Balik Kampung......

May 31 (Day 8 of cycle 3)



It was very nice of my friend RJ to give me a ride to kampung. Our houses are just 20 minutes of easy drive apart, so it was very convenient. Packed with necessary items to manage the reflux/gastric episodes should they strike, I was set after telling Kakak she doesn't have to come over for the next few evenings.



It was a pleasant drive, we yakked and yakked and yakked even though we do meet up quite often. Wasn't it someone who said that once you are very sure of who you want to marry, go for a long drive with him and if you can keep conversation going for the entire trip, then it is a good omen/sign. Kalau conversation terputus after the first toll plaza or R&R area, then, think twice or 3 times....?!





We picked up my brother who was already waiting so that we could go for lunch and then visit my Dad at the private nursing home in Bt Baru.



The Tangga Batu that Nenek built and Mum and Dad kept "alive"...


It was nice to be home since the last time was in early March, pre-surgery.

It was soooo nice to see my babies who were clamouring for attention. Ijan my brother has certainly been busy managing the house and it's compound. My late mother would have been so very proud of him to see how this young man had taken charge and kept the house well maintained, better than any one of us elder siblings could have done in the present circumstances. I took the opportunity to take 10m Gaviston to quell the spasms slowly emerging during the ride, although I took bites of cream crackers, careful not to drop crumbs in RJ's car.

We decided to have lunch before going to the private Nursing home in Bt Baru to visit my dad. RJ introduced us to a lovely, airy, warung style restaurant at Cheng Heights/Malim for a nice buffet spread of gulai kampung and fresh, juicy Ikan bakar(all types!). It was good to be in Kampung but when you have to pantang chilli, it can be quite a torture, but a better torture than wrenching pains in your tummy and chest.

The gulai spread was tantalising-pucuk ubi masak lemak cili api, pucuk paku masak lemak cili api, ketam masak lemak cili api, ikan assam pedas, all kinds of sayur lemak and goreng, all kinds of ikan/ayam goreng, all kinds of ulam-ulam from the common to the bizarre, all kinds of ikan masin goreng, all kinds of sambal belacan, all kinds of ikan panggang with mouth-watering looking rd and kicap sauces! Just a look made my gastric juices flow....but Allah is great, there was also a chicken with pasta(yes, pasta-macaroni) soup with shredded vegetables, so that was my staple, and a whole ikan bakar to myself with another that we shared! Everyone at the place seemed to enjoy their food and I gathered from the main person there that they open everyday and all night, except on Sundays when they close for the evenings. Apparently they have another "warung" at the MITC in town. Thanks RJ for putting the place on our map!

After lunch we were ready to visit my Dad ( and dreaming of having a snooze there, we were so full up!) but had to stop by Tesco to grab a few things ( he likes his 3-1 coffee mix). We found him reading the papers when we got there and caught up on what's been happening. It was nice to see him full of "complaints", which means he, at 88, is still very alert, very much assured of his rights and woe to those who try to manipulate him. It is when he is very quiet and has nothing to say that I would worry for it means that something is definitely wrong! It seems no one had visited him since my last visit in March. Apparently the Home called up my eldest brother who was a U.Proff, about having a family member to take my Dad to the bank for money to pay the home. In true tai-chi style, the home was told that as he is 67 years old, he is to weak to travel from KL to Melaka to do that for my father and can the home arrange for someone else to do it. Hmmmmmm.

Musn't dwell on things that can aggravate my gastric. I want to get better and must get better. To cut a long story short, RJ, my brother and I took my Dad out to paint the town at Bt Baru red. First it was to the bank, to get his money out. Then to a grocery shop to get a padlock. Finally we stopped by Bt Baru Corner Cafe, a Mamak shop for teh tarik, as it was teatime. My dad enjoyed it as it served his favourite Mamak food, Thosai! Lovely mamak food, a paper thosai, rawa thosai, masala thosai, roti canai and 4 drinks (tek tarik and warm milo) plus a small curry mutton cost 11.70??? I reflected upon that and suddenly remember why I love living in Melaka, as the ringgit can really stretch with no compromise in quality.....why did I ever move back to KL??

I broke the news about the true nature of my illness to my dad and he looked stumped. I hope he will not lose sleep over it as he had when I had my surgery. I wanted him to know just in case. Cancer is a life threatening disease and anything can happen and I don't want to go before him without him knowing why. He just asked if I have a maid to help around and I told him it is in the process. He appeared to recover when he started talking about starting a small dragonfruit plot.....at 88 and with a chronic heart and bladder problem, mentally he seems to have more oomph than people younger than him. Now if he has the body of a 30 year old.....or a 67 year old for that matter...

We left the home by 6 and RJ dropped my brother and I before going on home to join her son and family. I have known RJ since my last 6 years of working in the same MNC, and she is a blessing as a friend. I can only pray that God will shower her with all His blessings in this world and the hereafter. RJ if you are reading this, jangan kembang ye.....and thank you so much for all your help today.

Dinner for me was the Bubur Gastric I packed from KL, and my brother had his mutton curry with hot rice and lots of salads. Will post about my re-union with my babies....a whole write-up on its own right.....and I forgot all about gastric, refluxes, cramps and spasms when they are with me........even though the cramps are wrenching my tummy.....!

Bubur Gastric.....

May 30 (Day 7 of Cycle 3)

Scene 1, Act 1:

At home, I was grovelling in pain. I woke up at 4 am with a fresh wave of nausea and spasms in my tummy. And burping too loudly for 4 am in the morning.

Kakak: Adek, masih sakit ke? Kakak buat air halia lagi, ya?

Me: Ok, aduuh....macam ni hari ni saya mesti jumpa doctor.

Kakak: Pergi lah, ambil ubat. Mungkin kurang sakit nya nanti.

Me: Tapi saya takut doctor marah nanti kalau dia tahu saya makan laksa hari tu.

Kakak: Adek mesti beritahu, jangan bohong, nanti di beri salah ubat.

Me: Ok, Ok lah....nak marah marah lah.

Scene 2 , Act 1

At the Medical Center. I was contorted in pain in the Onco Reception waiting for my turn, and burping every few seconds. A big crowd today but everyone else looked sickly as well, except they were all politely silent.

Nurse at Reception: You still have gastric since that day , is it?

Me: Ya, lah. It comes and go. It is back this morning.

Nurse from Chemo Ward: Kak Azmi ada booster ke today?

Me: No, sakit gastric.

Nurse: Oh, don't worry , nanti doctor kasi Nexium.

Me: Nexium tu apa?

Nurse: For gastric .

Me: Can I get take some first while waiting for my turn?

Nurse: Hmm, doctor has to see you first.

Scene 3 , Act 1

In Doctor's office

90 minutes of pain disguised with strained smile to whomever passed by. Finally, my name was called.

Onco: Morning, how are you?

Me: "Morning, Dr, I am not fine....I haven't been fine since this morning...

Onco: What's wrong?

Me: Tummy cramps, very sharp and persistent. Nausea.

Onco: Nausea? Still? Cramps where exactly? Come, let me examine you.

Onco/Nurse/Me moved to he examination area. Onco examined and pressed tummy and below ribcage ( very hard, bloated and full of air). I burped. Many times and very freely and loudly.

Me: Ooops,sorry, doctor. Angin.

Onco: Hmm, I think it is gastric. Let's get back to the table.

Onco: When did this start?

Me: Since Sunday and has continued on and off since then.

Onco: Hmm, you had your Chemo when - Thursday?

Me: Yes....

Onco: Hmm, you are still nauseous since Thursday?

Me: I was quite okay until Sunday.

Onco: Have you been eating well?

Me: Errr...(pause and look around at pictures and floral baskets on the shelves in Onco's room)....yes but last night and today no appetite pulak.

Onco: What have you been eating? Anything spicy?

Me: Errr ...( now really don't know where else to look, so look at Onco's face)...

.....not too spicy...just to work up an appetite...

Onco: What did you eat? Kari?

Me: Yes, kari a bit....and (trying to mumble through this)...assam laksa...(whisper)

Onco: What, Assam Laksa? When?

Me: On Sunday.....but it wasn't too spicy, masam sikit aje.

Onco: ...Hmm, when will I be seeing you next? In 2 weeks? Okay...no assam laksa, no sambal, no chilli, no spicy food until then and we will see what happens. In the meantime, I am giving you Nexium daily for 2 weeks every morning and during the day Liquid Gaviscon. Make sure at least 1 hr interval after Nexium, before you take Gaviscon...okay, you have to jaga makan sikit.

Me: No spicy, no chilli, no sambal, no laksa....what can I eat, doctor?

Onco: Porridge.

Scene 4, Act 1

I got home with some beef to be turned into porridge. Stewed the beef slowly so that all the goodness seeped out into the broth. Kakak came in at about 6.30pm

Kakak: Sudah dapat ubat , Adek? Doktor cakap apa?

Me: Sudah, dua jenis. Mahal. Pasal Laksa 2 ringgit ubat beratus .....Gastric

Kakak: Itu lah, kalau doctor suruh pantang memang elok pantang. Hari ini nak makan apa?

Me: Bubur.

Kakak: Boleh lalu makan bubur?

Me: Boleh....saya nak baik cepat. Esok nak balik kampung. Nanti saya ajar buat bubur segera.

An hour later, my friend who dropped by when the bubur was brewing and Kakak was stirring away, exclaimed that something smells delicious in the kitchen.

Friend: Sedapnye.....Bubur apa ni, macam mana Kakak buat?

Me: My recipe....ini bubur Gastric. ......saute garlic, shallot, ginger, black pepper. Add cubed beef and cubed potatoes. Add salt. Add washed rice, add beef broth and brew until mushy. Serve with steamed vegetables (carrots, brocolli, peas). Absolutely no chillis. Yummy and easy on the tummy.

p.s-saving bubur lambuk for special occasions when more people can enjoy the labour of love and the 1001 ingredients.

This about "summed" up the day in between running errands that need to be done before June 3 in KL and solving the mystery of the burps and bumps in my tummy and digestive tract. Despite cramps was zooming about in Bangsar area and scaring the living daylights out of some people who saw me squirming in the supermarket aisles so much so, one person helped to push my trolley to the car and unloaded the stuff into my trunk. Chivalry is very much alive too.....I almost tipped the fella....

The medication hasn't taken effect yet, and at time of writing am still feeling bloated and still experiencing spasms in my tummy. Hopefully by tomorrow morning the Bubur Gastric and Nexium will show results....

Still Feeling Bloated....

May 29 (Day 6 of cycle 3)

I did not manage a full night's sleep and woke up quite early to sit up in bed. The cramps had lessened somewhat but I was still experiencing a very bloated feeling in my tummy and it felt uncomfortable lying down so I had to sit up and lean back against my headboard. I remained in that position until I heard Kakak waking up and going about her normal chores.


I had some oats and milo for breakfast and later sipped the hot ginger infusion again. The spasms had ceased but the bloated feeling persisted. I decided not to go to the doctor's as it felt manageable and I wasn't feeling as bad as before. I had absolutely no appetite for lunch and could only managed a few pieces of cream crackers and warm Milo. And a few cubes of papaya. Just when I was supposed to eat really well my appetite and common sense had taken leave of me. I have not been drinking my 8 glasses as the sight of plain water really put me off. How strange.


I had to coax myself to drink ginger flavoured warm water, at least the warm ginger taste disguised the cold, unfriendly and undescribeable taste of plain water. Insya Allah, I was able to sip a few glasses of the stuff and my system managed to flush it out throughout the day. I felt tired and solat was sitting down.


Other than fruits, I did not take in any green vegetables or any other colored vegetables for that matter today. My appetite really went haywire, such a contrast to the cravings of the earlier few days. I was going to have a banana and some mangosteens, but only managed to stare hard at them and ended up giving the banana in little pieces to the neighbourhood squirrels that sometimes popped by to pinch Blackie's Whiskas.


I really felt tired throughout the day, I can't even write a card!. I now remembered that my Oncologist was going to give me something to boost my appetite that day, but I had mentioned that I didn't need any help with appetite. I guess he saw it coming. My favourite food doesn't turn me on now and the worst part is I am not even craving to eat anything and I now have to try and force myself to eat. So it will be back to substitute food ie Ensure. Just the thought of having to sip that creamy rich stuff is torture although I should be grateful that it will be a very easy and effective way to boost up my nutrient intake.


I thought of one of my chemo buddies who runs a restaurant. I wonder how she is managing if she had to be in the restaurant for pr purposes and then feels a sudden repulsion to all the lovely food that she had lovingly planned for the day. I am sure she will be able to work her way through that.


Deep breath. More deep breath. Perhaps just 1 or 2 more days of this bloated feeling. I can only imagine eating a burger for dinner and nothing else. If I can't manage even that, then it will be another glass of Ensure and more Milo and crackers. The burping continues. Toh, my left neighbour dropped by to see how I was getting on as he (and wife) hadn't seen me walking for the morning papers today and yesterday. He says it is good that I have put on some weight (Ya Allah, here we go again!) because he thinks that it makes the body stronger to withstand the side effects. He says to beep him if I need any help, any help at all. For a very private couple, that was very sweet of him and his wife.


I am trying to have an early night to catch up on last night's restless sleep. I wasn't able to have a nap in the day time. For 2 reasons - I didn't try hard enough incase I am not able to sleep tonight and also , it was too warm a day and I did not feel like being in the bedroom with the AC on during the day. That would have definitely made me feel like an invalid. Besides, when I was just about to have a quick 40 winks, Blackie and somebody's grey cat "bersilat" near my front gate and caused such a din, and I had to calm him down after that.


When Kakak came back had made me another magic infusion of ginger and gula melaka to sip before bedtime. She says it will also help with any muscular aches and pains as I have been lying around and not moving about too much. Even my arms are beginning to feel bloated due to much lying down. Insya Allah, tomorrow is a better day and I will go shopping for melons and stuff to release all these retained water and toxins. I got a few sharp tips from my blog buddies and I certainly will test them out.


If I still feel the slightest touch of bloating and nausea tomorrow ( and hopefully the spasms and cramps are gone for good for this cycle at least!), I will certainly need to check with the doctor as I should start feeling good on the 7th day. Then it is back to working on my WBC in time for the next in interim FBC.

It is possibly gastritis.......

May 28 (Day 5 of cycle 3)

Terrible day but at least I was forced to rest.


The discomfort in my tummy and the bloated feeling stayed with me all day. As much as I tried to ignore the feeling, I was unable to do much else to distract myself. Kind of hard to relax when I felt as though there were huge angular bubbles ready to erupt from my body. I have read that the chemo drugs can affect the lining of the digestive system and gastritis is a possible side effect.


That's the whole day gone as I cannot see myself going out to manage the errands that I had planned for the day. I was lucky that I was able to have a good shower and felt a little refreshed although the discomfort forced me to stay put on the sofa. Spent much of the day trying to rest, then got up to sort out some personal filing.


It was a really restless day, and I can hear every tick-tock of the clocks around the house and the sound of water dripping from the gutter. I couldn't read much, and jumped from one book to another. I had saved the special NST feature on The Pak Chik Sailors (in the UK)by Kak Teh from yesterday's paper and settled down to read that. I take my hat off to those Pak Chiks and, especially to Kak Teh for her ingenuity in covering their stories. The article made me sad though, how do they feel about being away when the country is about to celebrate 50 years of independence, can they or will they be back here?


My Oncologist wasn't at the Medical center when I called so I consulted the doctor who was standing in for him today. The doctor informed me that I should not feel too nauseous on the 5 th day due to the chemo drugs, and he guessed that it might be gastritis. He agreed that I should try munching some cream crackers and try to release the flatulence. Of course I dared not tell him of the Assam Laksa that I had the day before, which in retrospect could have given me an acid stomach. I was to turn up at the medical center if the discomfort continues tomorrow so that he can prescribe some relief but in the meantime did not suggest that I try anything at home.


I had like 10 errands to do today so they remained on the 'to-do' list for the time being while I sat like a contorted, bloated and bald Cleopatra on the sofa. When Kakak came home, she prepared a hot ginger and gula batu infusion for me to sip slowly and it did seem to help soothe the bloated feeling. I had to rub Minyak Cap Kapak on my temples, behind my neck and on my tummy and just below my rib cage. I should have thought of the Minyak Cap Kapak (MCK)earlier! The kids in our family grew up on that. My late Mum always had that in her bag and everything from a mild mosquito bite to a severe sprain could smoothly be healed when she rubbed some MCK on the problem spot. Even my niece Jannah, looks for MCK whenever she gets bitten by mosquitoes when back on a holiday in Malaysia.


I did not have any appetite for dinner due to the spasms and "memulas-mulas" feeling in my tummy, so I told Kakak that she does not have to prepare any food for me. SM, who dropped by to return a book, suggested that I should at least have a Milo and some cream crackers to help fill up my tummy and reduce the acidity, so I had that instead of a proper meal. I continued to burp a lot, and it made me wonder where all the gas is coming from since I hadn't eaten much at all today.


This is yet one of the down moments, which I know will pass and tomorrow I will look back on today and think "what a fuss for nothing". I certainly hope so. It didn't help that no one has visited my dad since I started my chemo, so I really must feel good very quickly so that I can pay him a visit soon. I have yet to inform him of the real nature of my illness. I will need to do so in a way that will not scare or worry him unnecessarily as I think he may feel a bit lost if he is aware that I am not as readily available as before.

A Truly Different Experience

My Boy Troy thinks to himself: "Poor, poor Milla...she has no mummy. She is actively visualising that she is suckling milk from her mama and she forgets that I was once a male cat and Mama Mi had me castrated so I won't wander far and get into fights and cross roads and get knocked down! Well, whatever....at least she is not eating all kinds of things and getting herself into trouble like Mama Mi.....poor Mama Mi, I know how she loves her food and this experience is truly a challenge to her.......I hope Mama Mi will do as Milla does, visualise and visualise whenever the craving hits her so that her diet is not messed up. I am not there to comfort her....alas....".



Milla suckling Troy.........poor but clever thing!

May 27 (Day 4 of cycle 3)

It was a lovely Sunday morning and I enjoyed the walk to get the Sunday papers. Interesting article highlighting the importance of preparing for retirement in Malaysia, in view of escalating medical costs (15% per year?!) and of course inflation which will erode future purchasing power. In the current rat race where folks seem to enjoy flaunting what they can have NOW vs what they are prepared to set aside for retirement and rainy days , it is scary to imagine how things will work out a few years from now. But I digress, I am supposed to jot down my terrible experience on Day 4, really, truly different from what I had experienced in previous cycles, but I guess I only have myself to blame.

In the morning, I told Kakak I am tired of oats and what the books tell me to eat. My nausea was creeping up again and I had a sudden inspiration to have Nasi Goreng Kampung for breakfast. Just the thought of that made me feel wholesome and reminded me of the times when the whole family, gathered in our Melaka family home would be having a "kenduri-type" breakfast where there would be everything under the sun as everyone was there. Usually this would be post Hari Raya. There would be Nasi Goreng, Bread with an assortment of spreads, and the person who would have been charged with getting the morning papers would come back with roti canai, kueh2 kampung (Abuk-Abuk, Kueh Bakar and Apom with shredded coconut). The adults will be at the long table and the kids will be spread out seated on a few tikar (mats) that we would spread out for them. It was a real party.

So it was that I had a lovely Nasi Goreng Kampung for breakfast, then the fruits (persimmon, apple and banana) and ovaltine. I added in a 15ml tablespoon of Scott's Emulsion of Cod Liver Oil as I was beginning to spot a cough and found myself sneezing a little. That was fine. The Gardener came by to sort out the grass and weeds and trim the bougainvilla shrub by the gate. I asked him to prepare a small square patch which is going to be my herb and vegetable patch, in due time, Insya Allah. I was already imagining the ulam-ulam which will prosper there, lovingly nurtured by me and hopefully Blackie the cat will not mess it up.

I spent the entire morning reading and recovering from the day before and mentally planning the week ahead , in between managing the nausea. So far so good, I managed not to be sick. Kakak left to meet up with her relatives and SM joined me for lunch. She brought Roti Jala and chicken curry and Beriani with Kuzi Ayam, and some mini cupcakes with butter icing. Too good to resist. Post-chemo, I can tolerate most of anything except for fish. So, Lunch was again rice-Beriani and a roti jala with the accompanying curries. So unlike my "normal" lunch during my previous chemo cycles. More fruits for dessert plus a cupcake with hot green tea while we scoured the Sunday papers for gossips.

I got updated on the get-together at Pak Long's house the night before. Lots of interesting bits that I cannot include in this blog so it looked like I missed a great evening. However, the way I was feeling last night, it would have been difficult for me to cope as it seems quite a number of the guests had a touch of the weather and were seen coughing and sneezing. Certainly not wise for me to be mingling among them. Infact, Mak Long had to see a doctor this morning as she managed to catch the bug and needed some medical relief.

After Asar, SM agreed to drive me to Bangsar as I had a sudden craving for Assam Laksa. I know the main ingredient in the gravy is fish which should make me go yucks, but strangely this time, I needed the tangy taste of the gravy to probably cleanse my somewhat greasy system by then. So , tired as I was, nausea and all, we found ourselves in Bangsar and bought Assam Laksa with lots of vegetable trimmings (pineapple, cucumber, chili, onion and mint leaves).

I did not do much grocery shopping this time as there are still tons of stuff at home and I plan to make a trip to Melaka one of these days with my nephews as the school holidays has started. I received a letter from my Dad who wanted me to visit and the timing is great what with the arrival of the new maid and all. So, hopefully I will be able to spend a week or so in Melaka post- booster, just like the good old days. I also look forward to being with my babies. Cuddling them, indulging them.....

By the time SM dropped me home, the nausea crept up in full force and I had to rest and stabilise myself for quite some time on the sofa. There was no more medication to be taken by now, as all the prescriptions had been used up, except for the anti-constipation syrup. This syrup I would take last thing at night and the medication was on my night stand so I will not forget.

I had to rest for a long time on the sofa as not only was I feeling the nausea, but there was a strange feeling of discomfort originating from below my ribcage. And I found myself full of gas and was burping from both ends. It was so uncomfortable . It felt like my stomach or intestines had a few live creepy crawlies inside trying to get out and were wrestling with each other in the process, and me burping loud burps which helped to relieve the congested feeling in my stomach. I felt as though the whole neighbourhood could hear the sounds that I was expelling. So, so , unlady like of me. It might have been stomach cramps due to the assortment of spicy food I had consumed during the day, or it could be due to the stress of walking around when I should be resting, I will never know.

To cut a long story short, I spent the whole night sitting up in bed later, fighting the spasms in my stomach and trying hard not to throw up. I couldn't sleep a wink, for the first time ever, and I couldn't do much of anything else because any movement would set off a series of spasms in my stomach/intestines which would take a long time to settle, and then only to start again with the slightest provocation. Was I scared, yes. I was too stumped to do anything else other than pray that I would get out of it soon and that whatever happens, I mustn't be sick and mess up the bed.

During this lonely adventure, I heard the sms-beeps from my mobile but couldn't inch my way to grab the phone to read the messages. I guessed right as I found out later they were from my sister in the UK, asking how I was coping and if I am serious about going to Bali to celebrate my birthday which would coincide with my 5th chemo cycle. Aah..the thought of Bali, the beach, the Ubud sights and scenery and just the holiday feel helped to sooth my frayed nerves. However, it took quite a long while before I was able to get out of bed and be upright instead of reclining with my chin up and me practicing deep breathing with each wave of nausea and spasm.

I will call my doctor to find out what could be the cause of this incident. At the time of writing this (early morning of May 28) the feeling is still there, feeling bloated, full of gas and generally uncomfortable. Of course I will have to tell him what I had been up to and what I had been eating, I guess. And he would probably tell me "Serves you right, I said no spicy, greasy food!" How embarassing.

But it is a lesson learnt. I know that the medications and the lack of activities due to fatigue will cause my sytem to be sluggish and retain water, so I am not helping any if I do not stick to some of the dietary rules. I had been good with the diet during the first 2 cycles, but because the 2 cycles went relatively well and I was able to cope, I might have gotten over-confident and foolishly stretched my own limits and it had backfired. I am now paying for it and probably have to stay in all day today to get my system in order and try to recoup my energy.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku, please give me the strength to remain focussed. If I can be slightly arrogant and stretch myself unnecessarily while I am still under treatment, what will I be like when I think that I have all the treatment completed. That I am invincible? Please, don't ever let me be that overconfident and foolishly call it being positive. I realise that I do need to feel helpless every now and then so that I can look towards You to keep me guided. And that while it is never a good thing to limit one's self and one's ability , it is always the right thing to do everything in moderation. And to believe that You are always there to push us in the right direction when we seek your guidance towards the right direction.

I got out of bed and found that Kakak, in all her good intentions ( she must have thought that I might face another bout of constipation) had left a container of Nasi Lemak with her special sambal and some cut papayas on the patio table, for my breakfast today (May 27).

What shall I do with it....my stomach is still churning and the spasms are still happening. It is moments like this that I sometimes find myself asking the question how did I get to this. The Almighty has all the answers and the answers will be revealed to me as I go through this journey, Insya Allah.

Up, Up and then Down, Flat Down!

May 26 (Day 3 of cycle 3)

I know I am not perfect. Although it is comforting to know that no one is perfect, I can't help feeling let down when I couldn't accomplish what I had set out to do today, not all that is.


There was a list of things to be done but some can wait for next week. I reserved today's time and energy for activities that can't wait - like joining the MPH Breakfast Club meet at BV2, The Readings session at Seksan Bangsar, and after Maghrib, Pak Long & Mak Long's extended family dinner in Damansara Heights as a send off for his son-in-law who will be assigned to Dubai by Schlumberger. I mustered enough strength despite the static nausea (not rumbling, thank God) and told myself, these will be my activities for today.


I got up as normal, bowel movement was okay (must be the syrup) and I had so much energy I decided to run the wash and hung up the pieces on the line. Nothing like sun-dried clothes vs the machine dried ones. I had 2 2-minute boiled eggs with wholemeal toast and 1/2mug of ovaltine, and RJ came to pick me up to go to the MPH meet.


We were lucky that although we were late, we managed to catch Lee Su Kim who was the first guest author, talking about her books and her experience in getting published. It is a small world, her late husband and I were working for the same multinational company. Her latest book "A Nyonya In Texas" is fun and that must have been compiled while she accompanied him on his Houston assignment. She is an English Lecturer and has written a few books prior to this one. The second guest author is David Byck, a yankee married to a Malaysian and who feels Malaysian. His book "It is a LONG WAY to the Floor" is about personal change and he had accomplished this through his involvement in yoga and how the practice influenced his mental, physical and spiritual strength. Exactly what I needed right now. I enjoyed the sessions tremendously and after the talks, we mingled and helped ourselves to a generous spread of snacks and coffee/tea. Bumped into familiar faces-Chet, Yolande and Eric, who were at the only session I had been to prior to this.


RJ was quite worried for me and suggested that she sent me home after lunch at BV1, but I felt that since I am already out and about and no sign of fatigue other than a slight nausea, I reassured her that it was still fine to hop on to the next event, the Readings at Seksan. So there we were at this Studio-Bungalow, creatively structured with a back-to-nature feel right smack in the middle of Bangsar. There was even a "jaga" bed, that just in case the unthinkable happened and I had to lie down, we did not have to improvise at all! To be honest, by that time, the fatigue and nausea were making their presence felt, but I kept sucking on preserved ginger to settle the queasy feelings. It helped some.


If I was at home, I would probably be lying down and listening to some chill-out music. I would not have been able to read much or write as the printed words would give me a headache. So it was just perfect that I could lean back, closed my eyes and listened to the 6 guest readers for the day . Balan Moses read a few chapters from his Brickfield's memoir and it made me crave for Mee Goreng Mamak! Fay, Nora Adam, Nicholas Wong, Bernice Chauly and Wong Phui Nam were so inspiring with their creations that one can't help feeling so proud to be among so much talent that day. I can only hope that these sessions would continue thanks to the dedicated effort of Bernice Chauly and Sharon Bakar, who are fond names among the literary crowd in KL. I finished a whole bag of preserved ginger during the session and managed not to create a scene which would not have been on the agenda!


By the time RJ dropped me home, I realised I was quite pooped. After a quick shower, I fed Blackie the neighbourhood stray who adopted me, as he was already waiting for his feed by my porch. The sudden slow down in activities actually slowed me down and suddenly the fatigue just set in. I realised then that there is no way I could be in a social setting of 100 without drawing undue attention to myself should I feel sick or turn pale.


So despite much planning, and what I thought was energy conservation for the day , I was only able to accomplish 2 out of my 3 planned activities. I heeded what my doctor said, it's all in the mind, go ahead and do whatever you feel like doing while your energy lasts and forget the "what ifs". If the "what ifs" happen, then deal with it. So I had to make the unfortunate decision not to be at Pak Long's send-off dinner and I know they understood. As it turned out the family dispersed by about 2 am (!!!) and SM will send over some roti jala and beriani to today.


Well, 2 out of 3 wasn't too bad, compared to being flat out for almost 10 days during the last cycle. And hopefully this time, my car will not wander on it's own after I switch off the ignition and engage the handbrake!





Ashley the Cat says: "Tch, tch , tch Mama Mi......I know you are getting bigger but you are not The Incredible Hulk, you know....take it easy. Now if I had eavesdropped properly, I heard you are planning to go to Ikea to buy a bed for the spare room as your new maid is arriving....are you sure you are ready to go shopping in a crowd???? Huh? Just do one activity a day during your first week, and be a good girl and catch up on all these books that have been piling in the shelves...Remember you want to be fit for June 2's Relay For Life at Bukit Jalil, don't you. You want to be there to meet all the brave cancer survivors and their care-givers and volunteers. So take it easy, Mama Mi.........mwah...

3rd Cycle-A different experience & approach

May 25 (Day 2 of cyle 3)

Day 1 of cycle 3 (when I went to get my chemo done)was mostly spent in the ward of the medical center. It was about 9 pm by the time I reached home and was kind of exhausted after the whole day's activities. So this account will be a combined account of what happened on May 24 and 25. Whatever I can recall that is. I should have brought my laptop to the ward but didn't anticipate that I will be warded for that long.



Picture: Of Kuching Beach in July 2006 when I was there to join the much talked about Rainforest World Music Festival. A beautiful experience of live music, a truly universal language enjoyed by all, young & old, all citizens of the world. I only have pleasant thoughts of my visit there and that's one of my favourite visualisation exercises, being in the ancient rainforest, at peace with nature and forgetting about the sometimes crazy world outside of the soothing green enclave....intoxicating. Champs Elysees, The Lake District may have their charms, but our very own "olde world charms" at our doorsteps are there to be discovered and savoured, and sadly often overlooked as we aimed for the horizon....


May 24 (Day 1 of chemo)

I did my FBC at 9.30 and results was out about an hour later. Although the wbc is 5.4 (an improvement over the interim done on May 11 which was 2.4) but a slight decline vs the 2nd prechemo count on May 3 which registered at 6.4. Hmmm, I will need to try and get back to at least 6.4 for the next one.

My review with my Onco DDIW went very well. He prescribed a pre-chemo injection of Kytril and Dexa ( the steroids) to take care of the early onset of nausea, but suggested I continue with Emend for 3 days to manage the later stage nausea (the 5 days post chemo). He also prescribed the 8 dexa tablets per day for the first 3 days plus 4 sodium choride tablets per day to be taken on the days I take Emend as emend robs the body of salt. I probably had not increased my intake as much as I should during the last cycle (not used to taking too salty foods). And the best part, to address the constipation, he prescribed a nice tasting syrup Duphalec syrup with Lactulose np that I have to take for the first 5 nights (20 ml) whether or not I am constipated. I felt better already just as he was prescribing those medications. For the extended fatigue, he advised to continue with my own multivites (Centrum) and will administer by drip some additional dosage of vitamins prior to the chemo.


As the chemo day care lounge was full of patients, I decided to get myself admitted for half a day so that whatever is required to be done pre chemo can be done in the ward (like the vitamin infusion). Besides, I noticed some of the waiting family members were happily sneezing and coughing away in the guest waiting area which is just in the far corner. It doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to think of the millions of virus and germs that might be floating in the air and I mentioned that to the onco nurse.


I decided to have my lunch before settling in the ward to wait for my Vitamin infusion. I had a long wait to 3 pm before it was my turn. It was a double room and my ward-mate is a Medical Officer from the new Ampang GH who suffered from a slipped disc, getting out of bed, 2 mornings ago! Poor thing, she was in such pain that momentarily a question popped in my mind-who is in a "better" situation? She or I? I believe yet again, that these are challenges dished out by the Almighty to remind us of pain, an opportunity to take a break from our normal daily routine to enable us time to reflect on whatever it is in our life that requires reflection but we are sometimes too busy to take even a minute to do it.


The Vitamin infusion was completed by 2 pm, and half an hour later a nurse came to wheel me to the Chemo ward. As I could walk ( I was feeling fine) I declined the wheel chair. At 2.30 the pre-chemo infusion of Kytril and dexa(the "tingling" injection) was administered and I was also given the first Emend tablet orally. Half an hour later, the all too familiar FEC/CEF WMD routine started again.


I must admit, the sight of the cup of ice-cubes ( and even writing about it now) made my stomach turn. Yuck and double yuck. It is the mind and the association with the post chemo nausea that turned my stomach. I had to close my eyes and while sucking ice, imagined myself at Kucing Beach, The Holiday Inn at Santubong, lovely chalets and beach with fine sand and I am on a beach chair with a good book, a cool ice lemon tea and the sea breeze caressing my face and hair ( until I remembered I had none left!).


By 5 pm, we were done and I was wheeled to my ward. This time I needed the wheel chair as any jolting movements might set of a wave of nausea. I rested in the room chatting with my room mate who was still quite groggy over the painkillers that she had to take to mitigate the piercing pain in her spine. My tea of Milo and blackbean pau was waiting, so I tried to eat that and managed to consume it without too much dificulty. The challenge from now on is to eat and retain what I eat.


I was confident that if I can fight the nausea, insya Allah, the food will not be expelled, and I need to eat. Never mind that the weighing in session prior to consultation with DDIW showed yet another kg increase in my weight! 1 kg between each chemo cycle means by the time I complete all 6 cycles , I would be plus 6 kgs compared to the time I started. Gee Wheeze. Focus on treatment should be my prime objective and I will trim the chemo-gain once the last cycle is completed. The slowing down of activities is a major contributor I think plus the good appetite soon after the booster period when nausea would be unknown.


My friend RJ offered to pick me up from the Medical Center and take me home and it was kind of her to stay over to keep me company. We also had a bit to catch up on, so by 8.30 I was home, with Kakak waiting to get in. We had a late dinner, and of course as expected I couldn't eat. Just managed the soup and a few chunks of carrots. If I take just a wee morsel more I knew I would be sick and throw up. So much for Kytril and whatever.


I settled myself on the living room sofa and chatted with RJ as I didn't feellike climbing the stairs yet without feeling seasick. I got a shocking piece of news when a friend called to tell me that our common friend broke her leg just 2 weeks after her retirement! Oh dear, oh dear.....she is too nice to have this kind of thing happening to her but the Almighty has all this as part of his Masterplan, so there will be some hikmah in it. I was determined that nausea or not, if RJ is game, we would visit her the next day to hear the full story and how come she did not inform us of what happened.


I slept quite well ( thank God so far, sleep has been good, no insomnia) except that I would fall asleep on the sofa and if I did, I should not be woken up until I wake up by myself and if I feel fine to be upright, I would find my way to the bedroom, step,by step climbing the stairs at 2 or 3am in the morning!


May 25 (Day 2 of Cycle 3)

After solat, I took Emend which had to be taken an hour before meals. RJ was already up and chatting with Kakak, who will be leaving for workplace by 7 am. We had breakfast, and I couldn't manage the oats and just had half a pretzel (plain, no spread) and ovaltine and some fruits....very slowly in between chats as I just couldn't get rid of the nausea, but need to line my tummy for the dexamethasone tablets and salt tablets to be taken after the meal.


We were about to get ready to go to the NCSM and to visit my friend SM who broke her leg when UZUN dropped by to see how I was getting on. She was on her way back from visiting her Mum's pusara at Kiara. We caught up on what's been happening, and before we knew it , we really had to rush to cross town before the Friday jam started. I also had a pleasant call from Syabas to inform me that their committee had approved the waiver of my excessive bill and that cured my nausea for the morning! They confirmed that I should be receiving a letter from them soon. Some battles are worth fighting for.....


We got to the NSCM at about 11.30 am and was trying to scout for Raden to find out how her session with Dr Sulaiman went. I couldn't spot anyone who looked like her blog-potrait, and when I checked with the officer next to Dr Sulaiman's office, I was told that she had left. I went to the Resource Center in case she might be up there with Adeline, but she wasn't. I did my registration for the June 2 Relay for Life event and left for Melawati to visit my friend.


I had carried a few plastic bags just in case I get sick, but fortunately was able to fight it. We had a light snack at SM' s place ( will write about the visit in my other blog, I am glad I went to visit her) and was home by 3 pm when RJ dropped me off and she went on home.


I surprised myself at dinner time by finishing what was on my plate! A typical dinner first few days of chemo would be a fried egg on rice because I couldn't swallow anything else. But tonight , I had rice, fried kacang botol, rendang hati ayam with long bean beans, gulai lemak telor ikan (which SNA brought with her when she and her son came to join us for dinner on her way back from her sister's house) and kari ayam! At this rate I may even put on 2 kg by my 4th chemo! Rule: No pantang during chemo other than what the doctor had listed as no-no.


Syukur Alhamdullillah no nasty retching dos today despite all the "activities" as I tried to practice leaning back and watching my breathing and visualised, visualised, and visualised whenever the urge presented itself. And syukur Alhamdullillah, I am halfway into the chemo regime, 3 down and only 3 to go, Insya Allah it will get better each time. Just need to keep the blood count maintained to enable treatment to proceed. It was unfortunate that one of my chemo buddies there couldn't proceed with hers as her wbc was low at 1.8 and had to go on boosters again and she will try again for Monday.


The nausea did sneak up on me before I was about to retire for the night, so I ended up on the sofa until 4 am, when I woke up and found my way slowly to my room, and remembered to take the anti-constipation syrup before I slept.

Tomorrow is D-Day for Cycle 3!

May 23 (Day 21 of Cycle 2)

Finally it is here.....the approach of another cycle (tomorrow). After 2 cycles, I should know what to expect in the next one, but then again as experienced recently, cycle 2 was rather different from cycle 1. The change in the anti-emetics(anti-nausea medication) made some difference so if I am thinking of requesting yet another change then I need to be prepared for new surprises. There will be a trade-off I suppose. If I do not want to be fatigued for too long, then there will be a price, and I wonder what it will be.
I really should not worry too much about it as I can ask my Oncolgist to explain fully the potential side effects if I were to change to Kytril.


I had my head shaved clean this evening. I forgot that Jeff's was closed today as Wednesday is his off-day. So while the enthusiasm was still high, I trooped over to the Barber Shop 3 streets away from my house. The guy was surprised to see me (and Kakak, who I brought along for moral support) and mentioned that he cuts hair for men only. When I explained to him that I didn't need a re-style but a clean shave, he looked initially surprised and later agreed. He was at the time, trimming the hair of a customer, who happened to be a Doctor with UMMC and knows Prof Yip and Dr Christina Ng there, and is also a neighbour of my Breast Surgeon at Pantai. Small world. He helped to explain to the Barber, why I looked like I did when I removed my cap!


My Boy Troy says: "Don't worry Mama Mi.....go ahead and shave your head clean. It will help cool you off whenever those hot flashes strike you......and of course them hair will grow back in good time. Remember when you had the Vet shave the fur from my legs when he wanted to treat my injury? See, I am all hairy again now........So, don't worry lah..."

I think I must have been the first female customer for the Barber . It was such a traumatic experience. For him. Not for me, as I had been planning and was therefore quite prepared to face the occasion. However, it takes more than preparedness and a thick skin to be brave enough to "tolerate" the gadget that he had to ply throughout my scalp. The buzzing and the sort of ticklish sensation when the tip of the electric shaver grazes over my scalp did give me the creeps. Each time he puts the shaver on my head, I yelped like a puppy. It took quite a number of "shaves" to smoothen my scalp, so he elicited as much yelps from me. I must have made him very nervous. The poor guy took it in his stride however, especially since he was being encouraged by the good doctor earlier that he will be doing me a good turn! And all that for RM 13. I didn't like the number 13 so I gave him 15.

It felt good! I felt extra clean and "pure"? No, maybe pure is not the right word, but what I see in the mirror now is just me, no frills, just plain old me with veins showing through my clean scalp and I discovered that I have some tahi lalat (moles) on the left side of my head! I think of the Tibetan nuns who walk around looking calm and serene without a strand of hair on their heads and wondered on their rationale for shaving their heads when committing themselves to their spiritual beliefs. They must feel as I am feeling now. It's a liberating feeling, and it is so calming. After having said all that, I seriously hope mine will grow back after all my chemo treatments are completed. I will get a mug shot of my clean look to keep for posterity. And may post one in my blog....if I dare.

Ya Allah, I hope my FBC will be good tomorrow so that I can proceed with the 3rd cycle. I have tried my best to eat well to get my blood count in order and I hope it will produce results as expected. I plan to get admitted for a day if I am trying out a new anti-emetic medication just in case the side-effects are unmanageable on my own. UZUN said she will pick me up to send me home whenever I am done with the chemo and discharged from the ward. Mentally I need to prepare myself and accept the fact that this will be another round of roller-coaster rides and I will experience similar down cycles in mood and energy levels before the up cycles can be enjoyed. I am just hoping that my system will cope well with yet another onslaught of FEC/CEF doses. Insya Allah.

p.s- I had a lovely meeting with Ena Samad for coffee this morning and appreciated her sharing with me on her experience with BC in her family. I am also now reminded that I need to check out how my friend JT is doing with her herbal treatment for BC. She has managed beautifully for the last 2 years and I am very happy for her. We are supposed to meet up at the upcoming Relay For Life, as she is also very keen to participate ( she runs everyday).

How Organic are our organic produce?

A section of the back-to-nature herb, vegetable and fruit plot just outside the kitchen door in the family home in Melaka, started by my late Mum, and still flourishing to this day.....

May 22 (Day 20 of cycle 2)

I heard some worrying news over the radio. It seems some pet food processed in the US have to be withdrawn as one of the ingredients used is contaminated wheat gluten from China. I really hope that it was due to a mishap and oversight and not intentional because businesses are cashing in on the fact that the animals know no better. What is happening in the world?

And what is even more worrying is the news also mentioned that the cancer rates for the Chinese population has increased by 19-23% (including in the rural areas) due to air and water pollution, and the uncontrolled use of forbidden pesticides and food additives. China used to be envied ( at least from the BC perspective) as not many of their woman suffer from BC. Only if they migrate to the West and adopt "western lifestyle" with regards to food and diet. I know that the Pasar Malam in Bangsar and some of our supermarkets stock up on really fresh vegetables from China, so it makes one wonder if those are really safe to eat.

It also brings to mind related questions like how organic are our organically grown vegetables. It is so easy to pack vegetables into plastic wraps that have the words "Organically Grown" on them. The next time I shop I must take a look at who is the certifying body that ensures that the vegetables are indeed organically grown. I mean if it is big business selling organic vegetables ( which cost a premium over "regular" pesticide-infested ones) it doesn't take an Agriculture graduate to pack "regular" vegetables into organic bags! If "ciplak" T-shirts and handbags can be easily churned out, why not ciplak vegetables if it means hefty profits?!

Ya Allah, I hope I will stop this train of thoughts...it is so scary, enough for me to start taking a cangkul and growing my own. In fact, that is what has been highly recommended by a friend of a friend who is a long time BC survivor ( 12 years and counting). She has been growing her own and does not buy commercially grown ones as she cannot afford to contaminate her food. So what is the rest of us waiting for?

She lives in a regular townhouse with a small patch of land and apparently that is enough to meet the needs of her small family ( hubby and son). Something that we all (even non BC types) need to consider if the authorities are not going to clamp on the indiscriminate use of prohibited pesticides and additives, and if there is no regulatory body certififying the authenthicity of our organic produce. It is no wonder that Proff Has has a vegetable and herb garden in her yard and on her balcony!

I must not dwell too much on these depressing news. But it really is so sad that people in the stone age and those living in the deepest heart of the jungles are eating better and healthier food than the more modern and urban of us. How and where do we start to improve on this? I suppose it is naive to wait for "the government" or "the authorities" to do something about this. Since it is for the good of our own body, so we have to do something about it ourselves.

I have been planning to start a vegetable and herb patch in my little backyard except that the ground gets really waterlogged whenever it rains so much that other than daun pandan and daun kaduk, nothing survives. My back neighbours have all decided to tile-up their backyards, so any excess water during heavy downpours will drain into my backyard and I have a temporary pond each time after it rains. It will require some work , perhaps to get a proper enclosure done to keep out the excess water from the neighbours' yards before I can start testing out my green thumb.

This is one of the many, many times that I miss living in Melaka where we take for granted the availability of land to plant something. My late Mum used to just stick some root or piece of stem into the ground and we will soon have them growing, what with the natural goodness that she nurtured and nourished them with - air beras, air ikan, coffee dregs and tea leaves and home made compost and tanah bakar.

Our banana plants, papayas, nona, jambu, pucuk ubi, serai,kunyit, kantan,lengkuas, tebu, belimbing buluh, belimbing besi, serai, cili padi, cili biasa, sambung nyawa, hempedu bumi, misai kucing are all really truly organic in that we do not use chemical fertilisers and sprays. And we hope the underground layers of soil are not contaminated as no one around us is operating any factories that might be discharging toxic wastes underground. In fact in the very old days, each house hold has their own private well and drinking water used to be fetched from those wells.

I was at the BV Organic store recently and was amazed at how much some of the "organic" bananas and papayas cost! RM 8 for a teeny weeny papaya and back home in Melaka , the birds help themselves to the ones we have on the trees as my brother is not too keen on papayas. Well, this is certainly food for thought. It is a viable business venture if only a proper certifying body exists to regulate it. I am sure there is but it is not very apparent to me other than the claims made by the farms themselves. And we know what that can mean sometimes, don't we.

The Countdown Begins....for Round 3

Book from my personal BC "Library": Prescription for Nutritional Healing-PA Balch/JF Balch
Comment: Very informative, covers all kinds of known diseases, as at year 2000.

May 21 (day 19 of cycle 2)

A new week, and soon a new cycle of treatment will begin. I am really enjoying my last few days of cycle 2 inter-chemo period as I feel so normal. I am gently reminded that I am under treatment when I wake up first thing each morning when it always felt like I have a golf or squash ball IN my armpit. The feeling will disappear when I get the circulation going after solat . I do my anti-lymphedema arm exercises then and also before my morning shower. I was advised that this feeling of lymph fluid/water retention in my left arm could remain with me for a lifetime or it may go away but it will take years, if at all.

It will be 3 days and 3 nights before cycle 3 of chemo on May 24. This time I may decide to get myself admitted for a day or 2 for observation if I were to try a new anti-nausea medication. A survivor friend mentioned Kytril(?) so I might check that out and inquire about the potential side effects. I cannot bear to go through Emend again as the constipation and fatigue was quite severe for me as these had lasted well into the end of the second week post chemo. She had Emend but she was fine(not too fatigued) except her doctor had to intervene to relieve her constipation. I was too bashful to go to the doctor for that and had relied on prune juice and Kakak's sambal nasi lemak!

As it turned out different people react differently even with the same medications/drugs. I still have a few strands of hair all over my head. My nails have not turned blue black yet. At the risk of sounding weird, I admit that I am strangely disappointed that my eyebrows and lashes and those few remaining hair are still intact. I had earlier imagined that my head/face would be totally hair-less by the end of cycle 2. The question "how come the drugs have not zapped all the hair?" popped up in my mind! I plan to get my head shaved really clean the day before I go for my 3rd chemo. My head looks like a pin-cushion now with a few short remaining hairs sticking out. If one is a friend, I could look cute. A detractor would probably say "Padan muka....rasa kan!".

My survivor friend TKL offered to be my "hairdresser" , as she had shaved her head herself a few years back when she was undergoing chemo. She did admit though that because she was using a manual multi-layered razor, she nicked her scalp in a couple of places. I will probably go to Jeff, my regular hairdresser at P. Damas if he has an electric razor( although I must admit I can't recall seeing him use it on any of his clients, male or female). If I feel extra adventurous, I might even give the local Barber ( a typical Barbershop with the blue/white/red neon lights on their shop banner)at Jalan 8 Sri Hartamas a try. Since this is not so much about a hairdo but rather a clean scalp, which they would excel in, judging by the shiny bald head of Saras, my neighbour's driver/personal bodyguard.

What I need to focus on from now on is a good, blood boosting diet and making sure I am not infected with anything so that I am in sound shape on the day of chemo. Last evening, I had stocked up on blood boosting dark green vegetables (broccoli, kacang botol, pucuk paku, purple spinach) and got some calf's liver, beef and beef bones from the BV Village Grocer and assortment of fruits ( with peels - honey mangoes, dragonfruits, bananas, papayas, and mangosteens). Absolutely no apple-guava, how could they....injecting prohibited green colouring to make the fruits appear fresh and appetising!(According to newspaper reports..)

I must admit in the last couple of days, because I felt normal , I ate "normal". Meaning I allowed myself to over-indulge a little when I went out with friends and threw caution to the wind when eyeing the Menus. I need to re-train myself to eat healthily and suitably for my situation as the tendency and temptation to eat otherwise "forbidden" foods is so great. Like last night, because I had imposed a "pantang" on seafood since my first operation in January, I had a serious and stressful craving for prawns. I always eat out on Sundays as Kakak goes home to her family after cleaning the house. My friend S and I had dinner in Bangsar and I ordered 2 huge prawns which were soooo yummy and which satisfied my craving. It is much better than buying a kilo and cooking them at home where most definitely I will have at least half a dozen.

From now on, it is back to plenty of broth, iron-rich foods (not supplements) and plenty of green vegetables and Insya Allah, the FBC on May 24th would signal the go ahead for my 3rd cycle. I look forward to reaching this half-way point. 3 down and 3 to go....Insya Allah.

Feeling Good and Blog Hopping

Ashley says: "Mama Mi....are you sure you want to go through with this....what do you call it...a "Garage Sale"? Whatever you do, please do not sell our 3 storey condo-cage, okay? Even if the person offers you buckets of money, please keep the cage okay. We plan to join you in KL soon, the moment your maid arrives. So remember, sell everything it you have to, but not our cage, faham...!"

It has been a busy couple of days preparing for the Garage sale and I had not updated this blog since day 16 and will now update it for Day 16 (May 18), Day 17 (May 19) and today Day 18 (May 20). It is difficult to journalise when the memory has to recall details of feelings and emotions more than 24 hours "old". I may also need to flip-flop between my blogs. During "normal " feel-good moments, the tendency is to want to write less about the impact of treatment as there is not much to write for the records.

I feel "normal" so the brain forgets about chemo, WMDs, and only get reminded when I am infront of the mirror cleaning my teeth and getting ready to go out and trying to decide what head gear to put on. I have yet to take to a wig as I think it will make my head boil and my brains fried. I do have a wig but the person I see in the mirror is not me. I cannot somehow trick my mind to believe that the lady with the lush tresses is actually nearly-bald me. So for the time being no wigs as I think I still can look presentable in a bandanna or cap, and when the time is right I will put to good use my collection of scarves.

I am now thinking that if I have no "treatment-related" entries to make I will hop over to my other blogs (http://lifematters2me.blogspot.com or http://aclosetfulofcerita.blogspot.com or http://mysecretrecipes.blogspot.com ). This is because I would like this particular blog to retain the flavour of a journal by a BC patient undergoing treatment. I do not want to consciously dilute it with my other thoughts and ruminations that are not really cancer or treatment related.

This blog will continue to record my daily experience relating to my treatments. Should it be a normal day when not much treatment related issues are worthwhile recording, then I will continue to post on other issues, if significant enough to me, in my other blogsites. I need to keep the momentum going so that I will not miss jotting down things which are important and significant lest they be forgotten.

May 18 (Day 16 of Cycle 2)

I continued to feel good and rather energised by the prospect of unloading some of the clutter in the backroom. I spent quite a bit of time mentally sorting out what needs to be done before I actually got into the act of physically peering into some of the plastic boxes and containers that housed all kinds of things hoarded over the years. Just to save some time, I decided that I will put all the containers and boxes in the backroom out onto the front porch on the day of the Garage Sale. After lunch of savoury pancakes with mushroom topping at Paddington's Pancake with a friend, I collected decorative articles ( figurines, various horse statues, wallplaques, framed prints) and put them all in boxes. Then it was costume jewelleries that I have not used in years, wallets and handbags. Also many, many pieces of silks, linen, cotton materials, velvet, lace buried deep in the recesses of my store cupboards that can be turned into blouses, kurungs, skirts or suits. These were purchased some time back and for some reason forgotten? The activity of sorting through the items took up the whole evening. My friend S dropped by incase I needed any help with sorting out things. It was not easy to have someone help with the sorting as I would still need to make a decision of whether to keep or let go. So I ended up having to do all that alone. Only Kakak helped me to arrange the things I was planning to let go into the various boxes and containers.

I was quite exhausted by the time I retired for the night. But I can't help feeling excited at the thought of who will want all these stuff and was also quite worried that I might oversleep while a crwod of people are waiting for me to open the sale!

May 19(Day 17 of cylce 2 and the day of the Garage Sale)

I set the alarm to 6 am and after Suboh prayers, supervised Kakak on which boxes are to be transferred to the porch and how to arrange them so that prospective bargain hunters will find it easy to move systematically from one box to the next to rummage through the items on display. We were done arranging the items by about 7.45 or so. When Kakak left for work, I got ready and was just about to have my breakfast when the first batch of bargain hunters arrived at 8! The sale was supposed to start at 9 and I wasn't ready. So I thanked them for being early but firmly told them to try the other houses first as I can only be ready at 9.

Thank God my 2 nephews (God bless them) turned up soon after, so I was able to have a proper breakfast as I know I will be needing all the energy afterwards when the crowd turns up. My friend S also turned up to "tumpang" her stuff that she needed to clear from her house, all her designer suits and work shoes and bags that she no longer require following her retirement.

Apparently Jalin Realty had advertised in the Star, so quite a number of people form as far as Rawang, S.Buloh, Puchong, Ceras came by, not just from the neighbourhood. I started out with a bandanna on my head but by 10 am with the midday heat building up, I decided to abandon the bandanna and went "au naturel" for all to see my almost bald head. It felt much more comfortable that way.

The garage sale was a success, not just at my place but I gathered my neighbours did very well as well and were able to clear what they intended to clear. Some of the people did ask if I was undergoing chemo and shared with me some tips they gathered from their friends about managing chemo side-effects. Useful tips about going for Qigong Walks that will help to charge up the body and boost the immune system through proper breathing (similar concept in Yoga).

We were done by about 2 pm although the plan was to end by 12. My nephews were great, they helped with the pricing stickers and attended to the buyers once they were sure how much the things should be. It was fun being on the other side of bargaining. It was also fun to see the incredulous looks on some of the buyers who had asked how much certain items were eg cushion covers, and we would ask how much do you want it to be , and if they say RM3, we would say, take it for RM 2 or RM 1!!! The items which remained uncleared were the clothes ( my "slim" clothes) as most of the buyers were bigger sized compared to moi. So those are now being temporarily stored in the cupboard in the backroom until I can give them away to similarly sized people who may be interested to inherit them.

For all their hardwork, my nephews were amply rewarded! I shared with them whatever we collected, they were 2 happy campers! The agent from Jalin mentioned that this Community Garage Sale will be a monthly affair if there are enough participants. My friends and siblings nearby are now very keen to "tumpang" their stuff at the next sale as they saw how much fun we had. I surprised myself at how much energy I had dealing and managing the crowd and the "bargaining".

Some lessons were learnt though. Organisation is very important and having adequate assistance to help manage the crowd. It is also a very interesting opportunity to observe human nature, where Man is the hunter. Everyone looking for a bargain. I am tempted to scribble down my thoughts on this based on this event today in my other blog (Life Matters) one of these days.

It was so pacifying and gratifying to end the day knowing that some people had came and left with stuff that they had obtained at a real bargain ( RM 10 for a piece of silk enough to make a baju kurung or a L.Ashley dress) or RM 1 for a squash racket!

For someone undergoing chemotherapy for a life threatening disease, this activity today was quite meaningful for me. There is more to the rest of my life than acquiring more wealth or more possessions. It is more meaningful to share and let go and just have enough, nothing more nothing less. Just enough. It is for me now to determine and stick to my definition of what is enough....for me.

May 20 (Day 18 of cycle 2)

Believe it or not, after the Garage Sale yesterday, I was still full of energy to go out for dinner with 2 of my friends all the way to The Curve! And I had thought that I would collapse in a heap by the evening. This morning, I had to wake up early as I had planned with a friend to go to the Lake Gardens to try and locate the early birds who apparently practice an open Qigong group exercise in several locations there. We got the the gardens by 7.30 but couldn't site any Qigong sessions (maybe they had all dispersed by then) so we went on an "Aromatherapy" morning brisk walk instead. It was really refreshing to follow the paths that were lined with Cempaka trees, Jasmine and even Kesidang. I even managed to pluck some lovely bunches of Kesidang, they remind me of my early childhood when as children, we loved to sneak into bilik Pengantins to smell the bunga rampai, which is 80% daun pandan and 20% fragrant flowers, especially the Kesidang. Hmmm.

For the first time since I started my chemo, I had a deep snooze in the afternoon!! I don't usually nap in the afternoon, and when going through the chemo side-effects in the first few days, no matter how fatigued I felt, I just couldn't lull myself to have a nap so that I am unconscious of the side-effects. Today, I fell asleep while reading the Sunday papers! After the lovely walk in the gardens, we went for a really nice breakfast at Marmalade in Mount Kiara, bought the Sunday papers and my friend dropped me off.

After a refreshing shower, I settled on my sofa with a glass of Rosella juice (home made) and started to read the papers. Kakak had gone back to her house for her Sunday get-together with her family members and we had run the washing. Somewhere between reading about the royal wedding and the cartoon pages, I had drifted off into dreamland! I was woken up when my mobile rang when S called to say that the maid had cooked Nasi Beriani Ayam and that they will send some over to my house. That was very thoughtful of them.

It is great to feel normal again. When RJ dropped by to send over some green tea from my brother in Melaka, we had tea while it rained cats and dogs and more, outside. Hot green tea and scones with honey, how could we go wrong? When the rain stopped, S and I went to the Bangsar Pasar Malam to get some fresh fruits and vegetables. I went looking for Pucuk Paku and Kacang Botol so that I can include them in my diet for the upcoming week, in an effort to ensure a good blood count. I am due for cycle 3 on May 24, Insya Allah if my FBC is good.

Sunday is either a round-up day for the previous week or a start-up day for the coming one. Either way for me, this has been a meaningful Sunday. Meaningful because I was able to round up the week and felt good that I was able to do something different and grateful that I was able to make people happy when they got great bargains and went home happy. It is also meaningful because I now have 4 days of feeling good prior to the next chemo, and starting today I must make sure I rest, eat and sleep well so that I am strong enough to withstand the 3rd onslaught of the WMDs. Insya Allah it can be better.