Tomorrow it will be awal Muharam....and unlike the Gregorian new year recently, the atmosphere will not be as raucous and indicative of merry-making. Not much partying for sure. Instead the occasion will be relatively subdued as not the whole country will be celebrating. Only those practicing the Muslim faith, and even then for some, the day may be celebrated as just another holiday. To be quite honest, it was only within the last 10 years or so that I was aware of doa awal and akhir tahun, more meaningful to me than those easily broken new year resolutions.
So, for a few years now (maybe it was the onset of the golden age...) I look forward to awal Muharam. Apart from the religious significance of Prophet Mohamad's "hijrah" from Mecca to Medina, the occasion always prompts me to reflect deeply about religion and my own spirituality. Every year during those moments of reflection (muhasabah diri), I learnt new things about myself, the people around me and about the world and mankind at large. Sometimes I get nice surprises but there were times when I felt a little, and sometimes, a lot afraid.
Although there is a list of things relating to the past year that I could cry about, I have chosen to be thankful for each and everyone of the seemingly unfortunate events, both personal and those happening out there. On a personal level, what Hijrah 1428 revealed to me will certainly make me wiser and more determined to face 1429, insya Allah. Life can be short, so as the saying goes, live life to the fullest and do not sweat the small stuff. Avoid toxins and toxic people like the plague and continue to have faith in the Almighty that things have a way of sorting out, if one remains focussed. Create goodwill all around. Everything in moderation and be mindful of keeping in balance everything that I do.
It's amazing how certain events seem like they happened to someone else. I recall how foggy-headed I was throughout the various courses of treatment last year. It is such a difference when your system is clean and not overpowered by drugs and poisons, even though those had a mission to fulfill. I actually feel very refreshed, as though I had just been back from a really good vacation. Is it due to the fact that I am slowly detoxing away all the residual drugs from my system? Even the day looks much brighter than what it used to be, it is as though a thin sephia or veil has been lifted from my eyes and I get a very clear view of everything.
Syukur Alhamdullillah. It used to be I didn't know what to expect, even after I have completed my treatments ( except the Tamoxifen, which I am putting on hold for now). I thought once radiation is over, I would get back to normal. That was very naive and a real wishful thinking on my part. Everyone around seems to think I am "cured" ( and I pray so too) but with Breast Cancer, you just never know. I behave as though I am cured, but runing on a fraction of the energy level that I used to have.
Soon it was back to fatigue, yo-yo-ing appetite and taste in food, a temporary period of insomnia, fever for no reason at all, and equally mind boggling, constipation and bouts of diarrhoea when my dietary input was balanced and an extended (about 2 weeks) of chesty coughs with lots of catarrh. My eyes were watering and itching so much, I had to rub them sore.
The rash on my left foot that started when I did chemo, was really flaring up and my foot looked a sight. And my joints, ooh, they ache so much, "bisa" is the word to describe the sharp, acute pain. The only nice thing was my hair was growing back very nicely, no discomfort or pain there. I did look like a gollywog though, and still do as I feel "so sayang" to have it re-styled as it means trimming of some "hard-earned" hair.
It was not a good time to be making decisions about introducing more drugs like Tamoxifen into my body. What I was experiencing then was probably the cumulative aftermath of all the treatments. Just like a war, once the battle is over and the enemy is driven out, a country has to get used to the collateral damage. My body was trying to work it's way back to normal but couldn't because what I was going through the past 10 months or so, were not normal. I resisted the temptation to rush to a doctor whenever I wasn't feeling good and tried to talk to my body. Yet cautious ( I was monitoring my temperature of course) yet trying to see if I can trust my body enough to manage the symptoms.
Insya Allah, eating well and drinking copious amount of water and praying hard really helped. The symptoms eased away within 2-3 weeks and while I do get the occasional lapses in energy level, I believe I am on the mend. The joint pains have eased somewhat, though my ankles burn when I jump up after being seated, the rash has subsided, bowel movement okay ( diarrhoea only if I indulge in my favourite gulai cili api), and the coughs have gone. What remains is the "problem" with my left arm due to the axillary section during surgery, which now gets numb sometimes and feel like it is bloated with fluid. It probably is with lymph fluid if my lympathic circulation has been impeded due to wrong positioning of the arm.
The attempts ( I say "attempt" because it will take time to get it really right) at Qigong and yoga must have helped. Anyone inflicted with Breast Cancer would have heard of Guo-lin Qigong. Information on this is in Google. I was fortunate to meet a few practioners who encouraged me to turn up at Taman Jaya in PJ every Saturday morning at 7 am, and they have been teaching me some exercises that I can pursue on my own on other days of the week. Like yoga, I view this as a helpful mind-body-breathing technique that can help to heal a person on a holistic basis. As with everything else, practice makes perfect, so some days will find me in TTDI Kiara Park to do an early morning Qigong walk, as the si-fu's do their walk there and they can observe if what I am doing is correct. So far, insya Allah.
I have not discounted Tamoxifen, I know it is a good drug that will do the job it has been assigned to do. But for now, I relish this period of just being me, leaving my body to work itself to health, with me mind and soul, behind it all the way. Popping a pill is easy, the side-effects are not that easy but the end result may (note:may) be worth it. Trying to have faith and trust in your body is much harder, involves a lot of willpower, discipline and hardwork. Not to mention sacrifice. But if I don't do it, who will? And it is not as if it is just Breast Cancer that I am trying to fend off, it is other chronic diseases as well as anyone and everyone these days are prime candidates for you-name-it, Nauzubillah.
What I have learnt is to be redha, after trying my best with all the other treatments. Insya Allah, with lots of faith in what I am doing ( healthy living and being mindful about various aspects of health) and with God's grace, I hope I will be able to work myself back to health.
On this the last day of 1428, I thank God for everything I had learnt, endured and was blessed with during the year, and pray for things to be better not just for me, but for everyone else, friends and family.
I missed my mother very much this morning. Mothers always "doa" for their children no matter what, and I know if she is still around, she will doa for me to be healthy and happy like normal, after what I had been through. I took out the box that she left behind which contains some of her things, including some letters to me, and hugged it really tight. I sensed her motherly aura and smell when I hugged the box, and felt very much comforted. Another year, and it has been almost 5 years since she left us but not a single day has passed without me thinking and praying for her. Semoga Allah mencucuri roh Emak saya, Amin.
Tomorrow is awal Muharram. So to friends everywhere selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah. I will probably spend it at home with some close friends over for tea. These are friends who went out of their way to help me during my treatment, and they will now get to see and taste food cooked by a BC survivor ( less fat, less sugar, less salt, no refined white flour, etc) and not by my helper. They will probably thank their lucky stars that they do not have to go through it. The change in dietary practice has helped me to shed some of the kgs I gained though....so there is some good there!
Selamat Tahun Baru.....again! ( And in just about a month's time we will be wishing one another yet another greeting for a new year, won't we?)
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2 comments:
I missed my mother too. In fact I missed her very very much, more than beyond how much the ocean can hold her water, or much more than all the grains of sand which all the beaches combined together.
The funny and saddest thing is that even though you know you love your mother very very much when she was alive, but it is still not enough when you realized she has gone. I feel that there is so much still to love her, if only I can see that with the hindsight which I have now.
Sometimes being a child when inhibition is not there and spontaneity is always there in your actions and thought....you will just run to your mother any time, anywhere and for no reason ti hug and love her. But as we turn to adult and as how society changes, we can no longer rush and hug her as when we were a child.
How I wish I can run to her and hug her now and not let her go....even though she has long been gone and I am myself in the sinset of my life. I still missed her badly!
The only thing I can do for her now is to doa for her in all my prayers and hope God will place her in heaven...
Dear Anon,
let's continue to doa for our mothers and cherish memories of the good times with them s hat they are still close to our hearts. Alfatihah and may Allah place them in heaven. Ameen.
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