May 7 (Day 5 of Cycle 2)
Like day 4, Day 5 I was wilting in every sense of the word. My body was tired and so was my mind and it was not a very good feeling. For someone who is normally quite "disciplined" and able to tick off her check list of things to do for the day, to just sit around feeling tired was quite ego bashing. Feeling out of control, helpless and yet not much that anyone else could have helped me with.
Based on input from others who were in the same boat, I tried to draw the same conclusions. That is, it is normal to feel this way for some people, it is just the way individuals react to to the medication. And we therefore should allow the body to ride it through, it is part of the treatment, and not fight it that we may end up over-exhausted and in the end, compromise the process. Some people feel tired for 10 days, some for less, some people suffered from constipation for a whole weekand had to be given enemas, some could be cured with Prune Juice or a small dose of sambal nasi lemak(like moi), some feel perfectly okay other than nausea in cycle 2.
After a few tired telephone conversations with chemo buddies, I primed myself to take the lethargy and low spirits in good stead. That as long as it is not related to an infection (make sure body temperature is 37C or below), I should let the feelings ride. That is is perfectly okay to just be and do nothing when my body wants to do nothing. It is telling me to just let it be and that when it is ready, it will spring back to what is the norm. As someone said, enjoy the break of doing absolutely nothing and not having to feel bad or guilty about it.
It took a while to convince myself about that though despite the fact that I have been through a cycle before. And to think that this is a hurdle that I need to cross in total 6 times, 2 almost down and 4 to go! 6 times of feeling helpless, vulnerable , unproductive during the first few post-chemo days. But I realise now that it should be accepted as a blessing in disguise, it is a time when the focus is on what is happening inside my body so that I win the battle, and to worry less of what I as a person should be doing right now with my mind,body and resources. Focus, focus, focus.
A friend I haven't seen since I did my chemo dropped by to catch up as she hasn't been well herself and was concerned that her illness might affect me. We caught up and ended up talking about life, philosophising about life's values and where we, our community, society and the universe are heading. All heavy duty topics which started off very lightly enough but kept on growing until we think we have the solution to the world's problems. Whatever, it kept my mind actively working and although I was lying like a zombie on the couch while we talked, my mind was actively engaged and for a while forgot my helpless stage.
Blackie the cat popped his head in once in a while. F loves cats so he was warmly welcomed. I dared not touch him very much as he patrols the neighbourhood and God knows where he went. I remember having to save him from being trapped in the monsoon drain once when he was little, and coaxing him to an opening from where he could climb up on his own. F is very superstitious so I did not mention about what I was told about black cats in case he loses a fan. For me, a cat is a cat and a living thing, and if I am in a position to make life better for him, then I would, within my limit.
The time just flew and we realised it was lunch time. As Kakak went home last night, I needed to get lunch anyway so we went to Plaza Damas to get some food to eat. I felt like beef ( maybe my body was yearning for iron to build up my haemoglobin) but my favourite nasi campur place wasn't opened yet. I wasn't up to eating out as I still felt tired and was afraid I might zonk out between mouthfuls, so we packed food. F decided to pack food for her kids and maid and we ended up getting Mee Rebus Baidali at Aji-Don in P.Damas. The dish is beef-based so hopefully the goodness was fed into my system.
As I hadn't slept very well the night before, I tried to catch up on sleep after F left. Not very successful, but at least I was able to eat something and conquered the still nauseatic feeling in my stomach. UZ came by to collect my Insurance claim forms which were due. I was on the phone a lot today. It was such a blessing , as though the callers had an E.S.P to call and check on how I was doing just when I needed to talk , about nothing in particular, but just to talk. My adopted sister from Bagan Datoh called ( she lives in this tranquil and idyllic kampung hideaway called S.Cik Maja where coconut is life) and she made me laugh when her first question was " Rambut dah gugur ke?". Her family lives on a tight budget but to have her call me up and speak for almost an hour really warmed up the cockles of my heart. I envy the calm and contentment that she carries even though they are by no means well-off and makes me wonder sometimes why we human beings make life more complicated than it should be. (Aaah, I should refrain from getting philosophical again, done enough for the day earlier!)
I realise that the advice given by my doctors and survivors who have been through the chemo experience is absolutely spot on. It is wise not to be alone during these times, not to be isolated otherwise you end up feeling so sorry for yourself. It will not help to feel that way at all but to treat the treatment experience as a licence to be self-indulgent, and explore and get to know yourself better. It is amazing how we imagine that we know a lot about things, about other people and yet when an experience like this hits us in the face, we find that there is so much we don't know about ourselves, and so much to learn and discover. And some discoveries can be pretty shocking.
So dear God...., Ya Allah, Ya Tuhan ku, thank you so much for this time to stop and pause. To learn to be strong for myself, to really know myself, to accept my strengths and weaknesses, and to live well and to the fullest within the parameters You have defined for me. I will in the course of months and the future be guided by the challenges and blessings You have posed my way and I seek the strength from You Ya, Allah to overcome. Amin.
Dinner was a simple dish of rice, fried bull's eye (egg) and mixed vegetables that Kakak cooked up for me. Eggs are such wholesome food. So far so good, it has been a saviour when the appetite is depressed. With kicap soya, just a sprinkling. At least I finished what was own the plate and Kakak was pleased. She was worried when she saw me flat out on the couch looking like a hair-less ghost when she came back this evening and her first comment was "Adik, tak makan ke? Mesti makan sikit, baru boleh tahan ubat. Nanti Kakak buat apa Adik suka...". God bless her. She also cut up some papaya for dessert.
My heart reached out for the people who might be in the same position as I am right now but find themselves alone, truly alone with no support system. How are they managing if they have not reached out or attempted to reach out. How do we know where they are and how will anyone know that they need someone if they are too scared or too proud to open up and make their needs known? This , I have learnt , is not a time to be isolated. I am so thankful for my friends who have offered their hands and time in case I needed them and just knowing that, was good enough for me. They do not have to be with me physically day in and day out, but knowing that they are with me in spirit, and will respond to my call, sms or email should there be a need for some support or re-assurance, is a balm that helps in my healing. And my siblings, in their own way are contributing in the areas they know best and within their resources to manage, so that my mind is at ease and that any unnecessary stress is kept at bay.
I don't know how I will ever be able to repay their kindness. I include them in my prayers, that God will take care of them and that they will be blessed here and in the hereafter. Insya Allah. Amin.
Like day 4, Day 5 I was wilting in every sense of the word. My body was tired and so was my mind and it was not a very good feeling. For someone who is normally quite "disciplined" and able to tick off her check list of things to do for the day, to just sit around feeling tired was quite ego bashing. Feeling out of control, helpless and yet not much that anyone else could have helped me with.
Based on input from others who were in the same boat, I tried to draw the same conclusions. That is, it is normal to feel this way for some people, it is just the way individuals react to to the medication. And we therefore should allow the body to ride it through, it is part of the treatment, and not fight it that we may end up over-exhausted and in the end, compromise the process. Some people feel tired for 10 days, some for less, some people suffered from constipation for a whole weekand had to be given enemas, some could be cured with Prune Juice or a small dose of sambal nasi lemak(like moi), some feel perfectly okay other than nausea in cycle 2.
After a few tired telephone conversations with chemo buddies, I primed myself to take the lethargy and low spirits in good stead. That as long as it is not related to an infection (make sure body temperature is 37C or below), I should let the feelings ride. That is is perfectly okay to just be and do nothing when my body wants to do nothing. It is telling me to just let it be and that when it is ready, it will spring back to what is the norm. As someone said, enjoy the break of doing absolutely nothing and not having to feel bad or guilty about it.
It took a while to convince myself about that though despite the fact that I have been through a cycle before. And to think that this is a hurdle that I need to cross in total 6 times, 2 almost down and 4 to go! 6 times of feeling helpless, vulnerable , unproductive during the first few post-chemo days. But I realise now that it should be accepted as a blessing in disguise, it is a time when the focus is on what is happening inside my body so that I win the battle, and to worry less of what I as a person should be doing right now with my mind,body and resources. Focus, focus, focus.
A friend I haven't seen since I did my chemo dropped by to catch up as she hasn't been well herself and was concerned that her illness might affect me. We caught up and ended up talking about life, philosophising about life's values and where we, our community, society and the universe are heading. All heavy duty topics which started off very lightly enough but kept on growing until we think we have the solution to the world's problems. Whatever, it kept my mind actively working and although I was lying like a zombie on the couch while we talked, my mind was actively engaged and for a while forgot my helpless stage.
Blackie the cat popped his head in once in a while. F loves cats so he was warmly welcomed. I dared not touch him very much as he patrols the neighbourhood and God knows where he went. I remember having to save him from being trapped in the monsoon drain once when he was little, and coaxing him to an opening from where he could climb up on his own. F is very superstitious so I did not mention about what I was told about black cats in case he loses a fan. For me, a cat is a cat and a living thing, and if I am in a position to make life better for him, then I would, within my limit.
The time just flew and we realised it was lunch time. As Kakak went home last night, I needed to get lunch anyway so we went to Plaza Damas to get some food to eat. I felt like beef ( maybe my body was yearning for iron to build up my haemoglobin) but my favourite nasi campur place wasn't opened yet. I wasn't up to eating out as I still felt tired and was afraid I might zonk out between mouthfuls, so we packed food. F decided to pack food for her kids and maid and we ended up getting Mee Rebus Baidali at Aji-Don in P.Damas. The dish is beef-based so hopefully the goodness was fed into my system.
As I hadn't slept very well the night before, I tried to catch up on sleep after F left. Not very successful, but at least I was able to eat something and conquered the still nauseatic feeling in my stomach. UZ came by to collect my Insurance claim forms which were due. I was on the phone a lot today. It was such a blessing , as though the callers had an E.S.P to call and check on how I was doing just when I needed to talk , about nothing in particular, but just to talk. My adopted sister from Bagan Datoh called ( she lives in this tranquil and idyllic kampung hideaway called S.Cik Maja where coconut is life) and she made me laugh when her first question was " Rambut dah gugur ke?". Her family lives on a tight budget but to have her call me up and speak for almost an hour really warmed up the cockles of my heart. I envy the calm and contentment that she carries even though they are by no means well-off and makes me wonder sometimes why we human beings make life more complicated than it should be. (Aaah, I should refrain from getting philosophical again, done enough for the day earlier!)
I realise that the advice given by my doctors and survivors who have been through the chemo experience is absolutely spot on. It is wise not to be alone during these times, not to be isolated otherwise you end up feeling so sorry for yourself. It will not help to feel that way at all but to treat the treatment experience as a licence to be self-indulgent, and explore and get to know yourself better. It is amazing how we imagine that we know a lot about things, about other people and yet when an experience like this hits us in the face, we find that there is so much we don't know about ourselves, and so much to learn and discover. And some discoveries can be pretty shocking.
So dear God...., Ya Allah, Ya Tuhan ku, thank you so much for this time to stop and pause. To learn to be strong for myself, to really know myself, to accept my strengths and weaknesses, and to live well and to the fullest within the parameters You have defined for me. I will in the course of months and the future be guided by the challenges and blessings You have posed my way and I seek the strength from You Ya, Allah to overcome. Amin.
Dinner was a simple dish of rice, fried bull's eye (egg) and mixed vegetables that Kakak cooked up for me. Eggs are such wholesome food. So far so good, it has been a saviour when the appetite is depressed. With kicap soya, just a sprinkling. At least I finished what was own the plate and Kakak was pleased. She was worried when she saw me flat out on the couch looking like a hair-less ghost when she came back this evening and her first comment was "Adik, tak makan ke? Mesti makan sikit, baru boleh tahan ubat. Nanti Kakak buat apa Adik suka...". God bless her. She also cut up some papaya for dessert.
My heart reached out for the people who might be in the same position as I am right now but find themselves alone, truly alone with no support system. How are they managing if they have not reached out or attempted to reach out. How do we know where they are and how will anyone know that they need someone if they are too scared or too proud to open up and make their needs known? This , I have learnt , is not a time to be isolated. I am so thankful for my friends who have offered their hands and time in case I needed them and just knowing that, was good enough for me. They do not have to be with me physically day in and day out, but knowing that they are with me in spirit, and will respond to my call, sms or email should there be a need for some support or re-assurance, is a balm that helps in my healing. And my siblings, in their own way are contributing in the areas they know best and within their resources to manage, so that my mind is at ease and that any unnecessary stress is kept at bay.
I don't know how I will ever be able to repay their kindness. I include them in my prayers, that God will take care of them and that they will be blessed here and in the hereafter. Insya Allah. Amin.
5 comments:
azmi, I am sorry you are feeling so poorly - I wish I can reach out and hug you. I wish I can say clever words and make you feel better, but all I can offer is my doa and Insyaallah we will do a special doa for you during our weekly surau meeting. Take care.
Azmi, like kakTeh, I also want to hug you... iknow it's a good feeling to be hugged at times like this...
It's normal to feel weak, your body is weakened...and the mind follow suit...it's the medication.. take a stroll around the house...just to get fresh air...and it's good that you take this time as a moment for yourself... hang on and be strong.. you aregoing to beat it..
Dear Azmi,
I am so sorry that you have to do this stage 2 alone at night. Your friends sound like a fantastic support group but wish I could be there to help as well.
I really enjoyed the virtual nasi lemak and am sending you a virtual Aussie fillet steak to assist your iron levels. It is accompanied by seed mustard so be careful when you open the package.
Love
Julie-san
Azmi,
i know what you're going through, though i have never experienced it.
you are very strong and brave.
hang in there.
Subhanallah!
Kak Teh..thank you for your doas, it means a lot to me and people in similar situations. I am feeling better, thanks and I guess have to get used to the ups and downs in energy levels and learn how to bear with it.
Raden...syukur Alhamdullillah to know you are bouncing back! I actually did what you had in mind, I went out to the S'mart to get some stuff. Very slow macam nenek lah but at least I managed to get up and about! Glad you are smiling again!
Julie...hey,thanks 'mate! Your virtual Aussie Fillet steak was so finger-licking good, I decided to get more from our local S'mart and turned it into a chinese stir-fry!
Don't worry, it is only on Sunday nights that I would be on my own. Miss my trips to Melbourne...!
Nuraina...it is so easy to swing this way and that when one's energy level is low. I never imagined it to be like this before but the knowledge will certainly help prepare me for future cycles, Insya Allah. But then again, both my 2 cycles have been rather different in outcomes...! Allah has a reason for allowing me all these variations, and I have faith in his wisdom. Thanks for your encouragement..
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