A Truly Different Experience

My Boy Troy thinks to himself: "Poor, poor Milla...she has no mummy. She is actively visualising that she is suckling milk from her mama and she forgets that I was once a male cat and Mama Mi had me castrated so I won't wander far and get into fights and cross roads and get knocked down! Well, whatever....at least she is not eating all kinds of things and getting herself into trouble like Mama Mi.....poor Mama Mi, I know how she loves her food and this experience is truly a challenge to her.......I hope Mama Mi will do as Milla does, visualise and visualise whenever the craving hits her so that her diet is not messed up. I am not there to comfort her....alas....".



Milla suckling Troy.........poor but clever thing!

May 27 (Day 4 of cycle 3)

It was a lovely Sunday morning and I enjoyed the walk to get the Sunday papers. Interesting article highlighting the importance of preparing for retirement in Malaysia, in view of escalating medical costs (15% per year?!) and of course inflation which will erode future purchasing power. In the current rat race where folks seem to enjoy flaunting what they can have NOW vs what they are prepared to set aside for retirement and rainy days , it is scary to imagine how things will work out a few years from now. But I digress, I am supposed to jot down my terrible experience on Day 4, really, truly different from what I had experienced in previous cycles, but I guess I only have myself to blame.

In the morning, I told Kakak I am tired of oats and what the books tell me to eat. My nausea was creeping up again and I had a sudden inspiration to have Nasi Goreng Kampung for breakfast. Just the thought of that made me feel wholesome and reminded me of the times when the whole family, gathered in our Melaka family home would be having a "kenduri-type" breakfast where there would be everything under the sun as everyone was there. Usually this would be post Hari Raya. There would be Nasi Goreng, Bread with an assortment of spreads, and the person who would have been charged with getting the morning papers would come back with roti canai, kueh2 kampung (Abuk-Abuk, Kueh Bakar and Apom with shredded coconut). The adults will be at the long table and the kids will be spread out seated on a few tikar (mats) that we would spread out for them. It was a real party.

So it was that I had a lovely Nasi Goreng Kampung for breakfast, then the fruits (persimmon, apple and banana) and ovaltine. I added in a 15ml tablespoon of Scott's Emulsion of Cod Liver Oil as I was beginning to spot a cough and found myself sneezing a little. That was fine. The Gardener came by to sort out the grass and weeds and trim the bougainvilla shrub by the gate. I asked him to prepare a small square patch which is going to be my herb and vegetable patch, in due time, Insya Allah. I was already imagining the ulam-ulam which will prosper there, lovingly nurtured by me and hopefully Blackie the cat will not mess it up.

I spent the entire morning reading and recovering from the day before and mentally planning the week ahead , in between managing the nausea. So far so good, I managed not to be sick. Kakak left to meet up with her relatives and SM joined me for lunch. She brought Roti Jala and chicken curry and Beriani with Kuzi Ayam, and some mini cupcakes with butter icing. Too good to resist. Post-chemo, I can tolerate most of anything except for fish. So, Lunch was again rice-Beriani and a roti jala with the accompanying curries. So unlike my "normal" lunch during my previous chemo cycles. More fruits for dessert plus a cupcake with hot green tea while we scoured the Sunday papers for gossips.

I got updated on the get-together at Pak Long's house the night before. Lots of interesting bits that I cannot include in this blog so it looked like I missed a great evening. However, the way I was feeling last night, it would have been difficult for me to cope as it seems quite a number of the guests had a touch of the weather and were seen coughing and sneezing. Certainly not wise for me to be mingling among them. Infact, Mak Long had to see a doctor this morning as she managed to catch the bug and needed some medical relief.

After Asar, SM agreed to drive me to Bangsar as I had a sudden craving for Assam Laksa. I know the main ingredient in the gravy is fish which should make me go yucks, but strangely this time, I needed the tangy taste of the gravy to probably cleanse my somewhat greasy system by then. So , tired as I was, nausea and all, we found ourselves in Bangsar and bought Assam Laksa with lots of vegetable trimmings (pineapple, cucumber, chili, onion and mint leaves).

I did not do much grocery shopping this time as there are still tons of stuff at home and I plan to make a trip to Melaka one of these days with my nephews as the school holidays has started. I received a letter from my Dad who wanted me to visit and the timing is great what with the arrival of the new maid and all. So, hopefully I will be able to spend a week or so in Melaka post- booster, just like the good old days. I also look forward to being with my babies. Cuddling them, indulging them.....

By the time SM dropped me home, the nausea crept up in full force and I had to rest and stabilise myself for quite some time on the sofa. There was no more medication to be taken by now, as all the prescriptions had been used up, except for the anti-constipation syrup. This syrup I would take last thing at night and the medication was on my night stand so I will not forget.

I had to rest for a long time on the sofa as not only was I feeling the nausea, but there was a strange feeling of discomfort originating from below my ribcage. And I found myself full of gas and was burping from both ends. It was so uncomfortable . It felt like my stomach or intestines had a few live creepy crawlies inside trying to get out and were wrestling with each other in the process, and me burping loud burps which helped to relieve the congested feeling in my stomach. I felt as though the whole neighbourhood could hear the sounds that I was expelling. So, so , unlady like of me. It might have been stomach cramps due to the assortment of spicy food I had consumed during the day, or it could be due to the stress of walking around when I should be resting, I will never know.

To cut a long story short, I spent the whole night sitting up in bed later, fighting the spasms in my stomach and trying hard not to throw up. I couldn't sleep a wink, for the first time ever, and I couldn't do much of anything else because any movement would set off a series of spasms in my stomach/intestines which would take a long time to settle, and then only to start again with the slightest provocation. Was I scared, yes. I was too stumped to do anything else other than pray that I would get out of it soon and that whatever happens, I mustn't be sick and mess up the bed.

During this lonely adventure, I heard the sms-beeps from my mobile but couldn't inch my way to grab the phone to read the messages. I guessed right as I found out later they were from my sister in the UK, asking how I was coping and if I am serious about going to Bali to celebrate my birthday which would coincide with my 5th chemo cycle. Aah..the thought of Bali, the beach, the Ubud sights and scenery and just the holiday feel helped to sooth my frayed nerves. However, it took quite a long while before I was able to get out of bed and be upright instead of reclining with my chin up and me practicing deep breathing with each wave of nausea and spasm.

I will call my doctor to find out what could be the cause of this incident. At the time of writing this (early morning of May 28) the feeling is still there, feeling bloated, full of gas and generally uncomfortable. Of course I will have to tell him what I had been up to and what I had been eating, I guess. And he would probably tell me "Serves you right, I said no spicy, greasy food!" How embarassing.

But it is a lesson learnt. I know that the medications and the lack of activities due to fatigue will cause my sytem to be sluggish and retain water, so I am not helping any if I do not stick to some of the dietary rules. I had been good with the diet during the first 2 cycles, but because the 2 cycles went relatively well and I was able to cope, I might have gotten over-confident and foolishly stretched my own limits and it had backfired. I am now paying for it and probably have to stay in all day today to get my system in order and try to recoup my energy.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku, please give me the strength to remain focussed. If I can be slightly arrogant and stretch myself unnecessarily while I am still under treatment, what will I be like when I think that I have all the treatment completed. That I am invincible? Please, don't ever let me be that overconfident and foolishly call it being positive. I realise that I do need to feel helpless every now and then so that I can look towards You to keep me guided. And that while it is never a good thing to limit one's self and one's ability , it is always the right thing to do everything in moderation. And to believe that You are always there to push us in the right direction when we seek your guidance towards the right direction.

I got out of bed and found that Kakak, in all her good intentions ( she must have thought that I might face another bout of constipation) had left a container of Nasi Lemak with her special sambal and some cut papayas on the patio table, for my breakfast today (May 27).

What shall I do with it....my stomach is still churning and the spasms are still happening. It is moments like this that I sometimes find myself asking the question how did I get to this. The Almighty has all the answers and the answers will be revealed to me as I go through this journey, Insya Allah.