Remembering Allahyarhamah Nurin

In two days I would complete my 25 Radiation Therapy sessions, which started on August 27 . Twenty sessions of photon radiation to my affected breast area and five"booster" sessions of electron radiation to the surgery scar area on the same breast. I had earlier planned to record what the treatment had entailed for me during the week, but got derailed from that plan as I was too much shaken by the latest disruption to hit our peace of mind - Nurin's fate. My eyes still well up in tears whenever the image of her lifeless face flashes across my mind. Like her parents, I was hoping we will find her alive. We did not.



I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.


My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.


I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.



Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.

Bouncing back in Ramadan

It's day 6 of the holy month of Ramadan...a month favoured by many to be a month of cleansing and purification, a month of introspection deep within one's soul, a month to do good, to be even better than one had ever been before.....a time for charitable acts, a time to strengthen feelings of kinship, and a time to be really true to one's self during which most worldly and materialistic concerns take a somewhat backseat......


What a mouthful! For someone who is fasting, I surprise myself at the mouthful of words that I have keyed into the previous paragraph. That is what happens I suppose if one has been unabashedly writing away, freely, whatever comes to mind when pen or pencil hits paper. And writing away every day, with no fear or favour - write, write, write whatever comes to mind in my trusty green journal, now looking very battered and abused due to being pounded on first thing in the morning upon rising and any time in between when I can have a moment in the comfort and privacy of my room, even in the bathroom. And squirrelling it away so that I don't see it when I wasn't writing, in case I have a change of mind and decide to change or erase what have been written earlier. It was so comforting to really write as it flows, no editting, no subconscious awareness that someone else might be reading what I had scribbled as honesty was the main theme of the writing and therefore, if chanced upon by others, some hearts might be broken and possibly, my poor, bald head might be broken along with that!


For my blogopals who might have wondered about my absence in blogosphere from the last post till now, please accept my assurance that I am still a keen blogger.....just taking a much needed "break" to drill into myself, to really discover for myself what makes me tick and what gets me kicking. My apologies for not checking my tm.net emails and the blog. I needed a break in a routine that constantly reminded me of my sad yet meaningful battle with cancer. Not that I can ever forget.


After almost 4 months of blogging about my experience with managing treatment, and just before my last and 6th chemo which I took on July 26, it dawned on me that very soon, there will be no more "weapons" fired into my system to kill any lurking bad cells. I will be on my own, entirely on my own, to ensure that I regain my health and not allow any future recurrence, Insya Allah.

While it was a relief to tell myself "aah, only 1 more chemo to go", I had felt awkwardly scared that I will have "nothing" to be fighting bad cells in me. Sure, the Radiation Therapy will assist with any residual traces of microscopic bad cells (as I like to tell friends, yang dah menetas and yang belum menetas) that might have eluded surgery and even chemotherapy, but what happens after Radiation? I have at that point in time, and up to this moment, entertained the option on going for alternative therapy to manage or bar future recurrence.


Unless convinced otherwise by my doctors, I am not looking to pursue Hormonal Therapy. Yup, no more drugs into my body after this, so no Tamoxifen. I know that Tamoxifen works wonders for others for whom the possibility of recurrence might be due to their biological or genetic make-up. For me, based on my self-analysis and introspection while undergoing treatment, I came to the conclusion ( further validated by the themes and contents of my "wild" writing spree during my blog silence) that the cancer cells invaded my system because I had not been very good in managing my stress, resulting in a lot of negative impact on my immune system and an unhappy blob at the back of my mind which I was not conscious of until it surfaced during my moments of self assessment and introspection.


The "discovery" was awesome, and scary. I need to change, I don't need drugs or another surgery. No surgery or drugs can remove traces of negative feelings, resentments, guilt or regrets that might still be flowing in my mind/body although I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. The fact that some events in my past still had the power to sap my energy , both unconsciously or sub-consciously mean I had not truly gotten over them. And for my own survival and well-being, I NEED TO GET OVER THEM.


No surgery or drugs or doctors can help me with this. I realise that the introduction of this disease is Divine Intervention of the highest kind for me, to show me that I need to stop, think and move forward without letting any errors, regrets or guilt from the past to haunt me or limit my creativity or desires. No prescription pills can make me let go of the past, no surgery can remove past or present resentments from suppressing my happiness. I have to do it, myself and take the necessary steps to do so. While I am the same person as the one pre-cancer, I just cannot afford to behave or react to emotional situations the same way as before. If I do, I will be back to square one, and pay the toll and face the consequences. And if I have an ounce of respect for myself, that should be my mission from here on....to improve me, in a holistic kind of way - mind, body, spirit.


If it means transforming myself so that I am not the same person to some of the people who knew/know me, then so be it. As long as I am still a worthwhile person, why should it matter if I am no longer as giving, to the point of deficit, both emotionally and physically? God has given me an opportunity to "re-invent" myself in the way I manage my reactions to stressful situations, to divert my energy to more meaningful pursuits other than undertaking thankless jobs of managing the burdens of others, to really evaluate what really matters to me in this short life (that can be hanging in the balance if I am not mindful of how I manage my mind and body), and to increase my knowledge about how to be better prepared to face the "next" world.


I would be really stupid if I don't interprete my recent experience(s) this way. My utmost thank to Allah, syukur Alhamdullillah, that I discovered the cancer, underwent a successful surgery to remove it, managed the challenges of chemotherapy and now, Insya Allah, am almost mid-way in undergoing 25 daily sessions of Radiation Therapy and still feeling hopeful and confident that I can overcome this. With Allah's grace, I really should seize the moment to act upon what I have discovered about myself so that the future me will have a stronger consitution and that my mind will ease and help my body ward of potential diseases, Insya Allah.


As I couldn't pinpoint a single "Lifestyle Factors" that could have burdened me with the cancer that was eradicated, since others are faced with the same lifestyle options and environmental stresses (and yet cancer-free), the only contributing factor had to be ME. So from here on, I will take full responsibility for my health, strengthen my consitution and pray that God will take note of my effort and help me along. For how can anything happen without God's will.


And this holy month of Ramadan couldn't have come at a better time, for me personally, as the month-long reflection(and terawihs) is really helping me to re-inforce my recent discoveries and my belief that Allah always has a reason for letting things happen, and that if we are willing to help ourselves, Allah is always on hand to give us a nudge and a tweaking every now and then, to urge us on the right path. Insya Allah.


As it has been for me, I hope the fasting, prayers, charity in this month of Ramadan will bring all my family, friends and ummah all the blessings and enlightenment that are needed for a truly happy existence. A happy heart is a healthy heart. Or is it the other way around? What does it matter, for as long as you are healthy, count your blessings and be happy to remain healthy.

May Allah bless everyone. I will try to post everynow and then to share my experience of Radiation treatment ( a few mentionable incidents there!). And on a more serious note, to jot down some of my "self-discoveries" which are honest findings, which made me wonder if other cancer survivors discovered any awkward/unpleasant truths about themselves that might have caused their cancer to grow and win round 1, 2 or 3. I truly believe we cause our own disease, not the ikan masin, dairy products, red meat or canned food! And that only we can heal and protect ourselves from the disease, no pills or drugs can stop it if our mind and body allow it to take root. Insya Allah.


Selamat Berpuasa, dear friends. Ramadan Kareem.....


P.S.
For those in the neighbourhood, our Sri Hartamas Surau holds a Buka Puasa every evening during Ramadan and a Moreh after Terawih ( lapan rakaat, by the way). Nice, simple fare courtesy of residents who book a date with a caterer to "sedekah" a Buka Puasa Juadah. It is open to all who "sudi" to come for prayers here. Small, cosy family atmosphere, just a small crowd of about 100, no parking problem at all. Me? I walk from my house, need to un-load the excess baggage ( 8 kilos!) slowly gathered during chemo. :)