Tomorrow it will be awal Muharam....and unlike the Gregorian new year recently, the atmosphere will not be as raucous and indicative of merry-making. Not much partying for sure. Instead the occasion will be relatively subdued as not the whole country will be celebrating. Only those practicing the Muslim faith, and even then for some, the day may be celebrated as just another holiday. To be quite honest, it was only within the last 10 years or so that I was aware of doa awal and akhir tahun, more meaningful to me than those easily broken new year resolutions.
So, for a few years now (maybe it was the onset of the golden age...) I look forward to awal Muharam. Apart from the religious significance of Prophet Mohamad's "hijrah" from Mecca to Medina, the occasion always prompts me to reflect deeply about religion and my own spirituality. Every year during those moments of reflection (muhasabah diri), I learnt new things about myself, the people around me and about the world and mankind at large. Sometimes I get nice surprises but there were times when I felt a little, and sometimes, a lot afraid.
Although there is a list of things relating to the past year that I could cry about, I have chosen to be thankful for each and everyone of the seemingly unfortunate events, both personal and those happening out there. On a personal level, what Hijrah 1428 revealed to me will certainly make me wiser and more determined to face 1429, insya Allah. Life can be short, so as the saying goes, live life to the fullest and do not sweat the small stuff. Avoid toxins and toxic people like the plague and continue to have faith in the Almighty that things have a way of sorting out, if one remains focussed. Create goodwill all around. Everything in moderation and be mindful of keeping in balance everything that I do.
It's amazing how certain events seem like they happened to someone else. I recall how foggy-headed I was throughout the various courses of treatment last year. It is such a difference when your system is clean and not overpowered by drugs and poisons, even though those had a mission to fulfill. I actually feel very refreshed, as though I had just been back from a really good vacation. Is it due to the fact that I am slowly detoxing away all the residual drugs from my system? Even the day looks much brighter than what it used to be, it is as though a thin sephia or veil has been lifted from my eyes and I get a very clear view of everything.
Syukur Alhamdullillah. It used to be I didn't know what to expect, even after I have completed my treatments ( except the Tamoxifen, which I am putting on hold for now). I thought once radiation is over, I would get back to normal. That was very naive and a real wishful thinking on my part. Everyone around seems to think I am "cured" ( and I pray so too) but with Breast Cancer, you just never know. I behave as though I am cured, but runing on a fraction of the energy level that I used to have.
Soon it was back to fatigue, yo-yo-ing appetite and taste in food, a temporary period of insomnia, fever for no reason at all, and equally mind boggling, constipation and bouts of diarrhoea when my dietary input was balanced and an extended (about 2 weeks) of chesty coughs with lots of catarrh. My eyes were watering and itching so much, I had to rub them sore.
The rash on my left foot that started when I did chemo, was really flaring up and my foot looked a sight. And my joints, ooh, they ache so much, "bisa" is the word to describe the sharp, acute pain. The only nice thing was my hair was growing back very nicely, no discomfort or pain there. I did look like a gollywog though, and still do as I feel "so sayang" to have it re-styled as it means trimming of some "hard-earned" hair.
It was not a good time to be making decisions about introducing more drugs like Tamoxifen into my body. What I was experiencing then was probably the cumulative aftermath of all the treatments. Just like a war, once the battle is over and the enemy is driven out, a country has to get used to the collateral damage. My body was trying to work it's way back to normal but couldn't because what I was going through the past 10 months or so, were not normal. I resisted the temptation to rush to a doctor whenever I wasn't feeling good and tried to talk to my body. Yet cautious ( I was monitoring my temperature of course) yet trying to see if I can trust my body enough to manage the symptoms.
Insya Allah, eating well and drinking copious amount of water and praying hard really helped. The symptoms eased away within 2-3 weeks and while I do get the occasional lapses in energy level, I believe I am on the mend. The joint pains have eased somewhat, though my ankles burn when I jump up after being seated, the rash has subsided, bowel movement okay ( diarrhoea only if I indulge in my favourite gulai cili api), and the coughs have gone. What remains is the "problem" with my left arm due to the axillary section during surgery, which now gets numb sometimes and feel like it is bloated with fluid. It probably is with lymph fluid if my lympathic circulation has been impeded due to wrong positioning of the arm.
The attempts ( I say "attempt" because it will take time to get it really right) at Qigong and yoga must have helped. Anyone inflicted with Breast Cancer would have heard of Guo-lin Qigong. Information on this is in Google. I was fortunate to meet a few practioners who encouraged me to turn up at Taman Jaya in PJ every Saturday morning at 7 am, and they have been teaching me some exercises that I can pursue on my own on other days of the week. Like yoga, I view this as a helpful mind-body-breathing technique that can help to heal a person on a holistic basis. As with everything else, practice makes perfect, so some days will find me in TTDI Kiara Park to do an early morning Qigong walk, as the si-fu's do their walk there and they can observe if what I am doing is correct. So far, insya Allah.
I have not discounted Tamoxifen, I know it is a good drug that will do the job it has been assigned to do. But for now, I relish this period of just being me, leaving my body to work itself to health, with me mind and soul, behind it all the way. Popping a pill is easy, the side-effects are not that easy but the end result may (note:may) be worth it. Trying to have faith and trust in your body is much harder, involves a lot of willpower, discipline and hardwork. Not to mention sacrifice. But if I don't do it, who will? And it is not as if it is just Breast Cancer that I am trying to fend off, it is other chronic diseases as well as anyone and everyone these days are prime candidates for you-name-it, Nauzubillah.
What I have learnt is to be redha, after trying my best with all the other treatments. Insya Allah, with lots of faith in what I am doing ( healthy living and being mindful about various aspects of health) and with God's grace, I hope I will be able to work myself back to health.
On this the last day of 1428, I thank God for everything I had learnt, endured and was blessed with during the year, and pray for things to be better not just for me, but for everyone else, friends and family.
I missed my mother very much this morning. Mothers always "doa" for their children no matter what, and I know if she is still around, she will doa for me to be healthy and happy like normal, after what I had been through. I took out the box that she left behind which contains some of her things, including some letters to me, and hugged it really tight. I sensed her motherly aura and smell when I hugged the box, and felt very much comforted. Another year, and it has been almost 5 years since she left us but not a single day has passed without me thinking and praying for her. Semoga Allah mencucuri roh Emak saya, Amin.
Tomorrow is awal Muharram. So to friends everywhere selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah. I will probably spend it at home with some close friends over for tea. These are friends who went out of their way to help me during my treatment, and they will now get to see and taste food cooked by a BC survivor ( less fat, less sugar, less salt, no refined white flour, etc) and not by my helper. They will probably thank their lucky stars that they do not have to go through it. The change in dietary practice has helped me to shed some of the kgs I gained though....so there is some good there!
Selamat Tahun Baru.....again! ( And in just about a month's time we will be wishing one another yet another greeting for a new year, won't we?)
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
It's A New Year!!
Hello January! Today is a day just like yesterday or the day before...but it is in a brand new year! And as tradition would have it, we wished each other and everyone we know and meet a "Happy New Year" just when the clock hands meet at 12 midnight a couple of days ago.
I do this every year too, and as always at the beginning of each year, I have been very cheery and overly optimistic and feel incredibly strong to do whatever it takes to meet life's surprises. And when the year starts unfolding, I find that more often than not, the level of optimism will waiver and sometimes I find that some surprises seem too much to handle.
What I have re-learnt and was reminded of in the past year though is that, no matter how shocking some of life's surprises can be, there's always a positive outcome. I just need to look for it and benefit from it. No pain, no gain. Some lessons of life require different "techniques" before these can make an impression on you.
And so will it be with this coming year....let's thank God Almighty that despite the trials and tribulations of 2007, we have crossed over into 2008 rather smoothly, syukur Alhamdullillah. Life will continue to dish us more surprises, some welcomed and others questioned, but whatever, here's hoping and wishing that we will be granted the strength and wisdom to preserve and improve on what will be good for all of us, Insya Allah.
Let us pray that it will indeed be a Happy New Year in 2008, despite the surprises that we already have even though it is only day 2 of the brand new year! 363 days more to come in this new year, and maybe twice as many shocks and surprises.
A brand new day, a brand new year....if we have been good, we can always be better. Happy New Year to everyone!
I do this every year too, and as always at the beginning of each year, I have been very cheery and overly optimistic and feel incredibly strong to do whatever it takes to meet life's surprises. And when the year starts unfolding, I find that more often than not, the level of optimism will waiver and sometimes I find that some surprises seem too much to handle.
What I have re-learnt and was reminded of in the past year though is that, no matter how shocking some of life's surprises can be, there's always a positive outcome. I just need to look for it and benefit from it. No pain, no gain. Some lessons of life require different "techniques" before these can make an impression on you.
And so will it be with this coming year....let's thank God Almighty that despite the trials and tribulations of 2007, we have crossed over into 2008 rather smoothly, syukur Alhamdullillah. Life will continue to dish us more surprises, some welcomed and others questioned, but whatever, here's hoping and wishing that we will be granted the strength and wisdom to preserve and improve on what will be good for all of us, Insya Allah.
Let us pray that it will indeed be a Happy New Year in 2008, despite the surprises that we already have even though it is only day 2 of the brand new year! 363 days more to come in this new year, and maybe twice as many shocks and surprises.
A brand new day, a brand new year....if we have been good, we can always be better. Happy New Year to everyone!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
AllahuAkbar.....!
What a year it has been....! To think that a new one is lurking just around the corner and only God knows what surprises it will bring!
A quickie roundup since the last post (Sept 26). Before that, Selamat Aidil Adha to all Muslim friends. Just a second ago I was almost tearing my hair out (yes, hair has sprouted quite abundantly) because I could not log on. Forgot my password. Google to the rescue and all is well.
Where my BC is concerned, I have completed all conventional treatments just in time for Hari Raya. Radiation therapy was a breeze compared to the tsunami-like upheavals during chemo.
Daily 20 minute trips(each way) for 25 days to get my chest irradiated with intense rays to kill remnant cancer cells lurking around the surgery scar area and the axillary cut under my left armpit. Happy cheerful trips except on one occasion when I had to cancel my treatment because I was robbed on the way, right from the comfort of my car! Some desperado smashed my front passenger seat window while I was taking off after waiting on a red light, and took off with my handbag! Got that sorted out strangely smoothly so my ID's all show me at my age now. I cursed the fella, and later took it back and hope he was going to use the money for a sick mother or pay important bills!
Post-radiation was a different story. A fortnight later my left breast looked and felt like a lumpy burnt toast. So was my armpit! The area was sore and the doctor advised me to leave it alone, don't scratch, no creams, no soap, just let water run over it while showering. A miracle (blessing?) happened - I did not need to use deodorants after this, and still smell pleasant. Just as well as some anti-perspirants contain aluminium which can be carcinogenic. I was asked later to apply some baby oil but what really worked for me was Himalaya's body lotion and Fruits Of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. Very soothing and helped to moisturise the skin. Took a while for skin to turn to normal and the dark burnt layer to peel off. Took some shots for posterity and to be used as a deterrent if I crave for foods that can cause inflammation ( and gatal2). No belacan and ikan gatal for now. I think my deeper layers of skin are still scarring and trying to heal even though the top layers look pretty normal now.
The next step was a full CT scan to be used as a baseline, which I had done in October. No major issues though my surgeon did say I may need to do a chest x-ray in 3 months time. Up to now, I have not said "YES" to Tamoxifen yet. I know for an ER+ /PR+ case like me, that is next on the checklist as the gold standard treatment, after Surgery, Chemo and Radiation. Much to the displeasure and disappointment of my doctors, I have for now decided not to pop Tamoxifen in my mouth everymorning. Who can tell the future, except God?
God knows I have braved myself for the trials and tribulations of the earlier stages of treatment. Insya Allah I have eradicated all bad cells existing up to that point in time through invasive therapies - chemo and radiation. Who is to know what the future will hold - there are so many unknown threats to health, not just BC. I seek God's will to help me manage my health, lifestyle and situation better so that not only do I hope to fend off future cancers, but other health problems as well, if God wills it. I just want to feel responsible for my own health now. Should the unknown enemy rear it's ugly head (Nauzubillah) then, I will turnto my good doctors for help, then we would know exactly what we are fighting for. I would like to save Tamoxifen as something we could whip out from under our sleeves, should the unfortunate happen. If it doesn't, then Syukur Alhamdullillah.
I have been through the side-effects of chemo drugs and radiation, and I am still recovering. It will be a while before my system is clear from all the residual traces of invasive drugs and radiation. I long for my body to feel normal again, for my energy level to be up, so I can be up and about without tiring easily. For that reason, I am closely monitoring my lifestyle to try get back to normal. Though "normal" will be far from what normal used to be. I have learnt to make adjustments here and there, and accepted that some things have to change. It has been a most educational experience. I know about the disease as much as I needed to know and more, and have met and learnt from the kind people I have encountered because of my being a BC patient. God bless all the people who have provided support all along. They made it that much easier for me. I have also learnt a lot about friendships and family, and along the way made many new friends who are dearer to me now just like family. On the flipside, I have also learnt to differentiate the wheat from the chaff, and realise who my true friends are.
If there's one thing that a life-threatening illness can teach you, it is this - BE SELECTIVE and do not be shy or afraid to say NO. Life is so short to waste on undeserving issues, and each new day, it is important to make oneself feel good before one can make others feel great. A very simple philosophy, but just as simple to forget and overlook. Especially in the effort of trying to be "selfless" and "kind". Be kind to self first. Do I sound selfish? You bet. I am now more afraid of displeasing my Maker than of anyone or anything else.
2007 will be a year to remember indeed. Will I try to erase it from my mind, of course not!
I derived strength from the challenges thrown my way during the year, and I felt as though I have shed a layer of old skin that is now replaced by a new one that is not as easily hurt, stressed or annoyed. A tough skin.
Let's talk about the cats now. My three babies are back with me in KL. Poor things - all cooped up in a townhouse and no longer free to roam around a kampung compound with it's share of trees, shrubs and interesting "toys" to play with like chickens, squirrels, monitor lizards and birds. They are back to scratching my sofa. It is sooooo nice to have them around. I have to alter their diet as they tend to put on weight due to the lack of running around.
Troy is really big, he looks like a dog. A limping dog. And Ashley, must be going through menopause, always trying to find fault with poor Putri and have her paws on Putri's head whenever I wasn't looking. Something must have happened between them when they were living in Melaka. Putri seems timid somewhat, I need to "counsel" her and see why she seems withdrawn. She used to be frisky and leaping all over the place.
My 3 babies have not just one, but two new friends. Blackie, the domestic stray continues to be just that. I would be in Melaka for a month and God knows who feeds him, but the moment I am back, he would appear at our front gate. The neighbours must have fed him as he always appeared healthy, not like he has been scavenging for scraps from dustbins.
We now have an additional stray, a cat we decided to rescue. We call him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, bulky chest, thick neck and all. Except when we found him on the patio table upon our return from kampung, he was badly injured in the mouth and was almost dying. Smelly pus was dripping from his jaw and he was weak. We nursed him to recovery and when he had a relapse of whatever it was ( we learnt later it was a liver problem, and low immunity ), we decided to let the Vet to take charge. 18 days with the Vet and Bouncer has bonced back to health. He doesn't want to leave our porch, so it's one more to our collection of rescued cats. He has a lopsided jaw but can still afford to look amazingly cute, he has a "plate-face" ( muka pinggan, if you can imagine what I mean). I will try to get him to pose for the camera one of these days and put up his picture here.
Family ? The same as always - and I have learnt to accept certain things. Very little bug me these days in this area. As long as everyone's fine, that is what matters. I am here, they know where to find me.
What next? Only God nows. Yes, I have plans....many plans. But as the events of 2007 taught me - we can plan, but God will execute what is deemed the best for us. With that, I seek God's forgiveness and blessings, and am redha' with God's will. God is all knowing and I seek God's guidance each day so that I can keep my chin up, my head and spirit high ( but not in the clouds). Will I continue from where I had left off earlier this year? Will I seek new directions?
Only God knows what is best for his insan. AllahuAkbar.
My warmest greetings to everyone for a meaningful time at year-end to reflect over the past 12 months and my prayers for everyone to have a happy, healthy and successful 2008. Insya Allah.
A quickie roundup since the last post (Sept 26). Before that, Selamat Aidil Adha to all Muslim friends. Just a second ago I was almost tearing my hair out (yes, hair has sprouted quite abundantly) because I could not log on. Forgot my password. Google to the rescue and all is well.
Where my BC is concerned, I have completed all conventional treatments just in time for Hari Raya. Radiation therapy was a breeze compared to the tsunami-like upheavals during chemo.
Daily 20 minute trips(each way) for 25 days to get my chest irradiated with intense rays to kill remnant cancer cells lurking around the surgery scar area and the axillary cut under my left armpit. Happy cheerful trips except on one occasion when I had to cancel my treatment because I was robbed on the way, right from the comfort of my car! Some desperado smashed my front passenger seat window while I was taking off after waiting on a red light, and took off with my handbag! Got that sorted out strangely smoothly so my ID's all show me at my age now. I cursed the fella, and later took it back and hope he was going to use the money for a sick mother or pay important bills!
Post-radiation was a different story. A fortnight later my left breast looked and felt like a lumpy burnt toast. So was my armpit! The area was sore and the doctor advised me to leave it alone, don't scratch, no creams, no soap, just let water run over it while showering. A miracle (blessing?) happened - I did not need to use deodorants after this, and still smell pleasant. Just as well as some anti-perspirants contain aluminium which can be carcinogenic. I was asked later to apply some baby oil but what really worked for me was Himalaya's body lotion and Fruits Of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. Very soothing and helped to moisturise the skin. Took a while for skin to turn to normal and the dark burnt layer to peel off. Took some shots for posterity and to be used as a deterrent if I crave for foods that can cause inflammation ( and gatal2). No belacan and ikan gatal for now. I think my deeper layers of skin are still scarring and trying to heal even though the top layers look pretty normal now.
The next step was a full CT scan to be used as a baseline, which I had done in October. No major issues though my surgeon did say I may need to do a chest x-ray in 3 months time. Up to now, I have not said "YES" to Tamoxifen yet. I know for an ER+ /PR+ case like me, that is next on the checklist as the gold standard treatment, after Surgery, Chemo and Radiation. Much to the displeasure and disappointment of my doctors, I have for now decided not to pop Tamoxifen in my mouth everymorning. Who can tell the future, except God?
God knows I have braved myself for the trials and tribulations of the earlier stages of treatment. Insya Allah I have eradicated all bad cells existing up to that point in time through invasive therapies - chemo and radiation. Who is to know what the future will hold - there are so many unknown threats to health, not just BC. I seek God's will to help me manage my health, lifestyle and situation better so that not only do I hope to fend off future cancers, but other health problems as well, if God wills it. I just want to feel responsible for my own health now. Should the unknown enemy rear it's ugly head (Nauzubillah) then, I will turnto my good doctors for help, then we would know exactly what we are fighting for. I would like to save Tamoxifen as something we could whip out from under our sleeves, should the unfortunate happen. If it doesn't, then Syukur Alhamdullillah.
I have been through the side-effects of chemo drugs and radiation, and I am still recovering. It will be a while before my system is clear from all the residual traces of invasive drugs and radiation. I long for my body to feel normal again, for my energy level to be up, so I can be up and about without tiring easily. For that reason, I am closely monitoring my lifestyle to try get back to normal. Though "normal" will be far from what normal used to be. I have learnt to make adjustments here and there, and accepted that some things have to change. It has been a most educational experience. I know about the disease as much as I needed to know and more, and have met and learnt from the kind people I have encountered because of my being a BC patient. God bless all the people who have provided support all along. They made it that much easier for me. I have also learnt a lot about friendships and family, and along the way made many new friends who are dearer to me now just like family. On the flipside, I have also learnt to differentiate the wheat from the chaff, and realise who my true friends are.
If there's one thing that a life-threatening illness can teach you, it is this - BE SELECTIVE and do not be shy or afraid to say NO. Life is so short to waste on undeserving issues, and each new day, it is important to make oneself feel good before one can make others feel great. A very simple philosophy, but just as simple to forget and overlook. Especially in the effort of trying to be "selfless" and "kind". Be kind to self first. Do I sound selfish? You bet. I am now more afraid of displeasing my Maker than of anyone or anything else.
2007 will be a year to remember indeed. Will I try to erase it from my mind, of course not!
I derived strength from the challenges thrown my way during the year, and I felt as though I have shed a layer of old skin that is now replaced by a new one that is not as easily hurt, stressed or annoyed. A tough skin.
Let's talk about the cats now. My three babies are back with me in KL. Poor things - all cooped up in a townhouse and no longer free to roam around a kampung compound with it's share of trees, shrubs and interesting "toys" to play with like chickens, squirrels, monitor lizards and birds. They are back to scratching my sofa. It is sooooo nice to have them around. I have to alter their diet as they tend to put on weight due to the lack of running around.
Troy is really big, he looks like a dog. A limping dog. And Ashley, must be going through menopause, always trying to find fault with poor Putri and have her paws on Putri's head whenever I wasn't looking. Something must have happened between them when they were living in Melaka. Putri seems timid somewhat, I need to "counsel" her and see why she seems withdrawn. She used to be frisky and leaping all over the place.
My 3 babies have not just one, but two new friends. Blackie, the domestic stray continues to be just that. I would be in Melaka for a month and God knows who feeds him, but the moment I am back, he would appear at our front gate. The neighbours must have fed him as he always appeared healthy, not like he has been scavenging for scraps from dustbins.
We now have an additional stray, a cat we decided to rescue. We call him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, bulky chest, thick neck and all. Except when we found him on the patio table upon our return from kampung, he was badly injured in the mouth and was almost dying. Smelly pus was dripping from his jaw and he was weak. We nursed him to recovery and when he had a relapse of whatever it was ( we learnt later it was a liver problem, and low immunity ), we decided to let the Vet to take charge. 18 days with the Vet and Bouncer has bonced back to health. He doesn't want to leave our porch, so it's one more to our collection of rescued cats. He has a lopsided jaw but can still afford to look amazingly cute, he has a "plate-face" ( muka pinggan, if you can imagine what I mean). I will try to get him to pose for the camera one of these days and put up his picture here.
Family ? The same as always - and I have learnt to accept certain things. Very little bug me these days in this area. As long as everyone's fine, that is what matters. I am here, they know where to find me.
What next? Only God nows. Yes, I have plans....many plans. But as the events of 2007 taught me - we can plan, but God will execute what is deemed the best for us. With that, I seek God's forgiveness and blessings, and am redha' with God's will. God is all knowing and I seek God's guidance each day so that I can keep my chin up, my head and spirit high ( but not in the clouds). Will I continue from where I had left off earlier this year? Will I seek new directions?
Only God knows what is best for his insan. AllahuAkbar.
My warmest greetings to everyone for a meaningful time at year-end to reflect over the past 12 months and my prayers for everyone to have a happy, healthy and successful 2008. Insya Allah.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Remembering Allahyarhamah Nurin
In two days I would complete my 25 Radiation Therapy sessions, which started on August 27 . Twenty sessions of photon radiation to my affected breast area and five"booster" sessions of electron radiation to the surgery scar area on the same breast. I had earlier planned to record what the treatment had entailed for me during the week, but got derailed from that plan as I was too much shaken by the latest disruption to hit our peace of mind - Nurin's fate. My eyes still well up in tears whenever the image of her lifeless face flashes across my mind. Like her parents, I was hoping we will find her alive. We did not.
I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.
My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.
I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.
Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.
I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.
My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.
I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.
Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Bouncing back in Ramadan
It's day 6 of the holy month of Ramadan...a month favoured by many to be a month of cleansing and purification, a month of introspection deep within one's soul, a month to do good, to be even better than one had ever been before.....a time for charitable acts, a time to strengthen feelings of kinship, and a time to be really true to one's self during which most worldly and materialistic concerns take a somewhat backseat......
What a mouthful! For someone who is fasting, I surprise myself at the mouthful of words that I have keyed into the previous paragraph. That is what happens I suppose if one has been unabashedly writing away, freely, whatever comes to mind when pen or pencil hits paper. And writing away every day, with no fear or favour - write, write, write whatever comes to mind in my trusty green journal, now looking very battered and abused due to being pounded on first thing in the morning upon rising and any time in between when I can have a moment in the comfort and privacy of my room, even in the bathroom. And squirrelling it away so that I don't see it when I wasn't writing, in case I have a change of mind and decide to change or erase what have been written earlier. It was so comforting to really write as it flows, no editting, no subconscious awareness that someone else might be reading what I had scribbled as honesty was the main theme of the writing and therefore, if chanced upon by others, some hearts might be broken and possibly, my poor, bald head might be broken along with that!
For my blogopals who might have wondered about my absence in blogosphere from the last post till now, please accept my assurance that I am still a keen blogger.....just taking a much needed "break" to drill into myself, to really discover for myself what makes me tick and what gets me kicking. My apologies for not checking my tm.net emails and the blog. I needed a break in a routine that constantly reminded me of my sad yet meaningful battle with cancer. Not that I can ever forget.
After almost 4 months of blogging about my experience with managing treatment, and just before my last and 6th chemo which I took on July 26, it dawned on me that very soon, there will be no more "weapons" fired into my system to kill any lurking bad cells. I will be on my own, entirely on my own, to ensure that I regain my health and not allow any future recurrence, Insya Allah.
While it was a relief to tell myself "aah, only 1 more chemo to go", I had felt awkwardly scared that I will have "nothing" to be fighting bad cells in me. Sure, the Radiation Therapy will assist with any residual traces of microscopic bad cells (as I like to tell friends, yang dah menetas and yang belum menetas) that might have eluded surgery and even chemotherapy, but what happens after Radiation? I have at that point in time, and up to this moment, entertained the option on going for alternative therapy to manage or bar future recurrence.
Unless convinced otherwise by my doctors, I am not looking to pursue Hormonal Therapy. Yup, no more drugs into my body after this, so no Tamoxifen. I know that Tamoxifen works wonders for others for whom the possibility of recurrence might be due to their biological or genetic make-up. For me, based on my self-analysis and introspection while undergoing treatment, I came to the conclusion ( further validated by the themes and contents of my "wild" writing spree during my blog silence) that the cancer cells invaded my system because I had not been very good in managing my stress, resulting in a lot of negative impact on my immune system and an unhappy blob at the back of my mind which I was not conscious of until it surfaced during my moments of self assessment and introspection.
The "discovery" was awesome, and scary. I need to change, I don't need drugs or another surgery. No surgery or drugs can remove traces of negative feelings, resentments, guilt or regrets that might still be flowing in my mind/body although I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. The fact that some events in my past still had the power to sap my energy , both unconsciously or sub-consciously mean I had not truly gotten over them. And for my own survival and well-being, I NEED TO GET OVER THEM.
No surgery or drugs or doctors can help me with this. I realise that the introduction of this disease is Divine Intervention of the highest kind for me, to show me that I need to stop, think and move forward without letting any errors, regrets or guilt from the past to haunt me or limit my creativity or desires. No prescription pills can make me let go of the past, no surgery can remove past or present resentments from suppressing my happiness. I have to do it, myself and take the necessary steps to do so. While I am the same person as the one pre-cancer, I just cannot afford to behave or react to emotional situations the same way as before. If I do, I will be back to square one, and pay the toll and face the consequences. And if I have an ounce of respect for myself, that should be my mission from here on....to improve me, in a holistic kind of way - mind, body, spirit.
If it means transforming myself so that I am not the same person to some of the people who knew/know me, then so be it. As long as I am still a worthwhile person, why should it matter if I am no longer as giving, to the point of deficit, both emotionally and physically? God has given me an opportunity to "re-invent" myself in the way I manage my reactions to stressful situations, to divert my energy to more meaningful pursuits other than undertaking thankless jobs of managing the burdens of others, to really evaluate what really matters to me in this short life (that can be hanging in the balance if I am not mindful of how I manage my mind and body), and to increase my knowledge about how to be better prepared to face the "next" world.
I would be really stupid if I don't interprete my recent experience(s) this way. My utmost thank to Allah, syukur Alhamdullillah, that I discovered the cancer, underwent a successful surgery to remove it, managed the challenges of chemotherapy and now, Insya Allah, am almost mid-way in undergoing 25 daily sessions of Radiation Therapy and still feeling hopeful and confident that I can overcome this. With Allah's grace, I really should seize the moment to act upon what I have discovered about myself so that the future me will have a stronger consitution and that my mind will ease and help my body ward of potential diseases, Insya Allah.
As I couldn't pinpoint a single "Lifestyle Factors" that could have burdened me with the cancer that was eradicated, since others are faced with the same lifestyle options and environmental stresses (and yet cancer-free), the only contributing factor had to be ME. So from here on, I will take full responsibility for my health, strengthen my consitution and pray that God will take note of my effort and help me along. For how can anything happen without God's will.
And this holy month of Ramadan couldn't have come at a better time, for me personally, as the month-long reflection(and terawihs) is really helping me to re-inforce my recent discoveries and my belief that Allah always has a reason for letting things happen, and that if we are willing to help ourselves, Allah is always on hand to give us a nudge and a tweaking every now and then, to urge us on the right path. Insya Allah.
As it has been for me, I hope the fasting, prayers, charity in this month of Ramadan will bring all my family, friends and ummah all the blessings and enlightenment that are needed for a truly happy existence. A happy heart is a healthy heart. Or is it the other way around? What does it matter, for as long as you are healthy, count your blessings and be happy to remain healthy.
May Allah bless everyone. I will try to post everynow and then to share my experience of Radiation treatment ( a few mentionable incidents there!). And on a more serious note, to jot down some of my "self-discoveries" which are honest findings, which made me wonder if other cancer survivors discovered any awkward/unpleasant truths about themselves that might have caused their cancer to grow and win round 1, 2 or 3. I truly believe we cause our own disease, not the ikan masin, dairy products, red meat or canned food! And that only we can heal and protect ourselves from the disease, no pills or drugs can stop it if our mind and body allow it to take root. Insya Allah.
Selamat Berpuasa, dear friends. Ramadan Kareem.....
P.S.
For those in the neighbourhood, our Sri Hartamas Surau holds a Buka Puasa every evening during Ramadan and a Moreh after Terawih ( lapan rakaat, by the way). Nice, simple fare courtesy of residents who book a date with a caterer to "sedekah" a Buka Puasa Juadah. It is open to all who "sudi" to come for prayers here. Small, cosy family atmosphere, just a small crowd of about 100, no parking problem at all. Me? I walk from my house, need to un-load the excess baggage ( 8 kilos!) slowly gathered during chemo. :)
Monday, July 9, 2007
Day 5 - Feeling really down
July 9 (Day 5 of cycle 5)
Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.
To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?
The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?
I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.
For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.
I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......
Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.
To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?
The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?
I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.
For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.
I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Day 4 Cycle 5 (Gastric again..)
July 8 (Day 4 of cycle 5)
I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.
I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.
It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?
I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.
What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?
I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?
This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????
Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?
I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.
I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.
I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.
It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?
I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.
What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?
I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?
This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????
Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?
I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.
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