"Please change the mew-sic, Mama Mi...."
"Yeah...Gamelan, Gamelan, Gamelan....we are tired of Gamelan"
"Yeah....we want "Buddha Bar Chill Out in Paris", please, please!"
"Yeah, that is real chill-out mew-sic. You drive, we chill out....okay?"
"Yeah, wake us up when we get there....can't wait to get into a brawl with Jebat, although we heard he is full of battle scars after squaring it out with the big, nasty, yellow cat that springs up from nowhere."
"I can't wait to check out the trees for bird nests and if we are lucky, squirrels too"
"Yeah, KL is soooooo bor-ring!. The only "nature" sounds we hear is when you turn on the mood mew-sic on your hi-fi - waterfalls, chirping birds and the pitter patter of rainfall on the awnings!"
"Yeah, we are country cats at heart now, after you left us in kampung for 6 months during your chemo...you can't expect us to transform back to be city cats in blinking second.."
"And best of all, we won't have to be cooped up in a cage no more...we are free, free, free..."
"Hurray..."
Mama Mi: "Okay, okay, cut it out - stop the bawling and yowling. I will put on Buddha Bar and promise you guys stay quiet in your travel cage back there while I concentrate on the driving. My arm is already numb and we are not even halfway there yet....."
Alhamdullilah, we made in to kampung to see my Dad again and to see what's happening at home. One of our cats in kampung, lovely Li-Po has been missing for 2 weeks, and me thinks she has been cat-napped. Li-Po is Jannah's cat, and I have not broken the news to her yet, as she is currently busy with her 11+exams in London, and her Mum (my sister) is the nervous one. I have strict instructions to feed Li-Po only "Cod Fish, aunty, it is a tasty fish" to which I replied, "Cod Liver Oil more like it ! ". I miss Li-Po and I know Jannah will be heart-broken when she finds out when they come over for the summer holidays in July/August. Hopefully, Li-Po will find her way home. So far however, our missing cats ave not returned. In the last 2 years or so, we think the following have been cat-napped because they are so cute and "jinak" - Wira Superboy, Kuning Longtail (my late Mum's), Cat, Tiger, and now Li-Po. I hope she has not been catnapped in the hope of using her as a breeder, as she has been spayed. Whatever, I hope she is well and her new owner will love and care for her like we did, and like we did, have meaningful conversations with her every now and then. You see, Li-Po loves to chat - with purrings and growls of course, much better than the "catty" conversations that we can sometimes find ourselves in with some human beings!
More on the trip. My babies can't wait to leap and roam once we reached kampung. They went about sniffing certain spots as if trying to recall where they last lingered or napped. They love being in kampung as the chances of having rice and tuna is much higher, whereas KL means dry and canned food. Troy ( who is the size of a little dog now) panted real hard after a few laps around the compound, his tongue pink and hanging out. I thought he might pass out, but thankfully did not.
My dad is in a good mood, and that is really nice. We had his favourite thosai and lamb curry for lunch when we visited and he was so energetic and wanted to go shopping! We went to Guardian at Tesco's as he wanted to buy this new product that uses far infra red to help in blood circulation, as advertised in the papers. We found it and he said it really helps - it is a pair of slip on knee supports that one puts on. He really impressed the pharmacist at Guardian when he got up from his wheelchair once he has put it on! They thought he is immobilised at first. The wheelchair we had borrowed from Tesco as I had thought that we might have to cover the lenght and breadth of the Tesco complex in Melaka in order to find the product. He was so pleased that we were able to get the product without having to hunt for it too much.
We wheeled him around for grocery shopping, after which he wanted to belanja us coffee at Kluang Station Kopitiam near the Tesco exit. I was really drooling watching him, Ijan my brother and Vik my maid enjoying a hot cuppa of Kopi Panas and a piece of Roti Bakar each. He reminded me to get married (?????) so that the next time I am sick, there will be someone to take care of me, and that Ijan should also get a wife for the same reason. Well.......I know of cases where it is the spouse that is making the partner sick, so what gives? I think my father was so relieved to see me "okay" with hair "intact' and all that, so much so that he becomes ultra-optimistic!
Will be in kampung for a few more days...I feel much contented here and there's quite a bit to do. And me oh my, in kampung my creative juices really flow when it comes to penning in my journal and also when dabbling in the kitchen. Loads of new recipes to test out and old recipes to modify to "Survivor Style". And I love shopping at the Pasar Tani and Night Markets here - plenty of home grown food not using chemical but "natural" fertilisers. And the fish...lots of variety and really fresh...like being able to buy them just a few hours of being unloaded from the boat of the fishermen. How much fresher can it be?
Hmmm, it is always the same case. Each time I start out to go back to kampung, I tell myself and my friends that I will be back in a few days, and almost always it is the same old story..I end up staying a couple of weeks! That is exactly why I can't commit to a full time and fixed-station job at this time, I want to go with the flow and just be. And for that, a home-based vocation is best.
And my babies, syukur Alhamdullillah they are so, so adaptable. And I love them to bits. And I pray and hope no one will catnap them ever. I will go bonkers. I feel so sorry for Nini (Sharliene, 5 yrs who has been missing since Wednesday 9th Jan, 2008) and her parents, and I hope dear God will take care of her and her abductors, and that they will send her back home soon. Losing a cat is bad enough ( Troy and Putri were missing for 17 days in 2006 and I was upside-down for 17 days as well - will post about this one day) but losing and missing a 5-year old child that one has loved, cherished and cared for , for 6 years (inclusive of the 9 months in the womb) must be extremely painful that I can't even begin to imagine. Ya Allah, kasihan lah kepada hamba Mu yang lemah dan tolong kembalikan Nini kepada keluarga nya. Semoga mereka( dan keluarga lain) mendapat pengajaran daripada pengalaman ini dan akan mengawal anak-anak mereka dengan lebih prihatin lagi. Ameen.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Teh Tarik On Hold
I am really a rice and gulai kind of gal, the more "*desa" inspired are the dishes, the more turned on I am by them. But we know what it is like when there's rice...you need a main dish, perhaps a gulai asam pedas or cili padi ( fish or meat), then a sayur dish(maybe kerabu pucuk paku to which you would add pounded dried shrimps for that ooomph or lemak labu), then maybe ikan masin goreng or telur masin rebus, what about ulam-ulam(tenggek burung, bebuas, pegaga, fresh petai, pucuk betik, pucuk ubi), it of course will not be complete without sambal ( belacan or kelapa or tempoyak). And won't it be nice to have that fresh ikan pari that was just hauled off the Straits of Melaka grilled to perfection - cooked crispy on the skin but still moist and tender when you dig under? And who says you have to stop after satu pinggan of rice? It is always polite and customary to "tambah"....and I am very, very polite when it comes to food and eating.
So, after a lot of psyching, tossing and turning, about the changes I need to make to my dietary habits now that I have to "pantang" a few things for a couple of years until my immune system is boosted, I realised that the new "diet-style" is not that bad after all. In the bigger scheme of things they are but minor sacrifices to help myself feel and turn out "good".
All I need to do is eliminate FOR NOW (only) some food items that might sabotage my journey to wellness, change my eating habits (less eating out and be more discriminating about what I order when I do, and most important of all, make some revisions on how my food is being prepared when eating at home.
So as not to have my body feel as though it is being punished, I give myself little exceptions once in a while - like eating out only on Sundays (maybe breakfast at Nirvana or Marmalade) with friends after a good morning walk. Even then it will be thosai and dhall, and plain tea. No roti canai as the Ayur doctor says I should avoid refined white flour( I am already scheming now on how to make my own whole wheat -atta- roti canai if ever I need to succumb to a craving!). No slurpy and frothy teh tarik as I will be driven to wheezing and a semput so serious that it is not worth the Rm 1.20 if I have to be carted off to the ER of Pantai in a RM 400 ambulance.
But as they say, everything in moderation and never, ever feel deprived. There are always alternatives. We just need to be a little creative. So if I have to pantang my favourite beverage of coffee ( in it's many commercial forms) and teh tarik, there is always Ragi Malt which I discovered by chance through the internet. It is nice, and very, very nutritious. I was looking up what Ragi is in Google when I was recently introduced to Ragi Flour, Ragi Puttu, and Ragi Bihun which I have been using in my cooking. No one is able to tell me what Ragi is in English and you don't see it sold anywhere else except in Brickfields. I found out it is "Finger Millet", highly nutritious as it is always milled whole. The grains are tiny like mustard seeds. The taste is rich and nutty. I just loved it and have used it in various ways to cook, whenever I run out of ideas for complementing my rice dishes , with so many pantangs right now.
Ragi Malt is just like Horlicks, and is usually prepared with milk and brown sugar. As I am allergic to milk now, I just used water, boiling it with the ragi flour and adding Manuka honey just before drinking it. I may add a small dose of expresso in future if the craving for coffee hits, and I am sure it will tast as good as conventional cappucino.
It is very exciting, this experimenting with alternative styles of cooking and eating. Had it not been for BC, I would probably not be motivated to try out these new, healthier alternatives. I would not have discovered Sitharam's or Malliga's even though I pass that way countless times whenever I need to go to KL Sentral. So, it has been very enriching and it has really tested and stretched my creativity in the kitchen (usually guided and limited to what is found in cookbooks and what has been handed-down by my mum). I treasure the "hand-me-down" recipes from the family because they are unique and not usually found in cookbooks, and the beauty ( or is it pity?) of it all is they survive even though these hasn't really been formally recorded anywhere .
How does one capture a pinch of this and a handful of that and "sa-cukup rasa"? In any case, now that I have to, even those hand-me down recipes can be creatively modified now to suit my situation.
For Awal Muharam, to celebrate the new year I invited some friends over for tea. My friends know that I am an all-rounder when it comes to food - I am both a goreng pisang and cekodok fan as much as I am a cream tea complete with scones and clotted cream fan. So they did not really know what to expect now that I have so many pantangs, and offered to bring food that they think I can eat. I told them that the idea is for me to "jamu" them for all of their help in the past year and not the other way round. My only request to them is to bear with what I will be serving as Iam keen to introduce them to my alternative and healthier way of preparing my favourite eats. That way they will also know what I had to give up in order to build up my strength and immunity.
I cooked for 10. I was surprised that I had the energy to see through all of the cooking, and later entertaining. Of course the maid helped in the preparation of the ingredients after I showed her how. After much thought and a flurry of activities, we managed to put on the table the following goodies when the guests arrived at 4.30 - Nasi Kunyit with Organic Chicken Curry with potatoes, carrot and tomatoes; Nasi Kerabu ( 15 herbs - most home grown, serunding kelapa and serbuk ikan bilis and not ikan masin) with Sayur Asem ( Javanese dish, my maid's specialty, very nutritious with lots of vegetables); Bubur Hijau-Merah ( my creation - couldn't decide between bubur kacang hijau or bubur kacang merah, so mixed them both and it worked, very sedap!); Ubi Kayu Rebus (served steaming hot with grated fresh coconut and shredded gula melaka - very popular as the last time most had this was probably when they were teenagers!); and the piece de resistance - Wholegrain Cranberry Scones ( made with olive butter, raw sugar and grainy wholewheat flour) served with a choice of olive and real butter for the purists among my friends, with strawberry jam of course. And pink Dragon Fruit to clean the palate while sipping sen-cha (green tea). Yes, that was very brave of me not to offer coffee as at least 2 of my guests are coffee lovers and will always have their brew to make their meal complete. Quite a colourful meal.
It was a success, everyone enjoyed the food and I enjoyed watching them enjoy the food. The Ubi Rebus was a clear winner, it was so simple yet so good. I was overjoyed because I wasn't sure if they would miss the usual cake-house fare that one normally puts out with lots of pretty cupcakes and pastries and fried stuff. My guests left with a little gift I had wrapped nicely for them, a 7-Day Pillbox that they would find handy to take their supplements along when they travel. That too, is very colourful, each 3-compartment daily sub-containers in different colours. The whole thing is about the size of a 250 gram Cadbury bar, which was what I had originally planned to give but thought that the pillbox would be more useful.
A number of the dishes that day was experimental for me, and I will post them in my http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/ blog so I won't forget and in case anyone else is curious to try.
The recipe for the scones is not from Nigella Lawson's or Betty Crocker's or Martha Stewart's. I have this favourite recipe for scones that I got from a tea towel I picked up while visiting Scotland many(20?) years ago. I just needed to modify it a bit to accomodate my present dietary requirements, and it worked fine. I am in the process of experimenting with wholewheat roti canai and buckwheat mee mamak - cuz I do miss my mamak food so!
Note:* I was going to write "Kampung" inspired dishes but chose to use "Desa" instead. I get a trifle annoyed when the word "kampung" had been used in a degratory sense by some ignorant people who probably had not met really nice kampung folks who do not deserved to be insulted by associating the word "kampung" with anything that is less than "cool". I need to get this off my chest and will post an entry soon in my http://lifematters2me.blogspot.com/ blog . Grrrr....
So, after a lot of psyching, tossing and turning, about the changes I need to make to my dietary habits now that I have to "pantang" a few things for a couple of years until my immune system is boosted, I realised that the new "diet-style" is not that bad after all. In the bigger scheme of things they are but minor sacrifices to help myself feel and turn out "good".
All I need to do is eliminate FOR NOW (only) some food items that might sabotage my journey to wellness, change my eating habits (less eating out and be more discriminating about what I order when I do, and most important of all, make some revisions on how my food is being prepared when eating at home.
So as not to have my body feel as though it is being punished, I give myself little exceptions once in a while - like eating out only on Sundays (maybe breakfast at Nirvana or Marmalade) with friends after a good morning walk. Even then it will be thosai and dhall, and plain tea. No roti canai as the Ayur doctor says I should avoid refined white flour( I am already scheming now on how to make my own whole wheat -atta- roti canai if ever I need to succumb to a craving!). No slurpy and frothy teh tarik as I will be driven to wheezing and a semput so serious that it is not worth the Rm 1.20 if I have to be carted off to the ER of Pantai in a RM 400 ambulance.
But as they say, everything in moderation and never, ever feel deprived. There are always alternatives. We just need to be a little creative. So if I have to pantang my favourite beverage of coffee ( in it's many commercial forms) and teh tarik, there is always Ragi Malt which I discovered by chance through the internet. It is nice, and very, very nutritious. I was looking up what Ragi is in Google when I was recently introduced to Ragi Flour, Ragi Puttu, and Ragi Bihun which I have been using in my cooking. No one is able to tell me what Ragi is in English and you don't see it sold anywhere else except in Brickfields. I found out it is "Finger Millet", highly nutritious as it is always milled whole. The grains are tiny like mustard seeds. The taste is rich and nutty. I just loved it and have used it in various ways to cook, whenever I run out of ideas for complementing my rice dishes , with so many pantangs right now.
Ragi Malt is just like Horlicks, and is usually prepared with milk and brown sugar. As I am allergic to milk now, I just used water, boiling it with the ragi flour and adding Manuka honey just before drinking it. I may add a small dose of expresso in future if the craving for coffee hits, and I am sure it will tast as good as conventional cappucino.
It is very exciting, this experimenting with alternative styles of cooking and eating. Had it not been for BC, I would probably not be motivated to try out these new, healthier alternatives. I would not have discovered Sitharam's or Malliga's even though I pass that way countless times whenever I need to go to KL Sentral. So, it has been very enriching and it has really tested and stretched my creativity in the kitchen (usually guided and limited to what is found in cookbooks and what has been handed-down by my mum). I treasure the "hand-me-down" recipes from the family because they are unique and not usually found in cookbooks, and the beauty ( or is it pity?) of it all is they survive even though these hasn't really been formally recorded anywhere .
How does one capture a pinch of this and a handful of that and "sa-cukup rasa"? In any case, now that I have to, even those hand-me down recipes can be creatively modified now to suit my situation.
For Awal Muharam, to celebrate the new year I invited some friends over for tea. My friends know that I am an all-rounder when it comes to food - I am both a goreng pisang and cekodok fan as much as I am a cream tea complete with scones and clotted cream fan. So they did not really know what to expect now that I have so many pantangs, and offered to bring food that they think I can eat. I told them that the idea is for me to "jamu" them for all of their help in the past year and not the other way round. My only request to them is to bear with what I will be serving as Iam keen to introduce them to my alternative and healthier way of preparing my favourite eats. That way they will also know what I had to give up in order to build up my strength and immunity.
I cooked for 10. I was surprised that I had the energy to see through all of the cooking, and later entertaining. Of course the maid helped in the preparation of the ingredients after I showed her how. After much thought and a flurry of activities, we managed to put on the table the following goodies when the guests arrived at 4.30 - Nasi Kunyit with Organic Chicken Curry with potatoes, carrot and tomatoes; Nasi Kerabu ( 15 herbs - most home grown, serunding kelapa and serbuk ikan bilis and not ikan masin) with Sayur Asem ( Javanese dish, my maid's specialty, very nutritious with lots of vegetables); Bubur Hijau-Merah ( my creation - couldn't decide between bubur kacang hijau or bubur kacang merah, so mixed them both and it worked, very sedap!); Ubi Kayu Rebus (served steaming hot with grated fresh coconut and shredded gula melaka - very popular as the last time most had this was probably when they were teenagers!); and the piece de resistance - Wholegrain Cranberry Scones ( made with olive butter, raw sugar and grainy wholewheat flour) served with a choice of olive and real butter for the purists among my friends, with strawberry jam of course. And pink Dragon Fruit to clean the palate while sipping sen-cha (green tea). Yes, that was very brave of me not to offer coffee as at least 2 of my guests are coffee lovers and will always have their brew to make their meal complete. Quite a colourful meal.
It was a success, everyone enjoyed the food and I enjoyed watching them enjoy the food. The Ubi Rebus was a clear winner, it was so simple yet so good. I was overjoyed because I wasn't sure if they would miss the usual cake-house fare that one normally puts out with lots of pretty cupcakes and pastries and fried stuff. My guests left with a little gift I had wrapped nicely for them, a 7-Day Pillbox that they would find handy to take their supplements along when they travel. That too, is very colourful, each 3-compartment daily sub-containers in different colours. The whole thing is about the size of a 250 gram Cadbury bar, which was what I had originally planned to give but thought that the pillbox would be more useful.
A number of the dishes that day was experimental for me, and I will post them in my http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/ blog so I won't forget and in case anyone else is curious to try.
The recipe for the scones is not from Nigella Lawson's or Betty Crocker's or Martha Stewart's. I have this favourite recipe for scones that I got from a tea towel I picked up while visiting Scotland many(20?) years ago. I just needed to modify it a bit to accomodate my present dietary requirements, and it worked fine. I am in the process of experimenting with wholewheat roti canai and buckwheat mee mamak - cuz I do miss my mamak food so!
Note:* I was going to write "Kampung" inspired dishes but chose to use "Desa" instead. I get a trifle annoyed when the word "kampung" had been used in a degratory sense by some ignorant people who probably had not met really nice kampung folks who do not deserved to be insulted by associating the word "kampung" with anything that is less than "cool". I need to get this off my chest and will post an entry soon in my http://lifematters2me.blogspot.com/ blog . Grrrr....
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Suspicious Minds....
Only those who have been afflicted by Breast Cancer(BC) will understand another's worry and concern over an unexplained twitch, throbbing or pain in any part of the body. For the lucky ones who are uninitiated to the trials and tribulations faced by BC survivors, it is so easy to dismiss such articulated concerns as simple "paranoia", sometimes even your own doctors may think so.
But the fact is, while trying to be positive and striving to lead a healthier lifestyle, BC survivors will always have a deep-seated fear that the BC might come back, much dreaded and much unwelcome. While pushing these fears as far back as one could into the recesses of one's mind, one would keep praying to the Almighty for the strength to manage whatever has been planned for us. Knowing that after trying our best, only the Almighty knows what is best for us.
And for us to be redha.
Everytime when I hear of a BC survivor friend going through deep anxities, I feel deeply for them. I can appreciate the need to listen to our bodies, what the body is trying to tell us and taking action accrodingly, no matter how trivial or petty it may seem to others. It is okay to always have a suspicious mind and try to investigate what is causing the pain, the twitching and the throbbing. Was it something we ate , or did we knock into something that might have caused muscular injury, and hence pain, or perhaps too much inactivity that might have affected our circulation and nerves?
As yet I cannot claim to be free of BC, it is too soon. I will need to cross the 5 year mark to even consider myself partially clean. The first 3 years are critical. I have just crossed the 1st year threshold on January 8, on which date in 2007 I had my first encounter with my Breast Surgeon, during which a tissue sample highlighted potential malignancy. My toes still curl recalling that moment. And since that day and the surgery that follows, my body has had it's fair share of twitches, aches and pains. And tedious though it is, I have always "painstakingly" tried to account for the reasons for those aches and pains.
During those self inspection and investigation, I learnt that my body can no longer handle milk or milk products - I wheeze and go really "semput". So no quick cup of cappucino or an ice cream cone to manage a hot, humid afternoon. Once I had to rest for an hour in Borders after a much missed cup of Latte because during my book browsing trip, I just couldn't breathe 2 hours later. I almost checked myself into a hospital. What helped was some abdominal breathing and sitting quietly wth my eyes closed. The staff attending the stationery section would still remember me, I think, because I really gave her such a fright! She thought she might have to call an ambulance!
And just like everyone else tells me ( not doctors, as doctors don't believe in "pantang" ) while I am still on the mend ( since I had 2 surgeries done on the same breast in January and March 2008) internally as the internal scars still feel lumpy even though the dreaded lump was removed, I must avoid seafood and belacan. All "gatal" and inflamatory foods. Just to be sure, I foolishly tested the friendly advice, and confirmed that for me, seafood and all "gatal" stuff must be avoided for now. I had lovely big prawns (masak cili api no less with daun kunyit) and sure enough my affected breast and armpit where the scars were, itched like mad. And burning, really burning. I have banned seafood from my kitchen so my poor helper can only have the stuff if we eat out. At least for a year or two.
At this point, I think I have "accounted" for a few of the pains and twitches but there are still some which are unaccounted. I know my body is trying to tell me something and because the pains and twitches are still manageable and not in anyway limiting my daily activities, I am still "investigating" them. Although at my next follow up visit to my Oncologist and Surgeon, I will certainly raise them and see what they have to say.
Today, here is a list of unexplained twitches and pains in my body. Some come and go, while some linger then go, and yet some just linger, but only God knows why. Do I worry about them, yes, but I will continue to live as healthy a life as I can and pray to God that my body will have the needed strength to overcome. Insya Allah.
From head to toe, here's a list of "notable" but unexplained twitches and pains:
1. Slight twitching on the right side of the head (inside). I imagine this to be in the skull lining and could be due to a build up of lympathic fluid. 21 of my axillary lymph nodes were removed during surgery and this is affecting the lymphatic circulation in my left shoulder, arm , neck, and possibly head as well. A gentle rubdown sometimes help, and I really hope that is all there is to it.
2. Tightness and sharp shooting twitches ( not very painful more like shocks) along my left arm and pectoral muscles. I do arm exercises everyday after morning walks to help with the lymphatic flow and to avoild fluid build-up that may cause lymphedema.
3. Wheezing whenever I take milk and milk products. I also get lots of phlegm when this happens . I was never allergic to milk before, and used to make coffee or hot chocolate by warming milk and putting coffee or cocoa into a mug of hot milk and was perfectly alright.
4. My left breast still feels lumpy and twitches and itches at times. I cannot lie flat on my tummy without it hurting, and I have to be ever so careful not to bang myself around corners full frontal. It might kill me. I can't imagine how I am going to undergo the follow up mammogram that my doctor has scheduled for end of January 2008. To think that I have to place my breast within the 2 plates when it is still mending. I may have to ask for a deferral or just an ultrasound test if the doctor insists to see what's inside.
5. My abdomen (left side) gives sharp shooting pains sometimes, and gives squelching sounds if I try to distend or contract it. It could be acid in the stomach but it is very different from the gastric pains I had during chemo.
6. Throbbing aches and pains in my left pelvis sometimes. Comes and goes. Could be due to my sitting or sleeping position.
7. Sharp pains in my knee joints. It is less intense now compared to the excruciating pains I used to endure for a few months following chemo. The Qigong books I read recommend gentle rubbing ( circular motions) for 100 times for any aching spots in the body. Sometimes it works . It is probably circulation and the accumulated toxins that I need to disperse. Have to keep on rubbing the front and back of my knees when the pain shows up. Qigong always advocate gentle things that we need to do to ourselves in order to heal. I used to urut and "picit-picit" really hard whenever I have those aches and pains. No wonder it got worst.
8. Pains in my heels and unexplained soreness (no cuts, bruise or bumps) at the back of my right heel. Rubbing pounded ginger helps though a very messy process.
I hope the list gets shorter in due course and that soon I will be able to identify what is causing them so that I can avoid the causes.
I would like to imagine that they are all signs of growing "ma-tua" gracefully. I hope that is all there is to it. But once a BC survivor, I can't help being suspicious. I will continue to hope and pray for the best, expect the worst and accept what comes. God knows I am doing my best, and the best is not always easy to do, but I will still try, even if I die trying.
I have experimented with various cooking styles and modified some recipes to accomodate the new dietary approach that I hope will supplement my post BC treatment lifestyle, and will be posting some of the recipes in my other blog http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/
And oh yes, my tastebuds have never been the same. Food does not taste the same the way I used to know it, perhaps due to the less lavish use of salt and seasoning. It could also be due to my tastebuds still being on the mend as I still have strange aftertastes on my tongue and in my mouth in between meals. A simple solution is to have a sweet or drop in my mouth always but since strange aftertaste is not painful, and not bad enough to cause me nausea, I am fine with it. So, treatment affects people differently. Most BC survivors I meet tell me that their tastebds return to normal within 4-6 weeks after chemo. For me it has been 4 MONTHS and counting since my last chemo and I have not lost the funny aftertaste. Well, taking it positively, at least it will discourage me from bingeing on my favourite eats!
But the fact is, while trying to be positive and striving to lead a healthier lifestyle, BC survivors will always have a deep-seated fear that the BC might come back, much dreaded and much unwelcome. While pushing these fears as far back as one could into the recesses of one's mind, one would keep praying to the Almighty for the strength to manage whatever has been planned for us. Knowing that after trying our best, only the Almighty knows what is best for us.
And for us to be redha.
Everytime when I hear of a BC survivor friend going through deep anxities, I feel deeply for them. I can appreciate the need to listen to our bodies, what the body is trying to tell us and taking action accrodingly, no matter how trivial or petty it may seem to others. It is okay to always have a suspicious mind and try to investigate what is causing the pain, the twitching and the throbbing. Was it something we ate , or did we knock into something that might have caused muscular injury, and hence pain, or perhaps too much inactivity that might have affected our circulation and nerves?
As yet I cannot claim to be free of BC, it is too soon. I will need to cross the 5 year mark to even consider myself partially clean. The first 3 years are critical. I have just crossed the 1st year threshold on January 8, on which date in 2007 I had my first encounter with my Breast Surgeon, during which a tissue sample highlighted potential malignancy. My toes still curl recalling that moment. And since that day and the surgery that follows, my body has had it's fair share of twitches, aches and pains. And tedious though it is, I have always "painstakingly" tried to account for the reasons for those aches and pains.
During those self inspection and investigation, I learnt that my body can no longer handle milk or milk products - I wheeze and go really "semput". So no quick cup of cappucino or an ice cream cone to manage a hot, humid afternoon. Once I had to rest for an hour in Borders after a much missed cup of Latte because during my book browsing trip, I just couldn't breathe 2 hours later. I almost checked myself into a hospital. What helped was some abdominal breathing and sitting quietly wth my eyes closed. The staff attending the stationery section would still remember me, I think, because I really gave her such a fright! She thought she might have to call an ambulance!
And just like everyone else tells me ( not doctors, as doctors don't believe in "pantang" ) while I am still on the mend ( since I had 2 surgeries done on the same breast in January and March 2008) internally as the internal scars still feel lumpy even though the dreaded lump was removed, I must avoid seafood and belacan. All "gatal" and inflamatory foods. Just to be sure, I foolishly tested the friendly advice, and confirmed that for me, seafood and all "gatal" stuff must be avoided for now. I had lovely big prawns (masak cili api no less with daun kunyit) and sure enough my affected breast and armpit where the scars were, itched like mad. And burning, really burning. I have banned seafood from my kitchen so my poor helper can only have the stuff if we eat out. At least for a year or two.
At this point, I think I have "accounted" for a few of the pains and twitches but there are still some which are unaccounted. I know my body is trying to tell me something and because the pains and twitches are still manageable and not in anyway limiting my daily activities, I am still "investigating" them. Although at my next follow up visit to my Oncologist and Surgeon, I will certainly raise them and see what they have to say.
Today, here is a list of unexplained twitches and pains in my body. Some come and go, while some linger then go, and yet some just linger, but only God knows why. Do I worry about them, yes, but I will continue to live as healthy a life as I can and pray to God that my body will have the needed strength to overcome. Insya Allah.
From head to toe, here's a list of "notable" but unexplained twitches and pains:
1. Slight twitching on the right side of the head (inside). I imagine this to be in the skull lining and could be due to a build up of lympathic fluid. 21 of my axillary lymph nodes were removed during surgery and this is affecting the lymphatic circulation in my left shoulder, arm , neck, and possibly head as well. A gentle rubdown sometimes help, and I really hope that is all there is to it.
2. Tightness and sharp shooting twitches ( not very painful more like shocks) along my left arm and pectoral muscles. I do arm exercises everyday after morning walks to help with the lymphatic flow and to avoild fluid build-up that may cause lymphedema.
3. Wheezing whenever I take milk and milk products. I also get lots of phlegm when this happens . I was never allergic to milk before, and used to make coffee or hot chocolate by warming milk and putting coffee or cocoa into a mug of hot milk and was perfectly alright.
4. My left breast still feels lumpy and twitches and itches at times. I cannot lie flat on my tummy without it hurting, and I have to be ever so careful not to bang myself around corners full frontal. It might kill me. I can't imagine how I am going to undergo the follow up mammogram that my doctor has scheduled for end of January 2008. To think that I have to place my breast within the 2 plates when it is still mending. I may have to ask for a deferral or just an ultrasound test if the doctor insists to see what's inside.
5. My abdomen (left side) gives sharp shooting pains sometimes, and gives squelching sounds if I try to distend or contract it. It could be acid in the stomach but it is very different from the gastric pains I had during chemo.
6. Throbbing aches and pains in my left pelvis sometimes. Comes and goes. Could be due to my sitting or sleeping position.
7. Sharp pains in my knee joints. It is less intense now compared to the excruciating pains I used to endure for a few months following chemo. The Qigong books I read recommend gentle rubbing ( circular motions) for 100 times for any aching spots in the body. Sometimes it works . It is probably circulation and the accumulated toxins that I need to disperse. Have to keep on rubbing the front and back of my knees when the pain shows up. Qigong always advocate gentle things that we need to do to ourselves in order to heal. I used to urut and "picit-picit" really hard whenever I have those aches and pains. No wonder it got worst.
8. Pains in my heels and unexplained soreness (no cuts, bruise or bumps) at the back of my right heel. Rubbing pounded ginger helps though a very messy process.
I hope the list gets shorter in due course and that soon I will be able to identify what is causing them so that I can avoid the causes.
I would like to imagine that they are all signs of growing "ma-tua" gracefully. I hope that is all there is to it. But once a BC survivor, I can't help being suspicious. I will continue to hope and pray for the best, expect the worst and accept what comes. God knows I am doing my best, and the best is not always easy to do, but I will still try, even if I die trying.
I have experimented with various cooking styles and modified some recipes to accomodate the new dietary approach that I hope will supplement my post BC treatment lifestyle, and will be posting some of the recipes in my other blog http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/
And oh yes, my tastebuds have never been the same. Food does not taste the same the way I used to know it, perhaps due to the less lavish use of salt and seasoning. It could also be due to my tastebuds still being on the mend as I still have strange aftertastes on my tongue and in my mouth in between meals. A simple solution is to have a sweet or drop in my mouth always but since strange aftertaste is not painful, and not bad enough to cause me nausea, I am fine with it. So, treatment affects people differently. Most BC survivors I meet tell me that their tastebds return to normal within 4-6 weeks after chemo. For me it has been 4 MONTHS and counting since my last chemo and I have not lost the funny aftertaste. Well, taking it positively, at least it will discourage me from bingeing on my favourite eats!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Guo-Lin Qigong - personal reminders
I promised myself that I will jot down some notes on the Qigong steps I have learnt , or to be more precise, have been taught so far. I would have truly learnt what I needed to know if I have practiced daily, and if I were to add up the time to carryout the various versions, it will take me a good couple of hours. Something to strive for.
The group meeting by the lakeside in Taman Jaya at 7 am every Saturday morning comprise of beginners like me ( a BC survivor ) who may have completed treatment or may still be managing chemo. There are also others who just turn up to take up the practice to preserve their health and hope for longevity. Membership to the Guo-Lin Qigong Association ( originated in China) in Malaysia is open to all and for RM 190, you are a life member, otherwise, it is Rm 10 joining fee and RM 20 annual fees. Reaaly peanuts, or rather kuaci, for the benefit of being taught some "exercise" that has been known ( though as far as I know not scientifically proven through the usual process of reconfirming that something works or otherwise) to have significant health benefits.
The idea is to help our body use it's own vital energy or "chi" (hence the "Qi" in Qigong) in healing and in increasing our resistance to any ill-effects that our environment might pose to us.
The practice focuses on proper breathing ( a bit like yoga when pranayama is crucial), concentration on correct movements when executing the various steps and keeping the mind free from all distractions. If done correctly, an hour of Guo-Lin Qigong inclusive of the opening and closing sequence would have opened up all the Chi pathways in our body, allowing energy to flow freely and without obstruction. The timed breathing accompanying the movements would have allowed more oxygen into our lungs, and eventually to our cells. Cancer cells find it difficult to proliferate in an oxygen-rich environment.
For me, just the idea of being with a group of people who are genuinely passionate about working(hard) their way to good health is so healing. You don't need a fancy studio to practice Qigong. Mostly it is done outdoors. Ideally it would be good to do it in a green park with water nearby. If that is too difficult, a quiet room will do where instead of walking the perimeters of a park, one can do the "stationary walk" indoors. You need to wear comfortable loose clothing and comfortable walking shoes.
Unfortunately (for me, that is) the instructions are in Mandarin ( which is one of the languages I have been planning to study!) but Agnes, one of the instructors, was good enough to teach the steps to me in English. I would be getting a handbook (in English) detailing the various steps and what the steps are called in 2 weeks time.
What makes Qigong challenging is that it looks soooooooo easy when you are watching someone else do it, but try to do it yourself and you start to have doubts. However, with practice and perserverance, nothing is impossible. Unlike Yoga where beginners would have their own limitations and must be careful not to over-exert or else injuries may result, the Qigong steps I have been taught so far appear to be fairly safe...no room for injuries unless you walk with your eyes closed and accidentally step on sharp objects or walk into a tree or into a lake.
Note to self on the Qigong I have been taught so far:
For all of the steps , the same reminders will apply -
1.breathe in and out through the nostrils always except during the opening and closing sequence. Breathing is abdominal, where the tummy is distended when air is drawn in and flat when air is breathed(squeezed) out. Easier to practice this while lying down as we can see our tummy heaving up and down, rather than our chest.
2. the tip of the tongue (mouth closed always) must always touch the palate behind the upper rows of teeth. This allows for smooth Chi flow.
3. arms should hang loosely from the shoulder joints and the upper arms must not touch the side the body, there should always be space under the armpit. Sort of standing like an orang-utan, really.
4. both palms should face parallel to the ground, it is okay for the fingers to curl though.
5. must face the earth's magnetic North when doing the opening and closing sequence.
Hmmm, not that easy writing all these down trying to recall from memory what the si-fu had said.
6. always look straight - eye level, not up to the blue skies or down at the pavement.
7. when turning head, do at 60 degrees, turn also trunk from waist upwards.
8. if saliva collects in mouth during sequenc, good!, swallow gently, don't spit out. This is "sweet dew".
Opening Sequence:
Face the Magnetic North. Use a compass, or estimate by working out where is the Qiblat(West) and figure it out from there.
Stand with feet astride at shoulder width, toes pointing straight, knees lightly bent, arms by the side, relaxed, space under armpit, look straight, palm parallel to the ground.
a.Count 60 ( about one minute ).
b.Then slowly place right palm over the "dan-tien" (navel) and slowly put the left palm on top of the right palm. Close eyes and breathe normally (in/out) once, then inhale slowly (tongue on palate) followed by exhaling through the mouth, tongue straight , so it is a bit like blowing out gently and slowly. Normal breathing in/out and repeat the inhale/exhaling sequence 2 more times.
c.Finally, gently push hands away and out in front, palms still parallel , and slowly spread hands out, right hand to the right and left hand to the left with palms at same level as the navel, until the hands are slightly more than shoulder-width apart. Once hands are apart, turn wrist so that both palms face inward and at each other before slowly drawing them inwards, fingers slightly curved until the 2 middle fingers meet. That's one count. Repeat the sequence again 2 more times before letting arms to hang loosely by the side again ( note: space under armpit).
So much for the opening sequence...it is so much easier to do than jot down!
Closing Sequence:
Similar to Opening Sequence except that it should be done in reverse order. Do steps c, b and a.
However for the closing sequence, count 120 instead of just 60, so that will take about 2 minutes.
Find a solitary bench and sit quietly for 15 minutes before resuming any other activities.
These sequences are intended to build up and preserve the Chi in our bodies and will help to build up our vital energy and strength, after completing whichever Qigong steps we choose to do
Various Guo-Lin Qigong steps: I have yet to get the "official' names for these steps, but will be jotting them down with the names that I had personally assigned so that I will remember what's what!. The official names have been told to me but my lack of Mandarin didn't help very much in retaining them! All I can remember is "Dan-tien" (navel/center)and how to count the breathing "Si, si, fu" (in, in, out).
1. Slow Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si,Si, Fu - Si, Si, Chuan(Complete sequence takes an hour). Start with right leg 20 mins, then left leg 20 mins. Step c before changing leg.
2. Fast Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si, Fu, Si Fu, Si Chuan. Start with right leg 10 mins, then left leg 10 mins. Step c before changing leg. Complete sequence takes about 25 mins or so. Do this when you don't have an hour to spare.
3. Stationary Qigong walk 1 - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si Si, Fu, Si Fu. 9 times for each leg for each set, to do 3 sets. Do c once before changing leg, and do c 3 times between each complete sequence. Front foot "heel", Hind foot "toe". Hind foot at 45 degrees, Front foot point forward. Complete sequence takes about 45 mins.
4.Stationary Qigong walk 2 ( arms behind trunk with back wrists resting on kidneys). Same as 3 above. Both 3 and 4 can be done in your hotel room if you are travelling or when it rains and you cannot get to a park.
5. Fast Stationary Qigong walk. As in 3 and 4, but 27 times for each leg, do 3 sets. Count Si, Fu, Si, Fu.
6.Balanced Qigong walk . Count Si, Si Fu(turn to right when right leg forward) and Si, Si Fu ( turn to left when left leg forward). In otherwards to synchronise turn to match the front foot.
Do for 20 minutes.
Aiiiyaaah...I didn't realise it can be quite tricky to put into words what your feet and arms and head and breathing need to do at the same time! Well, whatever, it is the actual doing and practice that is crucial. Not what I jot down...these are just to trigger my memory before too many new steps get the better of me. The instructor says there are more to learn and practice!
I was told that even if you have been practicing for years you may sometimes miss out on some key aspects. No side effects or injuries if you do it wrong or jumble up your sequence but what's the point if you cannot derive all intended benefit after taking the time to do it? I did see some seasoned practicioners walking with no space under armpits, or palm not parallel to ground or arms not relaxed but both bent. Agnes reminded us to imagine that we are stroking a huge ball when we swing our arms while walking, with the forward arm bent so that the palm is at the level of the navel while the other arm is straightened ( but relaxed not stiff) alongside the side of the body.
It is actually quite easy if one really focus and practice daily. Insya Allah. Each of the 6 different steps will require it's own detailed instructions if I were to ensure that it will serve as a reminder years down the road. That I will do in my notebook and illustrate with sketches of the required alighnment and positioning.
Thank you, Madam Guo Lin.
The group meeting by the lakeside in Taman Jaya at 7 am every Saturday morning comprise of beginners like me ( a BC survivor ) who may have completed treatment or may still be managing chemo. There are also others who just turn up to take up the practice to preserve their health and hope for longevity. Membership to the Guo-Lin Qigong Association ( originated in China) in Malaysia is open to all and for RM 190, you are a life member, otherwise, it is Rm 10 joining fee and RM 20 annual fees. Reaaly peanuts, or rather kuaci, for the benefit of being taught some "exercise" that has been known ( though as far as I know not scientifically proven through the usual process of reconfirming that something works or otherwise) to have significant health benefits.
The idea is to help our body use it's own vital energy or "chi" (hence the "Qi" in Qigong) in healing and in increasing our resistance to any ill-effects that our environment might pose to us.
The practice focuses on proper breathing ( a bit like yoga when pranayama is crucial), concentration on correct movements when executing the various steps and keeping the mind free from all distractions. If done correctly, an hour of Guo-Lin Qigong inclusive of the opening and closing sequence would have opened up all the Chi pathways in our body, allowing energy to flow freely and without obstruction. The timed breathing accompanying the movements would have allowed more oxygen into our lungs, and eventually to our cells. Cancer cells find it difficult to proliferate in an oxygen-rich environment.
For me, just the idea of being with a group of people who are genuinely passionate about working(hard) their way to good health is so healing. You don't need a fancy studio to practice Qigong. Mostly it is done outdoors. Ideally it would be good to do it in a green park with water nearby. If that is too difficult, a quiet room will do where instead of walking the perimeters of a park, one can do the "stationary walk" indoors. You need to wear comfortable loose clothing and comfortable walking shoes.
Unfortunately (for me, that is) the instructions are in Mandarin ( which is one of the languages I have been planning to study!) but Agnes, one of the instructors, was good enough to teach the steps to me in English. I would be getting a handbook (in English) detailing the various steps and what the steps are called in 2 weeks time.
What makes Qigong challenging is that it looks soooooooo easy when you are watching someone else do it, but try to do it yourself and you start to have doubts. However, with practice and perserverance, nothing is impossible. Unlike Yoga where beginners would have their own limitations and must be careful not to over-exert or else injuries may result, the Qigong steps I have been taught so far appear to be fairly safe...no room for injuries unless you walk with your eyes closed and accidentally step on sharp objects or walk into a tree or into a lake.
Note to self on the Qigong I have been taught so far:
For all of the steps , the same reminders will apply -
1.breathe in and out through the nostrils always except during the opening and closing sequence. Breathing is abdominal, where the tummy is distended when air is drawn in and flat when air is breathed(squeezed) out. Easier to practice this while lying down as we can see our tummy heaving up and down, rather than our chest.
2. the tip of the tongue (mouth closed always) must always touch the palate behind the upper rows of teeth. This allows for smooth Chi flow.
3. arms should hang loosely from the shoulder joints and the upper arms must not touch the side the body, there should always be space under the armpit. Sort of standing like an orang-utan, really.
4. both palms should face parallel to the ground, it is okay for the fingers to curl though.
5. must face the earth's magnetic North when doing the opening and closing sequence.
Hmmm, not that easy writing all these down trying to recall from memory what the si-fu had said.
6. always look straight - eye level, not up to the blue skies or down at the pavement.
7. when turning head, do at 60 degrees, turn also trunk from waist upwards.
8. if saliva collects in mouth during sequenc, good!, swallow gently, don't spit out. This is "sweet dew".
Opening Sequence:
Face the Magnetic North. Use a compass, or estimate by working out where is the Qiblat(West) and figure it out from there.
Stand with feet astride at shoulder width, toes pointing straight, knees lightly bent, arms by the side, relaxed, space under armpit, look straight, palm parallel to the ground.
a.Count 60 ( about one minute ).
b.Then slowly place right palm over the "dan-tien" (navel) and slowly put the left palm on top of the right palm. Close eyes and breathe normally (in/out) once, then inhale slowly (tongue on palate) followed by exhaling through the mouth, tongue straight , so it is a bit like blowing out gently and slowly. Normal breathing in/out and repeat the inhale/exhaling sequence 2 more times.
c.Finally, gently push hands away and out in front, palms still parallel , and slowly spread hands out, right hand to the right and left hand to the left with palms at same level as the navel, until the hands are slightly more than shoulder-width apart. Once hands are apart, turn wrist so that both palms face inward and at each other before slowly drawing them inwards, fingers slightly curved until the 2 middle fingers meet. That's one count. Repeat the sequence again 2 more times before letting arms to hang loosely by the side again ( note: space under armpit).
So much for the opening sequence...it is so much easier to do than jot down!
Closing Sequence:
Similar to Opening Sequence except that it should be done in reverse order. Do steps c, b and a.
However for the closing sequence, count 120 instead of just 60, so that will take about 2 minutes.
Find a solitary bench and sit quietly for 15 minutes before resuming any other activities.
These sequences are intended to build up and preserve the Chi in our bodies and will help to build up our vital energy and strength, after completing whichever Qigong steps we choose to do
Various Guo-Lin Qigong steps: I have yet to get the "official' names for these steps, but will be jotting them down with the names that I had personally assigned so that I will remember what's what!. The official names have been told to me but my lack of Mandarin didn't help very much in retaining them! All I can remember is "Dan-tien" (navel/center)and how to count the breathing "Si, si, fu" (in, in, out).
1. Slow Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si,Si, Fu - Si, Si, Chuan(Complete sequence takes an hour). Start with right leg 20 mins, then left leg 20 mins. Step c before changing leg.
2. Fast Qigong walk - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si, Fu, Si Fu, Si Chuan. Start with right leg 10 mins, then left leg 10 mins. Step c before changing leg. Complete sequence takes about 25 mins or so. Do this when you don't have an hour to spare.
3. Stationary Qigong walk 1 - Turn Left, then Right. Count Si Si, Fu, Si Fu. 9 times for each leg for each set, to do 3 sets. Do c once before changing leg, and do c 3 times between each complete sequence. Front foot "heel", Hind foot "toe". Hind foot at 45 degrees, Front foot point forward. Complete sequence takes about 45 mins.
4.Stationary Qigong walk 2 ( arms behind trunk with back wrists resting on kidneys). Same as 3 above. Both 3 and 4 can be done in your hotel room if you are travelling or when it rains and you cannot get to a park.
5. Fast Stationary Qigong walk. As in 3 and 4, but 27 times for each leg, do 3 sets. Count Si, Fu, Si, Fu.
6.Balanced Qigong walk . Count Si, Si Fu(turn to right when right leg forward) and Si, Si Fu ( turn to left when left leg forward). In otherwards to synchronise turn to match the front foot.
Do for 20 minutes.
Aiiiyaaah...I didn't realise it can be quite tricky to put into words what your feet and arms and head and breathing need to do at the same time! Well, whatever, it is the actual doing and practice that is crucial. Not what I jot down...these are just to trigger my memory before too many new steps get the better of me. The instructor says there are more to learn and practice!
I was told that even if you have been practicing for years you may sometimes miss out on some key aspects. No side effects or injuries if you do it wrong or jumble up your sequence but what's the point if you cannot derive all intended benefit after taking the time to do it? I did see some seasoned practicioners walking with no space under armpits, or palm not parallel to ground or arms not relaxed but both bent. Agnes reminded us to imagine that we are stroking a huge ball when we swing our arms while walking, with the forward arm bent so that the palm is at the level of the navel while the other arm is straightened ( but relaxed not stiff) alongside the side of the body.
It is actually quite easy if one really focus and practice daily. Insya Allah. Each of the 6 different steps will require it's own detailed instructions if I were to ensure that it will serve as a reminder years down the road. That I will do in my notebook and illustrate with sketches of the required alighnment and positioning.
Thank you, Madam Guo Lin.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Another New Year! Hijrah 1429 coming...
Tomorrow it will be awal Muharam....and unlike the Gregorian new year recently, the atmosphere will not be as raucous and indicative of merry-making. Not much partying for sure. Instead the occasion will be relatively subdued as not the whole country will be celebrating. Only those practicing the Muslim faith, and even then for some, the day may be celebrated as just another holiday. To be quite honest, it was only within the last 10 years or so that I was aware of doa awal and akhir tahun, more meaningful to me than those easily broken new year resolutions.
So, for a few years now (maybe it was the onset of the golden age...) I look forward to awal Muharam. Apart from the religious significance of Prophet Mohamad's "hijrah" from Mecca to Medina, the occasion always prompts me to reflect deeply about religion and my own spirituality. Every year during those moments of reflection (muhasabah diri), I learnt new things about myself, the people around me and about the world and mankind at large. Sometimes I get nice surprises but there were times when I felt a little, and sometimes, a lot afraid.
Although there is a list of things relating to the past year that I could cry about, I have chosen to be thankful for each and everyone of the seemingly unfortunate events, both personal and those happening out there. On a personal level, what Hijrah 1428 revealed to me will certainly make me wiser and more determined to face 1429, insya Allah. Life can be short, so as the saying goes, live life to the fullest and do not sweat the small stuff. Avoid toxins and toxic people like the plague and continue to have faith in the Almighty that things have a way of sorting out, if one remains focussed. Create goodwill all around. Everything in moderation and be mindful of keeping in balance everything that I do.
It's amazing how certain events seem like they happened to someone else. I recall how foggy-headed I was throughout the various courses of treatment last year. It is such a difference when your system is clean and not overpowered by drugs and poisons, even though those had a mission to fulfill. I actually feel very refreshed, as though I had just been back from a really good vacation. Is it due to the fact that I am slowly detoxing away all the residual drugs from my system? Even the day looks much brighter than what it used to be, it is as though a thin sephia or veil has been lifted from my eyes and I get a very clear view of everything.
Syukur Alhamdullillah. It used to be I didn't know what to expect, even after I have completed my treatments ( except the Tamoxifen, which I am putting on hold for now). I thought once radiation is over, I would get back to normal. That was very naive and a real wishful thinking on my part. Everyone around seems to think I am "cured" ( and I pray so too) but with Breast Cancer, you just never know. I behave as though I am cured, but runing on a fraction of the energy level that I used to have.
Soon it was back to fatigue, yo-yo-ing appetite and taste in food, a temporary period of insomnia, fever for no reason at all, and equally mind boggling, constipation and bouts of diarrhoea when my dietary input was balanced and an extended (about 2 weeks) of chesty coughs with lots of catarrh. My eyes were watering and itching so much, I had to rub them sore.
The rash on my left foot that started when I did chemo, was really flaring up and my foot looked a sight. And my joints, ooh, they ache so much, "bisa" is the word to describe the sharp, acute pain. The only nice thing was my hair was growing back very nicely, no discomfort or pain there. I did look like a gollywog though, and still do as I feel "so sayang" to have it re-styled as it means trimming of some "hard-earned" hair.
It was not a good time to be making decisions about introducing more drugs like Tamoxifen into my body. What I was experiencing then was probably the cumulative aftermath of all the treatments. Just like a war, once the battle is over and the enemy is driven out, a country has to get used to the collateral damage. My body was trying to work it's way back to normal but couldn't because what I was going through the past 10 months or so, were not normal. I resisted the temptation to rush to a doctor whenever I wasn't feeling good and tried to talk to my body. Yet cautious ( I was monitoring my temperature of course) yet trying to see if I can trust my body enough to manage the symptoms.
Insya Allah, eating well and drinking copious amount of water and praying hard really helped. The symptoms eased away within 2-3 weeks and while I do get the occasional lapses in energy level, I believe I am on the mend. The joint pains have eased somewhat, though my ankles burn when I jump up after being seated, the rash has subsided, bowel movement okay ( diarrhoea only if I indulge in my favourite gulai cili api), and the coughs have gone. What remains is the "problem" with my left arm due to the axillary section during surgery, which now gets numb sometimes and feel like it is bloated with fluid. It probably is with lymph fluid if my lympathic circulation has been impeded due to wrong positioning of the arm.
The attempts ( I say "attempt" because it will take time to get it really right) at Qigong and yoga must have helped. Anyone inflicted with Breast Cancer would have heard of Guo-lin Qigong. Information on this is in Google. I was fortunate to meet a few practioners who encouraged me to turn up at Taman Jaya in PJ every Saturday morning at 7 am, and they have been teaching me some exercises that I can pursue on my own on other days of the week. Like yoga, I view this as a helpful mind-body-breathing technique that can help to heal a person on a holistic basis. As with everything else, practice makes perfect, so some days will find me in TTDI Kiara Park to do an early morning Qigong walk, as the si-fu's do their walk there and they can observe if what I am doing is correct. So far, insya Allah.
I have not discounted Tamoxifen, I know it is a good drug that will do the job it has been assigned to do. But for now, I relish this period of just being me, leaving my body to work itself to health, with me mind and soul, behind it all the way. Popping a pill is easy, the side-effects are not that easy but the end result may (note:may) be worth it. Trying to have faith and trust in your body is much harder, involves a lot of willpower, discipline and hardwork. Not to mention sacrifice. But if I don't do it, who will? And it is not as if it is just Breast Cancer that I am trying to fend off, it is other chronic diseases as well as anyone and everyone these days are prime candidates for you-name-it, Nauzubillah.
What I have learnt is to be redha, after trying my best with all the other treatments. Insya Allah, with lots of faith in what I am doing ( healthy living and being mindful about various aspects of health) and with God's grace, I hope I will be able to work myself back to health.
On this the last day of 1428, I thank God for everything I had learnt, endured and was blessed with during the year, and pray for things to be better not just for me, but for everyone else, friends and family.
I missed my mother very much this morning. Mothers always "doa" for their children no matter what, and I know if she is still around, she will doa for me to be healthy and happy like normal, after what I had been through. I took out the box that she left behind which contains some of her things, including some letters to me, and hugged it really tight. I sensed her motherly aura and smell when I hugged the box, and felt very much comforted. Another year, and it has been almost 5 years since she left us but not a single day has passed without me thinking and praying for her. Semoga Allah mencucuri roh Emak saya, Amin.
Tomorrow is awal Muharram. So to friends everywhere selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah. I will probably spend it at home with some close friends over for tea. These are friends who went out of their way to help me during my treatment, and they will now get to see and taste food cooked by a BC survivor ( less fat, less sugar, less salt, no refined white flour, etc) and not by my helper. They will probably thank their lucky stars that they do not have to go through it. The change in dietary practice has helped me to shed some of the kgs I gained though....so there is some good there!
Selamat Tahun Baru.....again! ( And in just about a month's time we will be wishing one another yet another greeting for a new year, won't we?)
So, for a few years now (maybe it was the onset of the golden age...) I look forward to awal Muharam. Apart from the religious significance of Prophet Mohamad's "hijrah" from Mecca to Medina, the occasion always prompts me to reflect deeply about religion and my own spirituality. Every year during those moments of reflection (muhasabah diri), I learnt new things about myself, the people around me and about the world and mankind at large. Sometimes I get nice surprises but there were times when I felt a little, and sometimes, a lot afraid.
Although there is a list of things relating to the past year that I could cry about, I have chosen to be thankful for each and everyone of the seemingly unfortunate events, both personal and those happening out there. On a personal level, what Hijrah 1428 revealed to me will certainly make me wiser and more determined to face 1429, insya Allah. Life can be short, so as the saying goes, live life to the fullest and do not sweat the small stuff. Avoid toxins and toxic people like the plague and continue to have faith in the Almighty that things have a way of sorting out, if one remains focussed. Create goodwill all around. Everything in moderation and be mindful of keeping in balance everything that I do.
It's amazing how certain events seem like they happened to someone else. I recall how foggy-headed I was throughout the various courses of treatment last year. It is such a difference when your system is clean and not overpowered by drugs and poisons, even though those had a mission to fulfill. I actually feel very refreshed, as though I had just been back from a really good vacation. Is it due to the fact that I am slowly detoxing away all the residual drugs from my system? Even the day looks much brighter than what it used to be, it is as though a thin sephia or veil has been lifted from my eyes and I get a very clear view of everything.
Syukur Alhamdullillah. It used to be I didn't know what to expect, even after I have completed my treatments ( except the Tamoxifen, which I am putting on hold for now). I thought once radiation is over, I would get back to normal. That was very naive and a real wishful thinking on my part. Everyone around seems to think I am "cured" ( and I pray so too) but with Breast Cancer, you just never know. I behave as though I am cured, but runing on a fraction of the energy level that I used to have.
Soon it was back to fatigue, yo-yo-ing appetite and taste in food, a temporary period of insomnia, fever for no reason at all, and equally mind boggling, constipation and bouts of diarrhoea when my dietary input was balanced and an extended (about 2 weeks) of chesty coughs with lots of catarrh. My eyes were watering and itching so much, I had to rub them sore.
The rash on my left foot that started when I did chemo, was really flaring up and my foot looked a sight. And my joints, ooh, they ache so much, "bisa" is the word to describe the sharp, acute pain. The only nice thing was my hair was growing back very nicely, no discomfort or pain there. I did look like a gollywog though, and still do as I feel "so sayang" to have it re-styled as it means trimming of some "hard-earned" hair.
It was not a good time to be making decisions about introducing more drugs like Tamoxifen into my body. What I was experiencing then was probably the cumulative aftermath of all the treatments. Just like a war, once the battle is over and the enemy is driven out, a country has to get used to the collateral damage. My body was trying to work it's way back to normal but couldn't because what I was going through the past 10 months or so, were not normal. I resisted the temptation to rush to a doctor whenever I wasn't feeling good and tried to talk to my body. Yet cautious ( I was monitoring my temperature of course) yet trying to see if I can trust my body enough to manage the symptoms.
Insya Allah, eating well and drinking copious amount of water and praying hard really helped. The symptoms eased away within 2-3 weeks and while I do get the occasional lapses in energy level, I believe I am on the mend. The joint pains have eased somewhat, though my ankles burn when I jump up after being seated, the rash has subsided, bowel movement okay ( diarrhoea only if I indulge in my favourite gulai cili api), and the coughs have gone. What remains is the "problem" with my left arm due to the axillary section during surgery, which now gets numb sometimes and feel like it is bloated with fluid. It probably is with lymph fluid if my lympathic circulation has been impeded due to wrong positioning of the arm.
The attempts ( I say "attempt" because it will take time to get it really right) at Qigong and yoga must have helped. Anyone inflicted with Breast Cancer would have heard of Guo-lin Qigong. Information on this is in Google. I was fortunate to meet a few practioners who encouraged me to turn up at Taman Jaya in PJ every Saturday morning at 7 am, and they have been teaching me some exercises that I can pursue on my own on other days of the week. Like yoga, I view this as a helpful mind-body-breathing technique that can help to heal a person on a holistic basis. As with everything else, practice makes perfect, so some days will find me in TTDI Kiara Park to do an early morning Qigong walk, as the si-fu's do their walk there and they can observe if what I am doing is correct. So far, insya Allah.
I have not discounted Tamoxifen, I know it is a good drug that will do the job it has been assigned to do. But for now, I relish this period of just being me, leaving my body to work itself to health, with me mind and soul, behind it all the way. Popping a pill is easy, the side-effects are not that easy but the end result may (note:may) be worth it. Trying to have faith and trust in your body is much harder, involves a lot of willpower, discipline and hardwork. Not to mention sacrifice. But if I don't do it, who will? And it is not as if it is just Breast Cancer that I am trying to fend off, it is other chronic diseases as well as anyone and everyone these days are prime candidates for you-name-it, Nauzubillah.
What I have learnt is to be redha, after trying my best with all the other treatments. Insya Allah, with lots of faith in what I am doing ( healthy living and being mindful about various aspects of health) and with God's grace, I hope I will be able to work myself back to health.
On this the last day of 1428, I thank God for everything I had learnt, endured and was blessed with during the year, and pray for things to be better not just for me, but for everyone else, friends and family.
I missed my mother very much this morning. Mothers always "doa" for their children no matter what, and I know if she is still around, she will doa for me to be healthy and happy like normal, after what I had been through. I took out the box that she left behind which contains some of her things, including some letters to me, and hugged it really tight. I sensed her motherly aura and smell when I hugged the box, and felt very much comforted. Another year, and it has been almost 5 years since she left us but not a single day has passed without me thinking and praying for her. Semoga Allah mencucuri roh Emak saya, Amin.
Tomorrow is awal Muharram. So to friends everywhere selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah. I will probably spend it at home with some close friends over for tea. These are friends who went out of their way to help me during my treatment, and they will now get to see and taste food cooked by a BC survivor ( less fat, less sugar, less salt, no refined white flour, etc) and not by my helper. They will probably thank their lucky stars that they do not have to go through it. The change in dietary practice has helped me to shed some of the kgs I gained though....so there is some good there!
Selamat Tahun Baru.....again! ( And in just about a month's time we will be wishing one another yet another greeting for a new year, won't we?)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
It's A New Year!!
Hello January! Today is a day just like yesterday or the day before...but it is in a brand new year! And as tradition would have it, we wished each other and everyone we know and meet a "Happy New Year" just when the clock hands meet at 12 midnight a couple of days ago.
I do this every year too, and as always at the beginning of each year, I have been very cheery and overly optimistic and feel incredibly strong to do whatever it takes to meet life's surprises. And when the year starts unfolding, I find that more often than not, the level of optimism will waiver and sometimes I find that some surprises seem too much to handle.
What I have re-learnt and was reminded of in the past year though is that, no matter how shocking some of life's surprises can be, there's always a positive outcome. I just need to look for it and benefit from it. No pain, no gain. Some lessons of life require different "techniques" before these can make an impression on you.
And so will it be with this coming year....let's thank God Almighty that despite the trials and tribulations of 2007, we have crossed over into 2008 rather smoothly, syukur Alhamdullillah. Life will continue to dish us more surprises, some welcomed and others questioned, but whatever, here's hoping and wishing that we will be granted the strength and wisdom to preserve and improve on what will be good for all of us, Insya Allah.
Let us pray that it will indeed be a Happy New Year in 2008, despite the surprises that we already have even though it is only day 2 of the brand new year! 363 days more to come in this new year, and maybe twice as many shocks and surprises.
A brand new day, a brand new year....if we have been good, we can always be better. Happy New Year to everyone!
I do this every year too, and as always at the beginning of each year, I have been very cheery and overly optimistic and feel incredibly strong to do whatever it takes to meet life's surprises. And when the year starts unfolding, I find that more often than not, the level of optimism will waiver and sometimes I find that some surprises seem too much to handle.
What I have re-learnt and was reminded of in the past year though is that, no matter how shocking some of life's surprises can be, there's always a positive outcome. I just need to look for it and benefit from it. No pain, no gain. Some lessons of life require different "techniques" before these can make an impression on you.
And so will it be with this coming year....let's thank God Almighty that despite the trials and tribulations of 2007, we have crossed over into 2008 rather smoothly, syukur Alhamdullillah. Life will continue to dish us more surprises, some welcomed and others questioned, but whatever, here's hoping and wishing that we will be granted the strength and wisdom to preserve and improve on what will be good for all of us, Insya Allah.
Let us pray that it will indeed be a Happy New Year in 2008, despite the surprises that we already have even though it is only day 2 of the brand new year! 363 days more to come in this new year, and maybe twice as many shocks and surprises.
A brand new day, a brand new year....if we have been good, we can always be better. Happy New Year to everyone!
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