Days 6 and 7 of Cycle 4 - adventurous but moody

June 19 (Day 6 of Cycle 4)



I had made an appointment to meet with a Financial Cnsultant to see what he has for me. I usually look forward to such cerebral discussions and keeping up to date with how others are managing their finances, if only to re-assure that I am not too conservative.





However, after my morning walk to get the morning papers, I felt all bloated up and I did not feel better even after my shower. I decided to play it safe and called him up to re-schedule and instead ended up resecheduling it to later in the afternoon at home. So, at least I felt it was a somewhat productive day and not one that just passed me by. Too many days have passed me by with nothing much to account for it, except that I am thankful that such "idle" days would normally be a luxury in the normal scheme of things.





I have used up all the post-chemo medication that the doctor gave me-the Emend, Ducolax and Dexamethasone. With no medication to prompt my system to feel "better", I felt yet again robbed of energy, taste buds and enthusiasm. Again the thought of food made me queasy and I dreaded the moments when Vik my helper came up with the twice daily inevitable question..."Buuk.....nak masak apa, Buuk?"





I had degenerated from someone full of ideas on days 1 through 5 and now, whenever she asked me, I would make a face and point to my tummy and tell her "Awak masak lah apa yang awak nak makan....buatkan saya IndoMie dan rebus sawi banyak-banyak." I would then try to force down a bottle of Brand's essence of chicken or Haruan essence for my proteins.





Aaagh...I know there is a reason for this. Maybe it is to see how my helper can cope without specific instructions. So far, she has been quite creative except that her creativity almost always include some "cabei'k which I couldn't help but touch and then paid for it by having burping fits in the night, which needed to be pacified with half a mug of warm horlicks. No more "cabeik".





I have put on yet another kg at the pre-chemo weighing in session and I couldn't really understand why. I have small helpings at meals, just a scoop of rice and plenty of vegetables and fruits and I no longer indulge in cakes and pastries, so why the weight gain? Granted, I am not up and about as before and spent half the time between chemos being plastered on my sofa either reading or on the phone or doing absolutely nothing sometimes, but I do keep active during periods of high energy.





I was at the Yoga center yesterday making inquiries about targetted therapy ie asking if they could tailor some exercises for me given my stiff and swollen arms. I was told that they actually have a doctor who could advise on this, and I was provided some reading materials to browse before my session. I have not heard from my friend who was going to organise early morning yoga at her place. She had indicated that if we have at least 5 persons, we could arrange for a Yoga teacher to conduct the session in her nice garden. I hope she is okay...she must be as I heard her cookie business is doing well!





June 20 (Day 7 of Cycle 4)



I felt bored to the teeth. My morning walk was uneventful as I found that I wasn't able to think happy and nice thoughts during the walk, no matter how hard I tried. Was it the sight of elderly people being taken for walks on wheelchairs or walkers alongside their maids? It made me think of old age and how lonely that time of life can be and how sad that people have to pay people to care for them even when they have their own kin...I think of my father.





How soon will I get better and feel "normal" again? And when I do, will be be close to my "normal" self or will I change. This trial that God has assigned to me, what will it bring at the end of it all? Should I fry my brains to work out the possibilities and stand to be disappointed if none of them turn out the way I would desire them? Or should I just relax, and go with the flow and be thankful of whatever outcome knowing that whatever it is going to be, it is part of His plan?





At times I feel that I am tempting fate by defining Plans A and B, knowing pretty well and accepting pretty well that we can only plan but the actual realisation of the so-called plans is very much in the hands of the Almighty. So, it is back to living for the day especially during rollercoaster moody days like this. My nephew and nieces from Shah Alam had called to say they wanted to come visit today. But because I am feeling so yucky, I had to be really honest and told them that I am not up for guests today because I don't want them to feel down by being with me. They have not seen me since chemo and I do not like that what they will see is not going to be the "normal" aunty that they know. I am not up to dragging them down to the low moods I am feeling. They sound disappointed when I told them but I sure hope they understand.





Tomorrow, I am seeking an opinion on why my wrist remains swollen since a day after chemo. It is not hurting but I am not able to see my veins as my palm, wrist and forearms appear bloated (water-retention?) and really looks like a huge baby's hand. I hope there is a comforting explanation and that I will not be given more medication. I am just tired of taking in this and that as it seems that there is no end to what my body needs to make it feel settled.





This is again another dilemma for patients managing side-effects of chemotherapy. Side-effects mean the drugs are really hitting hard and therefore "working" but one must be strong to manage the side-effects. If one is not, then fret not, there are more drugs to lessen the side-effects but in turn, these have their own side-effects. So the chain never ends and we end up going around in circles. It makes me wonder if God meant for us to actually grin and bear the side-effects without the secondary drugs in the first place. After all, that is what being "strong" and having faith is all about, and not to "give up" by resorting to various "aids"?





I am actually too tired to reason this out for now....and I just need a good proper rest....which is very different from just being plastered onto the sofa. I really dislike being in this mood....must get out of it soon. I drove out to the nearby Shopping Center to the bookshop and how strange that the books didn't inspire me as usual! Instead I went to the Supermarket downstairs and got some stuff which appeared appetising but which I now look at with qualms, even after my poor helper had turned them into something she considers to be "enak".





Azmi...., get out of this soon, girl! Maybe I feel better after the booster this Friday, Insya Allah.