to the bank to draw his money out unless accompanied by his own children or trustworthy relatives.

We left for KL soon after RJ sent us back to my house. On the way we stopped by her place (she has a lovely house right in the middle of a 3 acre dusun) for durians-loads of it! I have been told durians and cancer don't agree, so I just sampled 3 "ulas" (lumps??) and drank lots of air suam with a pinch of salt to nullify the "heatiness", or so it seems.

The trip back was another tensed ride - we were so scared that the car might stall along the highway, with the cargo of desktop, shopping from the Pasar Tani and some durians that RJ had packed for my friend's son. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise that I have blisters over my lips and tongue or else I will be blissfully slopping over the exotic/authentic durian kampungs. My helper managed to "harvest" some bunga kantan, cili padi, bananas and rambutans to bring to KL. She had actually climbed up the tree to get to the ripened ones as most of the fruits are still green.

I was totally zonked out when we reached KL. There was a steady stream of traffic on the road all the way to KL and at places we were caught in a crawl but thankfully the car held on.

In Melaka, we have been eating out so I was not able to get my diet of kacang botol (cooked) and rebusan tulang but I pray that my blood count will be okay on July 3, that I will not need boosters and that my 5th chemo will go on schedule. I hope my blisters will be sorted out by then as I have been patiently applying the Gengigel gel that is supposed to accelerate healing of tissues in the mouth and gums. Having nausea and loss of appetite will be a real challenge if the blisters do not ease up as it will make feeding my system more difficult. I am also beginning to be concious of twitchings ( sometimes a wee bit stinging) in my surgery area and I hope it is part of the healing process. I will ask my breast surgeon when I see her next if it is normal or something that needs further investigation. Cancer exposes me to different kinds of pain that before I might have taken lightly, not knowing that such sufferings can be a major source of discomfort . But Insya Allah, are part of the temporary tests and dugaan.

Day 15 - A Clean Bill Of Health

2007-06-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

June 28 (Day 15 of Cycle 4)

I had to get up real early today to be at Wangsa Maju by 8 am. However, my plan was foiled because we had to re-do my breakfast. I usually prefer to prepare my own if I am having breakfast at home, that way everything is really freshly prepared-juice, toasts, perfect soft boiled eggs, fresh fruits. It is only when I feel really unwell and groggy that my helper will prepare them for me. Vik is good but she still needs a lot of training with soft boiled eggs.

To most people soft boiled eggs are simple to prepare. What an illusion. Nigella Lawson, and a few other world class chefs take pains to include how to soft boil an egg in their cookbooks! I somehow managed to grab that skill ( so she says) that I can beat the nearby Kopi Tiam any time. But with Vik-it is either sticky boiled , hard boiled or almost raw. I can take a raw telur ayam kampung any time but a huge town-laid egg is a bit too gooey for me.

So back to this morning, I was late for my 8 am appointment because we had to re-do breakfast. Thank God the person I was going to meet was very understanding. I must look for the egg timer so Vik can use that as a guide. I had a lot of practice preparing 2 soft-boiled eggs every morning for my dad and get complimented almost all the time except when he was in a cranky mood.

When I got back from my appointment, I picked up Vik to bring her to the Medical Center for the doctor to review the results of her medical examination recently. She was given a clean bill of health, so it was a relief. She said I have nothing to worry about, no hepatitis, no chest or lung infection. Her cholestrol needs watching as it is a bit on the hight side for a 26 year old, and she needs to lose 7-8 kgs. She doesn't look fat, just stout but apparently she is 60 kgs and heavier than I am.

I had to gently counsel her on that as she does love to munch and I do have a lot of titbits and snacks around the house which I encourage her to help herself to before they expire their shelf lives. This girl is very jolly and likes to laugh and she kept saying that her weight is due to the birth control shots that her doctor in Java gives her every 3 months. So, I told her, she will not need those shots here for the next 2 years so I expect to see her lose some weight....and she laughs....Maybe when she gets hit by homesickness and missing her kids and husband she will loose some weight?

Anyway, a happy helper is a rajin helper. All my kitchen utensils and pots and pans are polished to shine like new silver! I don't really care if she wants to eat a lot but if it is going to be unhealthy for her then I need to supervise her a bit, just as she is keeping a watching brief on me to make sure I don't touch chillis, sambals and hot curries.

The saga with the bowel movement continues, and I am resorting to magic bullets which provide their own kind of "entertainment" for me in the mornings. Not delicate enough to be elaborated on in a cancer blog. I am pleading to my body now to go easy on me and I hope it is listening. I am looking forward to see my dad and babies this weekend, Insya Allah.

Day 14 - All over town

2007-06-27T05:10:00.000-07:00

Jun 27 (Day 14 of Cycle 4)

My nose is running again and my head feels heavy on one side. I did not feel fit enough to go walking this morning and decided not to push my luck and instead stayed in all morning.

I realise that Azean Irdawaty of the Datin Diaries series on local tv is going to have her mastectomy done today. I pray for her and for anyone else undergoing similar surgeries and hope everything from here on will run smoothly for them. I would visit her if she is in KLH but it seems she has checked into the hospital in Putrajaya.

After saving up my energy in the morning, I spent all afternoon going to Rawang with a couple of buddies to check out on a couple of things. It was just as well I wasn't driving as I started sneezing all over again and my nose was running and my eyes teary. I must have used up almost a whole box of Kleenex. It's more like an allergy rather than flu.

I had asked Vik to defrost a pack of minced beef and brown them with garlic and chopped onions while I was gone. When I got back we got a nice ragu sauce going for a simple pasta dinner. I taught her how to make a mixed fruit and vegetable salad using carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, green apples, raisins, cashews and almonds with a storebought honey musteard salad dressing. She is becoming quite good and cooked the spaghetti just nice, al dente. I hope the beefy sauce will help with my blood count.

Tomorrow I will need an early start as I have to be in Wangsa Maju by 8 am on some personal errands. So I will need to retire early. Which is just as well as all the sneezing is really squeezing the wind out of my sails. I hope I will be back in time to get to the Medical Center to review Vik's medical report that will be ready by 12 noon tomorrow. I hope everything is fine and that the reports will reconfirm the medical clearance given by Fomema earlier.

My chemo arm is still sore and the daily massage with Minyak Gamat and Minyak Pala continues....I pray and hope that it will be ready and receptive for the next chemo cycle next week. My nails have not gone all blue, just partially, loking as though I have stained them with blue ink. In fact some of them look as though I have just caught my fingers in a door which have just been banged shut. They look kind of "dirty" looking. I have some henna in a tube that I could apply I suppose to make my nails look more appealing.

What I am so thankful for is that except on a few rare occasions due to gastritis, I have been able to enjoy a good night's sleep on most nights, and that I am aware, is very important for recovery. Insya Allah I hope this will continue. I am quite used to all the discomfort from the various chemo side-effects and so far the ones that really nagged at my sense of wellbeing are the thrombo veins in my chemo arm and my sore bottom. I hope these will improve over time, and not indicative of anything more serious. Nauzubillah.

Day 13 - Documents, Documents, Documents

2007-06-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

June 26 (Day 13 of Cycle 4)

Well, today is Day 14 as Day 9 was on June 22 when I had my interim blood count. I took Vik to the Bank nearby (we walked) to open a joint-account so that she can bank in her first pay. The staff at the bank were so helpful, we just sat and read up their brochures while they did everything for us. All they needed was my MyKad and Vik's passport. It was quick and soon she has her own passbook which I told her I would keep for safe custody.

My friend UZUN and her poisoned son joined me for lunch at home. Lunch was kerabu kacang botol, sup tulang with carrots, fried tempe and sambal udang(wooops! I just sampled some for taste, it is more for the guest). My friend's son had food poisoning and was really contorted in pain ( also I think he needed attention from his Mum). He had been to the doctor's who gave him some tablets earlier in the morning and as there was no improvement, I suggested they go again for a second opinion. It was only recently that one of my nephews had severe tummy pains, my sis-in-law thought it was just that and gave him painkillers and a few hours later he was warded for appendicitis and had to undergo surgery.

UZUN happens to also be my Insurance Agent, so we took some time(while her son went to the doctor's again) to sort out my Insurance matters. I have papers all over my living room furniture trying to sort out what have been processed and what were outstanding. Being ill is one thing and having insurance is another. And even with insurance, if one is not organised enough, it will be so easy to lose track of what has been processed and not.

So far I have been very organised and systematic and my filing system for all the receipts and payments are up to date. I also maintain a running total of what I have incurred to date, what has been paid for by Insurance and what was for my own account (the co-payment). I have a bunch of payments unprocessed as I prefer to accumulate up to what the time constraint per policy terms can allow. I realise that one claim submitted has yet to be processed by the company and will require follow up. I felt annoyed that they did not acknowledge receipt of my submission, more than a month ago and will be exactly 2 months by July 7. I hope the package wasn't lost in transition even though it was hand delivered via my agent.

My appetite is back and so is my energy level. My digestive system seems fine but bowel movements still causing early morning woes. I hope this is not indicative of anything more serious. I am no longer constipated but bowel movements are painful and toe-curling. I experienced a throbbing headache on one side of my head and did not take anything for it as I was advised that I take paracetemol only upon doctor's advice and presription and not at my whim and fancy. Maybe it was due to the catching-up reading I had been doing as the prints on the books were really tiny, even with my reading glasses on.

Oh well, at least I am no longer nauseous and the bloaty feeling had truly gone. I continue with gentle massage on my chemo arm as I feel as though I am helping my body prepare for the next chemo cycle.

Kakak came last night and I had asked her about the black stuff that Vik found in my luggage closet at the top of the built in wardrobes in my bedroom. We agreed that it was a puzzle how the stuff ( which looks like black flakes of something, no smell, with a gritty feel) got up there as I had the top shelves cleaned up late last year before all the luggage bags were stored up there. She said "Kalau orang kampung jumpa macam ini boleh risau, dek. Tapi tak tahu lah orang KL....jangan buang dulu, nanti Kakak nak tanya orang".

The plot thickens. I had asked Vik (who discovered it when cleaning the louvres-like wardrobe doors) to collect the black dust and put it in a plastic container. I have absolutely no clue what it is and howit got up there. If I allow my imagination to really run wild, I could imagine that it might be dried cat poo? But my cats will not poo on any surface as they are used to using the litter tray. Even if I had been late with the litter tray they might, if desperate, choose to let go on my fluffy bathroom mat, never on a floor.

Besides, if it is cat poo, how on earth would either Ashley, Putri or Troy jumped 10 feet high, keep themselves suspended in mid-air to open the closet door (even I have to expend a lot of energy to pull the door open towards me and use a ladder) and then poo, jump out and push the door close? Troy can't even jump up onto the piano with one attempt what more a top closet 10 ft high? With my sharper than sharp sense of smell, I would have detected it ages ago if it had been possible that it was them. But my 6th sense tells me it is not cat poo as cat poo will not turn black, and how the h...would it get up there anyway? My cats are very special ( they really can understand me) but they don't have wings to fly!

It doesn't bother me as much as it is now bothering Kakak. But I certainly am quite curious to get to the bottom of this.

Day 12 - back on the move...

2007-06-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

June 25 (Day 12 of Cycle 4)

I am back on my feet again. This morning I did double rounds of the established walking circuit around my area and was puffing away like a dragon (?) by the time I reached my front gate. But I felt good. Soon, I should be able to build up my stamina again and join that joyful group on their Bukit Kiara rounds. I used to be able to do a few rounds of that just not too long ago but coping with chemo somewhat affected my physical and on certain days even my mental strength.

As I am not being supported by boosters to recharge my system and blood for the next chemo on July 5, I have to make doubly sure that I get enough physical exercise, follow a proper diet that will support that mission and enjoy a proper rest and try to avoid negative stress or any triggers to negative stress. Living in KL, a city with bloodcurdling traffic jams and cafes and restaurants with every possible eats under the sun, it requires a lot of restraint. So I make it a point that even if I am out on the move, I will try to eat least one proper meal at home and while on the move, to eat only cooked dishes with adequate vegetables and proteins. And continue with plenty of fresh fruits and nutty nibbles. I am quite excited and hopeful to see a good outcome sans booster. Insya Allah.

A typical good and proper diet for me this time would be something like this:
Upon waking up, a glass of pure water (Zam Zam if in supply ), and a spoonful of Manuka honey - before washing my mouth. After solat, a brisk morning walk around the entire housing area, and back to a freshly prepared breakfast of 2 soft boiled eggs with 1 or 2 pieces of wholemeal toasts. Fresh fruit of choice would follow with a mug of Horlicks. Centrum multivite and fish oil tablet would follow.

Lunch would be usually a scoop of rice with a meat (beef, liver, fish or chicken) dish and a vegetable dish(bayam, kacang botol, pucuk paku(midin), brocolli, carrot, sawi, choy sum, water cress, pumpkin, cauliflower, peria). Followed by fresh fruit of choice and I would drink home-made beef stock from beef bones stewed with chinese red dates.

Tea - time of weakness actually. I could pick up some kuehs from wherever I was coming from and this could range from bubur kacang to currypuffs. My guilt would be washed over with green tea and more fresh fruits and nuts.

Dinner would be similar to lunch in terms of the food types but we will make an effort to freshly prepare dinner dishes instead of cooking extra helpings at lunch time. I might as well test out my new helper's culinary skills and have freshly prepared food and not reheated lunch left overs.

Do I crave for sambals, curries and laksa? YEEESSS! But common sense prevails and it is just for another month or so that I need to restraint my taste buds. They have really gone haywire and melons which are sweet to others are sour or bitter to me.

I am also taking advantage of these good moments pre-next chemo to catch up on the things that I would be doing otherwise. I had enrolled and signed up on a couple of personal projects to enhance my skills and knowlege in activities that are near and dear to my heart. All shelved but I must try to catch up slowly so that by the time chemo is history, Insya Allah, I can slip back into a productive routine. Human nature is such that we get used to things so easily that sometimes getting out of a set pattern is rather difficult.

The bloaty feeling has somewhat lessened but the thrombo arm is still bugging me. I am now wondering if the lab will be able to draw blood painlessly on July 3, ( to determine if booster is required for July 5 chemo) and again on July 5 (which is the routine blood test done on the same morning as the chemo). It is a lovely coincidence that 5th chemo is on July 5. And again very coincidental that if I were somehow to get admitted on July 5 in case the 5th cycle is difficult, then I will be spending my birthday the next morning, waking up to breakfast in hospital...!?!

I spent most of the day going around town to keep up on promises made and to check out on a couple of things at my own leisure. I am so thankful yet again that those down moments last week had bit vanished and I am feeling so much better. My sister and niece will be spending their summer vacation in KL while nephew and Dad will be doing some man stuff in Europe. I am thinking that by the time I am done with my last chemo on July 27, I might want to go somewhere nice with them and Ijan my brother just to chill out and recharge before facing 25 daily doses of radiation. We are looking at places in Asia that we could explore and discover.

This coming weekend, Insya Allah , if the plan works out, I will be in Melaka to see my dad and babies. I am giving away my antique Acer desktop (1995 model which used to cost RM7999, okay 8 thousand) to my friend's young son and the condition is his mother will drive me to Melaka to collect it personally!! It is still in good working order though very bulky and imposing, and all they need to do is upgrade the memory in the hardisk. I look forward to show my dad that I have coped so far and he need not worry about me. It will be nice to go to that Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and fish around for freshly hauled fish at Pantai Kundur to bring to KL to stock up my freezer.

My nephew and nieces from Shah Alam will be coming for dinner one of these evenings with their family. When they see me next I would be back to my normal self and not the limp lettuce that was on the phone with them last week telling them that she was to tired and weak to receive visitors.

Day 11 - House-bound activities

2007-06-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

June 24 (day 11 of Cycle 4)

1.Panforte De Sienna - Exp 12/2000 (Bought in Sienna Italy in Aug 2000)

2.Turkish Delight Lokum with Double Pistachio -Exp 2000 (Bought in Istanbul 1999)

3.Tapenade of Green Olives, Lemon, Garlic - Exp June 2000 ( Bought en-route Italy/France/England 2000)

4.Abba Laxpastej Salmon spread -Exp Jan 2007 (Bought Ikea KL s'time in 2006)

5.Harissa Le Phare Du Cap Bon- Exp Nov 1999 (Bought at a Moroccon Restaurant in Paris while consumed with ambition to try out at home the exotic lamb cous-cous Morocco is famous for)

6.Several vacuum packed metal containers of Emborg cheeses-Brie/Camembert/Rocquefort - Exp ranging from 2003 to early 2007 bought during supermarket trips in various supermarkets in KL)

7.Wasabi - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Tokyo in 1999 when after a few days of hotel and Japanese food, I needed something spicy to lace my snacks in the hotel room)

8.Garlic Paste - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Italy during EuroCamp camping trip with sister's family in 2000).

9.Tomato Paste -Tube - ditto-

10. Lots of bars of chocolates, candies, fudges, all expired in 2000-2006.

11. Lots of herbal and food supplements ( thankfully with more shelf life butI had to stop taking them so as not to clash with my chemo regimen for now)

12.
All the above are still unopened and look brand new and inviting still as they were lodged somewhere deep in the recesses of my refrigerator and my brain. The whole lot filled a nice little basket and could be dressed up into a nice hamper....to be given to someone contemplating suicide or sudden death?

I came back from my morning walk with the Sunday papers and found Vik my helper laughing helplessly. I had told her to empty the fridge of all its contents so that I could go through and sort out what needs to go as the fridge was beginning to be cluttered. My instruction was anything raw (fruits or vegetables ) that do not look fresh, just chuck them in the bin and for packed items, toss out anything that has expiry dates before June 2007.

She found it really amusing that I have so many interesting items in the fridge "tapi semua tarikh mati, Buk!". The older the item, the funnier it was to her and she would scream " Buk, tanggal 1999 pun ada, Buk....!". Anyway, I now have a bagful of absolutely normal looking souvenier food items from trips abroad that would have been absolutely scrumptious had I the time to enjoy them ( I would have bought more than 1 and given away a few to friends and family upon return from the trips and the ones in the fridge are my own allocation). I will decide it I give them to Alam Flora or have a "Try If You Dare" party at home one of these days.

My friend H came by for breakfast. We had been planning to meet up for a while and when she heard that I was craving for Beef Serunding and Kelantanese Keropok, she came by to bring some. In return, I treated H to a Kopitiam breakfast at P.Damas, 2 eggs perfectly half-boiled and roti kahwin with a cup of steaming Hainan coffee.

I spent the afternoon catching up on my reading and browsing through the Sunday papers. Another old school friend came by to visit and it was another round of catching up on what's been happening and juicing up on the latest gossips and happenings in town. Hubby just bought her a birthday gift and she was testing it out on her own...a tow toned red/black Mini Clubman that looked really neat as she is rather petite. She had lost her sis-in-law to BC and shared her story on that. It was quite sad as that was about 6 months after she had a baby and even though the doctor estimated that she had 2 years before succumbing to the disease, it had metastasized and she did not respond well to her treatment.

Vik, my helper prepared some tempe-based snacks which was quite delicious and the snacks kept us fueled for rather interesting debates and discussions too sensitive to be captured in a cancer-related Blog. Except for prayer breaks, we really yakked our lives away as though there is no tomorrow, and
Vik kept topping up the table with different snacks as though to keep us going. It was after Maghrib when we dispersed and I decided that I should not go to the weekly Pasar Malam in Bangsar. The fridge inventory this morning indicated that I have enough stock to last for at least another week of cooking. Besides, I really should avoid going out too much when my body is without boosters at its lowest wbc period.

I stayed in to plan for the week and hope to go to the NCSM building tomorrow to catch up with Adeline Joseph and meet up with whoever might be in the support center tomorrow. I also want to find out if anyone has any plans to provide some support to actress Azean Irdawaty, who had recently been diagnosed as a Stage 3 BC and due for mastectomy at KLH this coming Wednesday. It doesn't sound like she has insurance and her mention in the Sunday papers that as an actress she has not been provided with Socso and EPF options, so I hope the financial situation will not cause her additional stress. I can imagine her anxiety and how worried her children must be. As a fellow BC patient, I pray for her that the operation will be smooth and that her recovery speedy so she can proceed with her chemo. If by any chance I meet her and find out that she is not using a chemo port, I will certainly share with her my personal experience of Thrombophlebitis.

Day 10 - Lots of Catching up to do

2007-06-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

June 23 (Day 10 of Cycle 4)

It is day 10 when my wbc is supposed to be at it's lowest, at the bottom of a "V" graph if I were to plot one. The mission between now and July 3 is to see if my body will start to recover and build up on its own the wbc which have been hammered by the 4th cycle chemo drugs. I felt quite excited to see the outcome of this "experiment" and at the same time will give my body all the help it needs via a proper diet (blood enhancing one) and plenty of rest and avoiding crowds and sick people ( ie people who are sick who can infect m, and people who can make me sick and stress me and depress my immunity further).

In other words, stay at home. However, with my low moods lifted and I am close to feeling "normal" it is difficult to stay home. Luckily a friend who just returned from a biztrip in Bali called me up for breakfast and we ended up at Marmalade in Mt K. where there were more people there. It was nice to catch up that I forgot all about the MPH monthly breakfast club meet at BV 2 which would have been a good way to pass the time, until a friend sms-ed me to check if I was going. My breakfast ended in time for lunch and it was too late to go to BV2.

Some friends visited in the afternoon and Vik prepared her specialty-Meehoon goreng. We certainly yakked away and I was also trying to catch up on my reading ( imagine I didn't read any book pages since the chemo on June 14!). No wonder my mind felt clogged up like a stuck drain, and the chemo didn't help of course. I was trying to finish up a very depressing but inspirational book about life in a Nazi concentration camp and how, despite all adversities and death staring them in the face every second of the day , these people survived through the physical and mental anguish and torture. During the last 10 days the book spoilt my moods instead of improving it or inspiring me so I flung it under the bed because I did not want to see it. With my recharged mood, I fished it out again and completed it. It was funny how Vik placed the book on my bed whn she found it when doing my room and I kept flinging it under the bed, and she kept putting it back on my bed. This went on for days....

My bloated tummy feeling persisted and eating was still a problem. When my friends ( a trio of sisters, Mums on their evening out solo without their families who have their own programs) sms-ed to say they were going banana leaf for dinner after maghrib and if I wanted to join them, I jumped at the idea. My 3 guests and I trooped over to Nirvana Maju in Bangsar and we had a lovely banana leaf dinner washed down with ginger serbat.

It was close to 11 when we got back. Golden girls on ther night out and no one would have guessed that one of them is a real fuss-pot chemo patient trying to get some decent food in her tummy without burping in public. We seemed to bump into everyone that night. My friend's son must be so, so bored being the only male in the group and surely must have wished that he was at home watching Astro or surfing the net...But if he had been really listening to what was being discussed at the table that night, he would realise that even the internet and www would not have been able to supply as much information as provided by the conversation that night. I almost fainted when one of the ladies asked me if I want to go for supper before they send me home!

Day 9 - A pleasant "surprise"?

2007-06-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

June 22 (Day 9 of Cycle 4)

I was at the Medical Center by 8.30 am to get my interim blood count done and to get my new helper to have her medical check up run all over again, at the same medical center. For RM 180 I get them to run a 50 point check on her blood profile, chest xray, ECG,Urine and Physical Examination with a review with a doctor when the results are out in 5 day's time. I just wanted to rule out the contagious and infectious diseases which are not obvious, like TB and Hepatitis. I hope it will be a confirmatory all clear of earlier tests taken. I have heard of a number of horror stories where the maids were supposedly healthy and later found suffering from TB ( which doesn't happen overnight or in a a few months either) and worse, being pregnant!

As for my own tests and reviews that day, things seem to go wrong or right, depending on how I wish to look at it. First of all, we had a problem trying to get my blood sample as my veins were buried within the puffiness of my forearm. When we found one, the nurse was struggling to position the needle in order to suck blood out of me, and when she did , it was slow and painful. It seems the flow was slow. I refuse to let my mind indulge in that thought as already I was fast-forwarding to what it might be like for cycle chemo#5.

Then, I had to wait a l-o-n-g time to see the Onco even though the blood results were out an hour later. That was fine with me as Vik my helper was being tested for all her tests and will take a couple of hours before she is done. It was very kind of the folks at the Pathlab counter to help with the logistics as I was't able to take her around. There was a crowd and my regular Onco was in China and they had to wait for the relieving doctor to come over from another private medical center.

He came in about 11 am and there were a few chemo patients to see him before they proceed with their day's chemo. When it was my turn, it was a pleasant surprise to find that it is one of the doctors that I had earlier consulted for my nth opinion on to chemo-or-not to chemo at a private center. It was nice that he remembered me. I consulted him on my list of issues and concerns and he reviewed my file and case, and did a quick physical of my thrombo arm and looked for any signs of water retention and other puffiness.

It was interesting that in the same quest to ensure patients' wellbeing and optimise medical care, doctors have different approaches and belief systems.
This doctor reviewed my blood test results which read 2.3 for my wbc, and told me that I do not need to have boosters done. I was both pleased and concerned. Pleased because neupogen gave me backaches and I had to lie flat on the floor to ease the pains because movements caused jolting and shooting pains which come and go sporadically and when I least expected them. Concerned because, what happens if the wbc count do not go back to baseline level of 6.4 or at least to more than 3, will my 5th chemo be deferred? The doctor assured me that 2.3 is not critical, and I don't need booster now but I can come again on July 3 which is 2 days before chemo to check if the reading is 3 or less. He wants to test my body's natural response and recovery capabilities without any articifial growth factor's aid. If really necessary, we can get the boosters done on July 3 in time for the body to receive the next wave of chemo.

Hmm, I thought. It made sense and why not? I told the doctor that I wouldn't mind being experimented on if in his medical opinion that it is pefectly safe to do so. He reassured me it is. I am not sure what my regular Onco will say about all this but it will be interesting to hear when I see him on July 3 ( if he is not travelling that is).

I spent the rest of the day at home knowing that without any boosters for days 9 and 10, my wbc will be at their lowest and that is when I would be most vulnerable to infections. My sneezing slowed down somewhat perhaps due to the Scotts Cod Liver Oil. The doctor did not prescribe anything for it and told me to manage my problem with the post-constipation woes with the existing medication from the Pharmacy. If the symptoms persists by the next visit, he suggests I ask for atomic enemas, whatever they are.

All evening I was exchanging sms-es with chemo buddies and comparing notes on current cycles. And ended up as confused before I started!

Day 8 of Cycle 4 - Manageable

2007-06-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

June 21 (Day 8 of Cycle 4)

Aaahtchooo...!

There were several "aaahtchoos" during the night and I woke up with the onset of a flu. It has been ages since I last was affected by flu. The signs now could be indicative of stress or lowered immunity or both. Both are possible given the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing the last week or so and to the impact of the increased dosage of Epirubicin at chemo time.

The full, bloated feeling continues even though similar to the past few days, I did not eat too much. In fact, I couldn't eat much because I feel full very quickly even before I consumed my plateful of lunch or dinner. This morning, I woke up rather early as I felt nausea welling up in me for no apparent reason and had to sit up in bed until it is time to wake up. I was full of gas and although burping did not come naturally, I could easily coax the gas and flatulence out by massaging my back and shoulders. It is weird.

I pushed myself out of bed and decided to snap out of my moody doldrums today. Enough is enough. I was beginning to feel like a stranger, I couldn't recognise me. I told my helper not to prepare breakfast as I wanted to go for a long reflective walk and will have breakfast on the way back.

It was a reflective walk, not by any means a brisk, energetic walk but a very engaging walk. In complete contrast to what I felt yesterday, my foggy chemo mind somewhat cleared and I continued seeking guidance on how to recollect my composure. This is only the 4th cycle, I have 2 more to be tested on and I can't go it alone without God's help and blessings to enable me to manage the challenges. I can't go it alone and no one else can help me in this as a lot of the energy is mental, spiritual and internal.

I sense that the next one is not going to be any easier and setting my mind to a stronger tolerance level of anticipated harder times may be one way to manage, Insya Allah. I keep reminding myself that God will only challenge us according to our capacity and it is our job to prove ourselves to Him.

If there was a camera floowing me during my walk, I suspect it would have captured my endless sneezing and burpings and me looking amused each time it happened. That's because I made heads turn...not because of my bald head ( I put on a baseball cap) but because of my freeform and unabashed sneezings and burpings. I sure hope when I grow my hair back none of these people that crossed my path this morning will remember it was me that they had bumped just months back behaving "strangely"!

I decided to treat myself to a nasi lemak and horlicks at the stalls on Jalan 1, at the popular corner stall. No spicy sambal, just a touch with a small helping of beef rendang. I was reading the papers when a group descended on my table ( I had sat away from the crowd, just in case since I was sneezing away anyway) and one of them politely asked if the seats are taken. The group of about 6 joined me at the table and somehow we got talking about exercise.

The remarkable part of this encounter is that I had actually found myself a group that does yoga every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Bt Kiara Club as the only lady in the group is a Yoga instructor and the rest are her walking buddies who get free lessons from her! Ya Allah, God is really great. Yesterday, I was thinking hard about wanting to start on this to get the benefits from the meditative and breathing aspects, and my prayers were answered in a most coincidental way.

It made me reflect how Allah has designed this, since He is all knowing and all Compassionate. Had I not gone for my walk this morning and instead wallowed in bed feigning tiredness and moodiness, I would not have run into these new friends. They said they meet every morning to walk at Bt Kiara track and then they have breakfast everyday at the very stall that I had chosen to stop for breakfast this morning.

They sound like a cheery bunch and promised to introduce me to one of their buddies next week who happened to have just completed treatment for BC as well except that she did not opt for chemotherapy. It will be interesting to find out how she reached that decision and why and how she is coping so far. At 48 and an early Stage 1, I am quite surprised that her doctor did not recommend chemotherapy. And then again, maybe the doctor did but she opted not to.

I spent the day reflecting on what I need to discuss with my Onco tomorrow after my interim FBC. He had requested for the FBC to be on day 9 instead of the customary day 10 as he expects the increased dosage to really hammer my WBC. I will also bring Vik my helper along as I wanted her to undergo an independent non-fomema medical check-up. She appears hale and hearty but I just wanted to be doubly sure, for both her sake and mine. I had wanted to have it done last week but had forgotten to tell her to fast, and naturally the tests couldn't be completed.

The week flitted by so quickly despite the quirks and before I know it next week will Insya Allah be a high energy week and hopefully I will be able to get involved in some meaningful activities...and drive around more comfortably!

Days 6 and 7 of Cycle 4 - adventurous but moody

2007-06-20T03:40:00.000-07:00

June 19 (Day 6 of Cycle 4)

I had made an appointment to meet with a Financial Cnsultant to see what he has for me. I usually look forward to such cerebral discussions and keeping up to date with how others are managing their finances, if only to re-assure that I am not too conservative.

However, after my morning walk to get the morning papers, I felt all bloated up and I did not feel better even after my shower. I decided to play it safe and called him up to re-schedule and instead ended up resecheduling it to later in the afternoon at home. So, at least I felt it was a somewhat productive day and not one that just passed me by. Too many days have passed me by with nothing much to account for it, except that I am thankful that such "idle" days would normally be a luxury in the normal scheme of things.

I have used up all the post-chemo medication that the doctor gave me-the Emend, Ducolax and Dexamethasone. With no medication to prompt my system to feel "better", I felt yet again robbed of energy, taste buds and enthusiasm. Again the thought of food made me queasy and I dreaded the moments when Vik my helper came up with the twice daily inevitable question..."Buuk.....nak masak apa, Buuk?"

I had degenerated from someone full of ideas on days 1 through 5 and now, whenever she asked me, I would make a face and point to my tummy and tell her "Awak masak lah apa yang awak nak makan....buatkan saya IndoMie dan rebus sawi banyak-banyak." I would then try to force down a bottle of Brand's essence of chicken or Haruan essence for my proteins.

Aaagh...I know there is a reason for this. Maybe it is to see how my helper can cope without specific instructions. So far, she has been quite creative except that her creativity almost always include some "cabei'k which I couldn't help but touch and then paid for it by having burping fits in the night, which needed to be pacified with half a mug of warm horlicks. No more "cabeik".

I have put on yet another kg at the pre-chemo weighing in session and I couldn't really understand why. I have small helpings at meals, just a scoop of rice and plenty of vegetables and fruits and I no longer indulge in cakes and pastries, so why the weight gain? Granted, I am not up and about as before and spent half the time between chemos being plastered on my sofa either reading or on the phone or doing absolutely nothing sometimes, but I do keep active during periods of high energy.

I was at the Yoga center yesterday making inquiries about targetted therapy ie asking if they could tailor some exercises for me given my stiff and swollen arms. I was told that they actually have a doctor who could advise on this, and I was provided some reading materials to browse before my session. I have not heard from my friend who was going to organise early morning yoga at her place. She had indicated that if we have at least 5 persons, we could arrange for a Yoga teacher to conduct the session in her nice garden. I hope she is okay...she must be as I heard her cookie business is doing well!

June 20 (Day 7 of Cycle 4)

I felt bored to the teeth. My morning walk was uneventful as I found that I wasn't able to think happy and nice thoughts during the walk, no matter how hard I tried. Was it the sight of elderly people being taken for walks on wheelchairs or walkers alongside their maids? It made me think of old age and how lonely that time of life can be and how sad that people have to pay people to care for them even when they have their own kin...I think of my father.

How soon will I get better and feel "normal" again? And when I do, will be be close to my "normal" self or will I change. This trial that God has assigned to me, what will it bring at the end of it all? Should I fry my brains to work out the possibilities and stand to be disappointed if none of them turn out the way I would desire them? Or should I just relax, and go with the flow and be thankful of whatever outcome knowing that whatever it is going to be, it is part of His plan?

At times I feel that I am tempting fate by defining Plans A and B, knowing pretty well and accepting pretty well that we can only plan but the actual realisation of the so-called plans is very much in the hands of the Almighty. So, it is back to living for the day especially during rollercoaster moody days like this. My nephew and nieces from Shah Alam had called to say they wanted to come visit today. But because I am feeling so yucky, I had to be really honest and told them that I am not up for guests today because I don't want them to feel down by being with me. They have not seen me since chemo and I do not like that what they will see is not going to be the "normal" aunty that they know. I am not up to dragging them down to the low moods I am feeling. They sound disappointed when I told them but I sure hope they understand.

Tomorrow, I am seeking an opinion on why my wrist remains swollen since a day after chemo. It is not hurting but I am not able to see my veins as my palm, wrist and forearms appear bloated (water-retention?) and really looks like a huge baby's hand. I hope there is a comforting explanation and that I will not be given more medication. I am just tired of taking in this and that as it seems that there is no end to what my body needs to make it feel settled.

This is again another dilemma for patients managing side-effects of chemotherapy. Side-effects mean the drugs are really hitting hard and therefore "working" but one must be strong to manage the side-effects. If one is not, then fret not, there are more drugs to lessen the side-effects but in turn, these have their own side-effects. So the chain never ends and we end up going around in circles. It makes me wonder if God meant for us to actually grin and bear the side-effects without the secondary drugs in the first place. After all, that is what being "strong" and having faith is all about, and not to "give up" by resorting to various "aids"?

I am actually too tired to reason this out for now....and I just need a good proper rest....which is very different from just being plastered onto the sofa. I really dislike being in this mood....must get out of it soon. I drove out to the nearby Shopping Center to the bookshop and how strange that the books didn't inspire me as usual! Instead I went to the Supermarket downstairs and got some stuff which appeared appetising but which I now look at with qualms, even after my poor helper had turned them into something she considers to be "enak".

Azmi...., get out of this soon, girl! Maybe I feel better after the booster this Friday, Insya Allah.

Days 3, 4 and 5 of Cycle 4 - zonked!

2007-06-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

June 18 (Day 5 of Cycle 4)

I am feeling rather sloppy for not keeping up with the daily blog entry but I have been conscientous about updating the medical journal on a daily basis. Reasons for the sloppiness is an inability to sit up for a an extended period at my desk and also the awkward feeling in my rather swollen wrist (right) over the weekend. If the swelling does not subside after gentle massage with medicated oil, it will definitely warrant another call or visit to the doctors. My palm and fingers look cute and chubby, just like a plump baby's, except that plump babies don't feel a tightness or stiffness in their fingers. The stiffness made it a bit difficult to type without being conscious of the nagging swelling. I am unable to fit my wrist watch ( which normally rolls around my wrist) onto my right wrist.

I spent the entire day just resting, flat out on the sofa after my brother Ijan and friend RJ left for Melaka. Ijab was here to join the garage sale with a small collection of dvds that he no longer wanted to keep. Reading was out of the question as the words swim before my eyes and my guts started to well up if I sit up. So, another bout of Cleopatra posting to ease the queasy feeling. I couldn't really eat lunch, Sup Tulang, Choy Sam masak lemak and Ikan Goreng with onions and tomatoes so I got Vik to fry some ikan sepat to work up an appetite. It worked some.

I must have exerted myself unnecessarily on both Saturday and Sunday moving about instead of staying put.

Saturday June 16 (Day 3 of Cycle 4)

I was really gung-ho early in the morning after solat. I got Vik to pull out all the boxes from the store and I peeked inside to decide if the boxes should go to the porch for the garage sale. I have a lot of "competition" this time, as just down my road, 8 families pooled together to have their sale in one house so they had tons of stuff to offer.

2 of my friends joined my venue. It was fun to see the stuff clearing away and to realise that we have been keeping these items hoarded when others can really made use of them. I cleared designer sports bags, handbags and sports equipment (Tennis/Squash rackets) and loads of work clothes. Suits at RM10 (!!!) and tops at RM1-5 ! We also gave away some clothes free if someone buys a lot. I am left with a rack of clothes which which will be given away soon, perhaps to RSPCA. There were some old framed prints ( some originals) sold at RM 1 to little girls who were looking for Father's day gifts for their daddies.

I was totally exhausted by the time we were through about noon. Thank God Vik is around to help with sorting out the aftermath. My friends came by later to check out what's left. The heavens poured and I had some hungry friends trapped in the house. As it was a Saturday and I normally do grocery shopping on Sundays, we were lucky that Vik was able to put together a lil of this and a lil of that to come up with a simple but delicious bihun goreng. We ate ravenously, even me!

Sunday June 17 (Day 4 of Cycle 4)

It is Father's Day and I felt a bit sad that I was not able to visit and spend some time with my Dad at the home. The plan was to make a day trip with SNA but at the last minute something happened and she was unable to drive me there. I am one who is rather poor at dealing with last minute changes like this especially when I was looking forward to it but I had learnt to manage my expectations once I know that my plans are not my own anymore once I am hinged to assistance from others. I consoled myself by saying that once I get my booster shot done, we could make the trip another day and this time perhaps stay longer.

Sunday as usual is newspaper reading day, and I can't help feeling just slightly miserable reading about the various Father's Day celebrations undertaken by others with their fathers. I was not in the mood to call up any of my siblings to find out what their plans were as something tells me that what I hear may not help to make me feel any better.

Spent the evening at home with Ijan and my friend UZUN who dropped by about tea-time on her way to her hairdresser. The it was a night out at Bangsar for dinner as Ijan loves the food at Nirvana. I had the fried fish and went easy on the curry in case my tummy plays up again like the last time. ZZN and her daughter joined us at Nirvana and tired as I was, it felt good to be walking around in the cool night air buying some supplies for the week.

Someone mentioned that fish with scales are good to eat ( although I wasn't sure if we have to remove the scales or crisp-fry them so the scales can be ingested) for cancer. I must admit it is the first time I hear of this, but fish is not a drug and it is a protein, so I wouldn't mind giving it a try. We saw some fish at the night market that looked like the RM4 per piece ikan bulus goreng at Nirvana ( complete with fine scales) and we bought a tray at RM 10. After she cleaned the fish, Vik said she counted 31 pieces of fish, all for the price of RM 10 when just a while earlier 5 of us had a banana leaf meal for RM 50 with a drink, a fried fish each and a mutton curry for sharing!

I was totally zonked out by the time we got home and prayed for my dad that he wasn't too depressed or disappointed that no one went to see him today. I consoled myself that I had always tried my best to see him, Father's Day or not, so I shouldn't feel too guilty. But it is difficult not to.

Day 2 Cycle 4 - So, so lah

2007-06-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

Ashley's and Li Po's tete-a-tete:

Li Po: "Kak Ashley, heard Mama Mi is going for another Garage sale...what's with her, just 2 days after her 4th Chemo....where is she going to get the energy, she was normally plastered flat on her sofa dring the 5 early days..."

Ashley: "Don't worry lah Li Po...Mama Mi is an old ( if a little swollen) hand in this....she has some help to punggah all her barang, she just bark out the orders...If I know her well enough, she will only do this if she is certain she can cope....."

Li Po:" I know that...like the last time when she brought all 5 of us - Me, Tompok, Ms Gigit, Wati and Devi to be spayed so that she can get a good discount from the Vet! And the effort it took to manage us all until she packed us back to Kampung...she managed us beautifully even though all her friends were shaking their heads at how she can mange 5 cats in her KL link house..."

Ashley: "I trust her judgement...and I am sure she will wear a surgical mask or something at the first sign of a couging or hawking caller....or send Vik to deal with them and she remains behind the glass sliding door....don't worry, she'll manage....Insya Allah...she just wants to join the event as it was rather fun the last time..."

...end....

June 15 (Day 2 of Cycle 4)

I felt so-so, not too tired and took all medications as prescribed plus some Cod Liver Oil as I am beginning to have a phlegmy cough. The nausea persisted but not too acute and was manageable that I felt inclined to go to KLCC to run some errands at the bank and check out the mega sales. It took an hour to get to KLCC, I am sure glad I wasn't driving and it was the same on the way back. I would have passed out due to boredom and fatigue if I had been driving.

Lunch of beef teppanyaki at the food court ( I miss the foodcourt and cafes there from my working days) was nutritious but my tastebuds tasted absolutely nothing, just crunch, crunch, munch,munch and swallow for the goodness it will bring. I miss going for coffee and pastries nearby. Bumped into a couple of ex-colleagues who said they were guilty for not looking me up after they heard the news but they were "serba-salah" and did not know what to say. I think I understand what they went through as I have gone through the same before when I heard of people whom I know were jovial,. healthy and happy and felt awkward they should be in their situation but god had willed it that I was at a loss on what to say or offer, sometimes. Only when the person is really close to me will I be able to say something meaningful, I felt.

I spent the whole afternoon (got back by 3 pm) NAPPING. I really slept quite soundly with Blackie on the foor beside me, catnapping and sprawled without a care to the world after a meal of ikan goreng and rice. I woke up about 5 pm, so that was 2 solid hours of sleep, hope it will not affect my night sleep tonight. I usually don't nap in the afternoons during chemo, just felt restless and listless but unable to drift off but, today I really drifted.

I felt quite energised after the nap and had a tea of green tea (chilled) and strawberries and oats. Then I was ready to attack more spring cleaning with Vik as my sidekick. She is tough and full of energy so she helped with moving around the heavy stuff and I did the selection of keep, recycle and dispose.

I don't know what got into me but I am participating in the community garage sale again this weekend organised Jalin Realtors for our neighbourhood. My friends, brother and nephews will be joining me and it will be fun. If I faint, Vik will pretend to be me and manage my part of the garage sale. I have lots of work clothes to recycle and offer at really charity prices plus knick-knacks that I have outgrown but I am sure will bring pleasure to others, especially if I let them go at 1/100th of what I had paid for them, some acquired overseas from trips during my wanderlust days.

My target is again to clear what I will put out, and if not picked by callers (the last time they came as early as 7.30 am, those early bird bargain hunters) I will send them to the RSPCS thrift shop so they can sell and use the proceeds to help maintain the animals in their shelter.

Insya Allah, my "day-in" will be a successful spring cleaning and sharing of things that can be of use to/by others....

It's D-Day for Cycle 4 of Chemo

2007-06-14T17:41:00.001-07:00

June 14 (Day 1 of Cycle 4 of Chemotherapy)

It's starting again, the fresh after chemo side-effects of nausea, fatigue and loss of appetite. So this account will be sketchy at best but hopefully will include all the pertinent details of the day.

8.30: Took a cab with Vic carrying my overnighter and laptop (just in case) to reach the medical center before 9.

9.00:Did my pre-chemo FBC. Had to wait 45 mins for results. Read papers.

10.00: Pre-chemo review with Onco. The blood test results were out and I could proceed with chemo. And surprise and SyukurAlhamdullillah, the wbc was excellent, the best so far, in fact it exceeded what it used to read before chemo. It was 8.7, a high jump from 1.8 before Neupogen. The diet of daily beef stock and red meat and kacang botol, midin must have helped. I was grinning despite my sore bottom.

My Onco was told the gory details of my bouts with constipation, and resulting sore bottom. He prescribed 7 days of Ducolac this time. He recommended increasing my Epirubicin dosage (the red drug) by 10-15% to 125mg, he says to increase its efficiency to bump off any mutant cells and also to try push me to my limit so that my wbc reads 1.0 on day 9 (one day earlier than usual interim blood tests). Wot??? I asked him on the rationale of hammering my wbc, and he told me not to worry as it will recover with the Neupogen to be given, maybe more shots if really required. The idea is to be more aggressive with Epirubicin.

On the surface of it all, I appeared concerned why it is necessary. But secretly I am quite supportive as my sometimes sore and bleeding bum is causing me concern. Especially since Breast Cancer and Colorectal Cancers are sometimes partners in crime. This I gathered reading some reports either in the internet or even some of the newspaper reports that are displayed in Oncologist's waiting rooms in most of the medical centers I had visited. My take is that if the constipation is unattended, leading to eventual hard poo, it may strain that last bit of the digestive canal. I felt really uncomfortable discussing this with my Onco other than mention it in passing and therefore forgot to ask for a prescription for a balm that might heal any cut tissues. Hardly a subject to discuss with a straight face. I will call him tomorrow and seek his tele-opinion.

We discussed my collapsed vein and I told him, Dr A his standing-in MO prescribed some steroid cream for the thrombophlebitis. He corrected me saying that Dr A is a specialist, one of his best post-grad doctors! Anyway, I told him that after a few days of steroid, there wasn't any improvement in the pain and tightness and I had resorted to massage gently with minyak panas (nutmeg and gamat oil) which helped relieve the pain but the venins are still lumpy and hard. For the chemo, he will prescribe a dose of cimefidine (or something that sounds like it as a I couldn't identify the item fin the billing)which will help to dilate the collapsed veins. They need to re-use the first chemo vein as no other veins look good enough. I asked him where will the clots go (to my head/lung/heart?) and he reassured me there wasn't any clots, only inflammation which felt like lumps under the skin.

10.30: Off to Chemo Daycare and was given Day 1 (of 3) oral prescription of Emend. Must wait for an hour before chemo can start. The Onco nurse started to fix the gadget on my vein (sakit this time) and started a drip of saline.

11.00: Shot of Kytril given, and more waiting. I think the shot of Dexa was also given, this time I got the prickly sensation even under the skin of my tummy, not just at my bottom extremities.

11.30:Start of chemo. First shot was the Cimefidine to dilate the veins. Boy, was that painful as I could feel the frug coursing through my vein and the inflammation in the veins must have caused some sensitivity. I was ouching and aahing throughout. The Epiribucin was next, the increased dosage means 2 fat syringes and a little one. I reminded my nurse to go slow and steady. ANd for the first time since Cycle 1, I actually felt pain when the drugs are being shot (bolus method , she said). Sakit, real sakit. Reminded me of the comments on people who refused chemo because chemo is painful. All along from Cycle 1-3, the chemo injections were never painful except for the initial needle prick to install the gadget, but for cycle 4 it was painful due to the dilation of once collapsed veins. During the procedre I was supposed to suck a cup of ice, but one look and my stomach lurched, and after 1 cube, I was ready to throw up but managed to control. Very nice of the nurses to get me a lime flavoured ice-lolly to suck in lieu of ice to help with damage control in my mouth as the lining is so thin and the drugs can cause havoc with taste buds ( which are already extinct by now in my mouth. I taste food but a different taste from what others do).

11.30-2 pm: Continuation of drug injection, a painful process throughout. The cytoxan was administered via drip, and it was painful too.

2.00-3pm: An hour of saline infusion to flush the veins after chemo, and after that I was free to go rest in the ward.

3.00-3.30: Late lunch at cafe before resting as I had missed the lunch rounds in the ward. Vik ate heartily, she must be bored and hungry sitting there waiting, and waiting. I couldn't cope with much, just some items of yong tau foo and I realised that my taste buds have gone crazier. Everything tasted bitter and awful, except for food with a tang (masam-masam) but I need to watch that to avoid recurrence of gastritis and acid reflux in the stomach.

3.30-9 pm: Rested in medical center. The nurse checked my vitals and said I could discharge as I agreed with my Onco that I can go home once I feel stable. All vitals ok except she was puzzled why my bp was low at 88/55. I decided to
move out of the ward about 8.30 as a new patient was admitted in my room with a chronic cough that sound so frightening, hawking and she had to pit phlegm into a bag. I felt so sorry for her and yet at the same time realised that I cannot and should not be in the same room with her as her coughs and sputums would release millions of virus and bacteria that will not be good for my condition. I asked her about her ailment, she said she is 30 yrs old and have been suffering of a chronic cough for years and now felt weakened by it and the doctors needed to examine and investigate her lungs. I explained to her I was supposed to be out by 7.30 and they must have thought the room is vacant, that is why she was admitted there. Personally I felt that she would be better off in a single room. I wished her all the best and hope it is nothing serious like TB or lung cancer and explained to her I have to go and wait for my friend in the lobby.

9.30: My friend picked us up and gave Vik and I a ride home. Very nice for someone to swing by all the way from B.Utama to do that.

10.00pm: Unwind at home with a glass of warm horlicks and oats before retiring for the night. Mentally I am determined not to vegetate during the first 5 days,if only to feel a sense of personal triumph. Already planning to surprise my Dad with a visit on Father's Day if someone can drive me there, I will not be able to drive long distance during the first 5 days. My friend SNA had indicated she will consider it and we could go to that nice Ikan Bakar place for lunch!

Tomorrow Is D-Day for Cycle 4!

2007-06-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

June 13 (Day 21 od Cycle 3)

Tomorrow is D-Day for Cycle 4, which means 2 more to go, yahoo! Soon, Insya Allah, all the cycles will be over. Let's hope we can find a good vein tomorrow.

Mama Mi temporarily re-united with Putri, Boy Troy and Ashley (with head in catfood bin) while in Melaka recently.

Says Putri: "Well, Mama Mi, handle the next few cycles well, ok. Now that your helper is here, you can ship us back to KL once your treatments are over, so that we can sharpen our claws against that ooh so scratcheable, lovely sofa of yours, is it still there or have you written if off to some junkyard? Or better still, come back here and live in kampung, so you can see Atuk everyday. Also now he wants to come back and stay at home. He is very worried about you, you know......we quite like it here actually, all the birds and the bees and the other day even a snake or two, according to Acu! And the fruit season's just around the corner, with rambutans flowering and young mangoes slowly emerging...! And durians if anybody is brave enough to venture to the now quite neglected dusun, where wild boars have been spied!"

-end-

I went to the Dentist (also in the same medical center so she is aware of my chemo treatment regime) to check on the painful blisters and sores in the mouth. She spotted the location and mentioned that for now she can prescribe Gengigel to apply on the blister( about 4mm wide at the base of the tongue near my gums) and a Gengigel gargle after meals. The Gengigel prescription contains something called hyaluronic acid which helps in healing in mouth and oral tissues.

However she says I need to change my toothpaste as my gums are showing signs of receding and Sensodyne is better than Oral B to manage that so they won't get worse. All the chewing of fibrous greens, fruits and meat does have a toll on the gums. She reassured me that the prescription will not interfere or clash with the chemo regime, especially since tomorrow I will have more chemo drugs pumped into me.

I will be seeing my Onco tomorrow after the pre-chemo blood test. I hope my wbc is at least 4.0 ( it has been declining since the first cycle of 6.8, then 6.4, and the last was at 5.4). My interim chemo wbc was even worse-2.8, 2.4 and the last was at 1.8. I am taking lots of stuff to boost and hopefully the reading will not get any lower. Tonight, dinner is pasta with bolognese sauce, teaching my helper to cook something "foreign". Hopefully the lean ground beef sauce, and the dates I have been munching all day will translate to a good blood count tomorrow.

Two Days before Cycle 4!

2007-06-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

June 12 (Day 20 of Cycle 3)

How Time flies....it will soon be the 4th cycle meaning I will be 2/3 done with
chemotherapy. I have mixed feelings this time-a can't wait for it to be done and an "Oh, God, will there be new surprises for me to manage this time" feelings. I keep reminding myself that the Almighty gives us challenges that are normally within our capacity to handle. If we have faith and stand upright to face those challenges.

The dentist's appointment list is full today so I have booked an appointment for Wednesday June 13(tomorrow) to see her regarding my blisters/sores in my mouth. It felt as though my gums are affected as well. Could it be due to too much chewing of meat or this is something that is "due" as well whether or not I chew meat. It will be interesting to see what she can find out on what's happening in my mouth and what she will recommend to ease the painful sensation whenever I tried to eat and swallow food and drink.

The gastric pains have completely disappeared but I continue to drink horlicks as my drink for breakfast, mid-morning, at tea-time and after dinner. I hope the pains will forget about me and not pay me a visit again. Obviously avoiding hot, spicy and acidic food has helped together with the medication provided by my Onco. I just have to make sure that I am not tempted by spicy food again until after all the treatments are over.

The bum is still sore each time after bowel movement and that is beginning to worry me. It is no fun when both ends of the digestive system is hurting. It may be my imagination but I thought I spotted blood and that is not good. Especially since I need to preserve whatever blood I produce in my body to be at a healthy level. The psyillium husks and Fibrecleanse help to ease bowel movement but it seems something is amiss with the passageway (to put it delicately) that it feels like there is a cut or tearing that is so painful. I am at my pre-chemo high-energy phase right now and even then it doesn't seem to heal, what more when I have the FEC WMD drugs coursing in my system and blocking all cell renewal and repairs during the first week post chemo starting tomorrow.

I blush just to think of how I was going to explain this to my Onco DDIW. But I need to and I hope it is nothing serious. My mind is getting rather creative and I really need to put it at ease that this is again something temporary like all the other side effects. If it means I have to go on liquid diet to sort it out, I will be more than willing. Anything to get rid of the discomfort.

My right (chemo arm) is still stiff and hurting although massaging it 3X a day with minyak gamat and nutmeg oil has helped to loosen the tight feeling along my forearm and elbow. I hope there will be a good vein to use for Thursday's 4th chemo cycle.

I must say I am getting used to all the pains and am able to function normally and run my usual routine. I do need to remind myself though that I must not take all these pains for granted and wave them aside. It is so easy to be positive and tell myself that these are temporary and "that will also pass", However, if these turn out to be "messages" from my body which is trying to tell me something and I have ignored them, then I will have myself to blame should it be the tip of an iceberg of something more serious.

Other than all that, life goes on as usual. I am pursuing my personal projects and keeping active when the energy level is high, careful not to get into scraps and falls due to my accident-prone nature. I have not started teaching my helper/assistant Basic Beginners English yet other than the customary greetings and names for things in the kitchen( I will need to get a workbook for her if she is really serious about learning) Instead I have been picking up a lot of Indon words!

A Relaxing Monday

2007-06-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

June 11 (day 19 of Cycle 3)

I felt strangely tired today and decided not to go out to see the doctor yet. Syukur Alhamdullillah the gastric spasms have spaced out and slowly disappeared, perhaps due to the doses of Nexium and perhaps due to the mugs of horlicks that I have been imbibing throughout the day everyday since I was informed by my friend's Mum that it helps her manage her own acid tummy. Whichever it was I am so thankful that I have one pain less to bear.

My right arm is still hurting and I continue to rub the nutmeg and gamat oil. I have given up on the steroid cream as it did nothing for me. The arm still feels tight when stretched and I can still feel the lumps of possible clots along the affected veins. This is one of the items that I need to raise with my Onco in case it causes a problem with the next Chemo due on June 14 , just 3 days from now. I massaged the arm gently 3 or 4 times a day with the oil and put a warm compress afterwards. It helped to relieve the pain but the tightness starts to creep up again after a while. I could feel the hardened veins below the skin.

The mouth sores have not improved. I tried to check for myself using a torchlight and a mirror to see how many sores there are. Most are concentrated at the far end of my tongue and back gums, near where the tonsils are on the left side. I am unable to sight anything perhaps because I don't really know what I should be expecting to see. I have been gargling with salt water and sucking on strepsils and lonzenges to keep my mouth bacteria free but it feels as though more sores have surfaced. I had tried to apply glycerine borax using Q-tips and I know I did reach the sores as I squirmed when the Q-tips hit home. I will need to see my Dentist who will be able to inspect and determine what can be done to make sure the situation doesn't get worse. Eating is a challenging activity and imagine having tears running down my cheeks when I am having a nice meal!

As for bowel movements, that has been regular. My only issue on that is because of previous bouts of irregular bowel movements and constipation, I experienced extreme discomfort when moving my bowels. So extreme that sometimes I dread having "to go" because I can almost imagine the pain before I did. So another item to alert my doctor and seek his advice on what can help to relieve the discomfort. My good bowel movements could also be due to the Fibrecleanse mix that I take first thing in the morning ,half an hour before breakfast. It is supposed to aid in flushing out the colon but not to offer any pain relief.

I spent the day grooming my helper on the other activities in the house that she can help me with. Actually there isn't very much to do other than the basic stuff but will need to crank up some more so that she doesn't get bored and homesick. She seems to enjoy experimenting in the kitchen. I told her that I will teach her English for an hour a day once we have established a proper routine of what her chores are on a daily basis. That would be a win-win situation for both of us, she learns a new tongue and I get a "speaking" helper.

My adopted sister's house in serene and peaceful Bagan Datoh at S.Cik Maja is a place to go to totally unwind and escape "civilisation" but the people there are much more civilized than some of the folks we run into in the civilised cities. The "parit" where my nephew is fishing contains loads of tilapia fish, so many that you don't really need to use a fishing line. What they do is place a net and some poor fish will get caught in the net every morning. Their cats are fed fresh, raw fish and are healthy and strong as bears!

When July comes and after I complete my 5th chemo, I hope to spend a weekend in Bagan Datoh just for a change in scenery and to be with folks who are so genuinely happy. Life is simple, community spirit is really very strong, respect is based on how involved you are with the community rather than how wealthy you are and best of all, there's hardly any traffic and smog. The air is so fresh and if there is any smoke (not smog) it is from burning dry leaves and coconut husks in the evenings to scare away the mosquitoes. A nice change indeed from the daily background sound of Mat Rempits and honkings and blarings of "Old Newspaper, Surat Khabar lama!" when all one needs is some peace and quiet when the body and mind is tired....Bagan Datoh, here I come.

A Weekend On Books

2007-06-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

June 9 (Day 17 of cycle 3)

p.s-problem with tmnet connection all day Saturday, called them up, was advised to cleanup "cookies" so as not to bog down system.

To take my mind off the aches and pains I am going through, and with my energy back to normal, I spent the weekend(Saturday) reading, reading and reading and running chores. I spent some time in a bookshop to hunt for a few books (and added to the pile of tbr books accumulating in my shelves) and magazines, an activity which I missed doing lately. I did my weekly grocery shopping to include a lot of blood boosting stuff (liver, beef, leafy vegetables, dates) and a trade sized jar of horlicks to manage the gastric. I read 2 books on Saturday right into the wee small hours of Sunday morning with intermittent mugs of horlicks and crackers.

I also couldn't help popping into the healthstores to look for a good detox mix. I feel that my colon and digestive system need a real good flushing after all the chemical-based medication that I had been ingesting to "cure" my gastric, sluggish colon, thrombophlebitis and sore mouth and throat. I found something called Fibrecleanse and will try this out in the next few days before my next chemo on June 14. If it helps, I might try it out as a routine when I am into week 3 post-next chemo.

Insya Allah, a detoxed and clean digestive tract should be more efficient in grabbing and absorbing all the nutritional goodness from my blood boosting meals. I would like to see my blood count at a healthy level and if possible, no boosters and no transfusions for future chemo cycles. The last wbc count was terribly low at 1.8 and I can't afford for it to drop further. I thought very hard about why my blood count had been poor despite a very supportive and nourishing diet. I suspect that my system might not have been able to digest and absorb all the goodness due to a build-up of toxins and residues in my sluggish colon as a result of the various chemo side-effects. Hopefully I am right and that something like Fibrecleanse can help.

My books in the shelves upstairs are mostly to be read ones. They were once new but have aged on the shelves, and sometimes I find that I have 2 versions of a title because I might have forgotten that I had bought it before. Vik, my helper cleaned the shelves and dusted the books. This time I remembered to tell her to lift the books off the shelf in the same order that she sees them and to replace them on the shelf in the same exact order. One horrifying but funny incident that had happened years ago was when my part time helper then "re-organized" all my books. I was out shopping and came back to see all my books being re-arranged according to their size and height! Yes, the shelves looked really neat and proper but what a challenge to look for a book afterwards! I cannot afford to add a strained neck to my present potpourri of "sensations"...

June 10 (Day 18 of cycle 3)

I spent all day today(Sunday) out of the house attending a talk by Puan Ainon Mohamad of PTS on writing "Novel Professional". I have to say she is a true visionary and really walks her talk. A friend pointed me to her blog and I have been following the activities of PTS and admire what she has been doing. A sharp business sense and a very sincere effort to encourage reading as a way to open up the minds of our people can be strongly felt when you hear her speak and the plans she has. A large sector of our population, in the rural areas especially, do not have means and access to what the more affluent and English-conversant city types have.

As a result they lack exposure to useful information and ideas that can help trigger and build their dreams and ambition. She is inviting writers in Bahasa Malaysia to come up with novels/storybooks that include details on how one gears up to achieve a vocation or become a professional, be it a tailor, cook, doctor, lawyer, pilot , the list goes on. Her target readers are 10 year olds upwards as that is the age from which children can start to expand their universe of information and build dreams and prepare to work on their dreams. It is not a "how to" guide but a story or novel to be weaved around the lives of people within a certain profession or vocation, within the normal structure of a novel. In following the story, an impressionable child would remember and retain bits of useful information that his mind can recall as he/she grows up to harness and nurture whatever dreams and aspirations he/she may have.

We are lucky to have people like Puan Ainon around. It was great to be at the talk as the attendees were of diverse backgrounds - writers, and people from various professions - doctors, lecturers, accountants, financial consultants,trainers and quite a number of entrepreneurs. It was a day well spent even though at times I was bothered by my arm and gastric pains and had to stretch and flex my arm, and munch horlicks tablets during the session. We stayed to talk further with her after the session and I could sense the sincerity and passion she has for what she is doing.

I had gone to the talk with my friend RJ and was pleasantly surprised to bump into someone I know there too. We had dinner on the way back. After a nice healthy lunch of loads of green vegetable during the lunch break at the seesion, I decided to have mee rebus for dinner (beef based). I packed Nasi Beriani Gam for my helper to reward her for cleaning all my bookshelves and for succeeding not to mess up the arrangement of my books. I have painstakingly sorted them in the order that will enable me to easily locate a book without tears.

I was totally zonked out by the time I got home but managed to rub nutmeg and gamat oil on my right arm before retiring for the night.

Same old, same old but it's Father's Day month!

2007-06-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

June 8 (Day 16 of cycle 3)

My dad and one of the care-givers posing for a picture on the balcony that opened out from his room at the Nursing home he is staying in Bt Baru, Melaka. Very nice and airy, and opposite this house is a palatial mansion(with a huge duomo-like dome still under construction over 2 bungalow lots, and it was whispered that it belonged to a certain MP......and that construction has halted).

Maybe my dad is tired of looking at the palatial "eyesore" day-in and day-out? In the foreground is my cousin, who popped by quite often although he partially lives in Singapore and partially in Melaka. He and his wife have to drive to Singapore every month for medical check-ups with their doctors there as both are heart patients...

June 8 (Day 16 of cycle 3)

I am so grateful that no new side-effects have shown up so by now I am sort of getting used to the "usual" pains and side effects of late. I have also tried to incorporate certain actions to help ease and manage the side effects:

Mouth ulcers-continue salt water gargle after cleaning teeth, throughout the day. Apply glycerine borax at night. Will call Dr Priya my dentist if I could use the oral paste she provided in case I get gum infection to the ulcers at the end of my tongue or tonsils. Will definitely see her on Monday if the sores do not disappear by then. Eating which should be a pleasure after day 10 is now a painful process as swallowing involves the food passing across the ulcers and the pain is tear-inducing and bottom clenching. I am thankful though the ulcers are on one side of the mouth, so at least I can chew on the right side very very carefully so that the food will not migrate to the painful left side.

Sore bottom - must let my Onco know on Monday (when he will be in his clinic) on what I can do to relieve the discomfort. Read about a couple of pain relief creams that I could apply but will need his clearance in case the chemicals in it will react adversely with what my body is carrying. Will also start taking psyllium husk to cleanse my insides. The stuff doesn't look appetitising at all as it is just bulk to help with bowel movement and scrapping your insides so your digestive system is detoxified after a period of sluggish bowel.

Thrombophlebitis(tightness and stiff pain in veins of right arm)-continue to apply the hydorcortisone cream 3X a day and at night before sleep, apply minyak gamat. I go to bed smelling like a curry dish as other than gamat, the composition of this particular brand has coriander, ginger and turmeric ! The I use a "tuam", a sort of a hot compress by heating up a small cloth bag filled with lavender scented sand and drape the bag over my forearem. If nothing else, the gently scent of the lavender won over the curry aroma of gamat! Helps me to sleep soundly. Have not noticed any difference to the pain and stiffness but thankfully the pain hasn't grown worse.

Numb left arm -continue with anti-lymphedema exercise for surgery-side arm. And will now incorporate daily BRISK walk around area for 30 minutes instead of the gentle stroll I have been doing to get the newspaper. Continue with light yoga stretches daily. I am debating whether I should start a gym routine but decided against it until I am done with all the chemo cycles as I know I will not keep up especially when I am in my 1st week post-chemo.

Gastric spasms and pain-continue with the Nexium daily until I run out and take Gaviston during the day when the spasms strike. Thank God the spasms are not as intense and acute as before but they do strike a few times a day and at least twice during the night but I have a flask of warm horlicks at my bedsite, so that is manageable.

Other than that , I am in perfect condition. My energy is back and with the helper around we explore what I have hidden in boxes, shelves, nooks and corners. We found strange things-really strange things tucked away in storage shelves and I will definitely investigate what those things are and how they got to the places we found them. Some look really scary like black sand all over the luggage shelf of my wardrobe. How come I never notice them before?

The helper is coping quite well. I wonder how she will manage if she has to look after me and my dad, should he agree to stay here in KL with me. I had earlier asked her if she has taken care of her grandparents as her own parents are still very young, younger than I. She said no. Her grandparents are younger than my dad. I wrote a long letter to my dad, to explain why he needn't worry about me in KL as I have very good care-givers and support system here and that Insya Allah by September my treatments will be completed and I should be back to normal.

My younger sis-in-law made a trip to Melaka to visit him yesterday with my nephews and reassured my dad that I am managing well on my own. It seems he has been flinging about his meals and scaring the staff because they wouldn't let him leave to get a taxi. That's my dad, if he cannot get his way, he will throw tantrums but the best part is, I think he would forget about it later. My s-i-l reassured him that I have help around the house and that I am not alone. He was worried that I might be on my own and if anything happened or I died, no one will know about it to help.

I hope my letter will set his mind at ease. I explained why I needed to do the treatment and how I am managing with my friends' help. I told him my mind will be more at ease if he remains where he is, since none of my other siblings are in a position to offer their place to him. At least until all the chemos and radiation treatment are completed he should be under the supervision of the proffessionals at the private care center. We will see if I can convince myself to stay in Melaka again after all that has happened that made me move back to KL last year.

I plan to send copies of my letter to my siblings who have consciously or unconsciously chosen not to be involved with the dramas relating to my dad. It is after all, Father's Day month, and sometimes, no matter how busy one is with one's own family, it is probably good to be reminded that our father is still around and waiting..., waiting for some attention from his children who are all doing relatively well...maybe just getting old and infirm themselves. Alas...

Keeping the faith

2007-06-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

June 7 (Day 15 of Cycle 3)

The pattern of waking up in the middle of the night to nurse my acid tummy and rub hot oil onto my my right forearm continued. So when the alarm went in the morning, I would wake up feeling like I had just dozed off, and it was quite a struggle to fight Setan who would want me to curl back under my covers. Just as well that I do not fancy cold oats and Horlicks which I know would wait for me downstairs after suboh if I lingerd longer than necessary.

Troy and Devi: "If you like sleep Mama Mi, you should have been a cat. We spend more time asleep than awake. We look cute when we are fast asleep and can melt even most hearts. But human beans don't look cute at all, some snore, some have their mouths open and they have those funny drools streaming out of their mouths...urgh....but just look at me and Devi fast asleep, aren't we adorable? Who would have guessed that a Vet nearly put me to sleep and you fought hard for me to be alive and nursed me everyday after my accident. You actually removed big fat jumping maggots from my wounds even though a silly worm would normally knock you out unconscious! You had faith in my wellbeing Mama Mi, and I made it....and now, you must have faith in yours...you are not the sort to give up easily, so hang in there Mama Mi...."

Okay lah, Troy....Insya Allah I will continue the fight even though it gets scarier each time due to the unexpected turn of events each cycle. The sore throat is becoming more intense so I need to adjust my diet to include easy to swallow food yet at the same time, include all the nutrients that I need. As for my arm, I have been told that hot Nutmeg oil rubs can help and so will Minyak Gamat. So I will start on those once the hydrocortisone 14 days prescription is used up.

My new helper has arrived and is around now so I have been busy showing her the ropes around the house. She is 26, from Cilacap, Java, married with 2 kids, 5 and 2 years old. I shared with her my dietary requirements and Kakak had obliged by saying that she would teach her (Vik) how the food should be prepared-not spicy, not greasy and certainly no MSG. So far so good, at least she can iron well, thanks to the extra dose of training at the center when she was "quarantined".

I had let her stay at the center for at least 2 weeks before picking her up to join me at home. Sort of a quarantine period as I wanted to make sure she is not having colds or flu. She had passed her medical and endorsed by Fomema, but just to play it safe, I am taking her to my own doctor for an independent opinion, especially on her chest x-ray as that seems to be the most common problem overlooked by the health authorities for all incoming workers. I hope she will work out. So far so good, the center had trained her well on ironing skills, and at least I can save some money on the laundry! Kakak can cook well but she tends to cook my clothes as well to a right crispy texture......

I got another call from the private care center where my dad is. He is packed to go home to look after me and has been throwing tantrums. He wants me to come and pick him up. He must be really worried and I feel so sorry that I had to tell him about my situation. I tried speaking to him over the phone but he couldn't hear 90% of what I said when I reassured him not to worry about me. But he doesn't want to stay in KL and that is an issue right now while I am managing my treatment. Besides, he shouldn't be seeing me when I am all nauseous and being plastered onto the sofa for the first few days of each chemo. That will indeed worry him, for sure.

I know I will spend sometime tonight trying to figure out how I need to manage and handle this. My other siblings are not "ngam" with my dad so I do not have anywhere to turn to on this. Short of me checking into the home myself(???) and staying there so he can see me and at the same time have access to proffessional carers and medical aid on short notice. Ya Allah, please let me have some pointers on how best to manage this so that it will be in the best interest of all concerned. Amin.

Things to be thankful for

2007-06-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

June 6 ( Day 14, Cycle 3)

I did not sleep very well last night. I had to wake up twice at 2 am and just after 4 am to nurse my rumbling tummy which was giving me gastric pains. I tried taking some crackers and horlicks and 10ml of Gaviston after. It seems the gastric attacks are not letting up, and like it or not, I have to remember to have some crackers within reach to help fill up my tummy. It's not like I have not been eating. I have been keeping to a fixed schedule for the main meals and inbetween , would reach out for crackers and horlicks if the gastric pain plays up.

On day 13, there would be no more nausea. I have had the 2 booster shots of Neupogen given on 2 consecutive days ( a subcutanous shot via my tummy) and while I was fine after the 1st shot, the 2nd shot did result in the promised backaches. As it was a passing pain, it didn't bother me that much and I just need to remember that the pain would come shooting sometimes when I am getting up, or was turning around to reach out for something.

Thank God there was no more nausea. All I have to deal with now until things improve are a sore bottom, a sore throat ( or tongue, can't really tell) which makes swallowing crackers a bit of a challenge, gastric pains that comes and goes every couple of hours and my hardening chemo veins in my right arm. Quite a potpourri of pain and sensations to get used to and hopefully will disappear in time. I am just worried about the thrombophlebitis in my right arm, and concerned that all I am doing is rubbing a thin layer of hydrocortisone cream(1% steroid) over the affected area for 14 days. So far , I have not noticed an improvement and my elbow movements are restricted somewhat.

But I can still drive around and do personal chores. I met up for lunch with Dalilah, a lovely young lady who is a cancer survivor and we exchanged experiences. As expected, everyone goes through some similar side-effects but there were some that may be more prominent or less in others. She did not experience Thrombophlebitis ( but drug was administered via drip rather than manual) but she shared the common experience of gastritis, and how she managed her situation then.

I realised that all these pains and additional trials that are coming my way could be Allah's way of putting me on my toes, and that Allah will dish out just enough to get me off my comfort zone and get back on track. I had slowy assumed a "normal" life and treated myself to stolen moments of no-no(s) during treatment-the spicy curries and sambals sometimes because the tastebuds couldn't taste anything otherwise, and coffee because it smells so good! But I musn't let this continue and had got back on track after the serious gastric attack 2 Sundays ago.

Although I am riddled by the pains and side-effects that I have to manage, I
always try to take a moment each day to be thankful for the blessings that come my way. I always tell myself that things could be worse, and they weren't. I still have my mental faculty intact, so I can still pursue my favourite hobbies of reading, writing, and doing puzzles. I still have my sense of humour which is really helpful in seeing the positive and funny sides of things.

I have enough to enable me to live comfortably and independently while managing my illness and hopefully I am not causing a burden to others. I am also still able to help others if they need my help. I have a good support system to see me through my treatment. And when I feel ready, I can start on my personal projects that will make some of my dreams come true. My Dad is doing very well where he is , and my cats are managing without me just fine. And although I can't be with my long distance buah hati and he with me, our relationship hasn't changed just because I now am a BC patient. And today I heard that my PM is getting married! Now that is really something to be thankful for as no matter how important a man is, he needs a woman to stand by him and inspire him to do the right things..for us, for the nation...

My Boy Troy says: "Oh yeah? I don't need no woman....look, Milla is happily suckling me even though I am not a female cat. She thinks I am her surrogate mum and won't leave me alone..I like that, I feel really needed..."

Booster # 2

2007-06-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

June 5 (Day 13, Cycle 3)

Ijan returned to Kampung today and I dropped him off at the Bangsar LRT for his onward journey to Pudu Raya for the Masjid Tanah bus. I went to the medical center for my second booster shot just before noon.

When I reached the Chemo daycare center, I bumped into an old, old colleague from the MNC I used to work for. It was a pleasant unpleasant surprise, that we both are undergoing treatment for the same problem, and the best part of all is she and her husband are living in the same neighbourhood as I am. What a small world. She looked good , with a smart wig and all, and after 4 cycles of AC and now a weekly low dosage of Taxotere, she appears to be coping very well indeed with the side effects.

She said the same thing about me, that I looked fine for someone after 3 cycles and getting gastritis, thrombophlebitis and sore mouth. We compared notes on our treatment and side-effects. She is very lucky indeed that she did not have to experience thromboflabitis even though she does not use a chemoport. But then again, her drugs were not manually administered but wee administered via drip method.

I made a point to discuss this with the Onco nurse and will probably mention to my Onco on the next visit before my 4th cycle is carried out. She said that as my veins have shown indication of being weak and "collapsing", we will need to make sure if manually administered, it has to be done at a slower rate and increase the amoutn of saline to flush through at the end of the drug administration.

I am trying not to think about chemo ports and blood transfusion right now. I went to the supermarket to stock up on beef bones (with marrow) to be turned into soups and broths for consumption between now and June 14th, the next chemo date.

My friend SNA came to sleep over so that she can join her nephew, who lives nearby , for a trip to Singapore tomorrow. My sis-in-law and nephews dropped by when I was out at dinner. As Kakak was around and let them in, they waited until we got back. They were planning to visit my dad before the school holidays are over and I wanted to send over some red dragon fruits which is my dad's flavour of the month.

The Neupogen finally did result in a slight back/waist ache. I should have taken the pain killers after all, but I believe it will pass and if I don't jump about too much, it would be manageable. Insya Allah, we'll see......

Thrombophlebitis, wazzat???

2007-06-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

June 4 (Day 12 of Cycle 3)

This is my zillionth attempt to log on to do a posting. TMNet, buck up! My stress level is being tested really severely. The last thing I need after a somewhat harrowing time at the medical center is to sit in front of the computer endlessly trying to refresh a conection which keeps bumping me off? Is this a sign? Next time I go to Starbuck.

My interim FBC today was somewhat disappointing. 1.8 vs the 2.8 (after Cycle 1) and 2.4 (after Cycle 2). It seems to be dipping and showing a downward trend. Any lower and I may have to go for a transfusion. So it was another booster shot today (Neupogen this time and not Granocyte) and I have to go in again tomorrow for a 2nd booster shot. So, I may want to check out the sin-seh shop and ask them if they have anything specific to boost wbc. My doctor has nothing specific to recommend other than maintain a good, normal diet and to include red meat in my diet ofr overall blood heatlh. Which is what I have been doing. I have transformed myself from a once month steak person to a weekly red meat eating carnivore-liver, beef bones with marrow, beef, chicken, lamb cooked in various styles. Just imagine how worse off I might have been if I had stuck to a vegetarian or white meat only diet.

My regular Onco is on leave, so I got to see his Locum, Dr A. I asked her about my right forearm, why the stiffness and the pain. She told me my chemo veins might be inflamed and I have what the medical proffesion calls "Thrombophlebitis". My veins in which the chemo drugs were administered were inflamed and are blocked for normal flow, and hence the hardening. When I asked, she said the condition is reversible but will take a long, long time. I like it when doctors tell me as it is and not sugarcoat the real situation. At least I know that my right arm will need some careful handling.

I asked what could have caused it, should there have been more flushing with saline to get the drug moving along and coursing away into my entire system and not "held up" along the veins in my arm. She told me a bag of saline is usually sufficient. And that this happens sometimes to chemo patients who do not use chemo ports. But no one had advised me to look out for this possible complication. I felt slightly let down. Now I am told that in the event that the last 2 veins cannot be used for future chemos ( I have 3 more to go ), and if they cannot locate a fresh, strong vein, then a chemo port need to be inserted in my chest. I hope I will be spared another Op, another G.A. Just 3 cycles to go and I needed a chemo port? Might as well set one up in the first place before the whole chemo regimen started. Dr A prescribed a mild Hydrocortisone cream to rub on my arm to help reduce the inflamation.

When I got home, I called up my Breast Surgeon and asked her if she has come across similar patients with Thromboflabitis. She said it can happen but reversible with time. To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind before. That if the chemo drugs can kill cells, what damage can it do to my healthy veins as it is being injected slowly but manually through my veins. I now have questions in my mind like what is the rate at which the drug should be injected. I can see that for the more powerful AC-T dosages used for my other chemo buddies, they are given the dosage via a drip. For me, an Onco nurse sits by my side and shoots the drugs v.v.slowly into my veins with the saline entering via a drip. When the drug has been administered, I would continue to sit and wait until the bag of saline is emptied. I need to reconfirm for the next chemo the entire process again. How many bags of saline will be required to flush the chemo channel and how much time is allocated to shoot the chemo drugs and if the rate is safe enough for me now that we know my veins can get easily inflamed. Can it be done even more slowly or should I use a drip?

I felt angry. But at who and at what? I have primed myself when committing to the chemo regimen that I should expect the unexpected. So why am I mad? I have read almost all the books that I can lay my hands on and I had not come across anyone talking about Thromboflabitis. When I got back, I googled the word, twice, and twice my notebook did an automatic shutdown when I tried to open a file on the topic. So all I know about it now is that it is an inflammation of the veins due to the administration of the chemo drugs, and it can happen again. The OED describes only Thrombosis - a serious condition caused by blood clot forming in a blood vessel.

Now I am worried where the clot that is forming the blockage will go to, how do we get trid of it? Someone says to massage my arm gently and often to encourage flow and perhaps to dispel the clot and blockage, but where will it go? To my heart? To my brain? That will be more serious. I am beginning to sound paranoid but shouldn't I worry knowing what I know. It is no good watching to see what happens next, like what I had been doing in the last 3 cycles....read about the side-effects, looking out when they will happen, feeling strangely "relieved" when they happened.

I now need to ask everytime, what are the side effects even for the most simple treatment. When I was given boosters, I had asked what are the side effects? Backpains and bodily aches, I was told, so some strong painkillers were given for 2 days (with granocytes). This time I was given Neupogen but Dr A did not prescribe painkillers. I was told the side effects are the same. My Onco nurse asked if I wanted the painkillers.

At this point in time, I have the FEC in my system, I am taking Nexium daily with Gaviston 4X a day, I am rubbing Hydrocortisone on my arm, I have Neupogen shot into my tummy for 2 days. Do I really need more drugs in my body? I said no and told her that if it is just a backache that will pass I can live with it. So, no painkillers and guess what, there were no backpains either?! Maybe there were but between my slightly numb left arm(surgery side) and my stiff and "sengal" right forearm, I had probably grown immune to new pains?

All day I reflected about where I am in the process right now. Almost completing the 3rd cycle, almost completing 50% of the regimen. The surgery no longer bothered me except for the scars from the plaster allergy. The chemo is bothering me, a lot. Really a lot, I tried as much as I can to remain positive, keep my faith alive that the treatment is a passing journey,that I need to savour and learn what the journey is teaching me. It will make arrival at the destination much more worthwhile. It has been a test of will and fortitude.

I can appreciate why some people just gave up halfway, or even when they have just one more cycle to go. I had actually met a few. It is so easy to feel discouraged, especially if you are not made to understand why certain things happen. Chemo is no fun. I sometimes find myself asking the inevitable question which I believe crosses the minds of all chemo patients - can this be enough, I have done 2 or 3, I don't suffer from pain caused by the cancer, but the chemo is killing me and my energy, shall I stop here? I asked this question each time a bout of nausea and fatigue hits me, and so far, I have willed my spirit to go on, if only to have faith that it will help me be around longer if I continue with the chemo. As far as quality of life goes, it is zilch during chemo moments of side-effects, but I had always looked forward to the 3rd week post chemo when my energy level bounces back and I bounce back with a vengeance. Just 1 week each time of "normal" energy level is a blessing

Today, on Day 12, I am a bald headed chemo patient with nails clowly turning blue. My tummy twists and turn with gastritis although I have medication for it to reduce the pain, my left arm is slightly numb, my right arm is stiff and "sengal", one boob is slightly flattened but supposed to fill up again in good time, I do not have constipation but my bowel movement is a battle in its own right because I am not eating as much vegetables when eating only porridge for meals, I think I am getting fresh blisters in my left cheek and my mood is erratic.
BUT I AM ALIVE. Syukur Alhamdullillah I am alive.

I had 3 friends visiting at various times today after I got back from the medical center. So I had less time to be bitchy with myself. One brought a book she said that is really good for me to read at this time - Man's Search for Meaning-by a physician Victor E Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps in Krakaw and Dachau. He proved that regardless of what outward calamities one has to endure, at the end of the day, survival is about controlling the mind, the mind and one's faith will help a person to overcome anything. Nothing new really, as I know how powerful the mind is and I had heard this before, but it will be interesting to read about how this guy lived through the horrors of Nazi death camps, where death was a sure thing for most of the inmates.

Hopefully I will be further inspired. My dear brother is really worried about me and decided to stay on in KL for another day to see that I will be okay after my second booster. I am off now to get the second booster.

Interim Blood Count (FBC) tomorrow

2007-06-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

June 3 (Day 11 of Cycle 3)

Rosella Petals ( also known as Ribena Flower or Hibiscus fruit)

I will be going for my interim FBC tomorrow and if my wbc count is low and less than 3.0 whatever, I will be given a booster over the next 2 days to prop up the count in time for the next chemo (the 4th cycle) on June 14. I don't really know what to expect, as I have tried, as before, to eat up for my wbc count (pucuk midin, kacang botol as well as beef broth from beef bones/marrow) but the effort seemed to keep it at 2.0++ but not more than 4.0. What I have not tried is ganoderma (linzhi mushroom) and that is because it is not easily available in shops. At least not anywhere near where I live.

When I buy something as important as a supplement to help my body recover, I have a strong preference to buy it from someone I can personally see, talk to and interview (more like asking silly and obvious questions, just to be sure).

In any case, que sera sera. I have been boiling red dates and drinking the infusion as it is supposed to help boost blood. The same with Rosella buds. These are fleshy red petals of what is locally known as "Hibiscus" fruit ( but really a flower) and the infusion, deep ribena coloured, tastes almost like cranberry or grape juice, sourish-sweet and very pleasant to drink and thirst quenching. Especially useful to get me to drink as my tastebuds have now developed an aversion to plain water, especially if I see ice cubes floating in the glass which would trigger a wave of nausea. The only plain drink that I can handle right now is air zam zam, but my supply is running out and saving that for severe gastric attacks as the high ph content of the water is very soothing for an acid tummy.

I must remember to check with the doctor about this hardening of the veins in my wrist and forearm (right, non-surgery side) and explore what could have been a probable cause. Someone I met at the Relay For Life event mentioned that I might be developing "kelloids"(??) in the area where the chemo injections were done and I need to make sure I massage the area after each treatment to prevent kelloids. If this is true, then I have to admit that I wasn't aware that it was something I had to do, so did not do it. Infact, I had avoided touching or rubbing the area where the chemo was done in case I rupture or injure a vein. Or so I had thought.

So the new piece of information that I should be massaging it well after treatment was and is news indeed to me and I wonder why I have not been instructed or advised to do this. It is usual for some saline to be continuously dripped to flush out the veins after each chemo session is done and I remember this was done at the last cycle. In any case, I am sure there will be an explanation and that if required, I will be prescribed whatever necessary to help relieve the feeling of tightness in my forearm.

I spent 7 hours away from home today. At 3pm, SNA and her son came by, SMM later joined in and we ended up going to Ikea at Ikano. I ended up buying a bed for the maid ( she will be more of an assistant than a maid as I don't really need a maid) who will be joining my household by the end of the coming week. SMM got a typist chair for me as an early birthday present as they see how much time I spent on the computer but sitting on an antique chair which is all wrong ergonomically for long bouts of keyboarding on a desktop.

Ikea was so crowded, today being Sunday, the school holidays and start of the month ( fresh from payday), and I really had to make sure I didn't get trapped within a crowd that might be sneezing or coughing. The place was so packed and we had to inch our way through the maze of Ikea aisles and display items as though we were on a conducted tour of a museum or gallery on a package holiday....! I felt like fainting by the time we reached the Cashier and luckily my friend's son was able to get some hot Ikea currypuffs ( very tasty with egg) for us to munch through while waiting in the queue! Okay, the currypuffs only contained very mild curry flavoured potato and egg filling so I don't think my Onco will be displeased.

After afternoon tea at a very cosy teaplace at The Curve (it was pouring cats and dogs outside) we decided to go to Tesco to get the weekly grocery shopping done. We spent quite a bit of time at Tesco as there wasn't much point rushing back as we would have been caught in the traffic jam outside. My tummy was beginning to feel sharp again, so we decided to have dinner before heading for home. Dinner was at Madam Lim's - a wide variety of one-dish meals at very reasonable prices and very,very tasty. Everyone enjoyed their selection tonight. I had a mild Meehoon Soup with absolutely no accompanying cili padi in soysauce. I took some Gaviscon afterwards.

And believe it or not, we stopped by Kayu for "one for the road" Teh Tarik before we actually headed home. We were still caught in traffic at 10.15pm and it was just as well that we made use of the loos at The Curve or else SNA will have some people bursting their bladders in her MPV while we inch our way back to Sri Hartamas.