Confuse-ius!

May 10(Day 8 Cycle 2)


It was a beautiful day in every sense of the word. I woke up feeling really energised and spent a long time on the sejadah after solat penuh kesyukuran that the low energy phase of this cycle was over. I have quite a few personal errands to manage and catch up on. And for the second time this cycle, I drove out, this time a longer drive to the Medical Center and later Bangsar to have lunch with a friend. I also went to Syabas to personally deliver my letter of appeal. I am re-appealing against a RM 17800 water bill in arrears for an underground leak that wasn't detected until after 31 months in 2004! Puas did not read my meter and the leak was discovered when they did a kemas-kini. Even in my most generous mood, I will not pay that amount, not for the quality of water that was provided( over or underground), I'd rather give to RSPCA or charity. Hopefully their powers-that-be will reconsider my appeal.




Because it was so grand to feel fully charged up again ( I felt like a wind-up toy which had just been tuned up), I was very selective over what I wanted the day to be. My Oncologist had a lobby full of patients to see him ahead of me and because I had nothing critical to check with him other than my temperature swinging between 37.1-37.5 C (37.2 C now), I decided not to wait. A 38 C or more temperature is a sign of possible infection and normal body temperature is 37 C. So I am still within the "safe range" and should only go to ER when it is 38 or more. Perhaps it is due to the hot flashes that I am experiencing because of the drugs.





I had booked an appointment to consult my Breast Surgeon on the nagging twitchings around the surgery area. When I saw her, she re-assured me it is normal to experience that as the area will take some time to heal and that as long as I stick to the prescribed exercises, it would be fine. The final knot was removed from the scar and I was to expect more gradual changes to the shape of the breast as it heals. That is to say, a few months to a year from now it may look different from today as scar tissues shrink and new tissues fill up the area. But she cautioned me to expect more changes after radiation as even the colour and texture will change and will take a long time to get back to normal, if at all. It's good to know what to expect so I can psyche myself up.





And she told me to GET REAL! To work on my mind and tell myself that I am not fatigued and to fight the lethargy. As though it wasn't what I have been trying to do. The fact that I was up and about and feeling gung-ho to meet with a friend for lunch after 6-7 days of feeling tired like a deflated tyre is a sign of victory to me. It could also be all the beef goodness that I had been feeding myself over the last 2 days. In any case, she always makes sense. I told her I feel like making a short trip just to relax ( the last 6-7 days wasn't relaxing, I was under the weather) but am concerned that I might feel sick again and worse, get an infection while away. She said, by all means go and if , Nauzubillah, an infection crops up, then deal with it then! Otherwise I will be staying in and depriving myself a proper life while under treatment just because I am so pre-occupied with all the "what-ifs".

Milla the Kitten: " Let's take it easy and stop overloading ourselves with all these information! It is so tiring to read conflicting information from all these books. Check with your Doctor if in doubt, they always know best lah....! Me, I just like to LOOK at magazines, with lots of colour!"

It has been quite confusing, really on the do's and don'ts during treatment period. Read 10 books and you may get some consistency but will also find quite a bit of contradictory information. The same with talking to different people. My personal conclusion is that there is nothing wrong to read up and and be aware of what's out there and how other people manage their treatment period/side effects. Having information is good. It is how we use the information. At the end of the day, everyone is different and will react differently to treatment depending on individual make up. It's being selective on what will work for me.

Some people even took the extremely brave stand of not undergoing conventional medical treatment and go holistic all the way. I have yet to personally meet a long time survivor of this approach. I am aware of a friend whom I met at a writing workshop who was diagnosed about a year ago and is on herbal treatment and will try to find out how she has been managing. I have also met chemo buddies who apart from what the hospital prescribes are also on various other supplements that helped them manage their side-effects and their blood count has been good. In other words, they have not been hit by the drastic side-effects of the WMDs. Some still have lots of hair on their heads.

For me, I have checked with the medical proffessionals that I have seen if there is anything I could take to "protect" me from the side-effects. The consensus response seem to be, stick to what the medical center prescribe and take your normal supplements (eg Multivites and Calcium) and no others. If the side effects of chemo are intolerable or discomforting, to let them know and they will prescribe medication to alleviate the side-effects. Bottom line, to leave the WMD to do its job and not confuse the body with extra agents that might compromise the outcome of treatment. Upfront, it has been explained that in order for the WMDS to get at the cancerous cells, the collateral damage to fast multiplying good cells are inevitable. And the process of recovery is intended to manage the damage.

I can understand and appreciate the reasoning and logic of the medical opinions as similarly stated in a number of the publications. But as a patient who has to "suffer" the side effects and who have a myriad of potential "cures" or "supplements to reduce side-effects" being introduced to them by well meaning friends, relatives and salespeople, it is very easy to get confused and inspired with the notion of a "cure". Especially if the "cure" is something easy to take, oral tablets or a tonic to add to a drink and very affordable compared to the cost of chemo drugs, it is so easy to switch confidence.

I have been advised not to spend too much energy ( will leave me sapped with fatigue!) on this and leave the treatment protocol to the experts. Once I have made the decision to go the conventional medical way, then I should heed what is expected from me by the doctors. Had I made the choice to go traditional or holistic, then I should similarly follow the chosen approach wholeheartedly all the way. Mixing the two may compromise one or the other that in the end neither will work and the body will really, truly suffer due to the unintended "abuse".

I have sought guidance from the Almighty to the choice that I have made and I continue to seek guidance from the Almighty for the strength and commitment to withstand the testing challenges that are part and parcel of the treatment regime I have opted for. And not to give up halfway. Or allow myself to be compromised along the way with "easy cures". Nothing is easy. Nothing. It is all about faith and belief, whicever way we take as the mind is a very powerful ally on our side. It believes, we believe , it works. Insya Allah.

My next Interim Blood count is coming up on Saturday May 12, dinner was a rich , healthy affair of stir-fry calf's liver with lots of ginger, carrots and peppers lavishly sprinkled with dark soya sauce. Vegetables were stir-fried spinach and stir-fried fat taugeh. Very nice. Let's hope I don't need a booster this time. And the 3rd cycle on May 24? I can't even begin to imagine what the outcome will be, all I know is will be different again for different people, and I am certain I will yet learn of a few more interesting results!