Hujan Rahmat.....O Blessed Rain!

June 2 (Relay For Life Event at Bt Jalil, organised by the Nat Cancer Society of Malaysia)

I snapped away on my otherwise trusty antique-digital camera which was low on battery like me and none of the desired pictures turned out at all, just black blobs with white spots (like a nasty and suspiciously indicated mammogram). Only these turned out recognisable. The one I took of Dalilah and her team was just a black patch, cant' even see a spot of pink! Sorry, dear!

June 2 (Day 10, cycle 3)

Day 10 is d-day when my wbc will be at it's lowest, the nadir and that is when my system would be at it's most vulnerable state, easily susceptible to infections. I am in Melaka, feeling so, so good to be back in the family home, just got to spend some quality time with my dad and feeling great because all my babies are around me. Even though the acid stomach and refluxes are still with me, I suppressed them with Nexium and Gaviston......

My plans for the day:

Ziarah Pusara Emak

Go Shopping at Masjid Tanah town

Call Mechanic to recharge flat car battery (my dad's)

Visit some of my relatives

Spend quality time with my babies to last for at least a month

Review my music CD collection and bring good chill-out CDs to KL

Join the Relay For Life NCSM event at Bt Jalil on the way back to KL

Pop by the Maskara/Pena event at DBP

Attend UZ Tahlil at Masjid I-Utama

With the gastric, I found myself waking up at odd hours in the night, very conscious of the twisting pains in my tummy, and needing to drink a warm glass of Milo and snacking on crackers to help relieve the pain. Gaviston cannot be taken on empty stomach, always after food. So I was up very early and woke up all the cats while my brother happily continued to snooze in his room.

I did some reading. I couldn't browse the internet as my laptop was flat ( I did not bring charger). But if I had been more creative, I could have borrowed Ijan's laptop and log on using his.....but brain was not working that I even forgot that he has a laptop of his own. I watched TV showing a leadup to the Agung's birthday and investiture ceremony to be held that morning.

The weather was cool. The car refused to start again so we walked to visit my late Emak's pusara. It would have been an easy walk uphill normally. But with both of us carrying a container of rose water and a small basket of flowers from our garden, and me wearing baju kurung, the 15 minute uphill walk had me huffing and puffing. There were a few other people visiting their loved one's graves as well and clearing weeds and other unwanted growths.

We spent some time cleaning Emak's pusara and I sat there for a while talking to her in my mind and reading the surah Yasin. Sad that I was not able to visit as often lately( and missed doing that on Mother's Day) and sad that she is not around for me when I really could do with a mother's unconditional love and caring.

My Emak susu's house is on the way back but she wasn't in as there were a few weddings going on and she had joined the gotong royong activities. Puan Salmah has a daughter my age, and when Emak wasn't well while nursing me as a baby, Puan Salmah had breastfed me as well as I didn't like powdered infant formula it seemed. So, she has been a good confidante and also a person that I needed to speak to about my illness which I had not been very open about earlier. She came by the house to see me later and was a bit kecik hati that I had not mentioned to her the full extent of what I am going through. She was reassured that I have enough support and help in KL and wanted me to keep her informed on my progress.

The talk with her was quite an emotionally charged session and I didn't feel like going to town. I also felt quite exhausted after the walk back to-fro the cemetery. Instead I began packing for KL and had a quick lunch of noodles with vegetables and lots of fruits for dessert. Then, it was quality time with the cats....checking each one of them visually to make sure there are no hidden injuries and manja-manjakan all of them. They seemed to sense that they will soon be confined to their kandang, no more freedom to run around to chase after chicken, birds and monitor lizards...

Ijan wanted to join me in KL and go to the Bt Jalil Relay For Life event as well, so we left enough feed, water and litter for the cats to last 2 days. RJ came to pick us up at 3.30 and after an endless series of goodbyes, I left my babies who each gave me a hard stare as though to say "there you go again..so when will we see you next, huh?"

After stopping for a quick Cendol stop in Alor Gajah, we were on our way to Bt Jalil. I know on Day 10, I really should be a good girl, stay in and avoid crowds and rainy weather in case my system is compromised when my wbc is very, very low. But I really wanted to join this NCSM organised event. I have some funds to hand over to Adeline Joseph and I do so want to meet up with Dalilah Tamrin, of Raden Galoh Blog who is an admirable cancer survivor with spirit. I know she is already at the stadium as we had been in touch through RJ's mobile as I had forgotten to pack the phone charger for mine.

I bumped into a few familiar faces when entering the stadium, corporate ladies, some retired, some still actively parenting, who were from my former school. It was nice to bump into them unexpectedly and I felt a warm gush of appreciation that they found the time to support an event like this when I know that none of them had cancer or had lost anyone to the illness. On a Saturday night too. As I found later, one of the guests of honour is Dato Zuraidah Atan of Affin Bank, who coincidentally was also from TKC.

I next went to look for Adeline, met her and then went to look out for Dalilah, who based on her text to RJ, is wearing pink T, pink scarf, pink hat, pink shoes and black slacks. As I had seen her blogpost-portrait, it was very easy to spot her from the crowd, thankfully she was seated away from the other Pink Challengers at the time. We went over for a quick hello. It was nice to see her sweet,smiling face and she looked so cheerful that I felt really happy and inspired by her spirit. She was going to walk with the rest of the Pink Challenger team with the BCWA.

RJ, Ijan and I went to the field to find out what's happening there, say goodbye to the friends we met earlier and planned to move on to our next agenda which is to check out the Pena event at DBP. However it started raining, we were caught right in the middle of the field and found shelter under one of the garden tables with umbrellas and chairs that were set up in the stadium field, facing the stage.

It poured. It really poured and I thought what a bummer. A great event like this when everyone was looking forward to walk, run and be outdoors to keep the stadium buzzing with activities and movement all through the night until 10 am the next day and it rained! But I remembered. This is all part of the Almighty's plan to test us, everyone of us in the stadium. If any of us would give up and go home. It rained on parade day....ain't it terrible? But the organisers remained positive, the crowd remained positive, the rain had dampened the tracks and the field but not the spirit of everyone of us in the stadium.

It poured like there was no tomorrow. The balloons were flying even though no one released them. I could feel the rain hitting us even though we were under the umbrellas. I was worried about my laptop which we had to carry with us in case leaving in the car will tempt someone to break open RJ's car, as a similar misfortune happened to a friend just a couple of days ago. There was even thunder and slight lightning, but everyone remained positive and careful, with the organisers and MC anouncing that we will go on as planned , unless it is unsafe to do so because of the lightning. It will just be a 30 minute delay. I saw some of the hundred over tents flapping in the wind and rain and hope they don't fly about as well!

A miracle happened. When the MC announced that it was time for the survivors to start their walk I could see that the rain had diminished. The cold downpour had been reduced to a slight drizzle, a really harmless drizzle. It was about maghrib time and the MC had announced where the surau is located so that Muslim particpants could go for their solat.

There was soon a crowd-queue on the tracks with all the walkers assembling ready for the MC to announce them. There was so much for anyone who was there to be proud of. Of our faith that God will be on our side to make the walk cool and bearable after the heavy downpour. Of the resilience in spirit of everyone there, the cancer survivors and caregivers, the organisers, the volunteers and everyone else on duty in the stadium last night. It is highly symbolic of the undaunting spirit of those fighting cancer, we never give up unless the Almighty decides that it is time for us to go.

Although there were a lot of fun events that added to the cameraderie during the evening, there were a lot of serious learnings to be drawn, not just by cancer survivors, but everyone who was there that night. If the mind wills it, and the Almighty blessed it, it will happen. The rain, or Hujan Rahmat, as Dato Zuraidah captioned it, was indeed a true test of the spirit, of not giving up even though it appeared as though the odds were stacked against us. RJ, Ijan and I ended up staying longer than we had planned and decided we would stay on until 10pm.

Long enough to be there during the survivors walk - I waited for Dalilah in the far corner of the stadium, and cheered her and the Pink Challengers Team on when they crossed the corner. Long enough to be there during the Luminaria event- a beautiful moment when the whole circumference of the stadium field was lined up with a continuous line of luminous bags containing a lighted tea-light in each, giving the place a very warm glow, so cosy and soothing after the rain earlier. Each candle had been purchased for RM1 and each dedicated to a beloved, long or recently gone due to cancer. It was a continuous line along the stadium track and it was a beautiful, and breathtaking sight in the dark of night. It was a moving moment.

Zamil of Malaysian Idol fame sang 3 moving numbers during the time when everyone was invited to walk around the stadium in memory of the loved ones who had lost their fight with cancer. He had lost his dad to cancer of the liver. As I couldn't afford to be in a crowd, and it was still slightly drizzling, I remained under the umbrella, dedicating an Al-fatihah for people that I know have succumbed to cancer, and also for the parents of my friend as I had to miss the Tahlil on the same evening. New friends were made that night and new experiences shared. By the time we got home, I was thoroughly exhausted and realised that I forgot all about my tummy. I was earlier worried that it might cause me a problem, so had lined it with a black-bean pau and milo and a quick dose of Gaviston while seated under the umbrella in the rain.

Next year Insya Allah, with no side-effects to worry about, I hope to be able to participate a lot more and form a group to camp overnight. The 100+ people who were lucky enough to book a tent for the night must have had so much fun and in a very safe and warm environment.