PUTRI MIMICKING MAMA MI GOING "WEK-WEK!!" The cats have delegated Putri to send a message(pesan) to me.
Putri's pesan to Mama Mi:
"Good Luck for the 2nd cycle, Mama Mi........remember straight home after that, 'kay....no gallivanting in bookshops or crowded cafes............!
Remember the last time? You went wek-wek(like this) not once, but twice, on the first day! So, listen to us, straight home, you hear...we love you!"
END OF MESSAGE.
May 2 (1 day before 2nd Chemo cycle)
To distract my mind from the next bout of treatment tomorrow, I took the opportunity to go shopping at Sri Hartamas Shopping centre. When my friend RJ came by, she agreed to accompany me to see what the Thai Fair that is currently on has to offer. We ended up having a Reflexogy session after spending sometime browsing at The Times Bookstore. Apart from a copy of the latest edition of Off The Edge, I did not come out with any books this time but RJ did, with a copy of The Collapse of Globalism by John Ralston Saul. Seems like a good book to read after I am through with all these medical stuff on BC that I had picked up like a squirrel since Day 1 BC.
I decided to get some music cds from the Tower Records nearby. One of them is something that I had been wanting to get for sometime, a copy of Sean Ghazi's "Semalam" which makes for pleasant listening for chilling out when I am gripped by chemo fever. I am listening to its pleasant soothing sounds while tapping this entry. That boy can sing one.....he can sound very Melayu and at the same time very Michael Buble-ish. I really wanted to say Frank Sinatra-ish,but that will really be telling my age.....But the fact that I get carried away by a sense of nostalgia over most of the songs IS telling my age.
Hhmmm, will I really be okay tomorrow? I think and hope so. Based on what I experienced the last time, I have decided to go to the Medical Centre alone as it really is not necessary for anyone to wait and sit out with me( and wasting their time when they could be doing something more productive!). I will get a cab to the place and my friend RJ has kindly offered to pick me up later when I am done. So the plan is to grab a lunch on the way back, absolutely no shopping like the last time, and then straight home, to sit and take it easy(listen to Sean.....). Hopefully the previous cycle 1 performance of double retching will not have an encore....
No matter how prepared I am for this next cycle, all the healthful food, I am still a trifle worried. Will the blood test tomorrow show that I am fit enough to proceed with the 2nd cycle? What if I fall short in my WBC count although I have been eating all the "right" foods and tried my best to avoid infections by limiting my contact with people who could potentially expose me to some infection or other. Will I have to linger and wait, and wait, and more waiting till I get really antsy before I can start on the 2nd. And if I have to wait,will it make the whole regime less effective or equally effective?
I am a great worrier. Sometimes for nothing. And if really for nothing, I would feel really silly for having been worried in the first place. But if I didn't worry I became suspicious, or even superstitious that something might go wrong. And when that happens, I will kick myself for not anticipating all the possible outcomes, for not considering the worst-case scenarios.In any case there is less than 9 hours to go, and 7 of that I will be asleep. So hopefully no more worrying or worries until I am good to go in the morning. I will just need to get my list of questions ready for the session with the Oncologist tomorrow. Like can he prescribe me something stronger than what was given the last time for controlling my nausea? Something called Emend or Kytril ? What I was given the last time did not really control my retching.
And also to mention that although I have been doing my daily reps for my arms, the left arm still feels tight and numb sometimes. And since yesterday I thought I felt certain twitchings in my left breast, from beneath the surgery scar area. Should I be worried or is that normal in the process of healing? After all it has been almost 2 months since the last operation. Could worry trigger those twitchings? They ain't there a week ago!
Well, at this point I really should stop worrying and get a good night's sleep instead. A good night's sleep will enable me to be early and bright tomorrow. Then I can march in like a warrior to face the WMD's again, and sort out with the Oncologist any nagging doubts or twitchings that I am experiencing. I should stop being a worrier....it might make the twitchings worse. Sleep beckons and the best that I can do for myself right now is to yield to it.
Putri's pesan to Mama Mi:
"Good Luck for the 2nd cycle, Mama Mi........remember straight home after that, 'kay....no gallivanting in bookshops or crowded cafes............!
Remember the last time? You went wek-wek(like this) not once, but twice, on the first day! So, listen to us, straight home, you hear...we love you!"
END OF MESSAGE.
May 2 (1 day before 2nd Chemo cycle)
To distract my mind from the next bout of treatment tomorrow, I took the opportunity to go shopping at Sri Hartamas Shopping centre. When my friend RJ came by, she agreed to accompany me to see what the Thai Fair that is currently on has to offer. We ended up having a Reflexogy session after spending sometime browsing at The Times Bookstore. Apart from a copy of the latest edition of Off The Edge, I did not come out with any books this time but RJ did, with a copy of The Collapse of Globalism by John Ralston Saul. Seems like a good book to read after I am through with all these medical stuff on BC that I had picked up like a squirrel since Day 1 BC.
I decided to get some music cds from the Tower Records nearby. One of them is something that I had been wanting to get for sometime, a copy of Sean Ghazi's "Semalam" which makes for pleasant listening for chilling out when I am gripped by chemo fever. I am listening to its pleasant soothing sounds while tapping this entry. That boy can sing one.....he can sound very Melayu and at the same time very Michael Buble-ish. I really wanted to say Frank Sinatra-ish,but that will really be telling my age.....But the fact that I get carried away by a sense of nostalgia over most of the songs IS telling my age.
Hhmmm, will I really be okay tomorrow? I think and hope so. Based on what I experienced the last time, I have decided to go to the Medical Centre alone as it really is not necessary for anyone to wait and sit out with me( and wasting their time when they could be doing something more productive!). I will get a cab to the place and my friend RJ has kindly offered to pick me up later when I am done. So the plan is to grab a lunch on the way back, absolutely no shopping like the last time, and then straight home, to sit and take it easy(listen to Sean.....). Hopefully the previous cycle 1 performance of double retching will not have an encore....
No matter how prepared I am for this next cycle, all the healthful food, I am still a trifle worried. Will the blood test tomorrow show that I am fit enough to proceed with the 2nd cycle? What if I fall short in my WBC count although I have been eating all the "right" foods and tried my best to avoid infections by limiting my contact with people who could potentially expose me to some infection or other. Will I have to linger and wait, and wait, and more waiting till I get really antsy before I can start on the 2nd. And if I have to wait,will it make the whole regime less effective or equally effective?
I am a great worrier. Sometimes for nothing. And if really for nothing, I would feel really silly for having been worried in the first place. But if I didn't worry I became suspicious, or even superstitious that something might go wrong. And when that happens, I will kick myself for not anticipating all the possible outcomes, for not considering the worst-case scenarios.In any case there is less than 9 hours to go, and 7 of that I will be asleep. So hopefully no more worrying or worries until I am good to go in the morning. I will just need to get my list of questions ready for the session with the Oncologist tomorrow. Like can he prescribe me something stronger than what was given the last time for controlling my nausea? Something called Emend or Kytril ? What I was given the last time did not really control my retching.
And also to mention that although I have been doing my daily reps for my arms, the left arm still feels tight and numb sometimes. And since yesterday I thought I felt certain twitchings in my left breast, from beneath the surgery scar area. Should I be worried or is that normal in the process of healing? After all it has been almost 2 months since the last operation. Could worry trigger those twitchings? They ain't there a week ago!
Well, at this point I really should stop worrying and get a good night's sleep instead. A good night's sleep will enable me to be early and bright tomorrow. Then I can march in like a warrior to face the WMD's again, and sort out with the Oncologist any nagging doubts or twitchings that I am experiencing. I should stop being a worrier....it might make the twitchings worse. Sleep beckons and the best that I can do for myself right now is to yield to it.
12 comments:
What you are feeling right now is so normal when going through the treatment...the doubts, the worries, the emotional roll coaster rides & even the retching.
Be strong Azmi. I have linked your blog to mine. To have a strong mind and spirit is vital at this juncture.
Dearest Azmi,
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,
I wish you well and May Allah continue to give you strength...
You are still blessed..still my heart cries out for you to get well..
And my heart becomes even sadder when I chanced upon this man( formerly a very active man) who was confined to bed five years ago, paralyzed from shoulders down..and managed to use his one finger to be in contact with the outside world through his old PC and continue to write...having a very loving wife and very dedicated children...and only wants to be known as Kassim Selamat..I marvel too at his strength and resilience..
http://kassim8888.blogspot.com
May Allah shower you with the same strength and resilience....Amin..
Wasalam
Umi Kalthum Ngah
Azmi, I'm thinking about you today...how is the chemo this time? I hope even if it's badly affecting your body, your spirit is not dampened... May Allah eases your journey..
azmi,
how has it been?
Hope you are ok.
God Bless.....
azmi, retail therapy can be good therapy too.
Yes,like you i am a great worrier - warrior, I am not.
Take care.
Dear NKV, thanks so much for thinking about me today...it helps to get such assurances from someone who's been there, done that..and survived beautifully!
Wa'alaikum salam dear Umi, you know how much your doas and good wishs mean to me, thank you. I will certainly up Kassim Selamat's blog and draw more strength from it, and wish him well in his journey. He has so much to live for with a loving family and children who would be anxious to have a daddy around when they graduate, get married etc. In that sense, I feel I have less to worry about in that I don't have offsprings to see through....but it will be nice if I can be around when my nephews and nices get married , and have a family of their own and come visit me at my kampung homestay so they are in touch with their family history.
Although right now I wish I can just over to be in the UK or Paris in the spring...the Lake Distict or Monet's place at (can't remember the place outside Paris, I think it is Giverney or sthing, hope this chemo brain hasn;t hit me yet since not all hair gone!) just to walk around that nice gardens there! Don't I envy you! Salamz
Dear Nuraina, thank you for visiting to see how an ole girl is coping. So far so good, no wek-wek, will cover it my next posting on what happened yesterday at the Chemo ward. I just need to fight this feeling and if I overcome it,it gives a good feeling of having "won" a battle, small though it may be, and tht Allah has listened to my doa, and those of the good people who doa for me.
Salamz
Dear Raden, thanks for thinking about me when I was just starting Round 2. Okay so far and knowing that I have gone through round one, I will attempt to improve at coping with the few tricks that fellow survivors have tipped me on.
Insya Allah, I will hang in there, and on the look out for new side-effects forthcoming. Thanks for your doa. I ni nampak berani tapi kat dalam penakut sakit! Salamz
Dear Kak Teh,I agree Retail Therapy is one of the therapies that will assist in healing! So far just having bought those books on BC, I felt somewhat in control of what the disease is about and there is less to fear knowing what to expect. Sometimes it is the unknown that can get at me and that is why it is so re-assuring to hear about survivors like Proff Has, Raden, NKV, my othersurvivor friends that I talk with every now and then and to know they are doing beautifully.
I think even great Warriors worry tak?
Hi Azmi,
Just updated myself on your progress. Good luck for stage 2. You look as young as ever in the photos and without hair you will look like the latest film star who is setting a trend in new hairdos!
Miss Brown
Dear Miss Brown,
thank you for your good wishes and compliments! Flattery can go a long way, if you are here and not in Oz, I would treat you to that Nasi Lemak breakfast, the hotter sambal the better. Hope your arm is much better, so you can start your painting again! You know I have just opened the tiny gift one of the Japanese expats gave me way back in 1998(!!!!). I thought it was a pencil or pen, but it turned out to be a pretty Japanese fan, so when them hot flushes flash by, I can now flutter my fan like a Geisha!
Nice of you to pop by. Until I see you in KL or OZ, here's sending you a virtual nasi lemak with hot sambal, even hotter chicken rendang and lots of peanuts and ikan bilis...guaranteed to keep you awake for days..
Cheers, "Azumi-san"
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