Spring Cleaning

May 17 (Day 15, cycle 2)

How time flies.....it is already middle of May and we are almost half-way into 2007! And in 6 days time, I am due for my 3rd chemo, which will mean I will be at the 50% completion stage of my chemothrapy treatment, yahoo...!Now that I am back to feeling normal, I am ready to do it again. If anyone were to ask me on my 8th or 9th day if I was looking forward to the next chemo cycle, my answer would probably be very different.




Putri says: "Mama Mi.....are you going to skip Emend the next time and go for the same anti-nausea medication for your first cycle....what was it....Arcoxia? That made you go wek-wek but you were tired only for 3/4 days. Emend worked to stop you from going wek-wek but you got constipated and became a real nuisance updating your friends on your daily bowel movements. And boy, weren't you tired....zapped....flat....like that stuffed toy that you use to support your neck..... Maybe you ask the good doctor if there is another anti-nausea that is better than Emend and Arcoxia? Ask lah.....don't be shy...."





I am beginning to miss my babies very much. When my brother Ijan came, he showed me some videos of Troy, Ashley and Putri that he captured on his mobile. Waaail.....they sound like they are right there in front of me, golek-golek and miaowing so seductively. I would go back to Melaka with my friend RJ had it not been for the fact that I am now committed to hold the Garage Sale on Saturday, something that I need to do to clear some pre-loved but no longer relevant stuff. It seems 2 houses on my street are participating, and a few others on the other streets.

During my morning walk to get the papers, I did a recce and saw that the Estate Agent had posted banners on a couple of the houses, and she told me that someone will be coming to post a banner on my gate so the neighbourhood will know where to go. I was the last entrant. I felt that it was divine intervention that I came to know about the event. I would usually only read mail (including junkmail) if they come in envelopes, rarely loose flyers which will go straight into the thrashbin, unless they are absolutely eye-catching. But that day, I had actually gone through every individual piece of flyer, card, and junkmail, and came across the invitation to participate in the Garage Sale. It is an opportunity for me to unload and unclutter, and I really should make the most of it.

It must be a time for spring cleaning. The DBKL in collaboration with the Sri Hartamas Resident's Association has also initiated some activities to spruce up the neighbourhood and make it safer. For a few days now, we have trailers and cranes lopping of branches from the Raintrees lining the road bordering Damansara Heights on the other side. All the trees now look like multi-pronged catapults, bare and half their original heights. We have lost some leafy green shades under which our visitors could park their cars, but we now have added assurance that no cars will be flattened should a strong tropical rainstorm uproot any of the tall trees or should a huge branch be struck by lightning and alight on a waiting car below.

I hope I will be able to sort through what I needed to go through prior to the Garage sale and that I will not exhaust myself too much in the process. 2 of my young nephews have volunteered to help so if they don't change their minds, I will have 2 energetic assistants. The thought of clearing and creating space in the house is very exciting though. At least now, I should be able to prepare a decent room downstairs for the soon-to-arrive-but-God-knows-when fulltime maid. At this time, the room is full of stuff that are not required in the other rooms as well as boxloads of memories.

The boxloads of memories are the hardest to part with, inconsequential though they may seem to others, I have held on to them for the longest time....old school magazines, old photographs, postcards from travels ( that I sent to myself in KL), brochures, tickets, cards and postcards from friends, travel journals, itineraries, gifts, and yes.....(blush).....old cards and letters in the days of Mr Postman, bring me a letter. Some at least 30 years old. I know I still have a letter from my Mum written to me when I was a student in the UK, which contained a recipe for rendang. A treasure if there is one. And plenty of Hallmark cards for various occasions from various friends and acquaintances-birthdays, festivities, Valentines, Thank-Yous, Sorry and much more. Just as I can't explain why I have kept them all these years, I find it hard to explain why it will be difficult for me to let them go now.

Well whatever. My target is to clear the room downstairs so that the wardrobe in there would be empty and not contain kitchen and baking paraphenalia that I hardly ever use, and to create enough space on the floor to install a single bed or a day bed. If I can do that, it will be a major achievement as it is something I have intended to do for a long time but did not know where to begin. Until now.

You Are Fat!

May 16 (Day 14 of Cycle 2)


Putri the Cat says: "Err....emmm....Acu Ijan is absolutely right.....and he means well......take it positively lah....okay Mama Mi...? If you are a cat like me, you can be really a cute thing the way you are now.....but......err...ehemm...you are not one of us....so ......perhaps....you need to watch out a bit during your feeding times, huh?"

Syukur Alhamdullillah this is another "Feel Good" day, almost like normal that I had the tendency to push myself. My brother who is visiting from Melaka, again communicated to me in sign language " Kak, Ami, you are very fat now!". It was a silent communication but it "sounded" to me loud and clear.....aah well, he is absolutely right. I will allow myself the weight gain as long as I don't start huffing and puffing running my regular activities. I will need to develop an exercise regime to maintain or lose but not to put on any more kgs.


I have begun to sort out some stuff that I will put out for the street garage sale this Saturday. They are all in boxes now, waiting for me to go through them again. Hopefully they will not end up back inthe cupboards or shelves! What a hoarder I have been, a lot of the stuff I hadn't used in years. I have given away, recycled and donated a lot of stuff but soon as I created some space, they were very quickly filled up again with new things. I have to be really strict and un-sentimental this time. And learn to detach myself from some of these possessions which are no longer important in the current scheme of things.


What a coincidence that Jalin Realty, a neighbourhood realtor is organising this "Street Garage Sale" as part of their Community project. Anyone in the neighbourhood can participate and they will do the publicity. A few of the households are participating and I thought I will join the crowd. I met up with one of their organisersand when she saw my place she exclaimed that I do have a lot of stuff , she thought I have a big family living in the house with me! Well, if you count my babies, yes, there are 4 of us!


Going back to what my brother said this morning, YES I HAVE PILED ON SOME WEIGHT!! I can only positively hope that while the WMDs attack any cancerous cells, there will be lots more good cells left behind for me to work on (ie exercise, pilatise, yoga-ise). Quite a few of the work clothes in my wardrobe look like they belong to someone else, someone who is probably starving to death. It is really a scary moment to try and get into some of these clothes, and it has just been 2 years! While in Melaka, I wear a lot of drawstring pants at home and baju kurungs for social occasions and when going out. These styles do not tell you when your gebu-ness increases.


Never mind. At the moment, as long as I exercise some restraint and make sure the weight does not pile up in an unhealthy fashion, then I should be thankful that there is a little bit of flesh to buffer me against the impact of the WMDs. And slowly but surely as I go through the treatments, I need to get my exercise program started and fit them in according to my energy levels before plain laziness creeps in. It has been noted that a good exercise program will help towards keeping cancer from recurring, Insya Allah. Not a prevention but a factor towards reducing the possibility of a recurrence.


I am not eating excessively, in fact I eat less sugary stuff now and very particular about the fats I use now. Perhaps it is the slowing down and less energy consumption (simply because there was just not much energy sometimes) that is also slowing down my metabolism. And of course, it is the fact that I am menopausal where with everything else being equal, a woman would typically gain some weight.

Some people I spoke to mention that it is quite common to put on some weight during chemo, It is them steroids, they said! Well, I don't mind being chemo-cuddly as long as I feel good during the treatment and as long as I will be able to get back to my normal healthy weight range after treatment, Insya Allah!

Feeling Good even with cracked lips

May 15 (Day 13 of cycle 2)

This was a "Feel Good" day and I indicated such in the daily medical journal.
My blood test did not indicate any further decline in WBC though it did not register a jump either. It will take a while for the boosters to "work" and y system will also naturally try to repair itself between now and the next cycle.InsyaAllah if I eat and rest well, my next pre-chemo FBC would indicate a good count, enough to proceed to cycle 3. I can't wait for my chemo to be 50% complete!





.......................Hairy Rambutans........................

Up till now, I still have a few survivors on my scalp, the die-hards of my last hairdo. I am leaving them there until the end of the 2nd cycle just to see if the WMDs will wipe them out. I will shave them off or at least trim them neatly so that I will not get the flattened look whenever I remove whatever headgear I was wearing. My head actually looks like a huge rambutan, though not as appetising. In fact not appetising at all...

I have been lucky to be spared really serious mouth ulcers or sores so far. I am indeed glad that prior to chemo, I managed to get all outstanding dental work done. It took BC to finally get me off my butt to get a root canal job done. During chemo and radiation, no dental work is advisable due to the risk of infection and tissues not being able to heal as quickly. Radiation will also expose me to some radioactivity and too bad if I get a toothache because I will not be able to have any tooth extracted, it seems , until after a year post-radiation. That is why dental hygiene is so important and extra care required during chemo and radiation.

I have never flossed so much in my life. From a once-a-day flosser, I turned into a 3-4 times a day flossie. Paranoia? No, just being cautious, especially when I get all kinds of fibres trapped inbetween my teeth after turning extra carnivorous (all the beef for red blood) and herbivorous (all the fibrous and dark green vegetables and fruits) for fibre and also blood. However my mouth/lips are not used to the extra "torture" of having flossing activities done more than once a day, so the outer corners of my lips suffer! I now have little cracks that sting if I smile too widely or laugh too much. I try to fix this with the sweet glycerine borax solution that my Mum used to apply on us when we had ulcers. If that doesn't work, I will need to mention it to my doctor . It has just started, so it is still at a tolerable stage, and I hope it will not escalate into something really painful.

Other than that , I am feeling really good, and cannot believe that just a few days ago I felt like covering my head with a paperbag or putting it under a pillow so that I can doze off to forget the fatigue. However chemo fatigue is not something that you can sleep through. It is something "designed" I think to slow you down because chemo patients really need to slow down and rest during the time when the WMDs hit, just as a built-in "protection(?)" in case accidents happen.

Just like what happened last week. I was tired, but because I was determined to get up and about, I drove out to get a few things from the shop. When I got home, I parked the car by my front gate, parallel to the road in front and got my stuff in. When I woke up the next day, the car was missing, it wasn't where I had parked it! I tried to recall if I had given it to my sister-in-law to drive it and I just knew that it couldn't have been because she was not in town.

Puzzled I walked to the front gate trying to remember where exactly I had parked and at the same time, concerned that maybe someone had stolen the old jalopy. THEN I SAW IT !!! Right infront of my neighbour's front gate, at least 2 houses away and it was kissing another car! A lemon-green Myvi was facing my car and thank God for that. Otherwise it would be kissing the other neighbour's Merc!

What to do but to ring the bell and apologised to the neighbour ( first time we spoke even though we have been neighbours for yonks). Thank God he found it quite amusing. When I reversed my car, we discovered that his son's Myvi was torn in places and the plate number was crushed. I offered to pay for the damage. He said that's fine, he knew a workshop that can repair the damage inexpensively. I will still insist to pay for it once I know that he has got the job done. He asked me if I had forgotten to pull up the handbrake. I did set it on, but it seemed that it wasn't all the way up as it should have been although I knew I applied all my might. So, another thing for me to watch out for the next time I park my car during chemo fatigue. I have been driving for almost 30 years and this is the first time something like this happened. And thank God it is within the neighbourhood.....

My friends NMN, RN and JA dropped by at different times in the evening and they were quite amused to see me back to my "normal" self although I sounded really down just a few days earlier, personally and blog-wise. It was nice of NMN to bring me a supply of ginger from Janda Baik, organically grown. JA dropped by on the way to pick up her daughter, and she brought some vegetables from Kucing, the Sarawak Midin and Pucuk Paku which she had asked her colleague from Kucing to buy.

I hope the ensuing days will be the same if not better. My brother will go back to Melaka after spending a couple of days here. He has indicated that he is game to join me for the Relay for Life event on June 2. Good.

Relay For Life

May 14 (Day 12 of Cycle 2)

Syukur Alhamdullillah it has been a pretty normal day. I forgot that I am in between chemo sessions and that I have another blood test tomorrow to check if my WBC has improved after the 2 booster shots on Friday and Saturday. My temperature was normal after coming back from seeing my doctor, so I did not take the antibiotics. I am not sure if that was good judgement, but I was feeling much better over the weekend and am feeling fine today. When RJ, my brother and I went out for lunch yesterday, I kept being gently reminded that we have been out for quite sometime, that perhaps we should get back home so I could rest. Trust RJ.




I spent the rest of the day planning for what I can do for the upcoming Relay For Life scheduled for June 2-3, 2007 ( a Saturday and Sunday) organised by the National Cancer Society of Malaysia (NCSM). I have been to the National Cancer Center before during the early stages of diagnosis to seek a second opinion from the resident specialist, Dr Sulaiman. I am impressed with the way the Center is organised and administered. The warmth and dedication of the staff at the Resource Center has to be genuine. They must be there because they love what they are doing and are not just being employees there.



Ms Adeline Joseph at the Resource Center provided me with quite a bit of reading materials and programs that I could consider joining if I am so inclined. One that perked up my interest is a pamphlet on an event that is to take place in June. It is an overnight event (6pm June 2-10am June 3) to raise funds for the NCSM.

According to the registration form, The Relay For Life Event is the world's largest fundraiser with events in 8 countries. It all began in America in 1985. This will be NCSM's inaugural Relay For Life Kuala Lumpur to coincide with our 40 years of Nathionhood and Visit Malaysia Year 2007. I am quite excited to play my bit in this event and plan to enrol as a team if I can rope in my buddies to go for the experience. And be there to acknowledge that while Cancer may have claimed many lives, the spirit of those we have lost, live on. As well as to acnkowlegde and celebrate life, faith and the re-awakening of the spirit and soul of those still around battling the disease. And to celebrate the unfailing support of caregivers and cheerleaders who unselfishly spur us on.

The date coincides with days 10-11 of my upcoming Cycle 3. So insya Allah, provided there are no surprises, my energy level should have settled back to normal and that if I exercise enough caution, I should be able to manage being in a crowd, recognising that up to days 15, my immunity will be at it's lowest but hopefully I would have got my 2 booster shots by then.

.............Gone but Never Forgotten.............

I can only imagine the number of people who are still grieving over their loved ones who have succumbed to the Big C. Acceptance is difficult enough but faith and time heals. But we are only human, and an object, a scent and even just being in the room where we had lost our loved ones can jolt us back to that day, the moment when we felt that we could have done more and not suffer from the pangs of guilt and remorse. It is hoped that by helping others in similar battles that we can redeem ourselves and provide others with their chance of survival so that they in turn can generate similar motions of generosity and hope.

And here's hoping that the Relay For Life event will be a success and that NCSM will meet their target and noble objective. Registration forms are available at the NCSM Resource and Wellness Center , Bangunan Persatuan Kebangsaan Malaysia, 66 Jalan Raja Muda Abdul Aziz, KL. Telephone: 03-26927705/26987300.

Email: contact@cancer.org.my

Website: www.cancer.org.my

Every Day Is Mother's Day

May 13 (day 11 of Cycle 2)


Today is Mother's Day Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are mothers......may you get to spend the day with your loved ones and be reminded again, and again, that you are loved even though at times it may not have been that obvious........!!

...................HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY....................


It is day 11 of cycle 2. It is a "normal" day today.....no more side effects, no signs of fatigue. It is a normal Sunday, a laid back day, a read-the-Sunday papers-brunch-with friends-p.malam-day. There was an interesting article about building better libraries in one of the papers. Here's hoping that the writer would be contacted by the relevant authorities to "audit" their community libraries to see if these will pass the acid test. Otherwise we will continue to be spending public funds running these places as only a storage space for old, outdated books. I have been to a couple of community libraries where the buildings have been newly reconstructed, only to be filled up with only old books. One gets the feeling of visiting a book museum rather than an actively furnished library.

As today is Mother's Day, the papers had a good coverage on how Mothers are celebrated today. I couldn't help feeling slightly envious of the people who still have their Mums to love, spoil and cherish. And the fact that they are able to have them around today.

My own mum passed on more than 3 years ago and not a day has passed without me thinking about her, missing her, and sometimes talking to her. After each solat, I recite the Surah Al-Fatihah for her. At extreme moments ( of happiness or disappointments ), my mind automatically goes into a " if only Emak is here she will....."mode. When cornered to make a decision, after going through fancy decision making approaches, it was always the "what will Emak do, if she is in my position" question that will give me my answer. Almost always.

So today being Mother's Day, I salute my Emak. I can't buy her a gift or bring her a cake or pink flowers(her favourite colour). I can't hug her and tell her I am still very sorry that I was not able to be by her side when she went to meet the Almighty on that fateful day in October 2003. But what I can do today is to doa for her soul to rest in peace. She must be very tired after raising all the 6 of us. I will doa that she be blessed, like I do every day, without fail. Chemotherapy side-effects and fatigue have not succeeded to make me forget this daily ritual that I do for Emak. Hopefully not ever.

I believe in Qada and Qadar. But what wouldn't I give to have her with me just for a moment during this period in my life. Just to be able to share with her my fears and concerns and have her wisely tell me that "semua penyakit ada ubat, yang mustahak kita mesti usaha". She walked her talk and I am sure if she was still around, she will be my first point of consult to tell me to go ahead and leave it to the doctors. She had great faith in the medical proffession. She will leave no room for doubt in the decision I had made.

I imagine Emak would ask to see the surgery site. Just like when we had a fall or a bump when we were kids, she would gently touch the sore spot, and blow it gently (hembus) with her mother's breath and recite a few ayats to make me feel better. And I would know that would contribute to 90% of my recovery and the rest would be my effort. And God's will. Now that Emak is not around, it will be 100% my effort and God's will. My built-in pillar of support is now my own will ,and the strength I hope I had inherited from her, from looking after her during the last few years of her life.

I miss you Emak. Not just today but every day. And I hope my doa(s) are delivered to you in the hope that you are at peace until that day when all of us meet again. Alfatihah kepada Emak. Semoga Roh Emak di cucuri rahmat. Amin.

Have Faith.....

May 11 & May 12( Day 9 and 10 of cycle 2 )



May 11 (Day 9)

My temperature registered okay at 37.2C this morning, better than the 37.5C of the day before. Normal body temperature is 37 C. I am due for my FBC tomorrow (Saturday May 12 which is 10 days post-cycle when the WBC is expected to dip at its lowest count). I called up my Oncologist DDIW to check if I could defer my FBC to Monday instead of on Saturday so that I could make a long weekend trip to Melaka, and if a "hovering" 37.2-37.5 body temperature is okay since it is still within the 38C danger zone. He was a bit concerned that I was feeling feverish despite temperature still below 38C and suggested I called in today to get my FBC done, a day ahead of schedule.


I did that and was at the Medical Center by noon. They did an urgent FBC, and noted that even on the 9th day my WBC is already quite low at 2.9 . His instruction to his Onco Nurses was that if below 3.0, I need to get my boosters started the same day. So , I ended up having my FBC done earlier not later, and the same with the booster shots which started today. He also prescribed a 5 day course of antibiotics as a precaution to keep whatever infection at Bay. I was also required to return on Saturday for the second booster (Granocite). This time because I will be on antibiotics too, the doctor did not prescribe any painkillers. As it turned out, I did not experience any back or muscular aches.




The fatigue returned! It was unbelievable that just the day before I was all over town, full of energy and today I relapsed to being a toy with a spent battery! It continued the whole day. That spelt it out for me that I have to expect the unexpected and deal with the unexpected when it does. I will not have the energy to drive to Melaka now as the boosters and antibiotics may make me drowsy, so I cancelled my plan to go back for the weekend. My brother will come down to KL instead. But I know the fatigue may soon pass, and should it return yet again, I should not be too disappointed. Cancer is teaching me to expect uncertainties no matter how well I had planned or prepared for anticipated outcomes. As with Life, ups and downs are also temporary and no matter how well one plans, one must expect the unexpected and deal with it without fuss. Even the best laid plans by mice and men can go haywire and higgledy piggledy.



I came back in time for lunch when my friend brought over freshly made Kerabu Kacang botol and Kerabu Pucuk Paku. My throat was actually beginning to feel a bit tight and while it wasn't painful to swallow (yet), I suspect the heat of both the weather outside and of that building in my body (hot flashes) was beginning to manifest itself. I had also accidentally bitten the right side of my tongue close to my premolars and that is beginning to feel slightly sore. A small sore or tongue ulcer might be developing and I will need to manage that soon before it gets worse and infect my whole mouth. If it does, how to eat well, mah?






My Boy Troy says: " Alaaa...Mama Mi..we thought you are coming to see us and Atok!.... I have already placed myself in your shoulder bag so that I can hitch a ride to KL....are you sure, and absolutely sure, that you don't want to be with us on Mother's Day........??What will Cat-Moms do when their cats ain't around on Mother's Day? Go to the Dogs?"





Aaah well....I need to remind myself again and again, expect the unexpected and deal with it. After dealing with Cancer, dealing with Life should be a gift to be thankful for, no matter what else Life may bring. Waking up in the morning is a gift, as cliched as it may sound.


I spent the rest of the day resting and trying to decide if I want to participate in the street Garage Sale that a realty company is trying to organise for our area. I visualised myself rummaging through my lockers and store cupboards to identify what I can let go. There are so many things in the house that I have not been using or will ever need to use although I have been slowly "spring cleaning" in the last couple of months. This is a good time as any to do a stock take, and retain items that I really cannot do without. At first glance, I can certainly create a lot more physical space around the place if
I let go of non-essentials. And I will need to re-define essentials and non-essentials within the context of the recent life-changing event in my life.



May 12 (Day 10)


I slept rather well through the night and woke up feeling better. However due to the rather frequent diet of liver (calf/chicken) to boost my blood count, my bowel movement was fouled up again, although I took the precaution of taking some prune juice last night and again in the morning! I didn't like this at all as it will give me a "constipated" look all day.


Something rather nice happened while I was getting ready to go to the Medical Center for my second/final booster shot. Syabas called me! It seems they should be able to revert to me by middle of next week on whether my appeal is successful or otherwise. I offered to be at their review if they need me to be there to personally present my case. They indicated they will let me know if so. Ya Allah, I hope they will be fair and reasonable and waive the full amount...



After getting my booster shot done, SMM who accompanied me to the Medical Center suggested we grab lunch and do some retail therapy within the airconditioned malls in Bangsar. I have not done that recently and since it was such a hot day, I fell for the idea. We must have walked around for hours. I had to rush home as a friend's daughter was going to send some books over to the house. I was also planning to have some friends over for dinner as Kakak had cooked Kari Ayam Kampung with Nangka Muda, and it is not easy to find such a dish in KL. Jackfruit/Nangka is a highly recommended fruit for Blood type O and is supposed to be nutritious, although too much of it, according to my experienced older relatives, can give you indigestion.




I don't know how we managed it, but the 4 of us had dinner at my place, then relaxed a while watching TV and by about 9 pm decided that we needed to go out for supper because we haven't done that in a long time. We found ourselves tucking into Tandoori Naan with Keema, Dhall (Pakistani style which is much, much tastier than the local Dhall) and Tandoori Chicken!
Talk about bottomless stomachs! It was close to midnight when they dropped me off and Kakak was already asleep.



Tomorrow is Mothers Day. I know I will miss my Emak very much and I hope I will be able to pay a tribute to her in my next posting.

Confuse-ius!

May 10(Day 8 Cycle 2)


It was a beautiful day in every sense of the word. I woke up feeling really energised and spent a long time on the sejadah after solat penuh kesyukuran that the low energy phase of this cycle was over. I have quite a few personal errands to manage and catch up on. And for the second time this cycle, I drove out, this time a longer drive to the Medical Center and later Bangsar to have lunch with a friend. I also went to Syabas to personally deliver my letter of appeal. I am re-appealing against a RM 17800 water bill in arrears for an underground leak that wasn't detected until after 31 months in 2004! Puas did not read my meter and the leak was discovered when they did a kemas-kini. Even in my most generous mood, I will not pay that amount, not for the quality of water that was provided( over or underground), I'd rather give to RSPCA or charity. Hopefully their powers-that-be will reconsider my appeal.




Because it was so grand to feel fully charged up again ( I felt like a wind-up toy which had just been tuned up), I was very selective over what I wanted the day to be. My Oncologist had a lobby full of patients to see him ahead of me and because I had nothing critical to check with him other than my temperature swinging between 37.1-37.5 C (37.2 C now), I decided not to wait. A 38 C or more temperature is a sign of possible infection and normal body temperature is 37 C. So I am still within the "safe range" and should only go to ER when it is 38 or more. Perhaps it is due to the hot flashes that I am experiencing because of the drugs.





I had booked an appointment to consult my Breast Surgeon on the nagging twitchings around the surgery area. When I saw her, she re-assured me it is normal to experience that as the area will take some time to heal and that as long as I stick to the prescribed exercises, it would be fine. The final knot was removed from the scar and I was to expect more gradual changes to the shape of the breast as it heals. That is to say, a few months to a year from now it may look different from today as scar tissues shrink and new tissues fill up the area. But she cautioned me to expect more changes after radiation as even the colour and texture will change and will take a long time to get back to normal, if at all. It's good to know what to expect so I can psyche myself up.





And she told me to GET REAL! To work on my mind and tell myself that I am not fatigued and to fight the lethargy. As though it wasn't what I have been trying to do. The fact that I was up and about and feeling gung-ho to meet with a friend for lunch after 6-7 days of feeling tired like a deflated tyre is a sign of victory to me. It could also be all the beef goodness that I had been feeding myself over the last 2 days. In any case, she always makes sense. I told her I feel like making a short trip just to relax ( the last 6-7 days wasn't relaxing, I was under the weather) but am concerned that I might feel sick again and worse, get an infection while away. She said, by all means go and if , Nauzubillah, an infection crops up, then deal with it then! Otherwise I will be staying in and depriving myself a proper life while under treatment just because I am so pre-occupied with all the "what-ifs".

Milla the Kitten: " Let's take it easy and stop overloading ourselves with all these information! It is so tiring to read conflicting information from all these books. Check with your Doctor if in doubt, they always know best lah....! Me, I just like to LOOK at magazines, with lots of colour!"

It has been quite confusing, really on the do's and don'ts during treatment period. Read 10 books and you may get some consistency but will also find quite a bit of contradictory information. The same with talking to different people. My personal conclusion is that there is nothing wrong to read up and and be aware of what's out there and how other people manage their treatment period/side effects. Having information is good. It is how we use the information. At the end of the day, everyone is different and will react differently to treatment depending on individual make up. It's being selective on what will work for me.

Some people even took the extremely brave stand of not undergoing conventional medical treatment and go holistic all the way. I have yet to personally meet a long time survivor of this approach. I am aware of a friend whom I met at a writing workshop who was diagnosed about a year ago and is on herbal treatment and will try to find out how she has been managing. I have also met chemo buddies who apart from what the hospital prescribes are also on various other supplements that helped them manage their side-effects and their blood count has been good. In other words, they have not been hit by the drastic side-effects of the WMDs. Some still have lots of hair on their heads.

For me, I have checked with the medical proffessionals that I have seen if there is anything I could take to "protect" me from the side-effects. The consensus response seem to be, stick to what the medical center prescribe and take your normal supplements (eg Multivites and Calcium) and no others. If the side effects of chemo are intolerable or discomforting, to let them know and they will prescribe medication to alleviate the side-effects. Bottom line, to leave the WMD to do its job and not confuse the body with extra agents that might compromise the outcome of treatment. Upfront, it has been explained that in order for the WMDS to get at the cancerous cells, the collateral damage to fast multiplying good cells are inevitable. And the process of recovery is intended to manage the damage.

I can understand and appreciate the reasoning and logic of the medical opinions as similarly stated in a number of the publications. But as a patient who has to "suffer" the side effects and who have a myriad of potential "cures" or "supplements to reduce side-effects" being introduced to them by well meaning friends, relatives and salespeople, it is very easy to get confused and inspired with the notion of a "cure". Especially if the "cure" is something easy to take, oral tablets or a tonic to add to a drink and very affordable compared to the cost of chemo drugs, it is so easy to switch confidence.

I have been advised not to spend too much energy ( will leave me sapped with fatigue!) on this and leave the treatment protocol to the experts. Once I have made the decision to go the conventional medical way, then I should heed what is expected from me by the doctors. Had I made the choice to go traditional or holistic, then I should similarly follow the chosen approach wholeheartedly all the way. Mixing the two may compromise one or the other that in the end neither will work and the body will really, truly suffer due to the unintended "abuse".

I have sought guidance from the Almighty to the choice that I have made and I continue to seek guidance from the Almighty for the strength and commitment to withstand the testing challenges that are part and parcel of the treatment regime I have opted for. And not to give up halfway. Or allow myself to be compromised along the way with "easy cures". Nothing is easy. Nothing. It is all about faith and belief, whicever way we take as the mind is a very powerful ally on our side. It believes, we believe , it works. Insya Allah.

My next Interim Blood count is coming up on Saturday May 12, dinner was a rich , healthy affair of stir-fry calf's liver with lots of ginger, carrots and peppers lavishly sprinkled with dark soya sauce. Vegetables were stir-fried spinach and stir-fried fat taugeh. Very nice. Let's hope I don't need a booster this time. And the 3rd cycle on May 24? I can't even begin to imagine what the outcome will be, all I know is will be different again for different people, and I am certain I will yet learn of a few more interesting results!