What's next, Mama Mi?

My boy Troy says: "Whatever you decide and wherever you are going, please take me along, Mama Mi... Don't leave me behind....nobody will adopt a limping cat....and I promise to eat up my greens....broccoli, sprouts, kale, sawi...whatever.......just take me along....pleeeeazzzzzzz"
(and packs himself into my travelling case and refuses to budge)

April 30 (day 20 post-first chemo)

Tomorrow is day 21 post-my 1st chemo cycle and I will be due for the 2nd round on May 2. But due to it being a public holiday, I will be going for the works (pre-chemo blood test, pre-chemo anti-nausea/anti-vomitting medication, then the chemo proper with the 3 WMDs)only on May 3. 3 days from now. Am I feeling anxious? Yes, a little.

Although the side-effects from the 1st round of chemo have been manageable, I gathered that for different people the side-effects for the next cycle may be less or may be more severe than the earlier treatment. It could be due to the cumulative effects of the drugs on the system, or it could also be that normal cell repair after the onslaught of drugs was lagging behind while the drugs continue to hunt down the suspicious cells and zapping the good 'uns as well. What will it be like for me the next time around, I can only pray for the best. And be thankful that up to now, the mouth sores have not shown up yet.

And I hope the mouth sores will never show up. One of the friends I made at a medical center I visited shared her tip of gargling with salt water last thing at night . I have been practicing this faithfully and intend to keep on doing it. Mouth sores will be a challenge to eating well as chewing and swallowing will be a problem because of the pain. And not eating will be bad news as this is the time when I can really give myself permission to eat and eat and eat, all the good stuff of course, so as to promote nutritional healing.

We took some more snapshots of my receding hair. Still a few stubborn strands left, not completely gone but by the time I have a shower tomorrow I should have them all off and I have a wider forehead! I need to check if I need to put any moisturiser or sunblock on my almost bare scalp as it will be sensitive to the sun if I do not put any headgear on. I had to abort my plan of attending a wedding lunch yesterday as the reception was held at the poolside of my friend's condo. As it was a very hot day and I was feeling very tired and wilting even while indoors, I called her up to say I couldn't make it. She was hosting a nephew's wedding. She understood.

My sister texted me to say that her periods are playing havoc. She's 5 years younger than I am, and if this means she might be experiencing the onset of an early menopause, well, good for her. Less estrogen exposure will hopefully cut down her risk of BC. Early menopause is good news. If possible, I hope none of my close family members will inherit this disease from me. Or anyone else for that matter.

I am already planning what to do after the final chemo treat before strating Radiotherapy. A trip somewhere to recharge and reclaim my "normal" pre-chemo self would be nice. Something for me to look forward to so that each cycle completed means I am closer to that target. I realise life will not be the same. I will not be the same. The people around me will not be the same. Relationships may not be the same. That is the power of this disease that it overhauls everything that a person has before. Even after it has been tamed. It would be a mistake to assume that the end of chemo "treats" is the end of treatment. The balance of my life from now on should be treated as a lifeling course of treatment and I must never ever forget that. It is so easy to assume that once the medical appointments are completed, things will get to "normal". It won't. And it should not. It should be better, different.

Who knows what I am like 6 months from now. I had changed overnight from someone with plans of travelling the world to fulfil my wanderlust(so drama one....! Actually only Asean countries first to check out homely homestays...) to someone grounded on the spot but travelling inward into self, a series of personal journeys of self reflection. And making discoveries that opened my eyes, mind and heart to what was, what should be and what should not be. All my call. All up to me to really ponder and apply. It will be my choice to resume what was and say "que sera, sera"or to move on, leave old habits and behaviours, or face each day a new person and shout "carpe diem!".

It was a coincidence that the organisation I used to work for called me the very week I was about to receive the early diagnosis. They contacted me to find out if I was interested to take up an annual contract, if I was available, to work with them on a recruitment project. I guess the decision was made on my behalf when the mammogram results were out on the day I was supposed to meet with them, when I received the interpretion of possible malignancy and that I should schedule a date for surgery soonest. So that the malignancy hopefully would still be in a pre-cancerous stage. But it was too late.

Looking back, I am now wondering if this is God's way of telling me not to go anywhere yet. A renewed and stronger conscience is making it's presence and voice heard. It says, Jangan merajuk(cracked my balding head to get just the right word in English for merajuk but nothing came up), you still belong to Masjid Tanah. Don't abandon your plans . Those dreams that you have harboured and cherished for so long should be nurtured and realised. What is a little misunderstanding. Surely you can take that in your stride. But just take your time, do it on your own terms and only on your own terms. It is your dream, not others'. So live it the way you picture it. Not to suit others. Do that and you might be festering inside. And it will not be healthy. You don't want to go back to square one. Live your life the way you pictured it, the way you wanted to, not how others expect you to live it. It sounds cliched. Because it is very good advice. Easy to say, much harder to put into practice.

6 months is a long time. Even 21 days between chemo cycles is a l-o-n-g time. Time enough for me to drill, dig, finetune my thoughts based on present and future self discoveries. Provided I promise to be really honest with myself and my needs. Selfish or otherwise. Only time will tell. And whatever I choose, I seek Your guidance, Ya Allah, that the choice will be the best for me and for those I love around me. Insya Allah. In the meantime, I pray for Your blessings to let me heal. You must have a reason to put me through this experience. Amin.

p.s

Dinner was steamed siakap with plenty of ginger and spring onions, and stir-fried spinach. I am already incorporating Dr D'Adamo's food values in meal planning but the mind couldn't help dreaming how nice it is if there was a side plate of sambal and ulam and ikan masin jeruk.....Thank God Kakak is around to make sure I stray not..........!

"O Ye, O Ye..!", Fight Cancer with Blood Type Diet

Cat Chit Chat on Chow:
Troy: "Why,oh why, do you look so sad dear Li Po?"
Li Po: "Sigh......I heard Mama Mi is reviewing our diet.....we may find broccoli and other yucky
green aliens in our feeding bowls.....urghhh...."
Troy: "Don't worry princess, if she does that you can have some of my special biscuits, well,
just a bit...'kay?"
Li Po: "Bbbut...that's for your urinary and weight problems, I don't have a weight problem".
Troy:"Rrright....! Well, what are you gonna do?"
Milla:(Eavesdropping in the far corner...)"Don't worry Kak Li Po, I saw some newly hatched
chicks in that box in the garage.....how about if we.....err....err..."
Troy/Li Po: " Eughhhk.....gerrrossszzz!"

(And they chased Milla off the bench!!)
The End.





April 29 (Day 19 post-first chemo)

First thing this morning I looked around me and all over the pillows I could see strands of hair that I had shed during my sleep. I jumped to the mirror and sure enough, there wasn't too much "crowning glory" left on my head.
Because I was made aware and therefore was expecting this, I did not feel any fear or concern, but being human and a woman, it felt really strange to see this stranger staring at me with all but maybe 50 strands of very short hair left! And if I conscientously comb them through, they will also fall off by the end of the day. That will save me a trip to Jeff's, my hairdresser, and would spare him from any discomfort of having to shave my head bald.

My good friend SC came by to bring me some flowers to cheer me up. Three bunches! One bunch to see me through while the hair is dropping. One for the time when I have no hair left ( in 1 or 2 days' time) and one for the time when my hair would grow back ( but months from now!). Kakak has a catering job that her other employee wanted her help with so I made plans to go out for dinner. As I needed to get my weekly groceries and supplies from Bangsar, SMM accompanied me to BV for organic vegetables and we had dinner at the Country Farm Organic-cafe- in- a- store. They have an interesting menu there and just reading about what goes into each of the menu items made us feel healthy and full of goodness even before we started to eat! They absolutely do not use MSG and each item on their menu is packed with up to a least 80% organic ingredients.

I have been pouring over more books on Breast Cancer to increase my personal awareness on how I might want to plan my life during and after treatment. Combined with interesting tips from helpful survivors and friends that I had met at the various support centres, the knowledge opened up for me some options on what I can do to ensure that I plan my diet and lifestyle optimally to support this silent battle. That would be the least I can do and the rest will be up to the Almighty.

There is one book that won my interest. Title? "CANCER - Fight It with the Blood Type Diet" by Peter J. D'Adamo, a naturophatic physician. The contents may not just be relevant for people with pre-cancerous/cancerous conditions but should be helpful for those keen in trying their best to tailor their diets according to their blood types as a preventive measure against cancer. I am a blood type "O" and based on the individualised blood type plans that he had outlined, I am more informed on which foods(and their categories) I should try to take regularly and which to avoid.

Dr. D'Adamo has assigned labels (he calls them Food Values) to the various food categories. Foods (Meat/Poultry, Fish/Seafood,Dairy/Eggs,Oils, Nuts and Seeds,Beans and Legumes,Grains and Starches,Vegetables,Fruits and Fruit Juices, Spices/Condiments/Sweeteners,Herbal Teas,Miscellaneous Beverages ) are labelled as Super Beneficial, Beneficial,Neutral and allowed frequently, Neutral but allowed Infrequently(eg max 2 times/month), and Avoid.

I found this to be very helpful as it helps to reinforce some of the information that I was given earlier though in some cases I ended up having information that might be contradictory. I can only conclude that earlier information may have been a generalised piece of information and not Blood-Type specific. For example, I went gung-ho on Brussel sprouts as some articles I had come across swear by it as a good anti-cancer food. But Dr A'Damo's findings indicate that Blood Type O should avoid Brussel sprouts, while it is Super beneficial for Blood Type B.

It is a helpful book in the sense that for what it's worth, the knowledge allows an individual to plan and decide what to put in her mouth and that at the end of the day, the rule of moderation applies. Some Super beneficial foods for Blood Type O = Cod,Halibut,Snapper,Trout /Lean Beef, lamb,calf liver (yea-like what my friend's Mum said!)/Flaxseed,Walnut/Favabean/ Broccoli, Garlic, Maitake mushroom,Onion, Parsnip, Seaweed, Spinach/ Blueberry, Cherry, Guava, Jackfruit, Pomegranate/Dill, Fenugreek, Garlic, Ginger, Turmeric/Green Tea,Dandelion tea/Sarsaparilla. Phew....!

The lists in between are pretty surprising too, but I was focussing on the AVOID lists and came across items that I had earlier thought would be good for me for example Kiwi ( I had eaten a whole tree I think),asian pear, avocado,catfish (aah, my favourite!), barley(?),wheatgerm(???!), evening primrose oil, peanut oil, safflower oil, sunflower oil, pistachio , sunflower seeds, all lentils(????dhall????), alfalfa ( I used to graze on that in my sandwiches), cauliflower, cucumber, leek, shiitake (there goes my mushroom on toast brekkie!),mustard greens (sawi????I have to avoid sawi????I gew up on sawi!),tangerine, honey dew, orange, coconut (not sure if juice or the coconut flesh, both my favourite and highly recommended as a penawar, and now because I am "O" I need to avoid?!), nutmeg, Brazil nuts, Cashews,Chestnuts (I happen to have a few packs of these!!).
Very, very interesting.

The Avoid list is as long as the in-between lists of what can be taken in moderation and granted a number of the avoid items are pretty obvious like cured meats(there goes daging salai masak chilli api), dairy products ( this I heave heard before), bacon ,pickled fish , vinegar (except cider vinegar).
My take is if one is still healthy and want to avoid and try to prevent cancer, it is good to know what to avoid and start avoiding the Avoid list food from now, before one is diagnosed. Once diagnosed, like Moi, then one has to be extra vigilant and must make it a point to include the Super beneficial foods and really, truly, and absolutely avoid the Avoid list foods. Insya Allah that might help with the fight, what have I to lose other than a change in diet and knowing that I am being extra nice to my body, eating for my cells rather than entertaining my lust(??) for food and eating without due care on what havoc it might create to my already vulnerable system.

The good Doctor has also proposed some protocols to enhance immunity and suggested possible supplements as adjuncts during Chemoterapy , Radiation and Surgery recovery .

I am glad I picked up this book at Times Bookstore (RM 50.50-what an odd price) recently, and will text my sister to get a copy as a guide when she plans her diet as it should depend on her blood type too. I have just realised that I don't know what her or my siblings' blood types are. I know both my Mum and Dad are "O". Or what the blood type of my close buddies are. We talk about everything under the sun, but never blood types! And I just have a horrifying thought. What if a family of 4 has all the 4 different blood types? That will be a full time job just to plan the day's breakfast, let alone a whole day's menu.

Jokes aside, it might be worthwhile to review if people close to me are eating according to their blood types. So that it is never too late to make little, positive adjustments here and there. Lately, I have pushed aside peeking into the lives of fictional characters and the pile of books that I had started reading (some reading again like Yang May Ooi's Flame Tree just because I had met her and now reading it not for the story-read it last in 1998!- but more trying to gauge her technique and brilliance in building up the story)are now piling high on my nightstand! My reading diet has certainly changed to non-fiction and hard core health-is- life type of materials over the last month or so. My advice to my friends, look at your lifestyle and READ UP and get to know about potential diseases typically drawn by your lifestyle or genes. So that you are prepared. Not advocating that you must be a pessimist but rather to have all the ammunitions up your sleeves should the unfortunate strike! Remember, God helps those who help themselves.

Now, I will need to plan what to have for breakfast tomorrow....

Nostalgia for the green,green,grass of Kampung

"Run for your life! Those KL people are
back.......you will be in hot soup soon!"




April 28 (Day 18 post-first chemo)

The box has "Neimann Marcus" emblazoned across it. It is a square white box that used to contain a gift. I put some jasmine petals in it and by the end of the day, the box was full of my hair. The hair that I tugged at while in conversation with some close friends who came by to visit. By the time I retired for the night, I was really light headed and my scalp was showing through the thinning hair-do. I will keep the box safely and when new hair shows up 6 months or so from now, I will compare the pre and post chemo hair to see if there are differences. I feel good knowing that if thousands of hair follicles have been zapped, it also means any remaining cancer cells would have been zapped as well.

The "good" thing about going through the cancer challenge is that we can be a source of comfort for others who might be going through their own internal turmoils or problems. I tell my friends who are unhappy about something or other that yes, what they are facing is a challenge, but that their problem is more manageable compared to battling cancer which requires life-long surveillance. You can't throw in the towel with cancer, it will be a long, long conscious relationship and you cannot ever let your guard down.

I decided against crowded places today even though I was beginning to feel a little restless by 11am. I was planning to join the Litbloggers Breakfast Club event at MPH BV2 Bangsar and go to the KL International Book Fair at PWTC but was advised against it since my immunity is still depressed and I need to make sure that I am fit for May 3's 2nd chemo. I was hoping to browse for books on dealing with Cancer at the bookfair but ended up browsing at the Times Bookstore in Plaza Damas instead before the lunch crowd got out and about. There weren't too many new titles that interest me. Bookshops make me feel good, always that "the world is at your doorstep" feeling. I like browsing through and feeling the rows and rows of books, marvelling at some of the very creative titles that the authors had come up with.



Nostalgia

After yesterday's post, I managed to get myself really homesick for Masjid Tanah. Although I was born there, I spent all my life in KL, and Seremban where I went to school. Masjid Tanah will always have a special place in my heart. The place was the highlight of my childhood school holidays (the Balik Kampung )when my Mum will pack us off so she can spend time there with her family. I remember a childhood of running around the compound naturally landscaped with coconut palms and every imaginable fruit trees. Durian, Rambutan, Mango, Mangosteen, Chiku, Jackfruit, Cempedak, Langsat, Kundang, Belimbing, different varieties of Banana trees, the list goes on. The fruit season in August was always something we looked forward to and somehow much tastier than the all-year-round supply that we have these days. The vibrant yet soothing green of the rice fields was a welcoming sight, like the appearance of a long lost friend.


I remember as a child sitting on my great grandfather's lap while he peeled rambutans for me. The house used to be the focal point for all his children who lived within the same Kampung, so everyday there was always a family or two visiting and the house and compound was more often packed than not. In the early 60's one of my uncles used to conduct Kelas Dewasa in our compound to teach the seniors in our Kampung to read. We still have a copy of the class photograph with a lineup of the senior "literati" of the Kampung, most of them no longer with us today.

Those were good old days . I wonder how the kids today would manage if they were to be zapped back in time to those days-no colour tv,no mobile phone(infact no phone),no fast food, no computers and internet, no gizmos. We managed by being very aware of our surroundings and spent most of our time outdoors. There were games we played on the foreground, hopscotch, congkak (my late Mum was really good in this, she beat everyone), and badminton on a makeshift court (my Dad did the coaching, he used to be good). When we felt adventurous, the boys would swim in the river near the Ampang Batu, the water so clear and cool you can see the tiny rainbow guppies flickering underwater as you stood over the water's edge. At night, we kids would be sleeping over at some relatives' place and the highlight would be the ghost stories that all the neneks would tell us,in between their betel leaf (sireh) chewing with us kids in a row (everyone fighting to sleep in the middle) sleeping not in the bedroom but in the Ibu rumah.

I can't help it but I like to think about the food that we used to enjoy as children in the kampung. Fast food was on-existent then, unless you consider the Sotong Bakar, sold by the man who cycled past ever so steadily so that we get a sniff of the aroma of Sotong Bakar from his bicycle. When he sensed some interest, he would park his tricycle and set up his satay-grill on which he would be grilling dried cuttlefish. If you like sotong you know the smell can mesmerise you and you would find your way there to get just a little bite. Sotong Bakar was not a meal, it was an indulgent, perhaps what Cheezels is to the kids today.

Sometimes the Icecream man with his "Roulette" wheel would pass by clanging his ancient bell. I miss that sound -Ting,Ting,Ting- with a background of the creaking from his trusty old bicycle. 5 sen will allow you one turn at the "Roulette" wheel, cleverly fixed onto his Icecream carrier box and if you are lucky you might win an extra ice-cream mangkuk (much coveted in those days) or otherwise it was just the normal icecream potong. My grandma used to issue to us kids some coins from her "Pau", a close to the body bum-bag that she had under her baju kurung. She would find it hard to swallow that today one has to pay at least RM5 for a decent icecream in a cup!

The best part of being in Kampung then was the kampung fare that we got to enjoy while there. In those days, gulai was prepared fresh. In every sense of the word. What would you like, asked my Grandma. If we said "Ikan", somehow some freshly caught (usually still alive) ikan haruan, sembilang or puyu would surface from somewhere. Like a well conducted orchestra, the womenfolk would be doing their bit(my relatives were always around), one cleaning the still wriggling fish, someone would be grating the coconut to get freshly squeezed coconut santan, yet another one will be pounding or using the Batu Giling to liquidize the main ingredients of turmeric and chilli padi. Within minutes, a heavenly dish of gulai ikan masak lemak chilli api would be whipped up, often with side dishes of ulam-ulam, pucuk ubi and sambal. If there were very small kids whose tastebuds were still tender, then there would be the ever popular ayam goreng.

The sights and smells of meal preparation are still vivid in my mind to this day. It would be fish one day and chicken or beef the next. Chicken will always be home bred, fed with corn or wheat/rice husks and sans hormone. Fowl would be small kampung chicken(very petite) but packed with a lot of goodness. Beef would be freshly slaughtered. Somehow the Kampung grapevine would know when the Towkay Daging will be slaughtering an animal, and everyone would get busy tying to ensure that they get the best parts (the tenderloins or batang pinang and coveted parts of the beef like the liver, brain, ribs). As telephones were still a novelty in our kampung in those days, trying to ensure your supply was not through a phone call or sms text, but a quick cycle ride or walk to where the slaughter would take place. And the beef was grass fed, a free roaming steer helping himself to uncontaminated grass and water from his grazing place ( usualy the backyard of the Towkay).

I wonder if we will be able to experience this in any part of Malaysia now. Or do we have to be content that we have gone a long way since now we can avail ourselves to Kobe beef, airflown ( how else will they get here) beef from Australia and elsewhere, fresh or frozen from the Supermarket shelves. I miss those simple, sensible days of yore. Days of maybe limited choice, but whatever you chose would be a healthy choice when profit generating hormones/vaccinations on animals were uncommon.

There must be a pervasive sense of nostalgia experienced by other KL folks as well. I looked around me and what do I see? Despite the fact that we can get everything in KL and shop in airconditioned comfort these days, I see shopping complexes setting up "weekend bazaars". These bazaars replicate the pasars in the Kampungs where tents have been set up and trays of spices, fruits and kuehs are offered for sale by the various stalls. Using old fashioned brown bags instead of plastic! I was pleasantly surprised actually.

What will my nephews and nieces remember when they reach their golden years ? What will bring back that nostalgia of their early childhood? I think of good, old fashioned home cooking, of trips to the kampung, of my relatives and their stories of ghosts and bountiful harvests. Of my grandma stirring dodol or wajik with the relatives(a social occasion) that we can bring to KL to last us until the next trip to Balik Kampung. Maybe my nephews and nieces will remember their Hari Raya in the kampung, complete with pelita and sparklers, the fairy lights and mild fire crackers to create that festive air. Or will they only recall the trips to Pizza Hut and McDonalds in Melaka town, and nothing else that Masjid Tanah had offered?

I miss my Kampung, where it is easy to get the best of both worlds. The modern and the traditional. The old fashioned values and the new perspectives on things. And where both my heart and my head can
reign peacefully side by side because life can be simple and there is less conflict on what is and what it appears to be. And I miss my Mum, may she rest in peace. Alfatihah.

Internal Affairs-Gene/Emotions etc....(Final Part)

"Ya Allah ya Tuhan ku, izinkan hamba Mu yang dhaif lagi hina ini untuk meluahkan perasaan ku. Moga-moga dengan terluah nya perasaan yang selalu menghantui ku dan menggoncang ketenteraman jiwa ku, lapang lah dada ku daripada kerisauan supaya dapat hamba Mu ini menghadapi cabaran yang Engkau telah tentukan untuk ku. Hamba Mu ini memohon agar Kau beri lah kekuatan and petunjuk untuk mengatasi segala cabaran. Dan Hamba Mu ini memohon keredhaan supaya segala usaha ku untuk menghadapi cabaran akan berjalan dengan lancar, Ya Allah ya Tuhan ku. Hanya Engkau yang maha berkuasa dan maha Mengetahui dan pada Mu ku berserah, Ya Allah. Amin.

(I need to write what needed to be written in this post even though some aspects of what is written will delve into rather personal matters. I need to do this to draw out the emotional/psychological implications of what may possibly cause stress, anxiety, guilt, shame leading to a weak immune system that can result in illness.)

April 27 (Day 17 post-first chemo)

How self-absorbed I have been in the last few posts! It felt like someone else is talking about this lady who is trying so hard to drill back into her pre-cancer lifestyle and then fast-forwarding it to the here and now to see how the past might have contributed to her present. Whether you have cancer or not, it is a fact of life that what you are today is a sum total of where you have been and what you have been through in life. Input = Output , well, most of the time.

I had a harrowing morning shower washing my hair or rather my scalp, with a gentle baby shampoo when whole bunches of hair came off by the handful. Just as well I was alone in the house then or else I would have yelled for anyone who is interested to pop in and see the handful upon handful of hair that I was peeling from my scalp. Like de-feathering a chicken. Funny, grave, relieved, sad but definitely glad that I was expecting this, so the shock factor wasn't too great. But enough to contact friends to compare notes on their own experience and how they managed it.

I am undecided between letting all hair to drop naturally ( or coaxing them along by literally tearing my hair out) or go to a salon and have my head shaved bald. B.A.L.D.!!! The last time when I had Jeff my hairdresser to cut my hair real short, I cried, right there and then in the Salon. Poor Jeff was uncomfortable I know but he tried to comfort me. It wasn't a boo-hoo-hoo kind of crying, it was just tears streaming non-stop down my face.

Go Bald. That is probably quite practical if I cannot stomach the thought of manually tearing my hair out and in between making sure that I don't shed all over the place. Or perhaps the cheeky minx in me might invite some friends over and test their friendship by having each one pull a bunch until my scalp shines like Kojak's?

I could have just told myself "ah, finally the hair is off, this is due to the drugs.." and move on to the next activity for the day. But I tell myself, this does not happen to everyone and this does not happen everyday. Since this happened to me surely I should allow myself the time and luxury to ponder on why this is happening and if there is a hidden message in it somewhat. The treatment has it's side-effects which can be explained scientifically. By the time this is over, Insya Allah, I will have new hair, new skin, re-growth of new cells in my bone marrow and the rest of my body. And naturally by then a new perspective on life and death and what it means to be alive. It is like being re-born?

God is giving me an opportunity to look into myself, to be truly honest and realy look into myself. Should there be a "new" me? I will not be able to define what a new me should or would be. And I certainly would not want to be defined by my cancer of the breast. The disease is a reality check, a God-given brake/break for me to take stock and focus on self. I need to look at the "old" me and see if the "old" me should be groomed to be a "new" me, one that can sustain the new cells that will be me 4 months from now, if I fight hard enough to get through all the treatments. Will it be like a re-birth?

Reading accounts of long time cancer survivors, brave souls who have gone through what I am just beginning to go through in fighting the disease, and have succeeded in their battle and come to terms with the disease, the trend seems to be they come out of it, stronger, refreshed and renewed. I pray for the same.

I have never been so self-absorbed or self-indulgent as I have been in these last few months. Someone commented that I must feel really strange to be focussing on myself for a change and not running around for others. I am single, so really there usually would be no "others" but on reflection, there were a lot of others that I was living my life for. Who says single people are alone? By choice maybe.

I have so far examined all the easy bits on my pre-cancer life. The external environment and all the other Lifestyle factors are easily defined and to a great extent are all within my control. I know where I was and can choose what can change, not only for the better, but to add variety and do things differently. We age, the universe ages, so it is time to live differently(befriend our environment and go green) and eat and exercise differently, befitting our age. God helps those who help themselves.

The factors that are critical but not so easy to examine are the Internal Factors. Factors internal to oneself, that only one knows and have to be upfront enough to acknowledge no matter how the truth may hurt or embarass. That's why I have intentionally left it to the last. External and Lifestyle factors are outwardly manifested, easy to identify and with a little bit of discipline and self control easy to improve on or change. Not so with Internal Factors.

I thought hard about what this might cover and what might be relevant in my case. Some health proffesionals suggested that apart from Genes, Infections, Wellbeing (Emotional/Mental/Spiritual/Social) , personality and character may play a role as these would determine how one copes with stress which in turn affects one's immunity level. Low immunity resulting from stress causes your system to be weak. When your system is weak, your good cells are compromised and the bad cells triumph. And havoc will prevail in its various forms. Simplistic I know but isn't this reflective of other areas in life as well?

Since I owe it to myself to leave no stone unturned, and complex though it may be, I will need to be extra self indulgent in examining my "Internal Affairs". An honest to goodness self indulgence. I really don't know what will come out of this exercise but I believe in the mind-body association where health matters are concerned, and I feel that I will be doing myself an injustice if I do not pursue this aspect as thoroughly as I can. Even if I still end up lost and confused after all this, just having thought it through would be a relief and hopefully help in my healing.

Internal Factors:

Gene-What I have gathered so far based on hear say and accounts by relatives, no one in my family had Breast Cancer. I am the first. The first! How about that. What a legacy to leave to my siblings( my first degree relatives ) and their issues. My late maternal great-grandpa apparently died of stomach complications, but in those days people didn't talk Cancer openly, the C word may not even exist in their vocabulary and certainly not written in the death certificate. My maternal grandma had a growth on her chest bone but not resulting from breast cancer. My late Mum passed away due to heart failure and in the last 2 years of her life, apart from a weak heart and osteoporosis, was diagnosed as having CLL ( mild form of leukemia apparently common in old age ) and was treated with monthly blood transfusions. They all lived to a ripe old age and passed away in their 8o's. I could not remember much about my grandparents' illness but my Mum was a strong woman and took charge of her illness and established strong and caring relationships with her doctors. My Dad has irregular rythmns in his heart and chronic bladder problem(non-cancerous) and is relatively fit for his 87 years. My paternal grandparents had heart problems and hypertension. I am the first one with Breast Cancer.

Personality/Behaviour/Character-I was a type A Personality when I was much younger but mellowed considerably following the passing of my Mum in 2003. I was full of contradictions, wanting to be in charge but sometimes fail to realise that I have limitations. I wasn't very good at asking others for help and was constantly pushing myself really hard to get things done. I would do things that others would not. I shoulder a lot of responsibilities which on reflection should and could have easily been shared with others to lighten the load.

Although I have a well developed sense of humour, deep down I am a very serious person, I take everything seriously. I tend to be a perfectionst. I demand perfection in everything I do and do it meticulously from a to zee. Either I do something or I don't. No halfway measures or hangat-hangat tahi ayam kind of deal. Because I try to "give" with perfection, I demand perfection from others as well, and will feel let down if I sense that people are not committed. I am not perfect but I made an effort to be. When I felt shortchanged, instead of facing up to it and talking it out so that the imbalance might be rectified, I wallowed in my dissappointments. Makan hati ulam jantung. I was afraid of hurting the feelings of others or bashing their self esteem or confidence, so I put up with the "nonsense". This was a stupid thing to do. How would others know if I did not tell them? I had assumed that everyone with a level head on their shoulders would be reasonable. But I was mistaken and my perfectionist attitude and stupid assumptions can be dangerous as how would others know what was bothering me unless I tell it to them straight?

Yet I never learnt. I was always feeling sorry for people and because of that I was taken advantage of. It may sound gross to state it this way but that was it. I compared myself to others less fortunate and at times felt guilty that I did not have some of the problems they were facing, and consciously got myself involved hook, line and sinker. I thought being single I should be able to spare my resources and energy to help make life cosy for others. Looking back, sometimes at the expense of self . I did not know how to say "No!". It was difficult for me to say "No". And I am always rooting for the underdog. Always, but sometimes instead of getting a thank you no matter how small, I got bitten.

People say we are born with our character traits. If you are the giving type, you will always be the giving type. If you are Scrooge, you will always be Scrooge. I don't know about that. But what I do know is, when you give, you always get something back- a sense of fulfilment, satisfaction and generally a sense of wellbeing in an emotional and spiritual sense. The danger is when in giving, if you raise your expectations to get an equal or equivalent return someday, then you are setting for yourself a trap. And this trap could lead to all kinds of emotional upheavals and upsets.

When I realised this, it was too late. I was not and am not a Scrooge. I am a giver and I gave willingly. But sometimes I gave more than what I have,and that wasn't good for me. I extended and stretched myself thin, because I wanted to do it all and also because I did not feel comfortable feeling helpless and seeking the help of others. Why? Because I thought others should understand and offer me help without me having to ask for it. Because I have in the past sought for help very openly but was not taken seriously by others. They thought I couldn't be serious, how can this Superwoman not manage on her own when all these while she could. We have better things to do than help someone who is not really helpless!

Where does this take me? To a lot of situations when I felt that I will take matters in my own hands if others are not able to help. And usually these situations are not self-serving situations. These are situations where I really wanted to help others who rely on me for help but where I know it will be difficult to manage alone. I would rather suffer and toil alone than having to seek help from people who are too busy with their own lives to spare a minute or 2 to help me. Not really me, but the situation that I was trying to manage. It took a very significant event in my life to realise that this pride (or stupidity) can be very, very damaging.

I believe in Qada' and Qadar. And I am redha with what God has determined for his insan. But I can't help feeling guilty. Guilty that I should have acted more wisely and not let my pride and emotions overwhelm sound judgement. Would things have been different if I had? Maybe not. But still, I felt responsible for my Mum's passing. I usually stooped at nothing to give the best to my loved ones generally. Especially where my parents are concerned. I spoilt them rotten.

In October 2003, my Mum passed away in my house while I was at work, just 30 minutes short of the time when I was supposed to be home to pick her up during my lunch break to take her to see the Specialist. The week before, she was feeling poorly. I was away on an overseas business trip and wasn't due back until the Friday. She was feeling unwell and got the maid to contact one of my siblings in KL to tell them she wasn't feeling too good and may need to see a doctor. The maid was told that no one is free and it is best to wait for my return. On my return as always, I called my Mum and she wanted me to come home, which I did on the Friday evening. She did not look too good but said that she had been to see her regular GP for some medication for her upset stomach. I noted she was not breathing normally and took her to see the doctor again the following day. He advised that I take my Mum for a chest X-ray to check on her breathing. On Sunday I brought her to KL with me so that I could take her to see her Cardiologist as her breathlessness could be due to her heart.

I discussed with her on what the plan was. I said I could take her during lunch time the following day (Monday)as I needed first to go to the office to sort a few things as I had been away. If she wanted to go earlier, maybe one of my siblings can take her. That's when I was told not to contact them because they are busy, she would wait for me. The maid informed me then that she had tried to get one of my siblings to take my Mum but they were unable to, and My Mum had said, that's ok, wait for me to return. I went to work and called the IJN to fix an appointment indicating that my Mum needs to see a doctor urgently and they said to bring her to Emergency as her regular doctor was away.

After wrapping up a few things at work and notifying my staff that I will be out in the afternoon, I got ready to leave the office. That was when I received a phone call. The maid called from the house to say that my Mum was no more. Everything was a blur from then on and I was surprised that I managed to drive home and reached home safely. Full of sheer, unadulterated regret that I could have taken her to the hospital first thing that morning and not wait for lunch time. Regret over the fact that I should have called up one of my siblings and asked for their help (despite my Mum's protest of not to) to take her in the morning instead of waiting for lunch hour so I can take her.

It took me a long while to grieve over the loss of my Mum, given the circumstances. Could things have been different had she been taken to the doctor earlier? Only Allah knows, and Muslims believe that when and where you transit to eternal life have all been pre-determined from the moment you were born. It is God's will and I have learnt to accept that instead of challenging or lamenting on it, as this may amount to blasphemy. I have stopped blaming myself for it and moved on.

Sometimes I wonder why fate can be so cruel ? If there was a message, was the message just for me or was it also for others around me? I have closely cared for her all these while and most of the time put her needs before mine so why did she choose to go when I was not around? My Mum passed away in KL alone in her room with only the maid,(a stranger!), around when all her children in KL at that time could have been with her. Was it very difficult for her to call the others. Why was it diffcult for ME to call the others? Could it have been different if I had called up everyone and got them to come over? I will never know. Only God knows, and in God's all knowing wisdom, what happened to my Mum then was the best that could have been planned for her. And a lesson to be learnt by all of us.

I was not the same after that. I felt bitter and a deep resentment towards my siblings. I know it was not their fault, it was God's will, but where were they when I wasn't around and my Mum was reaching out for someone the week before? We (siblings) never discussed it and I don't know if anyone felt burdened with guilt or conscience of some sort. There were some discussions and reminiscing following my mother's passing and I discovered a lot of things and harsh reality about my family, not relevant to my cancer of course, but important for me to acknowledge so that I am better prepared in future about my expectations from my sibling with regard to caring for my father, now alone and without his spouse of at least 60 years. But I felt guilty nevertheless and my conscience bore deeply in me. Within a year of my mother's passing, I made the decision to leave my job and retire to stay and make a life in the Kampung. That is me. Pro-actively putting others first before self no matter what it cost. Was that a wise move? Leaving a cushy job and straight away from being a city gal, I dived headlong into Kampung life , one I am not familiar with save for the weekend and Hari Raya jaunts there? This will take me to look at my personal wellbeing, which up until the passing of my mother, I had always taken for granted to be good. Halcyon days indeed until then.

Emotional/Mental/Spiritual/Social Wellbeing- Emotionally, I am a very tough person but at times I can be sensitive but am very good at putting on that tough exterior.

Generally I am in control of my emotions and mentally I am strong. I quit my job and put myself in semi-retirement mode by living in the Kampung and learning the ways of Kampung life. I had plans of settling in the Kampung and setting up a home-based business relating to the tourism and services industry one day. I did some research on the agricultural sector and was a keen participant of any state or national seminars and conventions on business opportunities in the sector. I enjoyed my life in the Kampung and there it was easy for me to be spiritually closer to God. The environment was just so conducive as Kampung affairs revolve around religious events and the mosques/suraus.

I reinforced to myself the values that are important to me and did not regret one bit for having imposed on myself an early retirement from corporate life. In the kampung I got to know my relatives better and life was easy to manage as everything is within reach, and oh, absolutely no traffic jams. I was very happy as I can actually see and experience for myself the truth in the malay phrase "berbudi kepada tanah". I truly enjoyed my stay there and initiated work to

clear the piece of land that my late Mum passed on to me, with a view to develop a small homestay business.

God wanted to test me after a year had passed. A few things happened that only God knows why, that made my life in Kampung unbearable, however much I tried to accomodate the situation. For the sake of protecting the others involved in the situation, I will not go into the details as it would not be right seeing that they will not get to read this blog and come up with their side of the story. Suffice for me to indicate that the outcome(s) were pretty traumatic for me. Had it not been so ridiculously incredible, I could have offered a line or 2 to fill the gap over what had really happened. But it was something so ludicrous that I will not even attempt to explain. And again, I tried to reach out but no one who should and could help me was willing to. I don't blame them. I may have done the same if I were them, I don't know. But then again, maybe I won't.

I was one unhappy gal. Thank God I still have my own place in KL, left neglected all these while. And thank God I have not rented it out. I realised that I suffered from mysterious aches and pains at home in the Kampung. It could be due to stress because of the traumas befalling me. I decided to stay in KL so that I could pursue what I really want to do. If not for my father and brother, I would have entertained my yearnings to travel to a lot of the places that I haven't been. I have friends that I can visit and stay with, and write on my travels or teach English while away.

Back in KL, despite the persistent mysterious aches and pains all over my body, I made plans. I was going to travel, not far, but cover the Asean countries that I haven't been to- Indochina, Myanmar, parts of India, China , Australia, New Zealand and Indonesia that I have not been to. Now the plans are on hold with this sudden discovery.

It was a blessing my cancer was discovered while I am still here and not while engaged in travel. God must have a reason for choosing the timing, for God is all knowing. I can only be thankful. There will always be a time and place for everything, so it is good to approach first things first.

I don't really know how relevant my ramblings today is to factors that can lead to breast cancer. I only put it down as it comes to me, freely without censorship and hopefully months from now when I re-read this, I might be able to see some light or relevance. I guess I am practicing Freud's concept of 'free association' in expressing my uppermost thoughts as I write no matter how irrelevant they are.

And who knows therein lies something that I should re-evaluate and manage better, if only not to have to undergo the same stress and trauma.

Already just having written all these down, I feel kind of relieved and somewhat liberated, as though I have been repressing some things that I had wanted to say out in the open but couldn't. Now that I have written all these down, I guess I have a choice to press the delete key and forget that I have poured these feelings out (which may be unhealthy) or retain all that I had written and hit the "publish" key (and feel good about it).

For what it is worth, I am hitting the "publish" key and with it I hope to expel all the bitterness and resentment that I might still have been harbouring all these while. They are now on paper and no longer embedded in me and causing such unhappiness within my soul. I am not going to be afraid to say "No" and I will not feel guilty for putting myself first now. I need to heal and be healthy. I need to get out of this challenge and dugaan, and succeed like others before me. And Insya Allah, when that happens I will see the light and will be a better person to cope with and help the others around me.

Lifestyle Factors (Part 2)-Physical Fitness

Troy:"What, me exercise.....??But I look cute with
my milk-belly, what! Tak payah lah.......zzzzzzzz"

April 26 (Day 16 post-first chemo)

Syukur Alhamdullillah that I was able to see the funny side of things. When my friends came to visit they noticed I was wearing a bandana. We took snapshots at every angle while I still have hair. The first time I took off the scarf, my hair was flat and plastered all over my scalp. It reminded me of a certain minister who wears a toupee! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. I hope I will be still as ticklish when I shampoo my hair using the mild SebaMed baby shampoo that I bought specially for this treatment period. I am expecting that bunches, probably an acre at a time, will come off. Hopefully no pain as my scalp is beginning to feel slightly tender,as though I had a knock the day before kind of feeling. Not painful but a noticeable feeling.

After writing about eating healthily, dinner last night was Kepala Ikan masak asam pedas, san the chillies. SNA and her son came by for a visit and joined me for dinner. Kakak also stir-fried some Kacang botol which was tres, tres delicious. I am making it a point to have at least 2 types of sayur and we actually had 3 last night, including stir-fried tauge and kerabu pomelo. Dessert was fruit, but after the good dinner we can only managed a banana each.

I am supposed to next reflect on other Lifestyle factors - Physical Fitness, Stress level, Emotional wellbeing, Mental Wellbeing, Spiritual Wellbeing and Social Wellbeing.

I think most of these other factors are somewhat inter-related. Personally I feel that Emotional/Mental/Spiritual/Social wellbeing are tied in to a person's behavioural and personality traits. They move in tandem. So again, I will study these separately and note those observations under Internal Factors ie together with Genes and Infections.

Physical Fitness:(and Hobbies?)
Evaluating my height, weight and frame, I would be of average health. 153 cm, small to medium frame, I am pear-shaped (hereditary lah), and stand at 57 kg before and after the recent surgery. So my chemo is being calculated and administered based on that body weight ( which was my weight during adolescent). I registered 50-53 kg during most of my working life and started piling on the weight after I stopped working. In other words, when I stopped working out at the gym/swimming/squash/aerobics/jazzercise/ daily brisk walking in 2005, I had gained at least 5 kg. That't the weight of an overdue baby. A big, fat baby.

I have always been active and cannot sit still for long. If I do, I would be multi-tasking. I would have the radio or TV on if I am cooking. Or ironing, Or reading. When I read I munch. When I shower, I think and will see what needs to be cleaned and sorted out in the bathroom. I do daily briskwalking every morning without fail for at least 4-5 km before I start work at the office ( I showered in the Recreation Floor of the office). I liked that arrangement because it was nice to start the day right and know that you have done something good for your body as putting it off to the later part of the day may mean that something may come up to change your plan. The arrangement helped to keep my body weight stable and I was quite fit. My health was reported as "excellent" whenever there was a physical/medical examination. I had not been identified with any chronic illness and the last mammogram in 2003 together with other tests covered during a full medical were given the all clear. Except for a surgery to remove some fibroids (benign) in 2000, I was seldom sick and could not remember being on sick leave.


When I stopped working and was living in the kampung in 2005-mid 2006, my lifestyle with respect to exercise changed. We had a maid who took care of the household chores while I was the household chauffeur. My dad would grab the car keys and drove to his favourite spots whenever he felt like it but I took care of the long trips as his eyesight isn't as good as it used to be. I missed my morning walks but made up for it by physical manual labour around the compound. I joined my brother and the maid to spruce up the compound. We have a lot of fruit trees and herbal shrubs that were beginning to look like the Amazon forest, so together with some hired help we "tebas" and "toiled". It was very physical and every evening I would sweat like a horse and the pre-maghrib showers felt so cleansing and I would sleep like a log until morning.

When the house compound was done, we moved to the land that my late Mum had bequeathed to our care. More hired help to "tebas" and "toil" to clean up. It was almost a daily ritual and it was fun ( for me at least as never before had I the opportunity to get my hands dirty like that). I discovered what Bamboo shoots look like before they are processed as food(yum!). We piled chopped up twigs and branches and camped under the gazebo-style pondok that we had built for us to rest in between. I remember trying to burn the pile of bamboo branches ourselves because the Pak Aji who we trusted and paid to do it played us out (*##??€*&%!!#). I was more careful after that about accepting people at "face value". In that instance, due to our (well, mine actually) inexperience, I almost razed the whole plot of land with durian trees to the ground. It was a windy day and the little flame spread like wild fire. I panicked and called the Bomba, who, bless them, turned up in less than 10 minutes. They looked so disappointed when they arrived and I heard one of them reporting to their HQ via mobile "..takde apa apa, buluh aja terbakar...ape, pakai spray aje?"By that time the whole kampung had gathered to find out what was happening.

So I did continue to sweat it out even though not my usual routine. Despite all the exercise and flurry of activities, I noticed that my clothes were getting tight. The scales showed I had put on some weight even though I was not eating more and sweated it out everyday. The weight gain could be due to the onset of menopause. I did not eat any more than I used to although I did o'd on all the lovely kueh-kueh at the weekly Pasar Malam and Pasar Tani. There was serabai and sauce, putu piring, best-in-the-world Masjid Tanah cendol (featured in Traveller's Choice), abuk-abuk, talam ubi kayu, kueh bakar pandan( baulu kemboja), wajik sirat, and tapai . My shopping trolley at the Pasars will always have a few of these kuehs hanging from the hook so they wouldn't get squashed. My dad, brother, the maid and I would go for our weekly morning and evening walks browsing through the Pasar Tani and Pasar Malam stalls for weekly supplies. It was good exercise because I would go a few rounds to get things done while my dad walked around leisurely to socialise because he knows most of the vendors. We would rendezvous at an ice-cream potong stall after about an hour. Sometimes I drove my dad to fishing spots and waited with him while he fished or watch others fish, either at a private pond or public beaches. While he fished I would take a walk along the beach. Hongeh jugak in the hot sun.

My weight stabilised at between 55-56 kg, 5 kg than what I used to weigh just the year before. Could this sudden weight gain have encouraged and coaxed the cancer cells to come out of hiding? As the period also coincided with the onset of my menopause ( which finally happened in August 2006), I experienced sweet cravings. I could have o'd on chocolates and sweet nothings (ie sweet stuff full of nothing, no nutrients other than hazardous calories) during that time. In retrospect it would have been alright to have over-indulged just to satisfy the menopausal sweet urgings had I also compensated by exercising a bit more. But by that time, other than normal day to day green maintenance around the house, there wasn't too much physical work , and I was very , very careful not to get Bomba involved again. (An aside- for those that missed "Menopause, the Musical" at Actors Studio, do go and watch the play coming in August, it is good fun!).

Where I am today since returning to KL in mid 2006, I must admit that just because I am always on the move, doing my own household chores with only a Sunday walk-in maid to scrub the house and keeping the cats organised, I have not been as actively walking or exercising as I did before. I do "social" walking,ie rendezvous with friends at weekends for a walk around my area or TTDI Kiara Hill, or the Lake Gardens, but then we would offset all that with a really bountiful breakfast of nothing less than Masala Thosai with all the trimmings. WhaI would faithfully do is my stretching exercises upon rising everyday and simple yoga postures just to keep the spine and joints supple.

I am sure I can do better. I need to do better. I must do better. Even if I do not have Breast Cancer I was going to sign up at Yogazone. Now that I have Breast Cancer it is imperative that I schedule a fitness regime that will take care of the impact of surgery on my lymphatic system and make sure that I address post-menopausal health issues like keeping osteoporosis at bay and incorporating some cardio exercises for cardiac health ( especially since osteoporosis and cardiac problems showed up in our family).

The physical fitness aspect of our current lifestyle is entirely within our control and we can do something about it. It is never too late to start, but we must start right and make sure we approach it wisely. Again, slow and steady to build up a comfortable pace and routine that can be sustained and not in spurts on the spur of the moment. I am jotting this down as a sweet reminder to myself to take it slow as I can be quite "over" sometimes.

What I hope to do next Insya Allah is to check out the various complementary therapies that can be incorporated into my daily schedule. Activities like walking, stretching and the anti-Lymphedema exercises can be done anytime and I am already practicing those. Group exercises like Tai-Chi, Yoga, Reiki will be nice to do in a group/social setting. A number of the Cancer Support groups are organising this and I would like to find out more on where I can easily join up.

Already just writing this down, my semangat is berkobar-kobar. I don't know how my body will react to the second dose of chemo. If good, I may even want to start during the 3rd week when all the side-effects would have waned. If not, I will have to wait until all the cycles are over. For now, I will continue with my morning walks around my area(please God, no haze during this time...thank you), the morning stretches and arm exercises.

The only other comment I have after this reflection is that my late Mum never went to a gym, did not own a leotard for aerobics or yoga, was not even allowed to cycle,and she was fine. She kept busy mostly with housework and raising us 6 kids. And when she walked it was mainly to round us up to and from the playground to herd us back into the house for our evening shower before mengaji. Her favourite past time include sewing, all kinds of handiwork ( crochet, knitting, tatting ) and reading. All rather sedentary. When she and my dad moved to live in Melaka, they both had included gardening and sort of organic farming as their hobby, at least during the first few years after my dad's retirement. After that it was really just pottering around the house and still looking and pampering us kids whenever we turned up at their doorsteps. Typical of Asian mums, she showered us with her love not really through big bearhugs and kisses but through the labour and toil of preparing our favourite dishes. That activity gave her a glow that I sense missing from a lot of us today.

My favourite past times(not counting travelling) are basically sedentary. Reading (sitting), Writing (lots of sitting), Studying People(more sitting eg in cafes/libraries/functions), Cooking ( movement but limited to triangular space between sink, stove and refrigerator). Should I incorporate gardening after chemo? I have been advised not to yet as there is a risk of getting infected if I graze myself while handling the plants and soil(dirt).
I am keen to cycle as it is also a weight bearing and cardio exercise in one.
We will see.

For now, I am thankful to God that at least in spirit, I still have that determination to do what it takes to get out of this and hope that it stays with me throughout my treatment and beyond. And if maintaining an ideal wieght and keeping active through regular exercise can also help keep cancer at bay, please give me the strength and determination to do so ya Allah and not take things for granted when I regain my health. Amin.

Lifestyle Factors - A hard look at mine...(Part 1-Diet)

"Okay, Aunty..did you say 5 portions of fruits a day?Yummy,I love this but it's hard to get in Ldon! Can you ship some over?Thank youuuuuu!"

April 25 (Day 15 post-first chemo)


I completed reading the "Green Issues" in VANITY FAIR (May issue, UK Edition).
A number of relevant topics which made me think of my own carbon footprints and what I can do/resolve to do to reduce them. I have been "going green" whenever I can but there is always that additional "one more step" that I can take. Or to be taken by others, I suppose.

Http://www.Vanityfair.com/magazine can offer a peek at all the other green issues being discussed. The magazine is really cool and despite the title, contains a number of worthy public interest issues, put together by brilliant writing.

In the meantime, I was shedding hair and quite honestly I am worse than Ashley who leaves a trail of fine,grey fur along her path. I found strands, well a lot of strands, of hair on my pillows and sheets ( white cotton so it is easier to pluck them up). I couldn't sleep with the headgear on or maybe I should get used to it?
Anyway, I have lots of hair still but slowly but surely it is thinning and I must get a "before" and "after" shot to capture for posterity. SMM who dropped by yesterday mentioned that I look nice with the bandanna, but I thought my head looked really flat. In anycase, I am still me. Love me, love my no-hair.

I was going to tackle next the "Internal Factors" that could contribute to cancer (specifically my breast cancer) but realised that I need to get some information relating to the gene pool that I came from. So I will look at "Lifestyle Factors" first. Scientists believe that lifestyle(an unhealthy one) contribute to most forms of cancer.

Lifestyle Factors pour moi:Part 1-Diet

I love food. People who know me know that my favourite word is "Sedaaaaap!". Food is a passion. It is one of the delights that is not illegal, sinful or immoral so I indulge in food with....a passion! It is not an obsession but eating is a past time that I really relish. I look forward to entertain friends and family by going out to eat (at nice places befitting the occassion) or simply by putting on my apron and whipping up an adventure in the kitchen. My kitchen is there to be used and abused and not meant to just look nice like a show kitchen. I don't have a wet and dry kitchen. I have a kitchen with stoves that work and have been put to work.

I eat well and am knowledgeable about healthful eating and healthy food preparation. I know my food pyramid and what a balanced diet means. I take supplements and love raw ulam and salads. I munch fruits to balance my sweet tooth ( chocolates are my "drug" and give me a high). I looked after my aging parents and supervise their meals so that they get the best meal combination and nutrients to sustain their health and energy levels.

When I was young, like most of my peers, we grew up on simple, delicious and freshly prepared home cooked meals-by our mothers. I remember my Mum "suap-ing" us ( I cannot think of a suitable or equivalent English word for this).
Everyday just before stuffing us into Pak Chik Harun's car to take us to school, the 3 of us siblings will be "suap-ed" our pre-school lunch by my Mum. Almost always there will be a fish dish and a vegetable dish and soup. For example lunch could be ikan kembung masak kicap, fried long beans and tofu,fucuk and suhun soup. Mum will feed us, not with a spoon, no. With her loving fingers, one mouthful for me, another mouthful to my brother and then another mouthful to my sister until we had enough. Dessert was a tablespoon each of Scott's Cod Liver Emulsion which I tried to hide from, unsuccessfully. Dinner was similar, an animal protein, vegetables and fruits (whatever in season but I remember there was always bananas in the house) but we get to sit and eat by ourselves, no suap-ing. She was very practical, my Mum. And very knowledgeable about healthy eating. Her favourite chore is taking us to the Family Clinic where she would inquire from the Sister (Nurse) on what to feed her growing children so they are "smart". Breakfast was bread and Planta, tea was kueh of the day. No excesses but enough to energise us for a boisterous childhood. Snacks and titbits were not as common as it is for the kids today. Little treats would be corn-on-the cob or kacang putih or even gula tarik, once in a while, because it is too sugary.
Coca cola or FN orange were given as special treats, and not always available in the house. Only during Hari Raya. Otherwise it was Milo (hot or cold) and Ribena.

When I went to boarding school in Seremban for all of my teenage years, I am certain that the Matron made sure the menu was healthful. Our meals were indeed very regimented. This was TKC in the mid 60's to early 70's. Breakfast, Lunch, Tea and Dinner were regulated by the bell. We were fed typical boarding school fare, I guess. Eggs, Bread and spread, and a slice of fruit for breakfast. Lunch and dinner would be a gulai of fish, eggs, chicken or beef , with a vegetable soup or stir-fry and sambal something or other. There is always dessert, either bananas, apples, oranges or a slice of pineapple or melon. Tea was usually bubur something or other or kueh Melayu. School break (recess)could have been hazardous to my health, the "Merdeka Bars"- icecream blocks sandwhiched between wafers, Flying saucers (greasy cucur but oh, so delicious with sweet chilli sauce), Tunnocks Wafers, Mutton Balls (not what you think but deep fried cucur with mutton and potato curry fillings), and a list of other tasty morsels that only home-away and homesick teenagers would buy to seek comfort.

The weekends would be another round of treats, not planned by our Matron but left to our fancy. I could write a book about our life in school and the interesting characters we have there, from fellow students (from all over the country, my first exposure to what it means to be Malaysian )to our school teachers to the administrative staff there (the Matron or Housekeeper and her army of guards) but will save that for a rainy day. For now, back to the food. Saturdays in boarding school means each dormitory will have a representative to go out shopping for things/food in Seremban town that we couldn't have possibly got from the school canteen or Dining Hall. So another round of treats like ABC from Lemon Street, Apam Balik, Rojak Mamak, Mee Rojak, Assortment of biscuits from the Milk Bar, all kinds of nuts, a favourite was Kacang Botak or Milk Means. Coconut biscuit, Sultana biscuits and the list went on. And of course sometimes fruits (apples and oranges). We had to prioritise to make sure our monthly allowance lasted.

So far, it looks like I was no different from the kids today, and probably considering my age range then, was doing better than some of the kids today who now have more exposure to junk food. We did not have too many choice over junk in those days in school , only when we came out of boarding but even then, it was very rarely that we ate out. School holidays mean healthy home cooking and my Mum made sure she cooked all my favourite foods. A trip to A&W or KFC were on rare occasions for the Coney Dog and rootbeer and a Lunch plate of fried chicken. Not often enough to develop into a habit or addiction. Meals were square meals at home, freshly prepared and well balanced. Boarding school made me fat though and I was rather chubby for my height.

Then it was student days in the UK. Hmmm...this can be a bit tricky. For 3 years as a student, I lived in a self catering Hall or a Boarding House where we did our own cooking. I thought I ate healthily. All those food and stuff that I had only seen in magazines I could now buy from the supermarts and grocers. I o'd on fresh fruits,buying bagfuls of apples, pears, cherries , strawberries and whatever was in season from my favorite greengrocer on the way back from lectures. I also o'd on vegetables -cauliflower, carrots, beets, cresses, parsnips, kale,and yes, brussel sprouts. I had so much brussel sprouts too often that I felt that they sprouted out of my ears until I couldn't stand the sight of them. And stopped taking them for a while. Now they tell me that brussel sprouts are good for me and bad for cancer cells ( they can cause the cancerous cells to apoptosise ie kill themselves), so I have started to take a lot again.

Student days also meant a lot of experimentation in the kitchen. Trying out new foods, impressing foreign friends with "Malaysian" dishes that I have never before cooked in my life but trying them out anyhow. Always, it involved improvisation as not all the home ingredients were available fresh, unless I made an effort to get them from Chinatown whenever I was up in London. Lunch then was mostly taken at the cafetaria-Fish and Chips, pies, soups and assortment of sandwiches (I usually chose cheese and tomato or egg fillings). I thought that should be fine as there was always a salad or vegetable to accompany my selected dish. Dessert may be the killer. This was the period when I "honed" my taste buds to like all kinds of sweet stuff, and really creamy stuff. Fruit crumbles with sauces, bread and butter puddings, all kinds of cakes and icecreams. Meals were not considered ended unless a dessert was taken to mark the end of each meal. I raided Marks & Spencers for their fruit yoghurts and frozen desserts and must have tried every assortment they had.

Dinner was always a group affair. The Malaysian students in Southampton were a resourceful lot. We took turns to cook within our groups, even the boys (infact they all were better cooks!). It was always a Malaysian dinner with halal meat from Derby Road, and usually it was chicken. Probably loaded with growth hormones too. We did not prepare as much fish, probably it was too fussy to prepare and nobody liked the fishy smells. Vegetables were plentiful and really if I recall correctly we had a lot of vegetables usually garnished with shrimps, and a curry ( again if it was chicken, it would be accompanied with a generous assortment of vegetables-carrots,green pepper, egg plant). So I would say, we ate sensibly for dinner.

Occasionally, whenever I went up to London (once a month courtesy of British Rail and the NUS card which means half-priced train tickets)to meet up with friends and the "love of my life" at 44 Bryanston Square (Malaysia Hall), I would have my meals there. Good Malaysian food,always a good spread (for a student on a budget, at least) and always at a fair price.

So far so good. I may have been delinquent on the desserts but on balance I did take foods which were supposed to be good for me as well. And of course, student days in England in early 70's meant looking forward to the Milkman ( yes, milk was sold in bottles-gold top, slurp, very rich and creamy perfect for your Alpen in the mornings, and silver top if you don't like it rich. I lurved it rrrriiichh!). The red milkvan will come around at about 7.30 in the mornings to our Hall of residence or to the boarding house, and we would queue to get our daily fix. Orange Juice was in cartons, but milk was in bottles. I had chosen gold top because the thinking then was I need to build up my calcium intake and rich dairy products were supposed to be the best source. The richer the better,until I heard of skimmed milk. Low fat milk came later. There was skimmed milk but it tasted just awful to my young and gung-ho taste buds.

Supplements were not as loudly hailed then as they are now. At most I took multi-vitamins from Boots and tried to get all my nutrients from natural foods. In keeping with the health trend then, salads were popular, so were cheeses. Now we are being told that rich, dairy products may not be as good as they were once thought to be due to high fat content. Perhaps not for Asians? No matter, my diet there did not make me fat, perhaps due to the fact that we were always busy and on the move, my puppy-fat from my teenage days disappeared and I maintained an ideal weight for my size.

Back in Malaysia, working life and a career meant I needed to make sure that I ate well to be fit and healthy to meet and fulfil my obligations. No longer living at home with my parents ( my Dad retired and he and my Mum relocated to Melaka), I tended to eat out a lot. On workdays and evenings when I had games or other extra-curricular activities, lunch and dinners were never at home but I tried to choose healthy combinations. But who knows what oils were used and if the standard of hygiene during food preparation would meet minimum health standards. And MSG, while there was no MSG at home, I couldn't control what went into the lovely dishes eaten outside. The indicator was if I felt parched and thirsty coming home from eating out, I could be sure MSG was liberally used.

I cooked occasionally as I loved to entertain friends at home. It was a way to unwind and have around me people whose company I enjoyed and in the comfort of my own surroundings. The menus were specially thought out and I would stop at nothing to make the evening a success and the meals healthy and memorable. Friday evenings would be the evening of choice and if I wasn't too pooped out, I would invite friends over for dinner.

Most weekends I would drive down to Melaka to join my parents for the weekend. Usually a friend or 2 would accompany me to unwind in the kampung setting. So my weekend diet would be really healthy kampung fare. My Mum knew I loved ayam kampung goreng and at least 2 virgin ayam kampungs would be slaughtered for our benefit. My parents led a very heathy laid-back life after my Dad's retirement and even if they didn't go to market , they could very well indeed live on what was around them. My Dad loves fishing so there was always fresh fish and they had a fine time between them trying out their green thumb. All kinds of vegetables and fruits and ulams abound, all we need to do is take a walk around and gather them. My friends enjoyed those weekend sojourns.

Working life also meant regular business lunches/dinners and business trips. I am not trying to place the blame of indiscriminate eating to the Organisation that paid for my upkeep all these while but aah those business lunches and dinners! "Nice" food at nice places, how can you resist? Very difficult to really, temptation got the better of me most times. I surprised myself and those with me for they wonder where all the food went! Still I would be very sensible over the starters (usually raw foods-salads, oysters) and the main meal, trying to keep them lean, mean and healthy. Once in a while I got naughty and discretely asked the carver of a roast wagon to get me the crispy and fatty bits of whatever was roasted be it lamb or beef. Just for taste, you understand, and just a small piece.

Then there was Dessert. It was the desserts that might be my downfall. I never missed dessert and loved to try anything new once. If I liked them I would have them again the next time. But I always tried to balance it with fresh fruits as well. The guilt over a slice of cheesecake or tiramisu might be washed down with a fresh fruit juice or combination fruit salad. I thought balance is the key.

But I also like to nibble. Chocolates, all kinds of nuts and dried fruits. Mainly chocolates because these were easier to manage. Nuts would be soya coated with chilli (from Isetan) and dried fruits would be raisins and dates, or dried figs if available. Maybe I nibbled too much and did not realise it. It was and is a habit of mine to have a plate of nuts or munchies by my side whenever I read ( and I read a lot) or when I am on the computer. I felt that the goodness would go directly to my brains and helped me to concentrate, a habit I started since schooldays. I really need to assess this one out.

When I decided to leave my job exactly a year after my Mum's passing, I lived for a year or so in the Kampung. One of the best years in my life. I knew that I had eaten healthily during that period, as I was also supervising my Dad's diet. We ate foods that were grown or raised locally and organically from around the area. We had food that were pretty similar to what my Mum would have prepared for us if she were around. The maid soon picked up to prepare food the healhy way,ie low salt and oil, no MSG. Fruits were from our own trees and I know we did not use pesticides on the fruits (Durians, bananas, nona, rambutans,jambu,jackfruit, cempedak, langsat, mangoes,startfruit).

In KL on my own from mid 2006, I tended to eat out quite a lot as my mealtimes (lunch or dinner) often found me in town or away from home. Again, I would imagine I ate healthily. I would try out new places and would opt for healthy alternatives which include plenty of vegetables and proteins. But yet still, although I did consume a lot of fruits and vegetables, I was still a great, great fan of rich desserts and coffees(the various concoctions but always took them "skinny" ie with low fat milk). In other words the sweet tooth that I developed since my student days in England stayed with me and actually grew into sweet fangs! Dessert was always the part of the meal that I look forward to.

Based on what I had read on breast cancer, although there was no scientific evidence, it is possible that my sweet tooth and love for dairy products(butter cakes, ice-creams, rich cakes) and cheeses (also dairy)may have made me a prime candidate for cancer. It seems cancer cells (if you have them in your body) thrive on sugar.

Assuming that is true (and I am willing to assume anything reasonable to make sure the cancer does not recur), then I would really need to re-train my tastebuds. I need to wean myself from this ritual of heavy rich cakes and desserts, without which my meals will be incomplete. I am so lucky that Baking is not my forte. I don't have the patience and precision required for baking cakes and desserts. Otherwise it might have been worse! I gave up baking since my Domestic Science days in Form 2 resulted in Rock Buns which were really rock hard. Most of my classmates would remember that incident to this day.

So moving on, where Food is concerned, it would certainly do me good to try do the following:

-continue to eat healthily, organic where possible and as close to it's natural state as possible ie lightly cooked or raw. Learn to manage my cravings so that these will not be detrimental to my health.

-seriously retrain my system to just take fresh fruits and nuts for dessert, no more rich cakes and certainly no cakes for breakfast just because I see one staring at me first thing in the morning when I open the fridge. I will need to put a sticky on the fridge door to scare and remind me that this could be a life and death matter and that if it is not cancer,it could be diabetes, Na'u zubillah if I continue with my sweet tooth. I need to remind myself that I have just hit menopause and therefore my metabolism is now sluggish and not as efficient as before, so need to go easy on the sugars.

-Adopt juicing as a way of life, always,not in spurts. Get a new juicer that is easier to use and clean. Get fresh organice produce to juice.

-Continue to drink up a lot of pure water or green tea, at least 2 litres a day. Absolutely no coffee until after my treatment cycles are over as caffeine can be very dehydrating.

-Limit eating out. Eat freshly cooked food whenever possible and try not to re-heat leftovers in the microwave. And certainly not in plastic containers that might release dioxins which are unkind to body cell structure and can cause DNA damage. This in turn could lead to new cancers developing, and God forbid, metastising. Broccolli, Brussel Sprouts, Kacang Botol (cooked) are good news. And according to Prof Has, a very knowledgeable cancer survivor that I got to "know" in Blogosphere, Midin is good too. I need to figure out where I can get this.

-Ensure adeqate supplements are taken as a program, not whenever I remember. The Multi-vites, calcium are a must. Get updated on what else is good to boost my health - antioxidants, immune-boosters and other supplements that have been proven to be good at fighting cancer or keeping cancer at bay. Especially after my last chemo, I will need to really help my body to repair itself and then aspire to keep it strong with the right nutrients.

-Snack if I must, but make it healthy fruits, dried fruits and nuts. The Quran says good things about olives, dates, pomegranate and honey. Health Food stores stock up on these items and even have them in juice form (dates,pomegranate). Cranberries are also supposed to be good and taste quite nice too. All kinds of nuts, yes, but in moderation.

And I must keep myself abreast ( what a funny word to use in this present context) with the latest in what-to-eat-if-you-have-cancer. I must also educate others close to me and whom I socialise with to eat as though they have cancer-so that they don't have cancer. Prevention is always better than cure. I hope everyone will practice what they know about healthy eating and not just read about it to be postponed to another day. Time and Cancer wait for no man. I should know.

Insya Allah, God willing, if I keep up the fight by fortifying myself with the right foods, and avoiding all known carcinogens, my body cells will be well protected that they will not be forced to mutate or suffer DNA damage and hurt me in the process. I take care of them, they will take care of me.

Insya Allah, I will try my best and give it my all. And I seek God's blessings as it is God who will determine where I go from here. Amin.