AllahuAkbar.....!

What a year it has been....! To think that a new one is lurking just around the corner and only God knows what surprises it will bring!

A quickie roundup since the last post (Sept 26). Before that, Selamat Aidil Adha to all Muslim friends. Just a second ago I was almost tearing my hair out (yes, hair has sprouted quite abundantly) because I could not log on. Forgot my password. Google to the rescue and all is well.

Where my BC is concerned, I have completed all conventional treatments just in time for Hari Raya. Radiation therapy was a breeze compared to the tsunami-like upheavals during chemo.
Daily 20 minute trips(each way) for 25 days to get my chest irradiated with intense rays to kill remnant cancer cells lurking around the surgery scar area and the axillary cut under my left armpit. Happy cheerful trips except on one occasion when I had to cancel my treatment because I was robbed on the way, right from the comfort of my car! Some desperado smashed my front passenger seat window while I was taking off after waiting on a red light, and took off with my handbag! Got that sorted out strangely smoothly so my ID's all show me at my age now. I cursed the fella, and later took it back and hope he was going to use the money for a sick mother or pay important bills!

Post-radiation was a different story. A fortnight later my left breast looked and felt like a lumpy burnt toast. So was my armpit! The area was sore and the doctor advised me to leave it alone, don't scratch, no creams, no soap, just let water run over it while showering. A miracle (blessing?) happened - I did not need to use deodorants after this, and still smell pleasant. Just as well as some anti-perspirants contain aluminium which can be carcinogenic. I was asked later to apply some baby oil but what really worked for me was Himalaya's body lotion and Fruits Of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. Very soothing and helped to moisturise the skin. Took a while for skin to turn to normal and the dark burnt layer to peel off. Took some shots for posterity and to be used as a deterrent if I crave for foods that can cause inflammation ( and gatal2). No belacan and ikan gatal for now. I think my deeper layers of skin are still scarring and trying to heal even though the top layers look pretty normal now.

The next step was a full CT scan to be used as a baseline, which I had done in October. No major issues though my surgeon did say I may need to do a chest x-ray in 3 months time. Up to now, I have not said "YES" to Tamoxifen yet. I know for an ER+ /PR+ case like me, that is next on the checklist as the gold standard treatment, after Surgery, Chemo and Radiation. Much to the displeasure and disappointment of my doctors, I have for now decided not to pop Tamoxifen in my mouth everymorning. Who can tell the future, except God?

God knows I have braved myself for the trials and tribulations of the earlier stages of treatment. Insya Allah I have eradicated all bad cells existing up to that point in time through invasive therapies - chemo and radiation. Who is to know what the future will hold - there are so many unknown threats to health, not just BC. I seek God's will to help me manage my health, lifestyle and situation better so that not only do I hope to fend off future cancers, but other health problems as well, if God wills it. I just want to feel responsible for my own health now. Should the unknown enemy rear it's ugly head (Nauzubillah) then, I will turnto my good doctors for help, then we would know exactly what we are fighting for. I would like to save Tamoxifen as something we could whip out from under our sleeves, should the unfortunate happen. If it doesn't, then Syukur Alhamdullillah.

I have been through the side-effects of chemo drugs and radiation, and I am still recovering. It will be a while before my system is clear from all the residual traces of invasive drugs and radiation. I long for my body to feel normal again, for my energy level to be up, so I can be up and about without tiring easily. For that reason, I am closely monitoring my lifestyle to try get back to normal. Though "normal" will be far from what normal used to be. I have learnt to make adjustments here and there, and accepted that some things have to change. It has been a most educational experience. I know about the disease as much as I needed to know and more, and have met and learnt from the kind people I have encountered because of my being a BC patient. God bless all the people who have provided support all along. They made it that much easier for me. I have also learnt a lot about friendships and family, and along the way made many new friends who are dearer to me now just like family. On the flipside, I have also learnt to differentiate the wheat from the chaff, and realise who my true friends are.

If there's one thing that a life-threatening illness can teach you, it is this - BE SELECTIVE and do not be shy or afraid to say NO. Life is so short to waste on undeserving issues, and each new day, it is important to make oneself feel good before one can make others feel great. A very simple philosophy, but just as simple to forget and overlook. Especially in the effort of trying to be "selfless" and "kind". Be kind to self first. Do I sound selfish? You bet. I am now more afraid of displeasing my Maker than of anyone or anything else.

2007 will be a year to remember indeed. Will I try to erase it from my mind, of course not!
I derived strength from the challenges thrown my way during the year, and I felt as though I have shed a layer of old skin that is now replaced by a new one that is not as easily hurt, stressed or annoyed. A tough skin.

Let's talk about the cats now. My three babies are back with me in KL. Poor things - all cooped up in a townhouse and no longer free to roam around a kampung compound with it's share of trees, shrubs and interesting "toys" to play with like chickens, squirrels, monitor lizards and birds. They are back to scratching my sofa. It is sooooo nice to have them around. I have to alter their diet as they tend to put on weight due to the lack of running around.

Troy is really big, he looks like a dog. A limping dog. And Ashley, must be going through menopause, always trying to find fault with poor Putri and have her paws on Putri's head whenever I wasn't looking. Something must have happened between them when they were living in Melaka. Putri seems timid somewhat, I need to "counsel" her and see why she seems withdrawn. She used to be frisky and leaping all over the place.

My 3 babies have not just one, but two new friends. Blackie, the domestic stray continues to be just that. I would be in Melaka for a month and God knows who feeds him, but the moment I am back, he would appear at our front gate. The neighbours must have fed him as he always appeared healthy, not like he has been scavenging for scraps from dustbins.

We now have an additional stray, a cat we decided to rescue. We call him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, bulky chest, thick neck and all. Except when we found him on the patio table upon our return from kampung, he was badly injured in the mouth and was almost dying. Smelly pus was dripping from his jaw and he was weak. We nursed him to recovery and when he had a relapse of whatever it was ( we learnt later it was a liver problem, and low immunity ), we decided to let the Vet to take charge. 18 days with the Vet and Bouncer has bonced back to health. He doesn't want to leave our porch, so it's one more to our collection of rescued cats. He has a lopsided jaw but can still afford to look amazingly cute, he has a "plate-face" ( muka pinggan, if you can imagine what I mean). I will try to get him to pose for the camera one of these days and put up his picture here.

Family ? The same as always - and I have learnt to accept certain things. Very little bug me these days in this area. As long as everyone's fine, that is what matters. I am here, they know where to find me.

What next? Only God nows. Yes, I have plans....many plans. But as the events of 2007 taught me - we can plan, but God will execute what is deemed the best for us. With that, I seek God's forgiveness and blessings, and am redha' with God's will. God is all knowing and I seek God's guidance each day so that I can keep my chin up, my head and spirit high ( but not in the clouds). Will I continue from where I had left off earlier this year? Will I seek new directions?
Only God knows what is best for his insan. AllahuAkbar.

My warmest greetings to everyone for a meaningful time at year-end to reflect over the past 12 months and my prayers for everyone to have a happy, healthy and successful 2008. Insya Allah.