Day 5 - Feeling really down

July 9 (Day 5 of cycle 5)

Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.


To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?


The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?


I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.


For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.


I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......