Day 4 Cycle 5 (Gastric again..)

July 8 (Day 4 of cycle 5)

I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.


I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.


It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?


I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.

What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?


I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?


This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????


Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?

I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.