Suspicious Minds....

Only those who have been afflicted by Breast Cancer(BC) will understand another's worry and concern over an unexplained twitch, throbbing or pain in any part of the body. For the lucky ones who are uninitiated to the trials and tribulations faced by BC survivors, it is so easy to dismiss such articulated concerns as simple "paranoia", sometimes even your own doctors may think so.

But the fact is, while trying to be positive and striving to lead a healthier lifestyle, BC survivors will always have a deep-seated fear that the BC might come back, much dreaded and much unwelcome. While pushing these fears as far back as one could into the recesses of one's mind, one would keep praying to the Almighty for the strength to manage whatever has been planned for us. Knowing that after trying our best, only the Almighty knows what is best for us.
And for us to be redha.

Everytime when I hear of a BC survivor friend going through deep anxities, I feel deeply for them. I can appreciate the need to listen to our bodies, what the body is trying to tell us and taking action accrodingly, no matter how trivial or petty it may seem to others. It is okay to always have a suspicious mind and try to investigate what is causing the pain, the twitching and the throbbing. Was it something we ate , or did we knock into something that might have caused muscular injury, and hence pain, or perhaps too much inactivity that might have affected our circulation and nerves?

As yet I cannot claim to be free of BC, it is too soon. I will need to cross the 5 year mark to even consider myself partially clean. The first 3 years are critical. I have just crossed the 1st year threshold on January 8, on which date in 2007 I had my first encounter with my Breast Surgeon, during which a tissue sample highlighted potential malignancy. My toes still curl recalling that moment. And since that day and the surgery that follows, my body has had it's fair share of twitches, aches and pains. And tedious though it is, I have always "painstakingly" tried to account for the reasons for those aches and pains.

During those self inspection and investigation, I learnt that my body can no longer handle milk or milk products - I wheeze and go really "semput". So no quick cup of cappucino or an ice cream cone to manage a hot, humid afternoon. Once I had to rest for an hour in Borders after a much missed cup of Latte because during my book browsing trip, I just couldn't breathe 2 hours later. I almost checked myself into a hospital. What helped was some abdominal breathing and sitting quietly wth my eyes closed. The staff attending the stationery section would still remember me, I think, because I really gave her such a fright! She thought she might have to call an ambulance!

And just like everyone else tells me ( not doctors, as doctors don't believe in "pantang" ) while I am still on the mend ( since I had 2 surgeries done on the same breast in January and March 2008) internally as the internal scars still feel lumpy even though the dreaded lump was removed, I must avoid seafood and belacan. All "gatal" and inflamatory foods. Just to be sure, I foolishly tested the friendly advice, and confirmed that for me, seafood and all "gatal" stuff must be avoided for now. I had lovely big prawns (masak cili api no less with daun kunyit) and sure enough my affected breast and armpit where the scars were, itched like mad. And burning, really burning. I have banned seafood from my kitchen so my poor helper can only have the stuff if we eat out. At least for a year or two.

At this point, I think I have "accounted" for a few of the pains and twitches but there are still some which are unaccounted. I know my body is trying to tell me something and because the pains and twitches are still manageable and not in anyway limiting my daily activities, I am still "investigating" them. Although at my next follow up visit to my Oncologist and Surgeon, I will certainly raise them and see what they have to say.

Today, here is a list of unexplained twitches and pains in my body. Some come and go, while some linger then go, and yet some just linger, but only God knows why. Do I worry about them, yes, but I will continue to live as healthy a life as I can and pray to God that my body will have the needed strength to overcome. Insya Allah.

From head to toe, here's a list of "notable" but unexplained twitches and pains:
1. Slight twitching on the right side of the head (inside). I imagine this to be in the skull lining and could be due to a build up of lympathic fluid. 21 of my axillary lymph nodes were removed during surgery and this is affecting the lymphatic circulation in my left shoulder, arm , neck, and possibly head as well. A gentle rubdown sometimes help, and I really hope that is all there is to it.

2. Tightness and sharp shooting twitches ( not very painful more like shocks) along my left arm and pectoral muscles. I do arm exercises everyday after morning walks to help with the lymphatic flow and to avoild fluid build-up that may cause lymphedema.

3. Wheezing whenever I take milk and milk products. I also get lots of phlegm when this happens . I was never allergic to milk before, and used to make coffee or hot chocolate by warming milk and putting coffee or cocoa into a mug of hot milk and was perfectly alright.

4. My left breast still feels lumpy and twitches and itches at times. I cannot lie flat on my tummy without it hurting, and I have to be ever so careful not to bang myself around corners full frontal. It might kill me. I can't imagine how I am going to undergo the follow up mammogram that my doctor has scheduled for end of January 2008. To think that I have to place my breast within the 2 plates when it is still mending. I may have to ask for a deferral or just an ultrasound test if the doctor insists to see what's inside.

5. My abdomen (left side) gives sharp shooting pains sometimes, and gives squelching sounds if I try to distend or contract it. It could be acid in the stomach but it is very different from the gastric pains I had during chemo.

6. Throbbing aches and pains in my left pelvis sometimes. Comes and goes. Could be due to my sitting or sleeping position.

7. Sharp pains in my knee joints. It is less intense now compared to the excruciating pains I used to endure for a few months following chemo. The Qigong books I read recommend gentle rubbing ( circular motions) for 100 times for any aching spots in the body. Sometimes it works . It is probably circulation and the accumulated toxins that I need to disperse. Have to keep on rubbing the front and back of my knees when the pain shows up. Qigong always advocate gentle things that we need to do to ourselves in order to heal. I used to urut and "picit-picit" really hard whenever I have those aches and pains. No wonder it got worst.

8. Pains in my heels and unexplained soreness (no cuts, bruise or bumps) at the back of my right heel. Rubbing pounded ginger helps though a very messy process.

I hope the list gets shorter in due course and that soon I will be able to identify what is causing them so that I can avoid the causes.

I would like to imagine that they are all signs of growing "ma-tua" gracefully. I hope that is all there is to it. But once a BC survivor, I can't help being suspicious. I will continue to hope and pray for the best, expect the worst and accept what comes. God knows I am doing my best, and the best is not always easy to do, but I will still try, even if I die trying.

I have experimented with various cooking styles and modified some recipes to accomodate the new dietary approach that I hope will supplement my post BC treatment lifestyle, and will be posting some of the recipes in my other blog http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com/


And oh yes, my tastebuds have never been the same. Food does not taste the same the way I used to know it, perhaps due to the less lavish use of salt and seasoning. It could also be due to my tastebuds still being on the mend as I still have strange aftertastes on my tongue and in my mouth in between meals. A simple solution is to have a sweet or drop in my mouth always but since strange aftertaste is not painful, and not bad enough to cause me nausea, I am fine with it. So, treatment affects people differently. Most BC survivors I meet tell me that their tastebds return to normal within 4-6 weeks after chemo. For me it has been 4 MONTHS and counting since my last chemo and I have not lost the funny aftertaste. Well, taking it positively, at least it will discourage me from bingeing on my favourite eats!