Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Wilted flower of the "Fung Shui"(rt side)
( Image of flower when fresh lost with mobile!)

April 22 (Day 12 post-first chemo)

The painkiller following the booster shot has worn off by now, more than 24 hours after I had taken it yesterday. My spirit is willing but my muscles ache a little, so I stayed in. I am sure I am not imagining it but my ankles appear swollen, like what sometimes happen pre-menses when you get water retention. I took my temperature, it read 36.8 C, so I am not running any fever but felt out of sorts the whole day. I spent the day reading the Sunday papers and catching up with my emails.

Ijan went back to Melaka and tonight Kakak goes home to her own house. She will prepare some Lontong and kuah lodeh there so she can bring some tomorrow. Throughout the day I dutifully did 3 reps of the 10 sets of arm exercises based on the exercise sheet given to me by Ranjit Kaur, President of the Breast Cancer Welfare Society (BCWS). She paid me a visit me in hospital after being informed by the medical enter of my surgery. She herself is a Breast cancer survivor, after completing her treatments at least 9 years ago. These exercises will be with me for life as removal of my lymphnodes on the affected breast side may cause lymphoedema if I am not careful. Swollen arms will affect freedom of movement, so I will need to religiously keep up with the exercises( which I do either before or after each solat).

It's a waiting game now until the next cycle. I don't know why but up to now, I have not had a good look at myself in front of a full length mirror. Denial? Today I stood in front of the mirror and allowed myself the time to soak in the image in front of me. I have glanced down before this to look at my affected breast during showers but never a full frontal view infront of a mirror, in case I don't like what I see. Now that the surgery scar has healed(I must say the Surgeon did a brilliant job, just the finest of line, no bumps). I know I will not be seeing loose threads or clips, just healed flesh. (I have been known to faint when visiting a relative in hospital who had fresh accident wounds on his leg, so I did not want to take chances earlier).

Of course the left breast will look slighty different from my right one. So comparing my left to my right is like staring at the faces of 2 breeds of cat. The right (unaffected) one looks like a normal cat's face and the left (affected) one looks like the face of a persian, profile a bit flattened. The Surgeon told me it will fill up but may take some time.But it is still me, why should a missing lump change my perception of me. I am still the same person who started the year so enthusiastically because for the first time in my life, I did not have a list of New Year Resolutions. Therefore I will not have to account for breaking so many. Little did I know then that it was a very wise move as this episode in my life is something I was totally unprepared for but it must nevertheless take priority and precedence over all else.

When I look in the mirror, I see a girl with cropped hair smiling to herself, yet with some sadness in her eyes as if to question "could this be a dream?". This girl used to care for her body just like anyone else who treasure a healthy body and an even healthier mind. While holding a position in a multinational organisation, she did brisk morning walks in the park every morning without fail to prepare for the day's activities. Good food and nutrition with the right supplements to ensure adequate supply of vitamins and trace minerals. She is seldom sick, with very little downtime and is always on the beat. She seems happy enough and friends seek her out when they need some company to laugh and moan with.

What the mirror couldn't show me is what lies deep within her. It is just like staring at a stranger and I do not have a clue what she is really thinking or how deeply affected she is by all this. On the surface, she looks fine, normal. A mirror just provides a reflection, and often one sees what one wants to see anyway. I will still need to do the deep introspection that I promised to do in order to find what I did wrong that made me susceptible to this disease. While I was very enthusiastic about this analysis just hours before, the very thought rather frightens me now.

What will I discover when I look deep enough. Will I find out things that will make me like myself, or like myself less for bringing this upon myself? Will it be too late or will it be possible for me to take effective action? So many uncertainties in trying to be specific in addressing the cause of my lump. Tedious as it may be, I will need to peel the layers one by one until I get to the core.

As a Muslim, I have accepted this predicament and I am "redha" with all the challenges that God has determined for me. I also believe that God wants me to understand why I was thus inflicted and this "research" of mine is by no means a reluctance to accept what fate has brought my way. I just need to understand why, that's all, and then do something about it. I don't believe that the cure is just pouring chemicals into my body. It must be more than that. Or else why do relapses occur? To some, I may be over-analysing my situation. Why can't I just accept it and move on. But move on where? Back to square one? I need to know the cause so I can do something about it on top of the healthy diet and exercise prescribed by all the health consultants and books.

God willing, I do not want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. In the (God forbid) event that should the disease catch up with me again (na'u zubillah, minta selisih malaikat 44!) it will not be a big surprise. That I would know exactly where I went wrong. And knowing that will make acceptance that much easier to handle.

Insya Allah.