My boy Troy says: "Whatever you decide and wherever you are going, please take me along, Mama Mi... Don't leave me behind....nobody will adopt a limping cat....and I promise to eat up my greens....broccoli, sprouts, kale, sawi...whatever.......just take me along....pleeeeazzzzzzz"(and packs himself into my travelling case and refuses to budge)
April 30 (day 20 post-first chemo)
Tomorrow is day 21 post-my 1st chemo cycle and I will be due for the 2nd round on May 2. But due to it being a public holiday, I will be going for the works (pre-chemo blood test, pre-chemo anti-nausea/anti-vomitting medication, then the chemo proper with the 3 WMDs)only on May 3. 3 days from now. Am I feeling anxious? Yes, a little.
Although the side-effects from the 1st round of chemo have been manageable, I gathered that for different people the side-effects for the next cycle may be less or may be more severe than the earlier treatment. It could be due to the cumulative effects of the drugs on the system, or it could also be that normal cell repair after the onslaught of drugs was lagging behind while the drugs continue to hunt down the suspicious cells and zapping the good 'uns as well. What will it be like for me the next time around, I can only pray for the best. And be thankful that up to now, the mouth sores have not shown up yet.
And I hope the mouth sores will never show up. One of the friends I made at a medical center I visited shared her tip of gargling with salt water last thing at night . I have been practicing this faithfully and intend to keep on doing it. Mouth sores will be a challenge to eating well as chewing and swallowing will be a problem because of the pain. And not eating will be bad news as this is the time when I can really give myself permission to eat and eat and eat, all the good stuff of course, so as to promote nutritional healing.
We took some more snapshots of my receding hair. Still a few stubborn strands left, not completely gone but by the time I have a shower tomorrow I should have them all off and I have a wider forehead! I need to check if I need to put any moisturiser or sunblock on my almost bare scalp as it will be sensitive to the sun if I do not put any headgear on. I had to abort my plan of attending a wedding lunch yesterday as the reception was held at the poolside of my friend's condo. As it was a very hot day and I was feeling very tired and wilting even while indoors, I called her up to say I couldn't make it. She was hosting a nephew's wedding. She understood.
My sister texted me to say that her periods are playing havoc. She's 5 years younger than I am, and if this means she might be experiencing the onset of an early menopause, well, good for her. Less estrogen exposure will hopefully cut down her risk of BC. Early menopause is good news. If possible, I hope none of my close family members will inherit this disease from me. Or anyone else for that matter.
I am already planning what to do after the final chemo treat before strating Radiotherapy. A trip somewhere to recharge and reclaim my "normal" pre-chemo self would be nice. Something for me to look forward to so that each cycle completed means I am closer to that target. I realise life will not be the same. I will not be the same. The people around me will not be the same. Relationships may not be the same. That is the power of this disease that it overhauls everything that a person has before. Even after it has been tamed. It would be a mistake to assume that the end of chemo "treats" is the end of treatment. The balance of my life from now on should be treated as a lifeling course of treatment and I must never ever forget that. It is so easy to assume that once the medical appointments are completed, things will get to "normal". It won't. And it should not. It should be better, different.
Who knows what I am like 6 months from now. I had changed overnight from someone with plans of travelling the world to fulfil my wanderlust(so drama one....! Actually only Asean countries first to check out homely homestays...) to someone grounded on the spot but travelling inward into self, a series of personal journeys of self reflection. And making discoveries that opened my eyes, mind and heart to what was, what should be and what should not be. All my call. All up to me to really ponder and apply. It will be my choice to resume what was and say "que sera, sera"or to move on, leave old habits and behaviours, or face each day a new person and shout "carpe diem!".
It was a coincidence that the organisation I used to work for called me the very week I was about to receive the early diagnosis. They contacted me to find out if I was interested to take up an annual contract, if I was available, to work with them on a recruitment project. I guess the decision was made on my behalf when the mammogram results were out on the day I was supposed to meet with them, when I received the interpretion of possible malignancy and that I should schedule a date for surgery soonest. So that the malignancy hopefully would still be in a pre-cancerous stage. But it was too late.
Looking back, I am now wondering if this is God's way of telling me not to go anywhere yet. A renewed and stronger conscience is making it's presence and voice heard. It says, Jangan merajuk(cracked my balding head to get just the right word in English for merajuk but nothing came up), you still belong to Masjid Tanah. Don't abandon your plans . Those dreams that you have harboured and cherished for so long should be nurtured and realised. What is a little misunderstanding. Surely you can take that in your stride. But just take your time, do it on your own terms and only on your own terms. It is your dream, not others'. So live it the way you picture it. Not to suit others. Do that and you might be festering inside. And it will not be healthy. You don't want to go back to square one. Live your life the way you pictured it, the way you wanted to, not how others expect you to live it. It sounds cliched. Because it is very good advice. Easy to say, much harder to put into practice.
Tomorrow is day 21 post-my 1st chemo cycle and I will be due for the 2nd round on May 2. But due to it being a public holiday, I will be going for the works (pre-chemo blood test, pre-chemo anti-nausea/anti-vomitting medication, then the chemo proper with the 3 WMDs)only on May 3. 3 days from now. Am I feeling anxious? Yes, a little.
Although the side-effects from the 1st round of chemo have been manageable, I gathered that for different people the side-effects for the next cycle may be less or may be more severe than the earlier treatment. It could be due to the cumulative effects of the drugs on the system, or it could also be that normal cell repair after the onslaught of drugs was lagging behind while the drugs continue to hunt down the suspicious cells and zapping the good 'uns as well. What will it be like for me the next time around, I can only pray for the best. And be thankful that up to now, the mouth sores have not shown up yet.
And I hope the mouth sores will never show up. One of the friends I made at a medical center I visited shared her tip of gargling with salt water last thing at night . I have been practicing this faithfully and intend to keep on doing it. Mouth sores will be a challenge to eating well as chewing and swallowing will be a problem because of the pain. And not eating will be bad news as this is the time when I can really give myself permission to eat and eat and eat, all the good stuff of course, so as to promote nutritional healing.
We took some more snapshots of my receding hair. Still a few stubborn strands left, not completely gone but by the time I have a shower tomorrow I should have them all off and I have a wider forehead! I need to check if I need to put any moisturiser or sunblock on my almost bare scalp as it will be sensitive to the sun if I do not put any headgear on. I had to abort my plan of attending a wedding lunch yesterday as the reception was held at the poolside of my friend's condo. As it was a very hot day and I was feeling very tired and wilting even while indoors, I called her up to say I couldn't make it. She was hosting a nephew's wedding. She understood.
My sister texted me to say that her periods are playing havoc. She's 5 years younger than I am, and if this means she might be experiencing the onset of an early menopause, well, good for her. Less estrogen exposure will hopefully cut down her risk of BC. Early menopause is good news. If possible, I hope none of my close family members will inherit this disease from me. Or anyone else for that matter.
I am already planning what to do after the final chemo treat before strating Radiotherapy. A trip somewhere to recharge and reclaim my "normal" pre-chemo self would be nice. Something for me to look forward to so that each cycle completed means I am closer to that target. I realise life will not be the same. I will not be the same. The people around me will not be the same. Relationships may not be the same. That is the power of this disease that it overhauls everything that a person has before. Even after it has been tamed. It would be a mistake to assume that the end of chemo "treats" is the end of treatment. The balance of my life from now on should be treated as a lifeling course of treatment and I must never ever forget that. It is so easy to assume that once the medical appointments are completed, things will get to "normal". It won't. And it should not. It should be better, different.
Who knows what I am like 6 months from now. I had changed overnight from someone with plans of travelling the world to fulfil my wanderlust(so drama one....! Actually only Asean countries first to check out homely homestays...) to someone grounded on the spot but travelling inward into self, a series of personal journeys of self reflection. And making discoveries that opened my eyes, mind and heart to what was, what should be and what should not be. All my call. All up to me to really ponder and apply. It will be my choice to resume what was and say "que sera, sera"or to move on, leave old habits and behaviours, or face each day a new person and shout "carpe diem!".
It was a coincidence that the organisation I used to work for called me the very week I was about to receive the early diagnosis. They contacted me to find out if I was interested to take up an annual contract, if I was available, to work with them on a recruitment project. I guess the decision was made on my behalf when the mammogram results were out on the day I was supposed to meet with them, when I received the interpretion of possible malignancy and that I should schedule a date for surgery soonest. So that the malignancy hopefully would still be in a pre-cancerous stage. But it was too late.
Looking back, I am now wondering if this is God's way of telling me not to go anywhere yet. A renewed and stronger conscience is making it's presence and voice heard. It says, Jangan merajuk(cracked my balding head to get just the right word in English for merajuk but nothing came up), you still belong to Masjid Tanah. Don't abandon your plans . Those dreams that you have harboured and cherished for so long should be nurtured and realised. What is a little misunderstanding. Surely you can take that in your stride. But just take your time, do it on your own terms and only on your own terms. It is your dream, not others'. So live it the way you picture it. Not to suit others. Do that and you might be festering inside. And it will not be healthy. You don't want to go back to square one. Live your life the way you pictured it, the way you wanted to, not how others expect you to live it. It sounds cliched. Because it is very good advice. Easy to say, much harder to put into practice.
6 months is a long time. Even 21 days between chemo cycles is a l-o-n-g time. Time enough for me to drill, dig, finetune my thoughts based on present and future self discoveries. Provided I promise to be really honest with myself and my needs. Selfish or otherwise. Only time will tell. And whatever I choose, I seek Your guidance, Ya Allah, that the choice will be the best for me and for those I love around me. Insya Allah. In the meantime, I pray for Your blessings to let me heal. You must have a reason to put me through this experience. Amin.
p.s
Dinner was steamed siakap with plenty of ginger and spring onions, and stir-fried spinach. I am already incorporating Dr D'Adamo's food values in meal planning but the mind couldn't help dreaming how nice it is if there was a side plate of sambal and ulam and ikan masin jeruk.....Thank God Kakak is around to make sure I stray not..........!
12 comments:
do you know,azmi,and this is speaking for myself, I tend to skim over what is important in writings abt cancer. I can relate to certain things, but not all. But this is because I am in denial. Thinking this will never happen to me. But I know,many people have the same thoughts too and when it hit them,its very hard. I must educate myself more.and is it true then that with early menopause, there's less risk of BC? What abt other cancers? I hear that ovarian, cancer of the womb hit older women.
I dont have Aziah's number -last time we met was at the ladies' watching Alleycats - Aziah,if you are reading this, do contact me.
Kak Teh...you will be doing yourself a favour if you familiarise yourself with what women's cancers are all about, they are so common these days. Nauzubillah it won't happen. An excellent ref.book is MAYO CLINIC Guide to Women's Cancers or their website at http://www.MayoClinic.com
It covers all the known cancers for women.On early menopause reducing the risk for BC, that's the current medical opinion but other factors come into play as well. On ovarian/uterine cancers, many factors-hrt, contraceptive pill use, etc so good to read up as personal profile important too. I have high risk in all, not child-bearing and what with possible side effects pf BC treatment. But end of day, the Almighty decides for us.....
My darling sister checks her computer when I text her that I have sent an e-mail, so she may not see your msg. I will let her know to make contact. She has your number? Dia tu tak duduk diam, and I wonder how she finds time to be with me a week at a time during my op and first chemo...!
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