What a year it has been....! To think that a new one is lurking just around the corner and only God knows what surprises it will bring!
A quickie roundup since the last post (Sept 26). Before that, Selamat Aidil Adha to all Muslim friends. Just a second ago I was almost tearing my hair out (yes, hair has sprouted quite abundantly) because I could not log on. Forgot my password. Google to the rescue and all is well.
Where my BC is concerned, I have completed all conventional treatments just in time for Hari Raya. Radiation therapy was a breeze compared to the tsunami-like upheavals during chemo.
Daily 20 minute trips(each way) for 25 days to get my chest irradiated with intense rays to kill remnant cancer cells lurking around the surgery scar area and the axillary cut under my left armpit. Happy cheerful trips except on one occasion when I had to cancel my treatment because I was robbed on the way, right from the comfort of my car! Some desperado smashed my front passenger seat window while I was taking off after waiting on a red light, and took off with my handbag! Got that sorted out strangely smoothly so my ID's all show me at my age now. I cursed the fella, and later took it back and hope he was going to use the money for a sick mother or pay important bills!
Post-radiation was a different story. A fortnight later my left breast looked and felt like a lumpy burnt toast. So was my armpit! The area was sore and the doctor advised me to leave it alone, don't scratch, no creams, no soap, just let water run over it while showering. A miracle (blessing?) happened - I did not need to use deodorants after this, and still smell pleasant. Just as well as some anti-perspirants contain aluminium which can be carcinogenic. I was asked later to apply some baby oil but what really worked for me was Himalaya's body lotion and Fruits Of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. Very soothing and helped to moisturise the skin. Took a while for skin to turn to normal and the dark burnt layer to peel off. Took some shots for posterity and to be used as a deterrent if I crave for foods that can cause inflammation ( and gatal2). No belacan and ikan gatal for now. I think my deeper layers of skin are still scarring and trying to heal even though the top layers look pretty normal now.
The next step was a full CT scan to be used as a baseline, which I had done in October. No major issues though my surgeon did say I may need to do a chest x-ray in 3 months time. Up to now, I have not said "YES" to Tamoxifen yet. I know for an ER+ /PR+ case like me, that is next on the checklist as the gold standard treatment, after Surgery, Chemo and Radiation. Much to the displeasure and disappointment of my doctors, I have for now decided not to pop Tamoxifen in my mouth everymorning. Who can tell the future, except God?
God knows I have braved myself for the trials and tribulations of the earlier stages of treatment. Insya Allah I have eradicated all bad cells existing up to that point in time through invasive therapies - chemo and radiation. Who is to know what the future will hold - there are so many unknown threats to health, not just BC. I seek God's will to help me manage my health, lifestyle and situation better so that not only do I hope to fend off future cancers, but other health problems as well, if God wills it. I just want to feel responsible for my own health now. Should the unknown enemy rear it's ugly head (Nauzubillah) then, I will turnto my good doctors for help, then we would know exactly what we are fighting for. I would like to save Tamoxifen as something we could whip out from under our sleeves, should the unfortunate happen. If it doesn't, then Syukur Alhamdullillah.
I have been through the side-effects of chemo drugs and radiation, and I am still recovering. It will be a while before my system is clear from all the residual traces of invasive drugs and radiation. I long for my body to feel normal again, for my energy level to be up, so I can be up and about without tiring easily. For that reason, I am closely monitoring my lifestyle to try get back to normal. Though "normal" will be far from what normal used to be. I have learnt to make adjustments here and there, and accepted that some things have to change. It has been a most educational experience. I know about the disease as much as I needed to know and more, and have met and learnt from the kind people I have encountered because of my being a BC patient. God bless all the people who have provided support all along. They made it that much easier for me. I have also learnt a lot about friendships and family, and along the way made many new friends who are dearer to me now just like family. On the flipside, I have also learnt to differentiate the wheat from the chaff, and realise who my true friends are.
If there's one thing that a life-threatening illness can teach you, it is this - BE SELECTIVE and do not be shy or afraid to say NO. Life is so short to waste on undeserving issues, and each new day, it is important to make oneself feel good before one can make others feel great. A very simple philosophy, but just as simple to forget and overlook. Especially in the effort of trying to be "selfless" and "kind". Be kind to self first. Do I sound selfish? You bet. I am now more afraid of displeasing my Maker than of anyone or anything else.
2007 will be a year to remember indeed. Will I try to erase it from my mind, of course not!
I derived strength from the challenges thrown my way during the year, and I felt as though I have shed a layer of old skin that is now replaced by a new one that is not as easily hurt, stressed or annoyed. A tough skin.
Let's talk about the cats now. My three babies are back with me in KL. Poor things - all cooped up in a townhouse and no longer free to roam around a kampung compound with it's share of trees, shrubs and interesting "toys" to play with like chickens, squirrels, monitor lizards and birds. They are back to scratching my sofa. It is sooooo nice to have them around. I have to alter their diet as they tend to put on weight due to the lack of running around.
Troy is really big, he looks like a dog. A limping dog. And Ashley, must be going through menopause, always trying to find fault with poor Putri and have her paws on Putri's head whenever I wasn't looking. Something must have happened between them when they were living in Melaka. Putri seems timid somewhat, I need to "counsel" her and see why she seems withdrawn. She used to be frisky and leaping all over the place.
My 3 babies have not just one, but two new friends. Blackie, the domestic stray continues to be just that. I would be in Melaka for a month and God knows who feeds him, but the moment I am back, he would appear at our front gate. The neighbours must have fed him as he always appeared healthy, not like he has been scavenging for scraps from dustbins.
We now have an additional stray, a cat we decided to rescue. We call him "Bouncer" as he looks like one, bulky chest, thick neck and all. Except when we found him on the patio table upon our return from kampung, he was badly injured in the mouth and was almost dying. Smelly pus was dripping from his jaw and he was weak. We nursed him to recovery and when he had a relapse of whatever it was ( we learnt later it was a liver problem, and low immunity ), we decided to let the Vet to take charge. 18 days with the Vet and Bouncer has bonced back to health. He doesn't want to leave our porch, so it's one more to our collection of rescued cats. He has a lopsided jaw but can still afford to look amazingly cute, he has a "plate-face" ( muka pinggan, if you can imagine what I mean). I will try to get him to pose for the camera one of these days and put up his picture here.
Family ? The same as always - and I have learnt to accept certain things. Very little bug me these days in this area. As long as everyone's fine, that is what matters. I am here, they know where to find me.
What next? Only God nows. Yes, I have plans....many plans. But as the events of 2007 taught me - we can plan, but God will execute what is deemed the best for us. With that, I seek God's forgiveness and blessings, and am redha' with God's will. God is all knowing and I seek God's guidance each day so that I can keep my chin up, my head and spirit high ( but not in the clouds). Will I continue from where I had left off earlier this year? Will I seek new directions?
Only God knows what is best for his insan. AllahuAkbar.
My warmest greetings to everyone for a meaningful time at year-end to reflect over the past 12 months and my prayers for everyone to have a happy, healthy and successful 2008. Insya Allah.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Remembering Allahyarhamah Nurin
In two days I would complete my 25 Radiation Therapy sessions, which started on August 27 . Twenty sessions of photon radiation to my affected breast area and five"booster" sessions of electron radiation to the surgery scar area on the same breast. I had earlier planned to record what the treatment had entailed for me during the week, but got derailed from that plan as I was too much shaken by the latest disruption to hit our peace of mind - Nurin's fate. My eyes still well up in tears whenever the image of her lifeless face flashes across my mind. Like her parents, I was hoping we will find her alive. We did not.
I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.
My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.
I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.
Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.
I feel for her parents, for her entire family and for her close friends. I also feel for all the people who had known her(including the Pasar Malam folks) as they will eternally haunted by how her sweet, innocent life had been cruelly terminated by beings who should be wiped out of the face of this earth. If the beasts are caught and stoning to death is the sentence, I will be in the queue with a bagful of stones, that's for sure.
My experiences on Radiation Therapy can wait a while as I need to get these feelings of anger, sadness and despair dissipated and out of my system. I would like to convince myself she did not die in vain.
I don't know Nurin or her family, yet I get my tummy in knots thinking about how she must have suffered from that fateful evening in August right through her last breath four weeks later in September. Allah has mercy on her to not let the beasts continue with their deeds and decided to protect her by calling her back. Allah is all knowing and hard as it may be to come to terms with what had happened, especially for her family, things always happen for a reason.
Nurin sayang, you did not pass away in vain. So many before you had suffered similar fates because we are still struggling to make our country a safe(r) place. Insya Allah, because of you, an unfortunate 8 year old, other kids and adults will be made aware of how rampant this menace is and will use simple common sense to act and make sure similar incidences do not happen again. I hope you will forgive the people around you who could have stepped up to help and manage the situation better but did not. Rest in peace, dear sweet girl and semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke-atas roh mu. Al Faatihah.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Bouncing back in Ramadan
It's day 6 of the holy month of Ramadan...a month favoured by many to be a month of cleansing and purification, a month of introspection deep within one's soul, a month to do good, to be even better than one had ever been before.....a time for charitable acts, a time to strengthen feelings of kinship, and a time to be really true to one's self during which most worldly and materialistic concerns take a somewhat backseat......
What a mouthful! For someone who is fasting, I surprise myself at the mouthful of words that I have keyed into the previous paragraph. That is what happens I suppose if one has been unabashedly writing away, freely, whatever comes to mind when pen or pencil hits paper. And writing away every day, with no fear or favour - write, write, write whatever comes to mind in my trusty green journal, now looking very battered and abused due to being pounded on first thing in the morning upon rising and any time in between when I can have a moment in the comfort and privacy of my room, even in the bathroom. And squirrelling it away so that I don't see it when I wasn't writing, in case I have a change of mind and decide to change or erase what have been written earlier. It was so comforting to really write as it flows, no editting, no subconscious awareness that someone else might be reading what I had scribbled as honesty was the main theme of the writing and therefore, if chanced upon by others, some hearts might be broken and possibly, my poor, bald head might be broken along with that!
For my blogopals who might have wondered about my absence in blogosphere from the last post till now, please accept my assurance that I am still a keen blogger.....just taking a much needed "break" to drill into myself, to really discover for myself what makes me tick and what gets me kicking. My apologies for not checking my tm.net emails and the blog. I needed a break in a routine that constantly reminded me of my sad yet meaningful battle with cancer. Not that I can ever forget.
After almost 4 months of blogging about my experience with managing treatment, and just before my last and 6th chemo which I took on July 26, it dawned on me that very soon, there will be no more "weapons" fired into my system to kill any lurking bad cells. I will be on my own, entirely on my own, to ensure that I regain my health and not allow any future recurrence, Insya Allah.
While it was a relief to tell myself "aah, only 1 more chemo to go", I had felt awkwardly scared that I will have "nothing" to be fighting bad cells in me. Sure, the Radiation Therapy will assist with any residual traces of microscopic bad cells (as I like to tell friends, yang dah menetas and yang belum menetas) that might have eluded surgery and even chemotherapy, but what happens after Radiation? I have at that point in time, and up to this moment, entertained the option on going for alternative therapy to manage or bar future recurrence.
Unless convinced otherwise by my doctors, I am not looking to pursue Hormonal Therapy. Yup, no more drugs into my body after this, so no Tamoxifen. I know that Tamoxifen works wonders for others for whom the possibility of recurrence might be due to their biological or genetic make-up. For me, based on my self-analysis and introspection while undergoing treatment, I came to the conclusion ( further validated by the themes and contents of my "wild" writing spree during my blog silence) that the cancer cells invaded my system because I had not been very good in managing my stress, resulting in a lot of negative impact on my immune system and an unhappy blob at the back of my mind which I was not conscious of until it surfaced during my moments of self assessment and introspection.
The "discovery" was awesome, and scary. I need to change, I don't need drugs or another surgery. No surgery or drugs can remove traces of negative feelings, resentments, guilt or regrets that might still be flowing in my mind/body although I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. The fact that some events in my past still had the power to sap my energy , both unconsciously or sub-consciously mean I had not truly gotten over them. And for my own survival and well-being, I NEED TO GET OVER THEM.
No surgery or drugs or doctors can help me with this. I realise that the introduction of this disease is Divine Intervention of the highest kind for me, to show me that I need to stop, think and move forward without letting any errors, regrets or guilt from the past to haunt me or limit my creativity or desires. No prescription pills can make me let go of the past, no surgery can remove past or present resentments from suppressing my happiness. I have to do it, myself and take the necessary steps to do so. While I am the same person as the one pre-cancer, I just cannot afford to behave or react to emotional situations the same way as before. If I do, I will be back to square one, and pay the toll and face the consequences. And if I have an ounce of respect for myself, that should be my mission from here on....to improve me, in a holistic kind of way - mind, body, spirit.
If it means transforming myself so that I am not the same person to some of the people who knew/know me, then so be it. As long as I am still a worthwhile person, why should it matter if I am no longer as giving, to the point of deficit, both emotionally and physically? God has given me an opportunity to "re-invent" myself in the way I manage my reactions to stressful situations, to divert my energy to more meaningful pursuits other than undertaking thankless jobs of managing the burdens of others, to really evaluate what really matters to me in this short life (that can be hanging in the balance if I am not mindful of how I manage my mind and body), and to increase my knowledge about how to be better prepared to face the "next" world.
I would be really stupid if I don't interprete my recent experience(s) this way. My utmost thank to Allah, syukur Alhamdullillah, that I discovered the cancer, underwent a successful surgery to remove it, managed the challenges of chemotherapy and now, Insya Allah, am almost mid-way in undergoing 25 daily sessions of Radiation Therapy and still feeling hopeful and confident that I can overcome this. With Allah's grace, I really should seize the moment to act upon what I have discovered about myself so that the future me will have a stronger consitution and that my mind will ease and help my body ward of potential diseases, Insya Allah.
As I couldn't pinpoint a single "Lifestyle Factors" that could have burdened me with the cancer that was eradicated, since others are faced with the same lifestyle options and environmental stresses (and yet cancer-free), the only contributing factor had to be ME. So from here on, I will take full responsibility for my health, strengthen my consitution and pray that God will take note of my effort and help me along. For how can anything happen without God's will.
And this holy month of Ramadan couldn't have come at a better time, for me personally, as the month-long reflection(and terawihs) is really helping me to re-inforce my recent discoveries and my belief that Allah always has a reason for letting things happen, and that if we are willing to help ourselves, Allah is always on hand to give us a nudge and a tweaking every now and then, to urge us on the right path. Insya Allah.
As it has been for me, I hope the fasting, prayers, charity in this month of Ramadan will bring all my family, friends and ummah all the blessings and enlightenment that are needed for a truly happy existence. A happy heart is a healthy heart. Or is it the other way around? What does it matter, for as long as you are healthy, count your blessings and be happy to remain healthy.
May Allah bless everyone. I will try to post everynow and then to share my experience of Radiation treatment ( a few mentionable incidents there!). And on a more serious note, to jot down some of my "self-discoveries" which are honest findings, which made me wonder if other cancer survivors discovered any awkward/unpleasant truths about themselves that might have caused their cancer to grow and win round 1, 2 or 3. I truly believe we cause our own disease, not the ikan masin, dairy products, red meat or canned food! And that only we can heal and protect ourselves from the disease, no pills or drugs can stop it if our mind and body allow it to take root. Insya Allah.
Selamat Berpuasa, dear friends. Ramadan Kareem.....
P.S.
For those in the neighbourhood, our Sri Hartamas Surau holds a Buka Puasa every evening during Ramadan and a Moreh after Terawih ( lapan rakaat, by the way). Nice, simple fare courtesy of residents who book a date with a caterer to "sedekah" a Buka Puasa Juadah. It is open to all who "sudi" to come for prayers here. Small, cosy family atmosphere, just a small crowd of about 100, no parking problem at all. Me? I walk from my house, need to un-load the excess baggage ( 8 kilos!) slowly gathered during chemo. :)
Monday, July 9, 2007
Day 5 - Feeling really down
July 9 (Day 5 of cycle 5)
Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.
To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?
The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?
I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.
For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.
I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......
Syukur Alhamdullillah I managed to get a grip of my emotions. I agree with my close friends that it is a waste of time to emote and waste my energy worrying about things that will not and could not change. I need to focus on my physical wellbeing for now and keep my emotions in check no matter how challenged I feel on the situation.
To be fair, people must have reasons and justifications for their actions (or inactions). It is not for me to judge. What I can manage is my own reaction to the situation. And I hope dear God, that I will be fine soon to be able to make the trip and be with my dad. I will have to understand that they may have their own sets of limitations that prohibit them from visiting their own father, maybe the same or different from the sets of limitations that have been put forth before. And I must not take it personally on behalf of my father. Hey, he may not even notice it. Or does he?
The first week post any chemo is usually a "down"time, my mood is normally in the pits even without any additional stressful stimuli. This time there are so many, Allah is testing me to see how well I can balance my emotions and put things in perspective while faced with the side effects of nausea and fatigue and feeling helpless and dependent on others. I need to be really honest with myself if I am displeased with myself for being incapable of being there for my dad or with my siblings for their can't -be- bothered -he'll - be- fine attitude?
I am not going to waste more energy thinking this through. Insya Allah, I will pick myself up both physically and emotionally in a day or two, and will make the trip to visit my dad. I can't thank my friends enough, the ones who have come foward to offer to drive me to Melaka anytime and who asked me to give them a yell if I need them to help. May Allah bless them always and may their lives be enriched in return for all the kindness they have showered on me.
For now, I need to make sure I eat well, rest well and worry little and have faith that this situation will sort itself out in the way it is intended by the Almighty. The last sms from my dad is the same, he is still in the ward and I am not to worry and that I should take care of my health. And I will, Insya Allah. Eating is a challenge now and my appetite is the last thing that is occupying my thoughts. I need to remind myself that I have a condition to manage and what my doctor has advised, to manage my stress level while undergoing chemotherapy and its myriad side effects which can be draining on one's immunity and mental state. Depression is to be avoided at all costs.
I can't wait for my sister in the UK to be back in the country. At what, 14 hours flight hours(?)away, she has spent more time with my dad than all the other siblings in this country combined over the last few years, I think, through her visits. And she has a full time job and raising brilliant kids. I guess someone is right, it is all about priorities.......
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Day 4 Cycle 5 (Gastric again..)
July 8 (Day 4 of cycle 5)
I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.
I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.
It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?
I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.
What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?
I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?
This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????
Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?
I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.
I had to wake up at 4am to make a cup of warm Horlicks as I was curling in pain, the gastric attacks are back with a vengeance. I am not sure if this was chemo drug-induced ( the increased dosage) or due to nervous and guilt secretion due to not being able to be near my dad in hospital. I was worried about him feeling upset that none of his kids are around, other than Darsih the fulltime care giver that was assigned to be with him all day.
I need to focus in getting over this hurdle of gastric pains and fatigue and Insya Allah, by Wednesday or Thursday I hope to be able to visit him, if he is still in hospital or at the Nursing Home, if by Allah's grace he has been discharged. I am truly upset that none of my other siblings have made an effort to go visit and be there for him or even discuss about how together we can come up with a plan to make sure someone is there.
It has always been my role to initiate, organise and plan and I ve never complained. However, when I am indisposed like this and very, very sensitive to unthoughtful remarks concerning my dad, I know better than to be a hero as it will affect me in more ways than one. He is our father for goodness sake and he is not well and someone needs to be around him just for reassurance. As far as I know none of us have a life and death duty here in KL that we couldn't leave behind for a short while to give a quick visit. I would go as my friend would drive me but I know my dad will be discouraged if he sees me in pain and looking pathethic like right now. I would wait for Thursday when I hope to be feeling better and able to motivate my dad. And beware the first person to call me then to ask how is dad?
I spent all day at home venting to friends about my situation and reading the Sunday papers. Some friends dropped by to help finish up the birthday cake and had dinner with me. I need to whet up an appetite as the tastebuds are on strike again and everything tasted bitter and awful and the strange after taste in my mouth did not help my moods at all.
What a timing to be faced with this dilemma. Which needn't be a dilemma if my siblings have been more responsive to my dad's needs. What had happened to them, how did they change, did having their won family change them? I would have thought that being fathers themselves they would need to set a good example to their own children? What values are they imparting to the kids? I know for a fact that number one sibling, with due respect to his highly placed station in life as a retired university lecturer, is sitting at home as both husband and wife have taken on the role of minding for a grand daughter. "Our priorities have changed, we have a grand-daughter now" was what they told us last year when we commented that they had never visited my dad at all since September 2005. What kind of b.....remark and excuse is that?
I am so upset and vented with friends. As if to comfort me they shared that they are in the same situation. We were so, so , so close before and things changed after Emak left us. According to my friends, friends are more responsive than siblings and relatives. But in my case, I am not expecting them to do anything for me, I was just hoping that all the kids will share in their role and responsibilities to make our parents' golden years happy. Dad is in hospital, can they not visit? Is that too difficult?
This is just an example of some of the cobwebby thoughts lurking in my mind that have been a real challenge to manage. What if I am no longer around, who would respond to my dad's call for attention. They will be the first one to visit him if they need anything from him, but when he needs them where are they???????????
Deep breath.....suck in air......deep breath....Ya Allah, please grant me the patience and the strength to manage this my way, and Ya Allah, please show me the way for You are all knowing. Forgive me for venting out over my siblings but You know our story and may You open up their hearts and mind that our father needs them too....As far as I know, none has contacted the hospital or the Nursing Home to find out how dad is doing. What is wrong with them?
I really need to relax so as not to aggravate my acid stomach. And I really need to focus my mind so as not to be sick and throw up, not because of the chemo drugs but due to this very testing situation.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Day 3 - Cycle 5 (07-07-07)
July 7 ( day 3 of cycle 5)
The side-effects are beginning to be apparent- the tiredness and fatigue. No mood to go out but forced myself to walk to the shops nearby to get the morning papers. By the time I got back to the house, I was tired and was ready to just sink into the sofa.
I had my usual breakfast of soft boiled eggs and toast, followed by the anti-nausea medication. I made sure I took some psyillium husks too and bananas in an effort to avoid another round of constipation as a result of the Emend. I rested while reading the papers. I wasn't really up to watching dvds, so listened to some Gamelan music to chill out.
I received a text from the Manager of the Nursing Home where my dad is at about 3 pm or so. My dad had complained of chest pains and although he was reluctant, Jenny arranged for him to be rushed to the hospital. My dad is now warded and is being supplied with oxygen as the doctor assessed that his heart is causing him to be breathless. He must be worried about me, and I feel really down that I couldn't zoom over as I would normally do to be with him. I passed the text on to my siblings here and have not heard back from them.
I spoke to Jenny and she said not to worry, she will arrange to have a nurse or one of her staff by my father 24 hrs. My dad does not like being in the ward alone, and in the past one will accompany him. I am not in a position to do so right now, and so are my siblings who have children and grandchildren to take care of. I told Jenny I should be fine and less sickly by day 5 and my friend RJ have offered to drive me whenever I need to go. I don't think I can drive the 2 hours to the hospital in my condition and I really appreciated her offer. It's incredible that at times like this, my friends are more receptive to the occassion than my own siblings and relatives. Is my family strange or what? I know better than to suggest anything as I get annoyed very easily if someone says the wrong things that shouldn't be said when it comes to family matters, especially involving parents.
I tried to speak to my dad on the phone but he couldn't hear me, so we exchanged sms via the carer's phone. He said not to worry and that I must take care of my health and get better soon. I told him not to worry about me as I have good doctors, and that he should relax and be tenang. He is still on oxygen and sound breathless, but he couldn't hear a thing I was saying. I pray hard that he will be fine, my sister and niece from the UK will be arriving the week of July 16 and we are planning a surprise for his 89th birthday on July 25.
Ya Allah, I seek your mercy and compassion to make me strong so that I can focus in getting myself feeling much better. Please grant me the faith to trust that the people looking after my father has your blessings to give him the best care he deserves so that he will be fine again. Thank you Ya Allah for listening to my prayers and doa. You are most compassionate and most merciful. Syukur Alhamdullillah.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Day 2 Cycle 5 - Birthday In Situ At Home
July 6 (Day 2 of Cycle 5)
I woke up very thankful to the Almighty that I am feeling fine today which marks another year as a, I hope, useful human being. My Onco popped in to check how I was doing and confirmed that I should be fine and was going to give me some sleeping tablets if I need to cope with sleep better. I declined as so far, syukur Alhamdullillah, I have been sleeping quite well. He reminded me about the warm compresses so that we should be prepared for the 6th cycle in 21 days time.
I received a lot of text messages from my friends and close siblings and their kids wishing me happy birthday. A friend and her son surprised me with a visit in the morning and God Bless her, she brought some gifts that will make my planned trip to Bali "complete" - a floppy hat to cover my bald scalp in case I forget!
I was able to drive home slowly and did not attempt to make any detours along the way. I just can't wait to get home. We found Blackie the stray cat waiting for us, wondering where we had gone. He was limping, no cuts or wound but limping slightly. He must have been in a fight with the tiger-sized cat that belongs to my back neighbour, we call him Kuning. Kuning must have tried to pinch some of the food we put out for Blackie in the automatic feeder and Blackie must have put out a fight, and got whacked in return.
Vik sorted out the stuff from the hospital and I got myself organised for the side effects to surface. Despite the Emend, Novaban and Dexamethasone, I still felt queasy, so imagine if there weren't any aids. I felt like Bubur Kacang so Vik made some. My late Emak swore by Bubur Kacang for constipation, so I am trying that out as well. My nephew came by and stayed until maghrib. A close friend had dropped a dvd that I had been wanting to watch "An Inconvenient Truth" (The Al Gore effort) so at least I know I have something interesting to watch.
Some friends were planning to take me out to dinner to celebrate but I felt a bit tired to be out and about, so instead a few close ones came by with a cake and candles and we celebrated "in-situ" right at home. It makes me feel all warm inside knowing that they had come straight to my house after work and I did not have to feel alone on my birthday. Not that it is a grand occassion, but for me it is a day of thanksgiving, grateful to be alive and knowing there are people who cared enough. I miss my dad who would usually insist on a cake and pulut kuning if he is around, but alas.
Syukur Alhamdullillah for another year and Insya Allah, I pray for many more good years to come to be with those who have touched my life in meaningful ways.
I woke up very thankful to the Almighty that I am feeling fine today which marks another year as a, I hope, useful human being. My Onco popped in to check how I was doing and confirmed that I should be fine and was going to give me some sleeping tablets if I need to cope with sleep better. I declined as so far, syukur Alhamdullillah, I have been sleeping quite well. He reminded me about the warm compresses so that we should be prepared for the 6th cycle in 21 days time.
I received a lot of text messages from my friends and close siblings and their kids wishing me happy birthday. A friend and her son surprised me with a visit in the morning and God Bless her, she brought some gifts that will make my planned trip to Bali "complete" - a floppy hat to cover my bald scalp in case I forget!
I was able to drive home slowly and did not attempt to make any detours along the way. I just can't wait to get home. We found Blackie the stray cat waiting for us, wondering where we had gone. He was limping, no cuts or wound but limping slightly. He must have been in a fight with the tiger-sized cat that belongs to my back neighbour, we call him Kuning. Kuning must have tried to pinch some of the food we put out for Blackie in the automatic feeder and Blackie must have put out a fight, and got whacked in return.
Vik sorted out the stuff from the hospital and I got myself organised for the side effects to surface. Despite the Emend, Novaban and Dexamethasone, I still felt queasy, so imagine if there weren't any aids. I felt like Bubur Kacang so Vik made some. My late Emak swore by Bubur Kacang for constipation, so I am trying that out as well. My nephew came by and stayed until maghrib. A close friend had dropped a dvd that I had been wanting to watch "An Inconvenient Truth" (The Al Gore effort) so at least I know I have something interesting to watch.
Some friends were planning to take me out to dinner to celebrate but I felt a bit tired to be out and about, so instead a few close ones came by with a cake and candles and we celebrated "in-situ" right at home. It makes me feel all warm inside knowing that they had come straight to my house after work and I did not have to feel alone on my birthday. Not that it is a grand occassion, but for me it is a day of thanksgiving, grateful to be alive and knowing there are people who cared enough. I miss my dad who would usually insist on a cake and pulut kuning if he is around, but alas.
Syukur Alhamdullillah for another year and Insya Allah, I pray for many more good years to come to be with those who have touched my life in meaningful ways.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Chemo # 5 - Day 1
July 5 ( D-day for Chemo #5, Day 1)
Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to locate a small vein on the underside of my forearm ( "comel" the Onco nurse described it). My Onco was quite concerned and planned to have a warm compress on the forearm if no veins bulged out. As the vein was narrow extra caution was exercised to administer the drug and throughout I felt pain and discomfort and a very strong urge to be sick, but managed to control myself. Syukur Alhamdullillah the chemo was completed relatively smoothly, starting at 10 to 1 pm and ending just after 4. I was admitted for overnight observation and felt less stressed up knowing that help is at hand should I need it. I brought Vik my helper along with me and in fact, I drove to the medical center today, to the surprise of my friends.
I was at the center early to get my pre-chemo blood test done again. At 9 am the lab couldn't locate a vein that will release blood into the syringe. This time, they did not bother to prick more veins on my arm but went straight to my foot and we managed to get a decent sample even though it was painful. I was going to test the vampire style of sucking blood ie if they couldn't get any from my foot, the only sure place would be the jugular vein. Hopefully we will not have to resort to that ever, I am already seeing fangs right now.
I rested well in the ward. My friends came by with some snacks ( a Big Mac for which I had a sudden craving although dinner served was a nice grilled fish) and boiled chinese barley to cool and calm me down. I was feeling hot and perspiring even though the airconditioner was at it's lowest. The stayed until about 8 pm and I tried to have an early night after the nurses checked my bp and indicated that it was a bit low. Again. It was the same the last time.
I thanked the Almighty for his blessing and compassion that saw me through the 5th chemo. All I need to do in return is to be strong and manage the usual side-effects. Michelle brought a powder that really worked for the sores in my lips, she bought it at a chinese sen-seh shop, it is supposed to be ground watermelon seeds, very bitter but minty. After 3 different assortment of cures, the sores seem to have eased up a little, syukur Alhamdullillah. The coconut juice, the gengigel, the orabase and the watermelon seeds powder-no, that is really 4 different cures. Glad they worked together and not backfire in my mouth.
Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to locate a small vein on the underside of my forearm ( "comel" the Onco nurse described it). My Onco was quite concerned and planned to have a warm compress on the forearm if no veins bulged out. As the vein was narrow extra caution was exercised to administer the drug and throughout I felt pain and discomfort and a very strong urge to be sick, but managed to control myself. Syukur Alhamdullillah the chemo was completed relatively smoothly, starting at 10 to 1 pm and ending just after 4. I was admitted for overnight observation and felt less stressed up knowing that help is at hand should I need it. I brought Vik my helper along with me and in fact, I drove to the medical center today, to the surprise of my friends.
I was at the center early to get my pre-chemo blood test done again. At 9 am the lab couldn't locate a vein that will release blood into the syringe. This time, they did not bother to prick more veins on my arm but went straight to my foot and we managed to get a decent sample even though it was painful. I was going to test the vampire style of sucking blood ie if they couldn't get any from my foot, the only sure place would be the jugular vein. Hopefully we will not have to resort to that ever, I am already seeing fangs right now.
I rested well in the ward. My friends came by with some snacks ( a Big Mac for which I had a sudden craving although dinner served was a nice grilled fish) and boiled chinese barley to cool and calm me down. I was feeling hot and perspiring even though the airconditioner was at it's lowest. The stayed until about 8 pm and I tried to have an early night after the nurses checked my bp and indicated that it was a bit low. Again. It was the same the last time.
I thanked the Almighty for his blessing and compassion that saw me through the 5th chemo. All I need to do in return is to be strong and manage the usual side-effects. Michelle brought a powder that really worked for the sores in my lips, she bought it at a chinese sen-seh shop, it is supposed to be ground watermelon seeds, very bitter but minty. After 3 different assortment of cures, the sores seem to have eased up a little, syukur Alhamdullillah. The coconut juice, the gengigel, the orabase and the watermelon seeds powder-no, that is really 4 different cures. Glad they worked together and not backfire in my mouth.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Day 21 - Cycle 4 Round Up
July 4 ( Day 21 of Cycle 4)-Lots of Coconut Juice to drink (air kelapa)
Tomorrow is D-Day for Cycle 5. Cycle 5 on July 5, a day before I add another year to my already golden status. As I anticiapte a somehat challenging session ( the Onco nurses need to hunt for a "good vein" and then inject a drug to dilate them and clear the way for chemo drugs) I plan to be admitted overnight and not on a day basis as done earlier. I hope I can get away with the request for the doctor to reconsider the dosage if my lip ulcers are still bothering me. The red drug(Epirubicin) apparently is very "heaty" and cause ulcers. My Onco did acknowledge yesterday that the ulcers could be due to the increased dosage at cycle 4. I drank the juice from 2 whole coconuts as advised by friends who told me this can help reduce the heat in my body so that no fresh ulcers will appear.
How was the cycle 4 experience? Certainly vey different from previous cycles due to the increased dosage and the cumulative effects of the side effects. I am sure it will be different for different people based on their baseline health level and their ability to cope, so what I am journalising are the experiences that I went through and the lessons and learnings I get from them.
Pertinent points about Cycle 4:
Wbc count rather high - higher than baseline. 8.7 vs baseline of 6.4 and other interim counts ranging from 1.8-2.8.
Weight gain vs baseline - up 4 kgs (therefore average of 1 kg per cycle so far. All the steroid induced cravings and the need to eat well to maximise cell recovery during 3rd week post chemo.
Onco had prescribed increased dosage for 4th chemo , he upped Epirubicin dosage by 15%.
Given 2 doses of Neupogen during interim blood count (2.4) , sakit pinggang as a result.
Not given booster post 4th chemo as the relief Onco wanted to test if my system could cope and that my bone marrow could recover on its own.
Pre-chemo blood count yesterday showed quite a good count of 3.8 wbc, and if this is maintained and I am within the normal range of 4-11, chemo 5 can proceed tomorrow (assuming they can locate and open up channel in veins.)
Side effects - very different probably due to increased dosage. I felt weakened but refused to let body to wilt too much by the higher dose, so pushed myself to do all kinds of things like having a garage sale! How ever, my spirit was very low during the second week, and my appetite was affected somewhat but was successful in making sure some nutrients get in. Continued to have problems with bowel movement. Not that my bowels ain't moving, they move like clockwork every morning before or after suboh but it has been a daily excruciating experience probably caused by the constipation in cycle 2. I never did recover from the ravages of constipation. The doctor and everyone reminded me to drink up, which I tried to do although plain water now tastes awful and has to be supplemented with juices/flavours. An additional side effect for this cycle are painful mouth ulcers and blisters. The ones inside the outh are manageable as the Gengigel gargle nightly and after meals does help, so is the Gengigel gel to apply. However the ones on my lips just seem to grow deeper and bigger and very, very painful. The doctor prescribed Orabase which I have been applying every 3 hours after meals. Feels okay when the cream is freshly applied but the pain and tingling will stsrt again when the cream has been absorbed or swallowed. I shudder to think what will happen tomorrow when Epirubicin is administered and I am supposed to suck ice (yucks) to protect the lining of my mouth. What happens if the lining of my mouth and lips are already cracking up and painful, will it get worse? I don't even want to think about it now in case I lose some sleep tonite.
I received a number of encouraging sms from friends for me to be strong tomorrow after they hear about my blood being takem from my foot and not from my arm for the blood test yesterday.
I hope and pray the session tomorrow will go smoothly and that I get to rest awhile in the ward and go home the next day, if necessary. I remind myself always that Allah will test us up to the point of our capacity to manage, and Insya Allah, whatever happens tomorrow, I seek His guidance and compassion to grant me the strength to endure whatever challenges the session might bring.
Once I get through tomorrow, Insya Allah, there will be only one more cycle to go in 3 weeks time before I prepare myself for 5 weeks of daily radiation doses.
Ya Allah, please give me the courage and strength to turn up at the Medical center tomorrow and the resilience to tolerate the 3-4 hour process of making myself better while comfronting the treatment. Please guide my Onco and the Onco staff to handle me gently and that they will be able to locate a good vein that will be ready to recieve the chemo drugs that will help my body in its fight against those unseen mutant cells. Amin.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Day 20 - Pre-chemo blood test
July 3 (Day 20 of cycle 4)
It is day 20 and July 3, the day that I am supposed to turn up for the pre-chemo blood test to check my count since I did not do the normal interim count that was scheduled on June 22. I did not go at 9 am per the appointment time as I learnt that after the blood test, I had to wait at least 3 hours before I get to see my Onco as he always has a crowd waiting to see him. I decided to go close to noon, so that I only have to wait an hour or so to see him when the results come out. By noon or so, he would have seen all the patients who are scheduled for chemo on that day. It took me 4 cycles to realise this and I could have used the time running other errands.
As it turned out, this time it took the nurses at the lab quite some time to locate a vein in my arm from which to draw blood. I was jabbed at 3 different spots (God, it was painful this time) and although they found a vein and tried to suction out some blood, nothing was drawn into the syringe. I hope my veins have not completely closed up like a blind tunnel! After the 3 attempts they gave up and we decided to go for my foot!
My feet look typical of those belonging to someone in their golden age. It seems with botox and all, the face can look "young" and to tell the true age and experience of someone is not to look for wisdom lines in their faces but to look at the raised veins on their hands and feet. For me, the ones in my right hand are hiiden due to water retention and thrombophlebitis. The ones on my feet are yelling "use me, use me..!". I was worried that the needle might hit a bone in my feet as the feet has the most number of bones in our body and I fear that the nurses might hit one and break a needle. They sprayed something cool on the spot they were going to puncture and very soon, they were able to draw the minimum required to be tested. What a relief. I can't imagine where else they could jab to get blood if they couldn't get it from my feet.
I saw my Onco at about 1 pm and he said my blood count is good, 3.8. He said as long as I eat well leading up to July 5 I should have a good count for the chemo. He did suggest as a precaution in case it dips due to an infection in the next 2 days for me to get just one shot of Neupogen. My back twitched when he said that and I told him tak nak, as I get back pains and am curious to see if my body can manage the next chemo without chemical aid. I have to learn to be less dependent on chemical aids now that in 6 weeks time, my system have to cope totally on its own after the final chemo cycle. He said ok, then to be very sure that I eat really well for my blood.
After having said that, I showed him the ulcers on my lips and him that Gengigel from my dentist works well for ulcers on the tongue and in my mouth but not for lip ulcers which continue to expand and hurt like hell. He presribed something called Orabase that I need to apply thinly on my lips and I must not rub it into the sore, just slap on a thin layer and leave it to stick and blend to my tissues.
I met up a fellow cancer survivor for lunch ( or coffee rather as I can't eat with Orabase on my lips) and we talked about the upcoming convention as she was going to present a paper. She went back to work while I stayed behind to attend the launching of the Breast Care Center at the medical center. Datuk Seri Sharizat Jalil officiated and it was indeed a meaningful occassion as this will be the first all-in-one Breast Care Center in Malaysia. A private charity donated a goodie bag to invited cancer patients which contained thoughtful gifts which include among others an MP3 player with inspiring music and motivational messages that have been downloaded.
I didn't stay for the hi-tea to join in the small talks as I can't even talk properly, let alone smile. I did make many new friends while waiting for Sharizat to arrive and we will be trading stories via sms or at future events in BCWA. I met a motley crowd of survivors, ranging from 1 year-30 years survivorship. And their tips vary that I end up telling myself that no 2 survivors are the same and at the end of the day, one must have faith to be well and the mind and faith can team up against any invaders, seen or unseen. One lady told me to pantang durian, another said no pantang and she had been eating durians, have survived more than 18 years and did not even do chemo, just radiation. One said she was a stage 1, small lump and no lymph affcted lymph nodes and at 40 could get away without chemo. I had a similar prognosis, but because I am menopausal and in my golden years, chemotherapy is highly recommended.
I realise that it I talk to too many people I will end up confused and disheartened. Of course to be fair, I wouln't have met those who did not do chemo and who did not pantang and who succumbed to the disease even after 2 of the 3 adjuvant treatment. I then decided to chat with people I met about other things.
I had to leave early as my nephew was coming by and I had taken the key to the front gate along. I told my helper this is because I didn't want her to admit into my house any conman who would claim to be my relatives as she is still new. Dinner was kacang botol, fish gulai and soup tulang, with lots of semi-fresh dates apparently also good for blood. Another survivor friend recommended Pisang Emas, which apparently helps with blood count. Must go get some so that Insya Allah, I will be on schedule for the 5th chemo on 5th July.
It is day 20 and July 3, the day that I am supposed to turn up for the pre-chemo blood test to check my count since I did not do the normal interim count that was scheduled on June 22. I did not go at 9 am per the appointment time as I learnt that after the blood test, I had to wait at least 3 hours before I get to see my Onco as he always has a crowd waiting to see him. I decided to go close to noon, so that I only have to wait an hour or so to see him when the results come out. By noon or so, he would have seen all the patients who are scheduled for chemo on that day. It took me 4 cycles to realise this and I could have used the time running other errands.
As it turned out, this time it took the nurses at the lab quite some time to locate a vein in my arm from which to draw blood. I was jabbed at 3 different spots (God, it was painful this time) and although they found a vein and tried to suction out some blood, nothing was drawn into the syringe. I hope my veins have not completely closed up like a blind tunnel! After the 3 attempts they gave up and we decided to go for my foot!
My feet look typical of those belonging to someone in their golden age. It seems with botox and all, the face can look "young" and to tell the true age and experience of someone is not to look for wisdom lines in their faces but to look at the raised veins on their hands and feet. For me, the ones in my right hand are hiiden due to water retention and thrombophlebitis. The ones on my feet are yelling "use me, use me..!". I was worried that the needle might hit a bone in my feet as the feet has the most number of bones in our body and I fear that the nurses might hit one and break a needle. They sprayed something cool on the spot they were going to puncture and very soon, they were able to draw the minimum required to be tested. What a relief. I can't imagine where else they could jab to get blood if they couldn't get it from my feet.
I saw my Onco at about 1 pm and he said my blood count is good, 3.8. He said as long as I eat well leading up to July 5 I should have a good count for the chemo. He did suggest as a precaution in case it dips due to an infection in the next 2 days for me to get just one shot of Neupogen. My back twitched when he said that and I told him tak nak, as I get back pains and am curious to see if my body can manage the next chemo without chemical aid. I have to learn to be less dependent on chemical aids now that in 6 weeks time, my system have to cope totally on its own after the final chemo cycle. He said ok, then to be very sure that I eat really well for my blood.
After having said that, I showed him the ulcers on my lips and him that Gengigel from my dentist works well for ulcers on the tongue and in my mouth but not for lip ulcers which continue to expand and hurt like hell. He presribed something called Orabase that I need to apply thinly on my lips and I must not rub it into the sore, just slap on a thin layer and leave it to stick and blend to my tissues.
I met up a fellow cancer survivor for lunch ( or coffee rather as I can't eat with Orabase on my lips) and we talked about the upcoming convention as she was going to present a paper. She went back to work while I stayed behind to attend the launching of the Breast Care Center at the medical center. Datuk Seri Sharizat Jalil officiated and it was indeed a meaningful occassion as this will be the first all-in-one Breast Care Center in Malaysia. A private charity donated a goodie bag to invited cancer patients which contained thoughtful gifts which include among others an MP3 player with inspiring music and motivational messages that have been downloaded.
I didn't stay for the hi-tea to join in the small talks as I can't even talk properly, let alone smile. I did make many new friends while waiting for Sharizat to arrive and we will be trading stories via sms or at future events in BCWA. I met a motley crowd of survivors, ranging from 1 year-30 years survivorship. And their tips vary that I end up telling myself that no 2 survivors are the same and at the end of the day, one must have faith to be well and the mind and faith can team up against any invaders, seen or unseen. One lady told me to pantang durian, another said no pantang and she had been eating durians, have survived more than 18 years and did not even do chemo, just radiation. One said she was a stage 1, small lump and no lymph affcted lymph nodes and at 40 could get away without chemo. I had a similar prognosis, but because I am menopausal and in my golden years, chemotherapy is highly recommended.
I realise that it I talk to too many people I will end up confused and disheartened. Of course to be fair, I wouln't have met those who did not do chemo and who did not pantang and who succumbed to the disease even after 2 of the 3 adjuvant treatment. I then decided to chat with people I met about other things.
I had to leave early as my nephew was coming by and I had taken the key to the front gate along. I told my helper this is because I didn't want her to admit into my house any conman who would claim to be my relatives as she is still new. Dinner was kacang botol, fish gulai and soup tulang, with lots of semi-fresh dates apparently also good for blood. Another survivor friend recommended Pisang Emas, which apparently helps with blood count. Must go get some so that Insya Allah, I will be on schedule for the 5th chemo on 5th July.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Day 19 - Ulcers and Blisters
July 3 (Day 19 of cycle 4)
The ulcers have migrated from the top of my lower lip to it's base and the nerve ends must have hit the nerve ends of my gums that the pain is not unlike a nagging toothache. I often bit my lower lip by accident, and when this happens when there is a growing ulcer on the exact spot where my teeth landed, a piercing scream could result, no matter if I am in the privacy of my won dining table or in the middle of a busy restaurant. Which is exactly what happened on Monday afternoon when I was in this busy restaurant in Bangsar!
My veins in the right forearm are still hard and stiff and it is quite worrying. How will they administer the chemo drugs on Thursday if they cannot locate a vein too. Will I then have to get a chemo port done jsut for 3 more cycles, and be subject to another op and a round of anasthesia. The thought is more daunting than the anticipated pain that I know will be part of the deal when the drugs course through my hardened veins, just like at the 4th chemo.
I realised today that while I have confirmed our travel dates for Bali and that my friend from Sydney will be able to meet up with us there, I will be missing a very interesting International convention right here in KL for Cancer Survivors and Care Givers, organised by the BCWA. What a shame. I had read about the International Congress on Breast Cancer and Colorectal Cancer during the same period and understood that participants are those in the health care business, discussing the latest in the field of medicine relating to the 2 ailments. What I did not realise is that BCWA is also organising around the same time a convention for International Cancer Survivors to meet up and have round table discussions and a sharing of experiences. One of my cancer buddies will be presenting a paper on treatment options and costs, from a cancer perspective and my breast surgeon will lead a round table discussion on Shopping for Doctors.
Life is about making choices and the right decisions, based on best information available. The perfect scenario for me would be go to Bali and attend the convention upon return, or attend the convention and then go to Bali to chill out. As it turns out, the airtickets and hotel can be confirmed around the dates I had chosen, not earlier and not later, with 5 of us trying to get a mutually convenient date. If I were to pull out, 4 others will be affected and I don't have the heart to cancel it especially since I ave got everyone quite excited over the trip. My assurance is that some people I know will be attending and I could gather how the event turned out. I am sure it will be generously covered by the media as Breast Cancer is receiving a lot of attention, and a lot of research and business activities revolve around it.
I have made the decision, and I have convinced myself it is the right one to spend some time with my siblings, as ridiculous though it may sound, it has not always been easy to find a suitable time to go holiday together. Conventions come and go and there will always be similar arrangements in future, and I don't know what God's plans are and if I will be around to enjoy a good holiday with close family members if I wait for "the next time". I am sure they will be other opportunities to meet up with survivors from all over the globe and trade experiences and tips, but the way things turn out, it must be part of God's plan.
We will celebrate my dad's birthday at the end of July and spend a few days with him at home in Melaka while my sister and niece are around. Hopefully we can spend some time to get the plan about planting dragonfruits to gel a bit more. It is beginning to sound very interesting....and promising, Insya Allah. I am already visualising me giving baskets and hampers of bright red dragon fruits to friends and family, all country grown in an organic way. Insya Allah, this "Naga Saga" will materialise if enough heads are equally committed. I am not going to be the old me who will be 133% enthusiastic about things and ended up shouldering the burden and responsibilities alone! Will need to test the interest barometer for sharing both the hard work. No need to test the barometer on who will be happy to share in the output and produce, there will be many, based on past experience.....
The ulcers have migrated from the top of my lower lip to it's base and the nerve ends must have hit the nerve ends of my gums that the pain is not unlike a nagging toothache. I often bit my lower lip by accident, and when this happens when there is a growing ulcer on the exact spot where my teeth landed, a piercing scream could result, no matter if I am in the privacy of my won dining table or in the middle of a busy restaurant. Which is exactly what happened on Monday afternoon when I was in this busy restaurant in Bangsar!
My veins in the right forearm are still hard and stiff and it is quite worrying. How will they administer the chemo drugs on Thursday if they cannot locate a vein too. Will I then have to get a chemo port done jsut for 3 more cycles, and be subject to another op and a round of anasthesia. The thought is more daunting than the anticipated pain that I know will be part of the deal when the drugs course through my hardened veins, just like at the 4th chemo.
I realised today that while I have confirmed our travel dates for Bali and that my friend from Sydney will be able to meet up with us there, I will be missing a very interesting International convention right here in KL for Cancer Survivors and Care Givers, organised by the BCWA. What a shame. I had read about the International Congress on Breast Cancer and Colorectal Cancer during the same period and understood that participants are those in the health care business, discussing the latest in the field of medicine relating to the 2 ailments. What I did not realise is that BCWA is also organising around the same time a convention for International Cancer Survivors to meet up and have round table discussions and a sharing of experiences. One of my cancer buddies will be presenting a paper on treatment options and costs, from a cancer perspective and my breast surgeon will lead a round table discussion on Shopping for Doctors.
Life is about making choices and the right decisions, based on best information available. The perfect scenario for me would be go to Bali and attend the convention upon return, or attend the convention and then go to Bali to chill out. As it turns out, the airtickets and hotel can be confirmed around the dates I had chosen, not earlier and not later, with 5 of us trying to get a mutually convenient date. If I were to pull out, 4 others will be affected and I don't have the heart to cancel it especially since I ave got everyone quite excited over the trip. My assurance is that some people I know will be attending and I could gather how the event turned out. I am sure it will be generously covered by the media as Breast Cancer is receiving a lot of attention, and a lot of research and business activities revolve around it.
I have made the decision, and I have convinced myself it is the right one to spend some time with my siblings, as ridiculous though it may sound, it has not always been easy to find a suitable time to go holiday together. Conventions come and go and there will always be similar arrangements in future, and I don't know what God's plans are and if I will be around to enjoy a good holiday with close family members if I wait for "the next time". I am sure they will be other opportunities to meet up with survivors from all over the globe and trade experiences and tips, but the way things turn out, it must be part of God's plan.
We will celebrate my dad's birthday at the end of July and spend a few days with him at home in Melaka while my sister and niece are around. Hopefully we can spend some time to get the plan about planting dragonfruits to gel a bit more. It is beginning to sound very interesting....and promising, Insya Allah. I am already visualising me giving baskets and hampers of bright red dragon fruits to friends and family, all country grown in an organic way. Insya Allah, this "Naga Saga" will materialise if enough heads are equally committed. I am not going to be the old me who will be 133% enthusiastic about things and ended up shouldering the burden and responsibilities alone! Will need to test the interest barometer for sharing both the hard work. No need to test the barometer on who will be happy to share in the output and produce, there will be many, based on past experience.....
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Days 16, 17, 18 , - Technical Hitches
The last four days ( today inclusive) have been rather hectic and it didn't help one bit when my dialup connection to tmnet did not work. After numerous phone calls and investigative tests, we got it sorted out. My phone cable was kaput and I had to go out to buy a replacement to drag from the phone socket to the laptop on my desk. No one from tmnet was, alas , able to pinpoint the problem and I had thought that my laptop was kaput. It was only when that nice guy Alan at the SHC Pineapple store tested my laptop using their phone line that it was thankfully confirmed that my laptop is okay but not my phone cable. What a relief. It has also been a hectic 4 days so have not been able to hang out at Starbucks to catch up on emails. My mailbox was full when I finally logged on today.
June 29 (Day 16 of cycle 4)
My phone cable must have "died" on this day. I spent sometime seeking assistance from the tmnet call center but no one could pinpoint the problem. That was a real bummer as I was planning to surf the net for good deals to Bali to chill out after my last chemo and was going to go with my sis, her daughter and my brother. A friend from Sydney was planning to join us in Bali if the timing is right. As it turned out I spent the whole afternoon at my travel agent nearby and finally got all that sorted out. I am assuming and hoping that I will be fit for travel after my last chemo on July 27 and the ensuing 21 days after will be treating me kindly.
Other than the bowel "problem" and some blisters (on my lips now and therefore more torturous as it hurts even when I talk and move my lips), I am quite pleasantly surprised that I am coping rather well without any boosters prior to the 5 th cycle. Not yet anyway. I will find out when I go for another pre-chemo blood test on Tuesday July 3, 2 days before the scheduled 5th chemo.
My childhood friend came by to visit and shared photos of recent holidays in Russia and we went for dinner at Aji Don in P.Damas as Fridays is a day for good Mee Rebus Tulang. I need all the beefy goodness and it was good.
June 30 (Day 17 of cycle 4)
Today is all about my trip to Melaka, courtesy of my friend and her son, to whom I have sold my Acer desktop for Rm10! Since I haven't been to Melaka for a month or so, I shopped for some stuff to bring back, and to take to my Dad when I visit him. Also, the stock for catsupplies are running low according to my brother, so my friend's MPV was stacked with a bumper supply of catfood and cat litter for the ones in the big cage.
As it turned out we had a bit of an adventure as my friend's car had turned cranky over the last week and it's mood did not improve during the journey. It will not reverse when the reverse gear is set nor will it start if the engine is turned off for a while. So it was AAM and phone calls and all kinds of tricks. The funny thing is while waiting for AAM, it decided to move.
We have our hearts in our mouth throughout the journey. Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to get to Melaka without any hitches as we took care not to switch off the engine, even when we stopped enroute for refreshments. It was rather late by the time we got to my house in Melaka and the first thing we did was to call in my regular mechanice there to take a look at the engine. It seems the transmission fluid was drained and while this an be easily topped up in the short term, the mechanice advised my friend to take her car in to her regular garage for a complete check.
It was late by the time we got to the workshop for the mechanic to top up the transmission fluid. We went to P.Balak for dinner by the sea, just to unwind after quite a tensed experience during the day. It was simply lovely to see my babies again and I have to wait until tomorrow to visit my dad to see how he is getting on.
July 1 (Day 18 of cycle 4)
We went to the Pasar Tani in Alor Gajah to get some more supplies. I got some red dragon fruit to take to my dad and some of his favourite kuehs ( kueh tepong talam and seri muka pandan). We decided that it may not be a good idea to stress up my friend's car further and save her for the return trip to KL. We were fortunate that my friend RJ had also made a change of plan that will see her coming home to Melaka to visit her parents and son and she had offered to drive us to visit my dad.
We stopped for lunch at the ever popular Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and really od'ed on the fish - 3 types! I saw so many mouthwatering but spicy typical gulai kampung. There was Asam Pedas Ikan Pari ( a no-no), Asam Pedas Tetel ( another no-no as this is spicy and comprise of tasty unmentionables from the cow - assorted meats and tendons and fatty bits) and of course different kinds of gulai lomak cili api ( a BIG NO-NO) of ketam, ikan sembilang, ayam kampung and pucuk paku. Simple and delicious. As the pain of gastritis was still very fresh in my mind, I managed to will myself to not touch the assorted sambals and cili api and focussed on the Ikan Bakar and ulam-ulam.
My dad was having a nap when we got there. He looked fine but frail and seemed to have a lot on his mind. His face lit up when he saw the kuehs and dragon fruits but was too full as he had just had durians (!!). He is still very keen to start a dragon fruit plot and showed me the article that he read on it and it struck me as a viable project that now perked my interest. The cactus like plant will start bearing fruit after just 8 months, even shorter than a pregnancy! Hmmm, something worthwhile to pursue with a little bit more knowledge on the steps involved.
I decided to show off my current "look" and be real blase about it in front of my dad. I took off my scarf and showed him my head and told him I am okay with this as I know that by the 6th month after chemo, Insya Allah I should have a head of hair growing again. He seemed to handle it well especially when he sees that the "look" wasn't bothering me either. His 89th birthday is approaching soon and he asked if my sister from the UK is coming back this year. We always have a cake for him and pulut kuning with curry for family members, taking care to cook extra as cousins and relatives would also drop by. He will enjoy staying with us for a couple of days then, and this time around it will be a few days before my final chemo.
Something bugged me after the visit. It seems one of the kampung folks had visited him and mentioned that his payments were overdue (which is not correct as he is up to date) and was going to offer to take him to the bank for him to draw his money out. Thank God my dad was quite cautious and alert and told him that he had just paid. I am still wondering how I should handle this - get involved and find out why that had to take place or just keep out of it but strongly advise my dad not to go to the bank to draw his money out unless accompanied by his own children or trustworthy relatives.
We left for KL soon after RJ sent us back to my house. On the way we stopped by her place (she has a lovely house right in the middle of a 3 acre dusun) for durians-loads of it! I have been told durians and cancer don't agree, so I just sampled 3 "ulas" (lumps??) and drank lots of air suam with a pinch of salt to nullify the "heatiness", or so it seems.
The trip back was another tensed ride - we were so scared that the car might stall along the highway, with the cargo of desktop, shopping from the Pasar Tani and some durians that RJ had packed for my friend's son. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise that I have blisters over my lips and tongue or else I will be blissfully slopping over the exotic/authentic durian kampungs. My helper managed to "harvest" some bunga kantan, cili padi, bananas and rambutans to bring to KL. She had actually climbed up the tree to get to the ripened ones as most of the fruits are still green.
I was totally zonked out when we reached KL. There was a steady stream of traffic on the road all the way to KL and at places we were caught in a crawl but thankfully the car held on.
In Melaka, we have been eating out so I was not able to get my diet of kacang botol (cooked) and rebusan tulang but I pray that my blood count will be okay on July 3, that I will not need boosters and that my 5th chemo will go on schedule. I hope my blisters will be sorted out by then as I have been patiently applying the Gengigel gel that is supposed to accelerate healing of tissues in the mouth and gums. Having nausea and loss of appetite will be a real challenge if the blisters do not ease up as it will make feeding my system more difficult. I am also beginning to be concious of twitchings ( sometimes a wee bit stinging) in my surgery area and I hope it is part of the healing process. I will ask my breast surgeon when I see her next if it is normal or something that needs further investigation. Cancer exposes me to different kinds of pain that before I might have taken lightly, not knowing that such sufferings can be a major source of discomfort . But Insya Allah, are part of the temporary tests and dugaan.
June 29 (Day 16 of cycle 4)
My phone cable must have "died" on this day. I spent sometime seeking assistance from the tmnet call center but no one could pinpoint the problem. That was a real bummer as I was planning to surf the net for good deals to Bali to chill out after my last chemo and was going to go with my sis, her daughter and my brother. A friend from Sydney was planning to join us in Bali if the timing is right. As it turned out I spent the whole afternoon at my travel agent nearby and finally got all that sorted out. I am assuming and hoping that I will be fit for travel after my last chemo on July 27 and the ensuing 21 days after will be treating me kindly.
Other than the bowel "problem" and some blisters (on my lips now and therefore more torturous as it hurts even when I talk and move my lips), I am quite pleasantly surprised that I am coping rather well without any boosters prior to the 5 th cycle. Not yet anyway. I will find out when I go for another pre-chemo blood test on Tuesday July 3, 2 days before the scheduled 5th chemo.
My childhood friend came by to visit and shared photos of recent holidays in Russia and we went for dinner at Aji Don in P.Damas as Fridays is a day for good Mee Rebus Tulang. I need all the beefy goodness and it was good.
June 30 (Day 17 of cycle 4)
Today is all about my trip to Melaka, courtesy of my friend and her son, to whom I have sold my Acer desktop for Rm10! Since I haven't been to Melaka for a month or so, I shopped for some stuff to bring back, and to take to my Dad when I visit him. Also, the stock for catsupplies are running low according to my brother, so my friend's MPV was stacked with a bumper supply of catfood and cat litter for the ones in the big cage.
As it turned out we had a bit of an adventure as my friend's car had turned cranky over the last week and it's mood did not improve during the journey. It will not reverse when the reverse gear is set nor will it start if the engine is turned off for a while. So it was AAM and phone calls and all kinds of tricks. The funny thing is while waiting for AAM, it decided to move.
We have our hearts in our mouth throughout the journey. Syukur Alhamdullillah we managed to get to Melaka without any hitches as we took care not to switch off the engine, even when we stopped enroute for refreshments. It was rather late by the time we got to my house in Melaka and the first thing we did was to call in my regular mechanice there to take a look at the engine. It seems the transmission fluid was drained and while this an be easily topped up in the short term, the mechanice advised my friend to take her car in to her regular garage for a complete check.
It was late by the time we got to the workshop for the mechanic to top up the transmission fluid. We went to P.Balak for dinner by the sea, just to unwind after quite a tensed experience during the day. It was simply lovely to see my babies again and I have to wait until tomorrow to visit my dad to see how he is getting on.
July 1 (Day 18 of cycle 4)
We went to the Pasar Tani in Alor Gajah to get some more supplies. I got some red dragon fruit to take to my dad and some of his favourite kuehs ( kueh tepong talam and seri muka pandan). We decided that it may not be a good idea to stress up my friend's car further and save her for the return trip to KL. We were fortunate that my friend RJ had also made a change of plan that will see her coming home to Melaka to visit her parents and son and she had offered to drive us to visit my dad.
We stopped for lunch at the ever popular Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and really od'ed on the fish - 3 types! I saw so many mouthwatering but spicy typical gulai kampung. There was Asam Pedas Ikan Pari ( a no-no), Asam Pedas Tetel ( another no-no as this is spicy and comprise of tasty unmentionables from the cow - assorted meats and tendons and fatty bits) and of course different kinds of gulai lomak cili api ( a BIG NO-NO) of ketam, ikan sembilang, ayam kampung and pucuk paku. Simple and delicious. As the pain of gastritis was still very fresh in my mind, I managed to will myself to not touch the assorted sambals and cili api and focussed on the Ikan Bakar and ulam-ulam.
My dad was having a nap when we got there. He looked fine but frail and seemed to have a lot on his mind. His face lit up when he saw the kuehs and dragon fruits but was too full as he had just had durians (!!). He is still very keen to start a dragon fruit plot and showed me the article that he read on it and it struck me as a viable project that now perked my interest. The cactus like plant will start bearing fruit after just 8 months, even shorter than a pregnancy! Hmmm, something worthwhile to pursue with a little bit more knowledge on the steps involved.
I decided to show off my current "look" and be real blase about it in front of my dad. I took off my scarf and showed him my head and told him I am okay with this as I know that by the 6th month after chemo, Insya Allah I should have a head of hair growing again. He seemed to handle it well especially when he sees that the "look" wasn't bothering me either. His 89th birthday is approaching soon and he asked if my sister from the UK is coming back this year. We always have a cake for him and pulut kuning with curry for family members, taking care to cook extra as cousins and relatives would also drop by. He will enjoy staying with us for a couple of days then, and this time around it will be a few days before my final chemo.
Something bugged me after the visit. It seems one of the kampung folks had visited him and mentioned that his payments were overdue (which is not correct as he is up to date) and was going to offer to take him to the bank for him to draw his money out. Thank God my dad was quite cautious and alert and told him that he had just paid. I am still wondering how I should handle this - get involved and find out why that had to take place or just keep out of it but strongly advise my dad not to go to the bank to draw his money out unless accompanied by his own children or trustworthy relatives.
We left for KL soon after RJ sent us back to my house. On the way we stopped by her place (she has a lovely house right in the middle of a 3 acre dusun) for durians-loads of it! I have been told durians and cancer don't agree, so I just sampled 3 "ulas" (lumps??) and drank lots of air suam with a pinch of salt to nullify the "heatiness", or so it seems.
The trip back was another tensed ride - we were so scared that the car might stall along the highway, with the cargo of desktop, shopping from the Pasar Tani and some durians that RJ had packed for my friend's son. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise that I have blisters over my lips and tongue or else I will be blissfully slopping over the exotic/authentic durian kampungs. My helper managed to "harvest" some bunga kantan, cili padi, bananas and rambutans to bring to KL. She had actually climbed up the tree to get to the ripened ones as most of the fruits are still green.
I was totally zonked out when we reached KL. There was a steady stream of traffic on the road all the way to KL and at places we were caught in a crawl but thankfully the car held on.
In Melaka, we have been eating out so I was not able to get my diet of kacang botol (cooked) and rebusan tulang but I pray that my blood count will be okay on July 3, that I will not need boosters and that my 5th chemo will go on schedule. I hope my blisters will be sorted out by then as I have been patiently applying the Gengigel gel that is supposed to accelerate healing of tissues in the mouth and gums. Having nausea and loss of appetite will be a real challenge if the blisters do not ease up as it will make feeding my system more difficult. I am also beginning to be concious of twitchings ( sometimes a wee bit stinging) in my surgery area and I hope it is part of the healing process. I will ask my breast surgeon when I see her next if it is normal or something that needs further investigation. Cancer exposes me to different kinds of pain that before I might have taken lightly, not knowing that such sufferings can be a major source of discomfort . But Insya Allah, are part of the temporary tests and dugaan.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Day 15 - A Clean Bill Of Health
June 28 (Day 15 of Cycle 4)
I had to get up real early today to be at Wangsa Maju by 8 am. However, my plan was foiled because we had to re-do my breakfast. I usually prefer to prepare my own if I am having breakfast at home, that way everything is really freshly prepared-juice, toasts, perfect soft boiled eggs, fresh fruits. It is only when I feel really unwell and groggy that my helper will prepare them for me. Vik is good but she still needs a lot of training with soft boiled eggs.
To most people soft boiled eggs are simple to prepare. What an illusion. Nigella Lawson, and a few other world class chefs take pains to include how to soft boil an egg in their cookbooks! I somehow managed to grab that skill ( so she says) that I can beat the nearby Kopi Tiam any time. But with Vik-it is either sticky boiled , hard boiled or almost raw. I can take a raw telur ayam kampung any time but a huge town-laid egg is a bit too gooey for me.
So back to this morning, I was late for my 8 am appointment because we had to re-do breakfast. Thank God the person I was going to meet was very understanding. I must look for the egg timer so Vik can use that as a guide. I had a lot of practice preparing 2 soft-boiled eggs every morning for my dad and get complimented almost all the time except when he was in a cranky mood.
When I got back from my appointment, I picked up Vik to bring her to the Medical Center for the doctor to review the results of her medical examination recently. She was given a clean bill of health, so it was a relief. She said I have nothing to worry about, no hepatitis, no chest or lung infection. Her cholestrol needs watching as it is a bit on the hight side for a 26 year old, and she needs to lose 7-8 kgs. She doesn't look fat, just stout but apparently she is 60 kgs and heavier than I am.
I had to gently counsel her on that as she does love to munch and I do have a lot of titbits and snacks around the house which I encourage her to help herself to before they expire their shelf lives. This girl is very jolly and likes to laugh and she kept saying that her weight is due to the birth control shots that her doctor in Java gives her every 3 months. So, I told her, she will not need those shots here for the next 2 years so I expect to see her lose some weight....and she laughs....Maybe when she gets hit by homesickness and missing her kids and husband she will loose some weight?
Anyway, a happy helper is a rajin helper. All my kitchen utensils and pots and pans are polished to shine like new silver! I don't really care if she wants to eat a lot but if it is going to be unhealthy for her then I need to supervise her a bit, just as she is keeping a watching brief on me to make sure I don't touch chillis, sambals and hot curries.
The saga with the bowel movement continues, and I am resorting to magic bullets which provide their own kind of "entertainment" for me in the mornings. Not delicate enough to be elaborated on in a cancer blog. I am pleading to my body now to go easy on me and I hope it is listening. I am looking forward to see my dad and babies this weekend, Insya Allah.
I had to get up real early today to be at Wangsa Maju by 8 am. However, my plan was foiled because we had to re-do my breakfast. I usually prefer to prepare my own if I am having breakfast at home, that way everything is really freshly prepared-juice, toasts, perfect soft boiled eggs, fresh fruits. It is only when I feel really unwell and groggy that my helper will prepare them for me. Vik is good but she still needs a lot of training with soft boiled eggs.
To most people soft boiled eggs are simple to prepare. What an illusion. Nigella Lawson, and a few other world class chefs take pains to include how to soft boil an egg in their cookbooks! I somehow managed to grab that skill ( so she says) that I can beat the nearby Kopi Tiam any time. But with Vik-it is either sticky boiled , hard boiled or almost raw. I can take a raw telur ayam kampung any time but a huge town-laid egg is a bit too gooey for me.
So back to this morning, I was late for my 8 am appointment because we had to re-do breakfast. Thank God the person I was going to meet was very understanding. I must look for the egg timer so Vik can use that as a guide. I had a lot of practice preparing 2 soft-boiled eggs every morning for my dad and get complimented almost all the time except when he was in a cranky mood.
When I got back from my appointment, I picked up Vik to bring her to the Medical Center for the doctor to review the results of her medical examination recently. She was given a clean bill of health, so it was a relief. She said I have nothing to worry about, no hepatitis, no chest or lung infection. Her cholestrol needs watching as it is a bit on the hight side for a 26 year old, and she needs to lose 7-8 kgs. She doesn't look fat, just stout but apparently she is 60 kgs and heavier than I am.
I had to gently counsel her on that as she does love to munch and I do have a lot of titbits and snacks around the house which I encourage her to help herself to before they expire their shelf lives. This girl is very jolly and likes to laugh and she kept saying that her weight is due to the birth control shots that her doctor in Java gives her every 3 months. So, I told her, she will not need those shots here for the next 2 years so I expect to see her lose some weight....and she laughs....Maybe when she gets hit by homesickness and missing her kids and husband she will loose some weight?
Anyway, a happy helper is a rajin helper. All my kitchen utensils and pots and pans are polished to shine like new silver! I don't really care if she wants to eat a lot but if it is going to be unhealthy for her then I need to supervise her a bit, just as she is keeping a watching brief on me to make sure I don't touch chillis, sambals and hot curries.
The saga with the bowel movement continues, and I am resorting to magic bullets which provide their own kind of "entertainment" for me in the mornings. Not delicate enough to be elaborated on in a cancer blog. I am pleading to my body now to go easy on me and I hope it is listening. I am looking forward to see my dad and babies this weekend, Insya Allah.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Day 14 - All over town
Jun 27 (Day 14 of Cycle 4)
My nose is running again and my head feels heavy on one side. I did not feel fit enough to go walking this morning and decided not to push my luck and instead stayed in all morning.
I realise that Azean Irdawaty of the Datin Diaries series on local tv is going to have her mastectomy done today. I pray for her and for anyone else undergoing similar surgeries and hope everything from here on will run smoothly for them. I would visit her if she is in KLH but it seems she has checked into the hospital in Putrajaya.
After saving up my energy in the morning, I spent all afternoon going to Rawang with a couple of buddies to check out on a couple of things. It was just as well I wasn't driving as I started sneezing all over again and my nose was running and my eyes teary. I must have used up almost a whole box of Kleenex. It's more like an allergy rather than flu.
I had asked Vik to defrost a pack of minced beef and brown them with garlic and chopped onions while I was gone. When I got back we got a nice ragu sauce going for a simple pasta dinner. I taught her how to make a mixed fruit and vegetable salad using carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, green apples, raisins, cashews and almonds with a storebought honey musteard salad dressing. She is becoming quite good and cooked the spaghetti just nice, al dente. I hope the beefy sauce will help with my blood count.
Tomorrow I will need an early start as I have to be in Wangsa Maju by 8 am on some personal errands. So I will need to retire early. Which is just as well as all the sneezing is really squeezing the wind out of my sails. I hope I will be back in time to get to the Medical Center to review Vik's medical report that will be ready by 12 noon tomorrow. I hope everything is fine and that the reports will reconfirm the medical clearance given by Fomema earlier.
My chemo arm is still sore and the daily massage with Minyak Gamat and Minyak Pala continues....I pray and hope that it will be ready and receptive for the next chemo cycle next week. My nails have not gone all blue, just partially, loking as though I have stained them with blue ink. In fact some of them look as though I have just caught my fingers in a door which have just been banged shut. They look kind of "dirty" looking. I have some henna in a tube that I could apply I suppose to make my nails look more appealing.
What I am so thankful for is that except on a few rare occasions due to gastritis, I have been able to enjoy a good night's sleep on most nights, and that I am aware, is very important for recovery. Insya Allah I hope this will continue. I am quite used to all the discomfort from the various chemo side-effects and so far the ones that really nagged at my sense of wellbeing are the thrombo veins in my chemo arm and my sore bottom. I hope these will improve over time, and not indicative of anything more serious. Nauzubillah.
My nose is running again and my head feels heavy on one side. I did not feel fit enough to go walking this morning and decided not to push my luck and instead stayed in all morning.
I realise that Azean Irdawaty of the Datin Diaries series on local tv is going to have her mastectomy done today. I pray for her and for anyone else undergoing similar surgeries and hope everything from here on will run smoothly for them. I would visit her if she is in KLH but it seems she has checked into the hospital in Putrajaya.
After saving up my energy in the morning, I spent all afternoon going to Rawang with a couple of buddies to check out on a couple of things. It was just as well I wasn't driving as I started sneezing all over again and my nose was running and my eyes teary. I must have used up almost a whole box of Kleenex. It's more like an allergy rather than flu.
I had asked Vik to defrost a pack of minced beef and brown them with garlic and chopped onions while I was gone. When I got back we got a nice ragu sauce going for a simple pasta dinner. I taught her how to make a mixed fruit and vegetable salad using carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, green apples, raisins, cashews and almonds with a storebought honey musteard salad dressing. She is becoming quite good and cooked the spaghetti just nice, al dente. I hope the beefy sauce will help with my blood count.
Tomorrow I will need an early start as I have to be in Wangsa Maju by 8 am on some personal errands. So I will need to retire early. Which is just as well as all the sneezing is really squeezing the wind out of my sails. I hope I will be back in time to get to the Medical Center to review Vik's medical report that will be ready by 12 noon tomorrow. I hope everything is fine and that the reports will reconfirm the medical clearance given by Fomema earlier.
My chemo arm is still sore and the daily massage with Minyak Gamat and Minyak Pala continues....I pray and hope that it will be ready and receptive for the next chemo cycle next week. My nails have not gone all blue, just partially, loking as though I have stained them with blue ink. In fact some of them look as though I have just caught my fingers in a door which have just been banged shut. They look kind of "dirty" looking. I have some henna in a tube that I could apply I suppose to make my nails look more appealing.
What I am so thankful for is that except on a few rare occasions due to gastritis, I have been able to enjoy a good night's sleep on most nights, and that I am aware, is very important for recovery. Insya Allah I hope this will continue. I am quite used to all the discomfort from the various chemo side-effects and so far the ones that really nagged at my sense of wellbeing are the thrombo veins in my chemo arm and my sore bottom. I hope these will improve over time, and not indicative of anything more serious. Nauzubillah.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Day 13 - Documents, Documents, Documents
June 26 (Day 13 of Cycle 4)
Well, today is Day 14 as Day 9 was on June 22 when I had my interim blood count. I took Vik to the Bank nearby (we walked) to open a joint-account so that she can bank in her first pay. The staff at the bank were so helpful, we just sat and read up their brochures while they did everything for us. All they needed was my MyKad and Vik's passport. It was quick and soon she has her own passbook which I told her I would keep for safe custody.
My friend UZUN and her poisoned son joined me for lunch at home. Lunch was kerabu kacang botol, sup tulang with carrots, fried tempe and sambal udang(wooops! I just sampled some for taste, it is more for the guest). My friend's son had food poisoning and was really contorted in pain ( also I think he needed attention from his Mum). He had been to the doctor's who gave him some tablets earlier in the morning and as there was no improvement, I suggested they go again for a second opinion. It was only recently that one of my nephews had severe tummy pains, my sis-in-law thought it was just that and gave him painkillers and a few hours later he was warded for appendicitis and had to undergo surgery.
UZUN happens to also be my Insurance Agent, so we took some time(while her son went to the doctor's again) to sort out my Insurance matters. I have papers all over my living room furniture trying to sort out what have been processed and what were outstanding. Being ill is one thing and having insurance is another. And even with insurance, if one is not organised enough, it will be so easy to lose track of what has been processed and not.
So far I have been very organised and systematic and my filing system for all the receipts and payments are up to date. I also maintain a running total of what I have incurred to date, what has been paid for by Insurance and what was for my own account (the co-payment). I have a bunch of payments unprocessed as I prefer to accumulate up to what the time constraint per policy terms can allow. I realise that one claim submitted has yet to be processed by the company and will require follow up. I felt annoyed that they did not acknowledge receipt of my submission, more than a month ago and will be exactly 2 months by July 7. I hope the package wasn't lost in transition even though it was hand delivered via my agent.
My appetite is back and so is my energy level. My digestive system seems fine but bowel movements still causing early morning woes. I hope this is not indicative of anything more serious. I am no longer constipated but bowel movements are painful and toe-curling. I experienced a throbbing headache on one side of my head and did not take anything for it as I was advised that I take paracetemol only upon doctor's advice and presription and not at my whim and fancy. Maybe it was due to the catching-up reading I had been doing as the prints on the books were really tiny, even with my reading glasses on.
Oh well, at least I am no longer nauseous and the bloaty feeling had truly gone. I continue with gentle massage on my chemo arm as I feel as though I am helping my body prepare for the next chemo cycle.
Kakak came last night and I had asked her about the black stuff that Vik found in my luggage closet at the top of the built in wardrobes in my bedroom. We agreed that it was a puzzle how the stuff ( which looks like black flakes of something, no smell, with a gritty feel) got up there as I had the top shelves cleaned up late last year before all the luggage bags were stored up there. She said "Kalau orang kampung jumpa macam ini boleh risau, dek. Tapi tak tahu lah orang KL....jangan buang dulu, nanti Kakak nak tanya orang".
The plot thickens. I had asked Vik (who discovered it when cleaning the louvres-like wardrobe doors) to collect the black dust and put it in a plastic container. I have absolutely no clue what it is and howit got up there. If I allow my imagination to really run wild, I could imagine that it might be dried cat poo? But my cats will not poo on any surface as they are used to using the litter tray. Even if I had been late with the litter tray they might, if desperate, choose to let go on my fluffy bathroom mat, never on a floor.
Besides, if it is cat poo, how on earth would either Ashley, Putri or Troy jumped 10 feet high, keep themselves suspended in mid-air to open the closet door (even I have to expend a lot of energy to pull the door open towards me and use a ladder) and then poo, jump out and push the door close? Troy can't even jump up onto the piano with one attempt what more a top closet 10 ft high? With my sharper than sharp sense of smell, I would have detected it ages ago if it had been possible that it was them. But my 6th sense tells me it is not cat poo as cat poo will not turn black, and how the h...would it get up there anyway? My cats are very special ( they really can understand me) but they don't have wings to fly!
It doesn't bother me as much as it is now bothering Kakak. But I certainly am quite curious to get to the bottom of this.
Well, today is Day 14 as Day 9 was on June 22 when I had my interim blood count. I took Vik to the Bank nearby (we walked) to open a joint-account so that she can bank in her first pay. The staff at the bank were so helpful, we just sat and read up their brochures while they did everything for us. All they needed was my MyKad and Vik's passport. It was quick and soon she has her own passbook which I told her I would keep for safe custody.
My friend UZUN and her poisoned son joined me for lunch at home. Lunch was kerabu kacang botol, sup tulang with carrots, fried tempe and sambal udang(wooops! I just sampled some for taste, it is more for the guest). My friend's son had food poisoning and was really contorted in pain ( also I think he needed attention from his Mum). He had been to the doctor's who gave him some tablets earlier in the morning and as there was no improvement, I suggested they go again for a second opinion. It was only recently that one of my nephews had severe tummy pains, my sis-in-law thought it was just that and gave him painkillers and a few hours later he was warded for appendicitis and had to undergo surgery.
UZUN happens to also be my Insurance Agent, so we took some time(while her son went to the doctor's again) to sort out my Insurance matters. I have papers all over my living room furniture trying to sort out what have been processed and what were outstanding. Being ill is one thing and having insurance is another. And even with insurance, if one is not organised enough, it will be so easy to lose track of what has been processed and not.
So far I have been very organised and systematic and my filing system for all the receipts and payments are up to date. I also maintain a running total of what I have incurred to date, what has been paid for by Insurance and what was for my own account (the co-payment). I have a bunch of payments unprocessed as I prefer to accumulate up to what the time constraint per policy terms can allow. I realise that one claim submitted has yet to be processed by the company and will require follow up. I felt annoyed that they did not acknowledge receipt of my submission, more than a month ago and will be exactly 2 months by July 7. I hope the package wasn't lost in transition even though it was hand delivered via my agent.
My appetite is back and so is my energy level. My digestive system seems fine but bowel movements still causing early morning woes. I hope this is not indicative of anything more serious. I am no longer constipated but bowel movements are painful and toe-curling. I experienced a throbbing headache on one side of my head and did not take anything for it as I was advised that I take paracetemol only upon doctor's advice and presription and not at my whim and fancy. Maybe it was due to the catching-up reading I had been doing as the prints on the books were really tiny, even with my reading glasses on.
Oh well, at least I am no longer nauseous and the bloaty feeling had truly gone. I continue with gentle massage on my chemo arm as I feel as though I am helping my body prepare for the next chemo cycle.
Kakak came last night and I had asked her about the black stuff that Vik found in my luggage closet at the top of the built in wardrobes in my bedroom. We agreed that it was a puzzle how the stuff ( which looks like black flakes of something, no smell, with a gritty feel) got up there as I had the top shelves cleaned up late last year before all the luggage bags were stored up there. She said "Kalau orang kampung jumpa macam ini boleh risau, dek. Tapi tak tahu lah orang KL....jangan buang dulu, nanti Kakak nak tanya orang".
The plot thickens. I had asked Vik (who discovered it when cleaning the louvres-like wardrobe doors) to collect the black dust and put it in a plastic container. I have absolutely no clue what it is and howit got up there. If I allow my imagination to really run wild, I could imagine that it might be dried cat poo? But my cats will not poo on any surface as they are used to using the litter tray. Even if I had been late with the litter tray they might, if desperate, choose to let go on my fluffy bathroom mat, never on a floor.
Besides, if it is cat poo, how on earth would either Ashley, Putri or Troy jumped 10 feet high, keep themselves suspended in mid-air to open the closet door (even I have to expend a lot of energy to pull the door open towards me and use a ladder) and then poo, jump out and push the door close? Troy can't even jump up onto the piano with one attempt what more a top closet 10 ft high? With my sharper than sharp sense of smell, I would have detected it ages ago if it had been possible that it was them. But my 6th sense tells me it is not cat poo as cat poo will not turn black, and how the h...would it get up there anyway? My cats are very special ( they really can understand me) but they don't have wings to fly!
It doesn't bother me as much as it is now bothering Kakak. But I certainly am quite curious to get to the bottom of this.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Day 12 - back on the move...
June 25 (Day 12 of Cycle 4)
I am back on my feet again. This morning I did double rounds of the established walking circuit around my area and was puffing away like a dragon (?) by the time I reached my front gate. But I felt good. Soon, I should be able to build up my stamina again and join that joyful group on their Bukit Kiara rounds. I used to be able to do a few rounds of that just not too long ago but coping with chemo somewhat affected my physical and on certain days even my mental strength.
As I am not being supported by boosters to recharge my system and blood for the next chemo on July 5, I have to make doubly sure that I get enough physical exercise, follow a proper diet that will support that mission and enjoy a proper rest and try to avoid negative stress or any triggers to negative stress. Living in KL, a city with bloodcurdling traffic jams and cafes and restaurants with every possible eats under the sun, it requires a lot of restraint. So I make it a point that even if I am out on the move, I will try to eat least one proper meal at home and while on the move, to eat only cooked dishes with adequate vegetables and proteins. And continue with plenty of fresh fruits and nutty nibbles. I am quite excited and hopeful to see a good outcome sans booster. Insya Allah.
A typical good and proper diet for me this time would be something like this:
Upon waking up, a glass of pure water (Zam Zam if in supply ), and a spoonful of Manuka honey - before washing my mouth. After solat, a brisk morning walk around the entire housing area, and back to a freshly prepared breakfast of 2 soft boiled eggs with 1 or 2 pieces of wholemeal toasts. Fresh fruit of choice would follow with a mug of Horlicks. Centrum multivite and fish oil tablet would follow.
Lunch would be usually a scoop of rice with a meat (beef, liver, fish or chicken) dish and a vegetable dish(bayam, kacang botol, pucuk paku(midin), brocolli, carrot, sawi, choy sum, water cress, pumpkin, cauliflower, peria). Followed by fresh fruit of choice and I would drink home-made beef stock from beef bones stewed with chinese red dates.
Tea - time of weakness actually. I could pick up some kuehs from wherever I was coming from and this could range from bubur kacang to currypuffs. My guilt would be washed over with green tea and more fresh fruits and nuts.
Dinner would be similar to lunch in terms of the food types but we will make an effort to freshly prepare dinner dishes instead of cooking extra helpings at lunch time. I might as well test out my new helper's culinary skills and have freshly prepared food and not reheated lunch left overs.
Do I crave for sambals, curries and laksa? YEEESSS! But common sense prevails and it is just for another month or so that I need to restraint my taste buds. They have really gone haywire and melons which are sweet to others are sour or bitter to me.
I am also taking advantage of these good moments pre-next chemo to catch up on the things that I would be doing otherwise. I had enrolled and signed up on a couple of personal projects to enhance my skills and knowlege in activities that are near and dear to my heart. All shelved but I must try to catch up slowly so that by the time chemo is history, Insya Allah, I can slip back into a productive routine. Human nature is such that we get used to things so easily that sometimes getting out of a set pattern is rather difficult.
The bloaty feeling has somewhat lessened but the thrombo arm is still bugging me. I am now wondering if the lab will be able to draw blood painlessly on July 3, ( to determine if booster is required for July 5 chemo) and again on July 5 (which is the routine blood test done on the same morning as the chemo). It is a lovely coincidence that 5th chemo is on July 5. And again very coincidental that if I were somehow to get admitted on July 5 in case the 5th cycle is difficult, then I will be spending my birthday the next morning, waking up to breakfast in hospital...!?!
I spent most of the day going around town to keep up on promises made and to check out on a couple of things at my own leisure. I am so thankful yet again that those down moments last week had bit vanished and I am feeling so much better. My sister and niece will be spending their summer vacation in KL while nephew and Dad will be doing some man stuff in Europe. I am thinking that by the time I am done with my last chemo on July 27, I might want to go somewhere nice with them and Ijan my brother just to chill out and recharge before facing 25 daily doses of radiation. We are looking at places in Asia that we could explore and discover.
This coming weekend, Insya Allah , if the plan works out, I will be in Melaka to see my dad and babies. I am giving away my antique Acer desktop (1995 model which used to cost RM7999, okay 8 thousand) to my friend's young son and the condition is his mother will drive me to Melaka to collect it personally!! It is still in good working order though very bulky and imposing, and all they need to do is upgrade the memory in the hardisk. I look forward to show my dad that I have coped so far and he need not worry about me. It will be nice to go to that Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and fish around for freshly hauled fish at Pantai Kundur to bring to KL to stock up my freezer.
My nephew and nieces from Shah Alam will be coming for dinner one of these evenings with their family. When they see me next I would be back to my normal self and not the limp lettuce that was on the phone with them last week telling them that she was to tired and weak to receive visitors.
I am back on my feet again. This morning I did double rounds of the established walking circuit around my area and was puffing away like a dragon (?) by the time I reached my front gate. But I felt good. Soon, I should be able to build up my stamina again and join that joyful group on their Bukit Kiara rounds. I used to be able to do a few rounds of that just not too long ago but coping with chemo somewhat affected my physical and on certain days even my mental strength.
As I am not being supported by boosters to recharge my system and blood for the next chemo on July 5, I have to make doubly sure that I get enough physical exercise, follow a proper diet that will support that mission and enjoy a proper rest and try to avoid negative stress or any triggers to negative stress. Living in KL, a city with bloodcurdling traffic jams and cafes and restaurants with every possible eats under the sun, it requires a lot of restraint. So I make it a point that even if I am out on the move, I will try to eat least one proper meal at home and while on the move, to eat only cooked dishes with adequate vegetables and proteins. And continue with plenty of fresh fruits and nutty nibbles. I am quite excited and hopeful to see a good outcome sans booster. Insya Allah.
A typical good and proper diet for me this time would be something like this:
Upon waking up, a glass of pure water (Zam Zam if in supply ), and a spoonful of Manuka honey - before washing my mouth. After solat, a brisk morning walk around the entire housing area, and back to a freshly prepared breakfast of 2 soft boiled eggs with 1 or 2 pieces of wholemeal toasts. Fresh fruit of choice would follow with a mug of Horlicks. Centrum multivite and fish oil tablet would follow.
Lunch would be usually a scoop of rice with a meat (beef, liver, fish or chicken) dish and a vegetable dish(bayam, kacang botol, pucuk paku(midin), brocolli, carrot, sawi, choy sum, water cress, pumpkin, cauliflower, peria). Followed by fresh fruit of choice and I would drink home-made beef stock from beef bones stewed with chinese red dates.
Tea - time of weakness actually. I could pick up some kuehs from wherever I was coming from and this could range from bubur kacang to currypuffs. My guilt would be washed over with green tea and more fresh fruits and nuts.
Dinner would be similar to lunch in terms of the food types but we will make an effort to freshly prepare dinner dishes instead of cooking extra helpings at lunch time. I might as well test out my new helper's culinary skills and have freshly prepared food and not reheated lunch left overs.
Do I crave for sambals, curries and laksa? YEEESSS! But common sense prevails and it is just for another month or so that I need to restraint my taste buds. They have really gone haywire and melons which are sweet to others are sour or bitter to me.
I am also taking advantage of these good moments pre-next chemo to catch up on the things that I would be doing otherwise. I had enrolled and signed up on a couple of personal projects to enhance my skills and knowlege in activities that are near and dear to my heart. All shelved but I must try to catch up slowly so that by the time chemo is history, Insya Allah, I can slip back into a productive routine. Human nature is such that we get used to things so easily that sometimes getting out of a set pattern is rather difficult.
The bloaty feeling has somewhat lessened but the thrombo arm is still bugging me. I am now wondering if the lab will be able to draw blood painlessly on July 3, ( to determine if booster is required for July 5 chemo) and again on July 5 (which is the routine blood test done on the same morning as the chemo). It is a lovely coincidence that 5th chemo is on July 5. And again very coincidental that if I were somehow to get admitted on July 5 in case the 5th cycle is difficult, then I will be spending my birthday the next morning, waking up to breakfast in hospital...!?!
I spent most of the day going around town to keep up on promises made and to check out on a couple of things at my own leisure. I am so thankful yet again that those down moments last week had bit vanished and I am feeling so much better. My sister and niece will be spending their summer vacation in KL while nephew and Dad will be doing some man stuff in Europe. I am thinking that by the time I am done with my last chemo on July 27, I might want to go somewhere nice with them and Ijan my brother just to chill out and recharge before facing 25 daily doses of radiation. We are looking at places in Asia that we could explore and discover.
This coming weekend, Insya Allah , if the plan works out, I will be in Melaka to see my dad and babies. I am giving away my antique Acer desktop (1995 model which used to cost RM7999, okay 8 thousand) to my friend's young son and the condition is his mother will drive me to Melaka to collect it personally!! It is still in good working order though very bulky and imposing, and all they need to do is upgrade the memory in the hardisk. I look forward to show my dad that I have coped so far and he need not worry about me. It will be nice to go to that Ikan Bakar place at Cheng Heights and fish around for freshly hauled fish at Pantai Kundur to bring to KL to stock up my freezer.
My nephew and nieces from Shah Alam will be coming for dinner one of these evenings with their family. When they see me next I would be back to my normal self and not the limp lettuce that was on the phone with them last week telling them that she was to tired and weak to receive visitors.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Day 11 - House-bound activities
June 24 (day 11 of Cycle 4)
1.Panforte De Sienna - Exp 12/2000 (Bought in Sienna Italy in Aug 2000)
2.Turkish Delight Lokum with Double Pistachio -Exp 2000 (Bought in Istanbul 1999)
3.Tapenade of Green Olives, Lemon, Garlic - Exp June 2000 ( Bought en-route Italy/France/England 2000)
4.Abba Laxpastej Salmon spread -Exp Jan 2007 (Bought Ikea KL s'time in 2006)
5.Harissa Le Phare Du Cap Bon- Exp Nov 1999 (Bought at a Moroccon Restaurant in Paris while consumed with ambition to try out at home the exotic lamb cous-cous Morocco is famous for)
6.Several vacuum packed metal containers of Emborg cheeses-Brie/Camembert/Rocquefort - Exp ranging from 2003 to early 2007 bought during supermarket trips in various supermarkets in KL)
7.Wasabi - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Tokyo in 1999 when after a few days of hotel and Japanese food, I needed something spicy to lace my snacks in the hotel room)
8.Garlic Paste - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Italy during EuroCamp camping trip with sister's family in 2000).
9.Tomato Paste -Tube - ditto-
10. Lots of bars of chocolates, candies, fudges, all expired in 2000-2006.
11. Lots of herbal and food supplements ( thankfully with more shelf life butI had to stop taking them so as not to clash with my chemo regimen for now)
12.
All the above are still unopened and look brand new and inviting still as they were lodged somewhere deep in the recesses of my refrigerator and my brain. The whole lot filled a nice little basket and could be dressed up into a nice hamper....to be given to someone contemplating suicide or sudden death?
I came back from my morning walk with the Sunday papers and found Vik my helper laughing helplessly. I had told her to empty the fridge of all its contents so that I could go through and sort out what needs to go as the fridge was beginning to be cluttered. My instruction was anything raw (fruits or vegetables ) that do not look fresh, just chuck them in the bin and for packed items, toss out anything that has expiry dates before June 2007.
She found it really amusing that I have so many interesting items in the fridge "tapi semua tarikh mati, Buk!". The older the item, the funnier it was to her and she would scream " Buk, tanggal 1999 pun ada, Buk....!". Anyway, I now have a bagful of absolutely normal looking souvenier food items from trips abroad that would have been absolutely scrumptious had I the time to enjoy them ( I would have bought more than 1 and given away a few to friends and family upon return from the trips and the ones in the fridge are my own allocation). I will decide it I give them to Alam Flora or have a "Try If You Dare" party at home one of these days.
My friend H came by for breakfast. We had been planning to meet up for a while and when she heard that I was craving for Beef Serunding and Kelantanese Keropok, she came by to bring some. In return, I treated H to a Kopitiam breakfast at P.Damas, 2 eggs perfectly half-boiled and roti kahwin with a cup of steaming Hainan coffee.
I spent the afternoon catching up on my reading and browsing through the Sunday papers. Another old school friend came by to visit and it was another round of catching up on what's been happening and juicing up on the latest gossips and happenings in town. Hubby just bought her a birthday gift and she was testing it out on her own...a tow toned red/black Mini Clubman that looked really neat as she is rather petite. She had lost her sis-in-law to BC and shared her story on that. It was quite sad as that was about 6 months after she had a baby and even though the doctor estimated that she had 2 years before succumbing to the disease, it had metastasized and she did not respond well to her treatment.
Vik, my helper prepared some tempe-based snacks which was quite delicious and the snacks kept us fueled for rather interesting debates and discussions too sensitive to be captured in a cancer-related Blog. Except for prayer breaks, we really yakked our lives away as though there is no tomorrow, and
Vik kept topping up the table with different snacks as though to keep us going. It was after Maghrib when we dispersed and I decided that I should not go to the weekly Pasar Malam in Bangsar. The fridge inventory this morning indicated that I have enough stock to last for at least another week of cooking. Besides, I really should avoid going out too much when my body is without boosters at its lowest wbc period.
I stayed in to plan for the week and hope to go to the NCSM building tomorrow to catch up with Adeline Joseph and meet up with whoever might be in the support center tomorrow. I also want to find out if anyone has any plans to provide some support to actress Azean Irdawaty, who had recently been diagnosed as a Stage 3 BC and due for mastectomy at KLH this coming Wednesday. It doesn't sound like she has insurance and her mention in the Sunday papers that as an actress she has not been provided with Socso and EPF options, so I hope the financial situation will not cause her additional stress. I can imagine her anxiety and how worried her children must be. As a fellow BC patient, I pray for her that the operation will be smooth and that her recovery speedy so she can proceed with her chemo. If by any chance I meet her and find out that she is not using a chemo port, I will certainly share with her my personal experience of Thrombophlebitis.
1.Panforte De Sienna - Exp 12/2000 (Bought in Sienna Italy in Aug 2000)
2.Turkish Delight Lokum with Double Pistachio -Exp 2000 (Bought in Istanbul 1999)
3.Tapenade of Green Olives, Lemon, Garlic - Exp June 2000 ( Bought en-route Italy/France/England 2000)
4.Abba Laxpastej Salmon spread -Exp Jan 2007 (Bought Ikea KL s'time in 2006)
5.Harissa Le Phare Du Cap Bon- Exp Nov 1999 (Bought at a Moroccon Restaurant in Paris while consumed with ambition to try out at home the exotic lamb cous-cous Morocco is famous for)
6.Several vacuum packed metal containers of Emborg cheeses-Brie/Camembert/Rocquefort - Exp ranging from 2003 to early 2007 bought during supermarket trips in various supermarkets in KL)
7.Wasabi - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Tokyo in 1999 when after a few days of hotel and Japanese food, I needed something spicy to lace my snacks in the hotel room)
8.Garlic Paste - Tube - Exp 2001 ( bought in Italy during EuroCamp camping trip with sister's family in 2000).
9.Tomato Paste -Tube - ditto-
10. Lots of bars of chocolates, candies, fudges, all expired in 2000-2006.
11. Lots of herbal and food supplements ( thankfully with more shelf life butI had to stop taking them so as not to clash with my chemo regimen for now)
12.
All the above are still unopened and look brand new and inviting still as they were lodged somewhere deep in the recesses of my refrigerator and my brain. The whole lot filled a nice little basket and could be dressed up into a nice hamper....to be given to someone contemplating suicide or sudden death?
I came back from my morning walk with the Sunday papers and found Vik my helper laughing helplessly. I had told her to empty the fridge of all its contents so that I could go through and sort out what needs to go as the fridge was beginning to be cluttered. My instruction was anything raw (fruits or vegetables ) that do not look fresh, just chuck them in the bin and for packed items, toss out anything that has expiry dates before June 2007.
She found it really amusing that I have so many interesting items in the fridge "tapi semua tarikh mati, Buk!". The older the item, the funnier it was to her and she would scream " Buk, tanggal 1999 pun ada, Buk....!". Anyway, I now have a bagful of absolutely normal looking souvenier food items from trips abroad that would have been absolutely scrumptious had I the time to enjoy them ( I would have bought more than 1 and given away a few to friends and family upon return from the trips and the ones in the fridge are my own allocation). I will decide it I give them to Alam Flora or have a "Try If You Dare" party at home one of these days.
My friend H came by for breakfast. We had been planning to meet up for a while and when she heard that I was craving for Beef Serunding and Kelantanese Keropok, she came by to bring some. In return, I treated H to a Kopitiam breakfast at P.Damas, 2 eggs perfectly half-boiled and roti kahwin with a cup of steaming Hainan coffee.
I spent the afternoon catching up on my reading and browsing through the Sunday papers. Another old school friend came by to visit and it was another round of catching up on what's been happening and juicing up on the latest gossips and happenings in town. Hubby just bought her a birthday gift and she was testing it out on her own...a tow toned red/black Mini Clubman that looked really neat as she is rather petite. She had lost her sis-in-law to BC and shared her story on that. It was quite sad as that was about 6 months after she had a baby and even though the doctor estimated that she had 2 years before succumbing to the disease, it had metastasized and she did not respond well to her treatment.
Vik, my helper prepared some tempe-based snacks which was quite delicious and the snacks kept us fueled for rather interesting debates and discussions too sensitive to be captured in a cancer-related Blog. Except for prayer breaks, we really yakked our lives away as though there is no tomorrow, and
Vik kept topping up the table with different snacks as though to keep us going. It was after Maghrib when we dispersed and I decided that I should not go to the weekly Pasar Malam in Bangsar. The fridge inventory this morning indicated that I have enough stock to last for at least another week of cooking. Besides, I really should avoid going out too much when my body is without boosters at its lowest wbc period.
I stayed in to plan for the week and hope to go to the NCSM building tomorrow to catch up with Adeline Joseph and meet up with whoever might be in the support center tomorrow. I also want to find out if anyone has any plans to provide some support to actress Azean Irdawaty, who had recently been diagnosed as a Stage 3 BC and due for mastectomy at KLH this coming Wednesday. It doesn't sound like she has insurance and her mention in the Sunday papers that as an actress she has not been provided with Socso and EPF options, so I hope the financial situation will not cause her additional stress. I can imagine her anxiety and how worried her children must be. As a fellow BC patient, I pray for her that the operation will be smooth and that her recovery speedy so she can proceed with her chemo. If by any chance I meet her and find out that she is not using a chemo port, I will certainly share with her my personal experience of Thrombophlebitis.
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